The Case of the Seven Sneezes

by Anthony Boucher

  The Case of the Seven Sneezes

  A Fergus O’Breen Mystery

  Anthony Boucher

  For

  Lawrence and Mary Price

  token payment on an unpayable debt

  The situations and characters in this book are completely fictional with the exception of T. S. Eliot, excerpts from whose Collected Poems 1909–1935 are reprinted by permission of Harcourt, Brace and Company.

  I knew a man once did a girl in

  Any man might do a girl in

  Any man has to, needs to, wants to

  Once in a lifetime, do a girl in.

  SWEENEY

  Things must be as they may: men may sleep, and they may have their throats about them at that time; and some say, knives have edges. It must be as it may.

  CORPORAL NYM

  THE PEOPLE INVOLVED

  The Silver Wedding Party:

  HORACE BRAINARD, businessman

  CATHERINE BRAINARD, nee Herndon

  }

  the married

  pair

  HUGH ARNOLD, M.D., best man

  STELLA PARIS, actress, maid of honor

  LUCAS QUINCY, financier, usher

  MARTHA STANHOPE (d. 1915), bridesmaid

  ALYS TRENT, flower girl

  JAMES HERNDON, bachelor, brother to Catherine

  JAY STANHOPE (d. 1915), idealist, brother to Martha

  Others:

  JANET BRAINARD, puzzle editor, daughter to Horace and Catherine

  TOM QUINCY, assistant in psychology, nephew to Lucas

  FERGUS O’BREEN, private detective

  MAUREEN, his sister

  DETECTIVE LIEUTENANT A. JACKSON, of the Los Angeles Police Department

  CHIEF DONOVAN

  OFFICER KOPLINSKI

  OFFICER SANCHEZ

  }

  or the Santa Eulalia Police Department

  CORCORAN, man of all work on Blackman’s Island

  JESUS RAMIREZ (Hokay), proprietor of a motor launch

  MR. SCHULZHEIMER, a disconsolate butcher

  THOMAS STEARNS ELIOT, an expatriate poet

  VALENTINO (d. 1940), cat to Stella Paris

  Chapter 1

  Fergus said, “I’ve got a license, and I’d just as soon keep it.”

  The red-faced man sliced the tip off a fresh cigar. “There are other private detectives,” he observed.

  “Sure. And you’ve been turned down by them first or you wouldn’t be here. This office isn’t used to that good a cigar.”

  The red-faced man puffed calmly. “I’m not asking anything illegal. I’m simply trying to hire you to investigate a murder. That’s your job, isn’t it?”

  “A twenty-five-year-old murder.”

  “Which is still on the books as unsolved.”

  “I repeat,” said Fergus, “if you’ve got some new angle on the case, why not go to the D. A.?”

  “Shall we say political reasons? Or perhaps personal distrust?”

  “Could be. But why stipulate that I can’t?”

  “I want to hire your services. Naturally I prefer that your reports should be confidential and addressed exclusively to me.”

  “Murder’s not a private matter. If I turn up a murderer, hand him over directly to you, and keep my mouth shut, I could wind up as an accessory. I like my little license, I do.”

  “Hang your license, sir! Haven’t you guts enough for a little well-paid irregularity?”

  “Very well, sir; and haven’t you guts enough to tell your name? The Mysterious Stranger’s a most attractive role in the theater; but I’m damned if I like it as a client.”

  “You can always reach me at that number I gave you. And if you wish, I will pay for a bond guaranteeing your salary.”

  There was silence in the unpretentious little office. The red-faced man sat puffing his cigar with the calm and stolid expectancy of one who never fails to get what he has demanded. Fergus matched the silence and tried, not too successfully, to match the stolidity. Abruptly he glanced at his wrist-watch and spoke. “Excuse me a moment, will you? A report I promised to put in this morning.”

  “Certainly.” And another confident puff.

  Shielding the telephone with his body, Fergus dialed the number penciled on the slip of paper before him. He listened to the vain ringing and hung up. “Clients don’t stay put,” he said.

  The red-faced man smiled sardonically. “No use, O’Breen. That number is a private unlisted phone in my study. No one will ever answer it but myself.”

  “Confidence goes two ways,” said Fergus.

  “Not with me. That’s why I can afford such cigars. And such a fee.”

  “If I can lay my nose successfully to a twenty-five-year-old scent, I’ll have earned that fee and more.” There was silence again. Then a sudden flash of light glinted in Fergus’ green eyes, and he added, “But are you sure it’s twenty-five years old?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Are you sure it isn’t maybe a week old? Or a day? What’s the life expectancy on a cat nowadays?”

  The red-faced man’s bulk seemed to tighten. “If you undertake this case, I shall give you whatever facts you may find useful. Otherwise …”

  “O. K.,” said Fergus. “I’ll take it. On two conditions: One, that I deliver all my findings to you direct, but reserve the privilege of turning them over to the D. A. if need be.”

  The red-faced man rose and turned to the door. “We have already discussed that,” he said coldly. “And your other condition?”

  “That you tell me your name.”

  The red-faced man snorted, “Out of the question!” and opened the door.

  A trim dark girl in the outer office rose to her feet as she saw him. “Why, Mr. Quincy!” she exclaimed. “But how nice of you to patronize my poor struggling brother!”

  The red-faced man slammed out without a word.

  Maureen perched on the desk in the inner office. “You can buy me a good lunch,” she purred, “if you’re getting clients like that.”

  “I’m not,” Fergus grunted.

  His sister stared. “Look, darling. I know the O’Breens have never been noted for an acute money sense, but you simply can’t go around turning down Lucas Quincy.”

  “Can’t I just? Though if I’d known … No, no use conjuring up imaginary temptations.”

  “But Lucas Quincy, Fergus. That man owns a slice of everything, even that lovely sweatshop I slave in.”

  “So that’s how you recognized him? Didn’t know he was tied up with pictures too. The good old mystery man. The Zaharoff tradition. The financial genius who never makes public appearances. The Man Nobody Knows. And when I do run into him, I damned near throw him out of the office.”

  “No but seriously, Fergus. What goes? What did he want you for?”

  Fergus grinned. “Professional ethics …” he began pompously.

  “But he’s not your client if you threw him out. What was it?”

  Fergus shook his head despairingly and began to pace about the office. “Damned if I know what he wanted. It doesn’t add up to sense. And there’s a tricky smell about it. Anonymous clients are out for no good. And why in God’s name anybody should pay out solid cash for the solution to a twenty-five-year-old murder …”

  His sister’s eyes lit up. “Murder? Oh, Fergus, are you going to find out who killed William Desmond Taylor?”

  “Hardly. And I am not going to find out. No, this is earlier and more obscure. The Stanhope case. You wouldn’t know it.”

  “But what was it?”

  “Pretty little business up near Santa Eulalia in 1915. Party of young people fresh from a wedding where they’d all been bridesmaids and stuff. Screa
m in the night and lo! one of the maidens has her throat slit. No motives pointing to anybody, no material clues, nothing. Police write it off as a prowler interrupted in raiding the girl’s jewel box.”

  Maureen frowned. “That’s no good of a murder. Not up to your standard, Fergus. Too common-or-garden.”

  “Sure. All but one touch. The baby flower-girl at this wedding had a kitten. The murdered girl owned a fine pedigreed Maltese tom. In the week before the wedding both those cats had their throats slit too. And the police still decided it was a prowler.”

  Maureen’s blue eyes widened. “That’s not nice,” she said in a small shocked voice. “What you’re implying there. It’s got a nasty ring to it. You mean?”

  “I just mean it’s too damned much of a coincidence. Sure, people do go around killing cats random-like. Aelurophobia, if you want a ten-dollar word. But when at the same time, in the same group, by the same method, a girl is killed … Hell, a prowler’s the lazy way out.”

  “And that’s what Lucas Quincy wants you to investigate?”

  “After twenty-five years. Everybody scattered over the landscape and not remembering a damned thing even if you found them.”

  Maureen mooched a cigarette from the pack on the desk. “There’s one way I bet you could do it. If you got all those people together—I don’t mean a criminal round-up, just all together so you could watch them—see how they act with each other and how they must have acted in 1915 … I’ll bet you could figure it out from that.”

  “Fancy stuff, huh? Kind of arty for a working detective, but I can see it’d have its points. Still, how the hell do you get them together?”

  “I don’t know. It was just an idea. Why don’t you smoke good cigarettes?”

  “Why don’t you buy your own? But even supposing I could do that, I still want to know why. Why should the great financier suddenly want a solution to this ancient mess, and anonymous at that?”

  “Maybe,” Maureen suggested, “he wants you to ghost an article for him in True Detective.”

  “Nothing like a sister’s loving help, my sweeting.” He patted her cheek and finished off with a sharp slap. “And this hush-hush stuff about withholding evidence from the D. A. For all I know, Quincy might be the original authentic murderer himself and trying to use me to blackmail some poor dope with planted evidence.”

  “But he couldn’t be a murderer. A man in his position!”

  “Temptation, my pet, is not class-conscious. Uh uh. This is one monkey leaves Mr. Quincy’s chestnuts right there in the fire. And that soft thud you just heard was the subject being dropped. How’s for lunch now?”

  “I’ve got to dash. I just came really to tell you I wasn’t coming. Too busy with this reception this afternoon. But Fergus …”

  “Uh huh?”

  “Do you think Mr. Quincy was in that wedding party?”

  “Look, sweeting. When you get home tonight, you go in my room and find a black-and-red bound book called Persons Unknown by Lester Ferguson. There’s a firstrate essay in there on this business. Read that and stop pestering me. It contains everything anybody knows or ever will know about the murder of Martha Stanhope.”

  “But Mr. Quincy,” Maureen insisted, “is so rich.”

  “So he buys him a shamus to play with some funny business and the poor dope gets it in the neck. Uh uh.” His voice changed a little. “Anything in the headlines?”

  “The Commons gave Chamberlain a vote of confidence.”

  “It’s nice somebody has confidence in him. Nothing happening on the Western Front?”

  “Not that I saw.”

  “Our grandchildren,” Fergus mused, “will probably still be sitting up nights wondering how the Maginot Line could be cracked. Military perfection means a war of deadlocks nowadays.”

  “Look,” said Maureen. “I know I don’t know about military things the way you do, but I just had an idea. Supposing you can’t go through a solid wall. Couldn’t you just walk around it?”

  Fergus laughed. “A woman has a lovesome mind, God wot! Some time, darling, in the long winter evenings, I’ll explain just how absurd that idea is. Now run along, if you must, and I’ll catch up on odds and ends. See you at the reception, maybe.”

  ii

  Those who know Fergus O’Breen at all know that he is Irish, curious, brash, cocksure, and colorful; and many of them know that his sister Maureen is head of publicity at Metropolis Pictures and one of the smartest career women in Hollywood. A few add the knowledge that he is an acute, perceptive, and moderately successful private investigator; and a very few indeed know that of that handful of obvious qualities only the Irishness and the curiosity are genuine. The brashness, the cocksureness, the color are the instinctive camouflage, sometimes too garishly painted, of a man who might in another age have been a bard, a crusader, or conceivably a prophet.

  The public appearance of Fergus O’Breen is an act—such a good act, to be sure, that even his closest friend on the Los Angeles police force has never quite seen through it—and even the best of acts must have its let-downs. And because of one of those let-downs, the twenty-five-year-old Stanhope case was solved in a manner which Lucas Quincy had never counted on.

  It began, on the afternoon of Quincy’s visit to the O’Breen office, at Metropolis Pictures’ gala party in honor of the remake of Pearls of Desire. You remember the original picture, of course (Paradox, before the colossal merger with Metropolis), with Valentino as the Spanish nobleman who had sunk to working confidence games in Paris, Theodore Roberts as the gruffly upright American financier who frustrated his schemes, and Stella Paris as the financier’s daughter who contrived to save at once the Spaniard from prison, her father from ruin, and herself from a fate worse than death. You doubtless have no such clear memories of this remake, recent though it was.

  It had seemed a bright idea to start with. If Pearls of Desire had grossed a million in 1922, why shouldn’t it do the same in 1940? People haven’t really changed. A good story is a good story, the producer observed as he set the first of five teams of writers to work at devising a new story. Beyond a little trouble with the Hays office about the title, everything looked beautiful at the time of this party; and the occasion was as festive as though Metropolis were sponsoring a combined remake of Shoulder Arms and The Birth of a Nation.

  Fergus usually stayed carefully away from his sister’s publicity shindigs. But she had promised that this would be especially good, and he felt that he owed a certain sentimental tribute to Pearls of Desire, which had been the great emotional experience of his eleventh year. Besides, that morning’s interview still bothered him.

  It was patently absurd. A prominent man slinking about incognito like a spy in a Hitchcock picture and demanding the instant solution of an ancient problem, a solution at once impossible and pointless. But absurd though the situation was, it remained oddly menacing. Lucas Quincy’s great financial success was not based on indulging himself in the impossible and fruitless. If Quincy wanted a task done, that task meant gain to Quincy and in all likelihood terrible loss to someone else.

  It’s the not knowing what you’re getting into, Fergus thought. There’s the respect that makes calamity. And you lose either way. You’re cautious like a good little boy, and you’re out a nice fat fee. You take a chance on a probably shady client, and you wind up without your license. Neatly gored on this bicorn dilemma, he felt one of his rare moods of intense depression sneaking up on him. A party should help, even a publicity party.

  It didn’t.

  Usually at such parties there was nothing but shop-talk—irrelevant and largely unintelligible chitchat, mere background noise no more distracting than a crowd of extras muttering Rhubarb! But today even shoptalk faded away and there was nothing but war.

  “We’re in this already only we don’t know it. You just wait another year and we’ll be in officially and but up to our necks.”

  “He’ll have to run for a third term. If we change horses now, we’ll lo
se all our world influence.”

  “As long as the Maginot Line holds, the world’s safe. And thank God he can’t break through that; it’s a proven military impossibility.”

  “The foreign market’s shot to hell, and that’s where the profit’s always come from. What we’ve got to do …”

  There was even a portable radio off in a corner, announcing that “Rumors of troop concentrations on the borders of the Netherlands are discounted by observers in neutral capitals, but tension grows hourly as …”

  Fergus had three straight ryes in quick succession and decided to get the hell out of there. This was no party for his mood. The longer he stuck around, the blacker he’d feel.

  And then he saw the woman in the corner.

  She wore a plain cotton housedress, and she must have weighed two hundred pounds. But it was two hundred pounds of quiet and dignified comfort. Her hair was gray, but the face beneath it was youngish and pretty, with a very little deftly unobtrusive makeup. There was a tolerant but tired smile on her lips. She did not look like a guest at a Metropolis party. In fact, she did not look like Hollywood at all. It was as though some ordinary middleclass housewife had accidentally wandered in on her way to the market.

  She looked as out of place as Fergus felt, and a capricious impulse drew him to her side. “Hello,” he said. “Could I get you anything?”

  She looked up, and as their eyes met they seemed to exchange complete sets of opinions on the party, the war, and Hollywood. The exchange was satisfactory. “You could get me the largest beer they have,” she said. “Then come and talk.”

  Maybe it was the talk, maybe it was the beer on top of the rye, maybe, and most likely, it was simply the woman herself; but from whatever cause, Fergus felt the black mood lifting. They talked about football and boogie-woogie and black magic and Edward Bellamy and food, and never once about the war or the State of the Industry or even Pearls of Desire.

  And at last Fergus said, “I’m having a good time, but I’d be having a better if it wasn’t under the auspices of Metropolis. How’s about clearing out of here and really settling down to cases? Of beer, for instance.”