Rick smiles and claps me on the back. ‘Brought us a new recruit, have you?’
‘This is Felix,’ I say. ‘He’s had a couple of classes at school.’
Rick eyes his shorts and t-shirt. ‘Welcome,’ he says. ‘Come with me, we’ll find you a spare judogi, if you like.’
Once Felix has left with Rick, Ethan says, ‘Want to practice kata after class? I’m going for my blue belt soon.’
‘Um,’ I say, thinking fast, because I don’t want Ethan to get the wrong idea, or rather, the right idea about Felix and me. If I say I’m hanging out with Felix, Ethan might want to tag along. ‘I’ve got to get home. We’re due out.’
He shrugs. ‘Another time, then. There’s senior sessions on Tuesday nights, too, maybe we can meet up before that.’
‘Awesome,’ I bluff. I need to speak to Rick about payment — or lack of it — ASAP, or I won’t be coming to any more judo.
We exit the change room. Felix is still in the office with Rick, mucking around with jackets, so I walk onto the mat.
‘Hey, partner.’ Sasha bounds up to me. ‘Jeez, that bruise looks worse every time I see it.’
‘I was play-fighting with my brothers,’ I say, for about the hundredth time.
‘Yeah, Hunter’s got ninjas for brothers,’ Ethan says, swishing his hands through the air.
Sasha laughs, and touches me on the shoulder. ‘How many brothers have you got?’
‘Two.’ Out of the corner of my eye, I spot Felix loitering on the edge of the mat, his eyes on us. Before I can beckon him over, Rick’s telling us to line up.
Once we’ve warmed up, we’re split into two groups. Felix is with the white belts and yellow belts, while I’m with the more senior members of the class. Inevitably, or maybe because Sasha’s seeking me out, I end up partnered with her. Maybe that would be OK if she weren’t being so … flirty.
This is your fault for leading her on last week.
I wasn’t leading her on. I was being friendly.
Yeah, but she has no idea you’re already taken … right?
‘Are you going to the North Island champs in May?’ Sasha asks.
‘I don’t know. Probably.’ I block her as she turns in for a throw and try to catch her off-balance. Sasha’s too quick for me though, and moments later we’re wrestling on the floor. I pin her to the mat, but she slips out and tries to choke me.
‘Not so fast,’ I say, leaping back to my feet. Sasha stands up, her eyes on mine.
‘I’ll get you one day, Hunter.’
‘I wouldn’t count on it,’ I say, only half teasing. Jesus, how do I wriggle out of this one?
‘OK guys,’ Rick hollers. ‘I want all seniors to partner up with a junior.’
‘Just when I was getting going,’ Sasha murmurs. When I turn around, Felix is standing a couple of feet away, twisting the bottom of his jacket between his fingers.
‘Hey, Five,’ I say, walking up and raising my hands to his jacket.
‘Hey, Two,’ he answers, his hands mirroring mine. His eyes dart towards Sasha and back to me. I should introduce them, but I’m worried Sasha might say something.
‘Show me what you’ve learned,’ I say. Felix turns, trying to hoist me onto his hip, but he’s leaning backwards, his body twisted at the wrong angle.
‘Here,’ I say, my fingers on his hips. ‘You need to turn from here.’ I keep my hands there while he practises turning in, out, in, out. I’m trying not to think about where else I’d like to put my hands. God, what’s happening to me? I’ve never been this distracted at judo before.
The next thing I know, I’m somersaulting through the air. I land on my back, Felix falling on top of me.
‘Nice throw,’ I say, restraining myself from reaching up to touch his cheek. He plants his hands on my chest, pushing himself into an upright position.
‘You totally let me do that.’
‘Yeah, and you totally nailed it.’ I flip him onto his back and hook an arm around his neck. ‘What are you g-going to do now?’
He frowns at me. ‘I don’t know.’
Smiling, I guide his hands onto the lapels of my jacket.
‘Cross your wrists,’ I say. ‘Like this. And squeeze like—’ I break off when he compresses the artery in my neck, feeling the familiar buzzing in my head that comes before my vision starts to grey. Felix releases me, his eyes wide.
‘Are you OK?’
I cough. ‘I’m fine. I hadn’t tapped out yet. Like this.’ I slap the mat. ‘Or this.’ I pat his shoulder. ‘That means you need to let g-go, because I’m about to black out. It means you’ve won, if you’re in a tournament. Want to have another go?’
Felix’s face relaxes into a smile. ‘Sure,’ he says, and I decide I’m being paranoid. He hasn’t noticed the thing with Sasha. Maybe she was just joking around anyway. I can’t always tell. I hope no one’s picked up anything like that between Felix and me.
I’m not ready to tell the world I’m dating another guy. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be ready.
CHAPTER 11
FELIX: NEMESIS
When we walk out of the clubrooms, the sun has disappeared, charcoal clouds draping over the hills.
‘What shall we do now?’ Bailey asks. We’re standing by our bikes, passing my bottle of water back and forth. I swipe a sweaty strand of hair out of my eyes.
‘We could go back to my house. But my mum will probably be there. Alfie too.’
‘Yeah …’ Bailey’s standing so close I can feel the warm glow of his body. I’m hoping he’s thinking what I’m thinking. I just want to be alone with you. ‘Well,’ he says, ‘no chance of peace at my house.’
I lift my face towards the thickening sky.
‘We could hang out by the river.’ It’s a stupid idea. It’s going to rain. But I can’t think of anywhere else to go.
Obviously Bailey doesn’t have a better idea.
‘The river, OK.’ He unwinds the lock from our bikes and throws it in his backpack. ‘Lead the way.’
I cycle fast, even though I’m pretty tired from our ninety-minute workout. By the time we hit the riverbank, fat raindrops are falling, faster and faster. After leaving our bikes on their sides in the grass, we slide down the bank and scuttle beneath the bridge.
‘Ho-ly,’ Bailey says, as a crack of thunder rips through the air. ‘There’s your thunderstorm.’
‘We’re not indoors, though.’ I turn to face him. Bailey’s t-shirt is plastered to his chest, and his face is damp with sweat and rain. He pulls me towards him.
‘I’m not worried, Five. Are you?’
He kisses me before I can answer. I push my hands into his hair, inhaling his familiar musky-cocoa scent.
We move towards the bank, finding a dry patch of grass beneath the pillars, and roll together, hands roaming. The rain is all around us now, pounding in my ears and through my chest, until I can’t tell what is the rain and what is the river and what is the sound of my own blood rushing towards Bailey’s mouth and hands.
‘There is no gravity when I’m with you,’ Bailey whispers.
‘Infinity is an unbounded number,’ I whisper back. Waves of drizzle are blowing in at us, but I’m not cold, not while Bailey’s body is pressing mine into the grass.
And we fool around, and fool around, until it’s not really fooling anymore. We carry on until Bailey shudders, and says, ‘Holy shit, Five.’ He rolls off me and I lie in the grass, my heart pounding behind my eyes, wondering what just happened.
‘Holy shit,’ Bailey says again. He sits up, tugging on the zipper of his shorts. I sit up too, resting my head on his shoulder, and he puts his arm around me. We stay like that for a couple of minutes, neither of us talking, until our breathing slows down.
‘I wish I could stay here forever,’ he says. ‘With you.’
‘Me too.’ But when I look at my watch, I see it’s five fifty-nine already. Crap. ‘Um, do you want to come back to my house? You could stay for dinner. Mum won’t mind.’
‘That would be super-awesome, Five. I’d love to.’
At dinnertime it’s a bit weird seeing Bailey sitting in the spot where Dad used to, with his back to the window. But it’s nice, too, because he looks so happy. He has two helpings of dinner, and tells Mum they’re the best spare ribs ever.
‘Thanks,’ Mum says, beaming. ‘Have some more if you like.’
‘Awesome,’ Bailey says, and proceeds to devour four more. It makes me smile just to watch him.
‘I met your sister Maddy the other day,’ Alfie says. ‘She’s really good at running, right?’
Bailey nods. ‘She won the school cross-country last year. She’s b-been running since she was little. Mum used to lose her all the time.’
‘Like where?’ I run my finger around the plate, picking up the last remnants of barbecue sauce, and wonder what my father is having for dinner. Dad took Alfie and me out for burgers at lunchtime, just like last week.
Bailey shrugs. ‘The mall. The park. Once she ran all the way to the beach, which was like ten ks away.’
Mum’s forehead furrows. ‘How old was she then?’
‘Oh,’ Bailey says, toying with his spoon, ‘that was just last year.’
Alfie laughs, but I’m not sure if what Bailey just told us is funny. It makes me wonder if Maddy is running to get somewhere, or running away from something.
Alfie says, ‘What does it take to be a black belt in judo?’
Bailey holds up the spoon and flips it from convex to concave, inverting his reflection. ‘Practice. Lots and lots of it.’
‘You’re a black belt?’ Mum’s eyes widen.
‘Not yet. Maybe by the end of the year.’ Bailey leans back in his seat, smiling. As I help Mum clear the plates, I hear him telling Alfie all about the ranks of black belt: shodan, nidan, sandan. First dan, second dan, third dan and beyond. The highest ranked judoka in the world is tenth dan, kokodan.
‘I haven’t planned any dessert,’ Mum says, rinsing the dishes and handing them to me so I can stack them in the dishwasher, ‘but you could whip up a chocolate self-saucing pudding if you like.’
I shrug. ‘I guess.’ Now she’s suggested it, the thought of a hot chocolate pudding with vanilla ice cream melting around the sides is too good to resist. Once Mum has left, I pull a mixing bowl out of the cupboard and start assembling ingredients. Bailey wanders into the kitchen while I’m creaming the butter and sugar.
‘Need a hand?’
‘Sure, you can get me a cup of flour.’ I gesture towards the ingredients on the bench.
‘OK.’ He drags a cup through the bag of flour and dumps it on top of my sugar and butter mixture. My mouth falls open.
‘What was that?’
His mouth twists. ‘Um, a cup of ground wheat?’
‘But that wasn’t — you should have levelled it off first.’ I hold up a butter knife. ‘With this.’
‘It’ll taste OK. What’s next? Or don’t you trust me?’
‘A tablespoon of cocoa,’ I say, and bite the inside of my cheek as I watch him add a dessertspoon of cocoa to the mixture. A dessertspoon?
‘So, I’m thinking you won’t ask me to be your lab p-partner any time soon.’ Bailey grins. ‘You’re really p-pissed, aren’t you?’
Scowling, I say, ‘I’m thinking you’ve never baked anything before.’
‘Wrong.’ He snatches the cookbook off me. ‘Watch and weep.’
Rolling my eyes, I sit up on a bar stool, watching him add the rest of the ingredients in the same super-annoying, inexact manner.
‘There,’ he says, after shoving the bowl in the microwave and setting the timer for ten minutes. ‘Want to lick the spoon?’
I shrug.
‘Ah, come on.’ He runs his tongue along the wooden spoon. ‘Tastes amazing.’
‘You’ve got chocolate in your hair,’ I say, but I take the spoon off him and stick my tongue out. Buttery cocoa and sugar dissolve into my mouth.
Bailey glances over my shoulder, then leans forward and flicks his tongue over the corner of my lips, bumping the wooden spoon in my hand.
‘Oh, crap,’ he says, grinning. ‘Now it’s in your hair.’
‘You suck,’ I growl, but my stomach is whirling, and there go my atoms again, losing contact with each other.
We eat our dessert in the lounge, then watch a couple of old episodes of Breaking Bad while Mum sits at the dining table, typing on her computer. Then she announces she’s going to bed, so Alfie takes over the computer.
‘Not too late,’ Mum warns, as he puts on his headphones.
‘Sure,’ he says, his eyes already glazed. He’s heading into the world of online gaming. I don’t think they do time zones.
Mum glances at Bailey, who’s sitting in Dad’s old armchair.
‘Are you all right getting home, Bailey?’
‘I’m fine, thanks.’ He stretches. ‘I’ve got my b-bike.’
‘Do you have lights?’ Mum asks, looking at the darkened world outside the window. Bailey nods.
‘I’m all good. Thanks for dinner.’
We’re alone at last, but it’s not enough. Alfie might be on another planet, but he’s still in our orbit. I stand up.
‘Want to hang out in my room?’
Bailey grins. ‘Thought you’d never ask.’ He follows me down the hallway, and closes my door behind him.
‘So,’ he says, sitting on my bed, ‘you play the guitar?’
‘Uh-huh.’ I sit beside him, watching him lift the guitar from its spot between my bed and my chest of drawers.
‘You never told me that.’
‘You never asked,’ I say, just like he did to me in the subway last week. He smiles and hands me the guitar.
‘Play me something?’
‘Like what?’
‘Anything,’ Bailey says, so I start playing ‘Time of Your Life’, which is one of my favourite Green Day songs. But it feels really weird with him watching me, so after a few chords I stand up to flick off the light. Maybe that’s an oddball thing to do, but Bailey doesn’t say anything. I sit back beside him, my thigh pressing against his in the dark, and pick up where I left off.
‘You never told me you could sing either,’ he says when I’ve finished.
‘Sort of.’ I lean the guitar against the bed and pull my phone out of my jeans pocket. ‘Can I show you something?’
‘Of course.’
‘Promise you won’t laugh?’
‘Of course.’ He falls silent for a moment, his face glowing in the light of my selfie. ‘Wow. That’s an awesome look. You should dress up like that more often.’
I swallow. ‘Not in public.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because everyone will think I’m …’ I trail off. ‘You know.’
Bailey squeezes my thigh. ‘Just say you’re a Goth. They wear make-up all the time.’
‘Maybe,’ I say, although I can’t see that happening, ever. I bite my lip. ‘Have you told anyone about us?’
‘No.’ His voice is soft. ‘Do you want to?’
‘No. I — not yet.’
‘I think we should just keep it between us,’ he says. ‘No one else has to know anyway, right?’
‘No one.’ I plough on, because somehow it’s easier to talk about this in the dark. ‘Have you been with a guy before? Like this?’
‘Just once.’
‘What about with girls?’
He sighs. ‘I had a girlfriend for a few months last year. And then I had the thing with Dog, but it was kind of a one-off. Liv dumped me when she found out.’
‘Oh.’ A one-off what? A kiss? Sex? Something in between? I’m not sure if I want to know. I mean, I do, but I’m too scared to ask. ‘Is that when you realised you were gay?’
He squeezes my thigh again. ‘I don’t know. I like girls too. But this is much more … intense. You know?’
‘No,’ I say. ‘I mean,
I don’t like girls like that.’ Not now, not ever. ‘But this is… intense.’ I don’t know how I feel about Bailey liking girls as well, but I know how I feel about him. It’s like the universe, ever-expanding and wonderful and out of my control.
Bailey kisses my ear. ‘Relax,’ he says. ‘Being g-gay or straight or b-b-bi is just a label. What’s important is that I like you, only you.’
And now he’s kissing me again, and it feels so damn good. After pushing my chair against the door, I select some music on my phone to play through my Bluetooth speakers. Then I lie back on the bed and let Bailey trail his lips below my belly button, let him kiss me in places I’d never thought anyone would kiss me, ever.
I don’t know how anyone could ever think what we’re doing is wrong, because it’s the best feeling in the world.
Bailey doesn’t leave until close to eleven. I should go to sleep, but my brain is way too busy for that. I’m thinking about what he said about the girlfriend. I’m thinking about the girl with the blonde hair at judo, the one who kept smiling and touching Bailey on the arm. What if he changes his mind about me? What if he decides it’d be easier to get another girlfriend instead? Will we have to keep hiding like this forever?
With no immediate answer to any of those questions — each one seems to generate a whole bunch more — my mind returns to my Facebook humiliation. After logging into my Facebook account, I search for Joe ‘Zero’ McCarthy. He’s got seven hundred and forty-three friends. To my surprise, I can even see what he’s posting — even though he’s not my friend, and never will be.
I don’t have to scroll far before I see the video. Once my eyes fall on it, I can’t stop watching the recording of me falling over and lying on my back, blinking stupidly at the camera. How could I have missed the triumphant tone in Zero’s voice?
Are you or are you not drunk, Felix Catalan?
Yes, I am drunk!
The caption accompanying the post says: 4 out of 10 for this dare … because four sips is all it took to get Crazy Catalan trashed!
‘You’re a fucking liar,’ I growl, picking up the nearest object, a pottery elephant the size of my fist, and lobbing it at the wall. When it lands on the floor it’s in two pieces, the trunk snapped in half. Now I’m even angrier with Zero for making me break the elephant Alfie made in art class last year. He gave it to me for Christmas, and now it’s ruined.
Invisibly Breathing Page 10
