CHAPTER XV. DINING OUT.
My visit to Germany was protracted beyond the period I had originallydesigned; and, during my absence, Mr. Slick had been constantly incompany, either "dining out" daily, when in town, or visiting from onehouse to another in the country.
I found him in great spirits. He assured me he had many capital storiesto tell me, and that he rather guessed he knew as much of the English,and a leetle, jist a leetle, grain more, p'raps, than they knew of theYankees.
"They are considerable large print are the Bull family," said he; "youcan read them by moonlight. Indeed, their faces ain't onlike the moonin a gineral way; only one has got a man in it, and the other hain'talways. It tante a bright face; you can look into it without winkin'.It's a cloudy one here too, especially in November; and most all thetime makes you rather sad and solemncoly. Yes, John is a moony man,that's a fact, and at the full a little queer sometimes.
"England is a stupid country compared to our'n. _There it no varietywhere there it no natur_. You have class variety here, but noindividiality. They are insipid, and call it perlite. The men dressalike, talk alike, and look as much alike as Providence will let 'em.The club-houses and the tailors have done a good deal towards this, andso has whiggism and dissent; for they have destroyed distinctions.
"But this is too deep for me. Ask Minister, he will tell you the cause;I only tell you the fact.
"Dinin' out here, is both heavy work, and light feedin'. It's monstrousstupid. One dinner like one rainy day (it's rained ever since Ibeen here a'most), is like another; one drawin'-room like anotherdrawin'-room; one peer's entertainment, in a general way, islike another peer's. The same powdered, liveried, lazy, idle,good-for-nothin', do-little, stand-in-the-way-of-each-other,useless sarvants. Same picturs, same plate, same fixin's, samedon't-know-what-to-do-with-your-self-kinder-o'-lookin'-master. Greatfolks are like great folks, marchants like marchants, and so on. It's apictur, it looks like life, but' it tante. The animal is tamed here; heis fatter than the wild one, but he hante the spirit.
"You have seen-Old Clay in a pastur, a racin' about, free from harness,head and tail up, snortin', cavortin', attitudinisin' of himself. Maneflowin' in the wind, eye-ball startin' out, nostrils inside out a'most,ears pricked up. _A nateral hoss_; put him in a waggon, with a rael spicand span harness, all covered over with brass buckles and brass knobs,and ribbons in his bridle, rael jam. Curb him up, talk Yankee to him,and get his ginger up. Well, he looks well; but he is '_a broke hoss_.'He reminds you of Sam Slick; cause when you see a hoss, you think of hismaster: but he don't remind you of the rael '_Old Clay_,' that's a fact.
"Take a day here, now in town; and they are so identical the same, thatone day sartificates for another. You can't get out a bed afore twelve,in winter, the days is so short, and the fires ain't made, or the roomdusted, or the breakfast can't be got, or sunthin' or another. And ifyou did, what's the use? There is no one to talk to, and books onlyweaken your understandin', as water does brandy. They make you letothers guess for you, instead of guessin' for yourself. Sarvants spileyour habits here, and books spite your mind. I wouldn't swap ideas withany man. I make my own opinions, as I used to do my own clocks; and Ifind they are truer than other men's. The Turks are so cussed heavy,they have people to dance for 'em; the English are wus, for they hirepeople to think for 'em. Never read a book, Squire, always think foryourself.
"Well, arter breakfast, it's on hat and coat, ombrella in hand, (don'tnever forget that, for the rumatiz, like the perlice, is always on thelook out here, to grab hold of a feller,) and go somewhere wherethere is somebody, or another, and smoke, and then wash it down with asherry-cobbler; (the drinks ain't good here; they hante no variety inthem nother; no white-nose, apple-jack, stone-wall, chain-lightning,rail-road, hail-storm, ginsling-talabogus, switchel-flip, gum-ticklers,phlem-cutters, juleps, skate-iron, cast-steel, cock-tail, or nothin',but that heavy stupid black fat porter;) then down to the coffee-house,see what vessels have arrived, how markets is, whether there is a chanceof doin' any thin' in cotton or tobacco, whose broke to home, and soon. Then go to the park, and see what's a goin' on there; whether thosepretty critturs, the rads are a holdin' a prime minister 'parsonallyresponsible,' by shootin' at him; or whether there is a levee, or theQueen is ridin' out, or what not; take a look at the world, make a visitor two to kill time, when all at once it's dark. Home then, smoke acigar, dress for dinner, and arrive at a quarter past seven.
"Folks are up to the notch here when dinner is in question, that's afact, fat, gouty, broken-winded, and foundered as they be. It's rap,rap, rap, for twenty minutes at the door, and in they come, one arterthe other, as fast as the sarvants can carry up their names. Cussthem sarvants! it takes seven or eight of 'em to carry a man's name upstairs, they are so awful lazy, and so shockin' full of porter. If afeller was so lame he had to be carried up himself, I don't believe onmy soul, the whole gang of them, from the Butler that dresses in thesame clothes as his master, to Boots that ain't dressed at all, couldmake out to bowse him up stairs, upon my soul I don't.
"Well, you go in along with your name, walk up to old aunty, and make ascrape, and the same to old uncle, and then fall back. This is doneas solemn, as if a feller's name was called out to take his place in afuneral; that and the mistakes is the fun of it. There is a sarvant ata house I visit at, that I suspicion is a bit of a bam, and the crittershows both his wit and sense. He never does it to a 'somebody,' 'causethat would cost him his place, but when a 'nobody' has a droll name,he jist gives an accent, or a sly twist to it, that folks can't help alarfin', no more than Mr. Nobody can feelin' like a fool. He's a drollboy, that; I should like to know him.
"Well, arter 'nouncin' is done, then comes two questions--do I knowanybody here? and if I do, does he look like talk or not? Well, seein'that you have no handle to your name, and a stranger, it's most likelyyou can't answer these questions right; so you stand and use your eyes,and put your tongue up in its case till it's wanted. Company are allcome, and now they have to be marshalled two and two, lock and lock, andgo into the dinin'-room to feed.
"When I first came I was nation proud of that title, 'the Attache;' nowI am happified it's nothin' but 'only an Attache,' and I'll tell youwhy. The great guns, and big bugs, have to take in each other's ladies,so these old ones have to herd together. Well, the nobodies go togethertoo, and sit together, and I've observed these nobodies are thepleasantest people at table, and they have the pleasantest places,because they sit down with each other, and are jist like yourself,plaguy glad to get some one to talk to. Somebody can only visitsomebody, but nobody can go anywhere, and therefore nobody sees andknows twice as much as somebody does. Somebodies must be axed, if theyare as stupid as a pump; but nobodies needn't, and never are, unlessthey are spicy sort o' folks, so you are sure of them, and they have allthe fun and wit of the table at their eend, and no mistake.
"I wouldn't take a title if they would give it to me, for if I had one,I should have a fat old parblind dowager detailed on to me to take into dinner; and what the plague is her jewels and laces, and silks andsattins, and wigs to me? As it is, I have a chance to have a gall totake in that's a jewel herself--one that don't want no settin' off, andcarries her diamonds in her eyes, and so on. I've told our minister notto introduce me as an Attache no more, but as Mr. Nobody, from the Stateof Nothin', in America, _that's natur agin_.
"But to get back to the dinner. Arter you are in marchin' order, youmove in through two rows of sarvants in uniform. I used to think theywas placed there for show, but it's to keep the air off of folks a goin'through the entry, and it ain't a bad thought, nother.
"Lord, the first time I went to one o' these grand let offs I feltkinder skeery, and as nobody was allocated to me to take in, I goes inalone, not knowin' where I was to settle down as a squatter, and kinderlagged behind; when the butler comes and rams a napkin in my hand, andgives me a shove, and sais he, 'Go and stand behind your master, sir,'sais he. Oh Solomon! how that waked me up. How I curled inwardl
y when hedid that. 'You've mistaken the child,' sais I mildly, and I held outthe napkin, and jist as he went to take it, I gave him a sly poke in thebread basket, that made him bend forward and say 'eugh.' 'Wake Snakes,and walk your chalks,' sais I, 'will you?' and down I pops on the fustempty chair. Lord, how white he looked about the gills arterwards;I thought I should a split when I looked at him. Guess he'll know anAttache when he sees him next time.
"Well, there is dinner. One sarvice of plate is like another sarviceof plate, any one dozen of sarvants are like another dozen of sarvants,hock is hock, and champaigne is champaigne--and one dinner is likeanother dinner. The only difference is in the thing itself that'scooked. Veal, to be good, must look like any thing else but veal; youmustn't know it when you see it, or it's vulgar; mutton must be incog.too; beef must have a mask on; any thin' that looks solid, take a spoonto; any thin' that looks light, cut with a knife; if a thing looks likefish, you may take your oath it is flesh; and if it seems rael flesh,it's only disguised, for it's sure to be fish; nothin' must benateral, natur is out of fashion here. This is a manufacturin' country,everything is done by machinery, and that that ain't must be made tolook like it; and I must say, the dinner machinery is parfect.
"Sarvants keep goin' round and round in a ring, slow, but sartain, andfor ever, like the arms of a great big windmill, shovin' dish afterdish, in dum show, afore your nose, for you to see how you like theflavour; when your glass is empty it's filled; when your eyes is offyour plate, it's off too, afore you can say Nick Biddle.
"Folks speak low here; steam is valuable, and noise onpolite. They callit a "_subdued tone_." Poor tame things, they are subdued, that's afact; slaves to an arbitrary tyrannical fashion that don't leave 'em nofree will at all. You don't often speak across a table any more nor youdo across a street, but p'raps Mr. Somebody of West Eend of town, willsay to a Mr. Nobody from West Eend of America: 'Niagara is noble.'Mr. Nobody will say, 'Guess it is, it got its patent afore the "Norman_Conquest_," I reckon, and afore the "_subdued_ tone" come in fashion.'Then Mr. Somebody will look like an oracle, and say, 'Great rivers andgreat trees in America. You speak good English.' And then he will seemsurprised, but not say it, only you can read the words on his face,'Upon my soul, you are a'most as white as us.'
"Dinner is over. It's time for ladies to cut stick. Aunt Goosey looksat the next oldest goosey, and ducks her head, as if she was a goin'through a gate, and then they all come to their feet, and the goslinscome to their feet, and they all toddle off to the drawin' roomtogether.
"The decanters now take the "grand tour" of the table, and, like mosttravellers, go out with full pockets, and return with empty ones. Talkhas a pair of stays here, and is laced up tight and stiff. Larnin' ispedantic; politics is onsafe; religion ain't fashionable. You must treadon neutral ground. Well, neutral ground gets so trampled down by bothsides, and so plundered by all, there ain't any thing fresh or goodgrows on it, and it has no cover for game nother.
"Housundever, the ground is tried, it's well beat, but nothin' is putup, and you get back to where you started. Uncle Gander looks at nextoldest gander hard, bobs his head, and lifts one leg, all ready for ago, and says, 'Will you take any more wine?' 'No, sais he, 'but I takethe hint, let's jine the ladies.'
"Well, when the whole flock is gathered in the goose pastur, thedrawin'-room, other little flocks come troopin' in, and stand, or walk,or down on chairs; and them that know each other talk, and them thatdon't twirl their thumbs over their fingers; and when they are tired ofthat, twirl their fingers over their thumbs. I'm nobody, and so I goesand sets side-ways on an ottarman, like a gall on a side-saddle, andlook at what's afore me. And fust I always look at the galls.
"Now, this I will say, they are amazin' fine critters are the womenkind here, when they are taken proper care of. The English may stump theunivarse a'most for trainin' hosses and galls. They give 'em both plentyof walkin' exercise, feed 'em regular, shoe 'em well, trim 'em neat, andkeep a beautiful skin on 'em. They keep, 'em in good health, and don'thouse 'em too much. They are clippers, that's a fact. There is fewthings in natur, equal to a hoss and a gall, that's well trained and ingood condition. I could stand all day and look at 'em, and I call myselfa considerable of a judge. It's singular how much they are alike too,the moment the trainin' is over or neglected, neither of 'em is fit tobe seen; they grow out of shape, and look coarse.
"They are considerable knowin' in this kind o' ware too, are theEnglish; they vamp 'em up so well, it's hard to tell their age, and Iain't sure they don't make 'em live longer, than where the art ain'tso well pract_ised_. The mark o' mouth is kept up in a hoss here by thefile, and a hay-cutter saves his teeth, and helps his digestion. Well,a dentist does the same good turn for a woman; it makes her pass forseveral years younger; and helps her looks, mends her voice, and makesher as smart as a three year old.
"What's that? It's music. Well, that's artificial too, it's scientificthey say, it's done by rule. Jist look at that gall to the piany: firstcomes a little Garman thunder. Good airth and seas, what a crash! itseems as if she'd bang the instrument all to a thousand pieces. I guessshe's vexed at somebody and is a peggin' it into the piany out of spite.Now comes the singin'; see what faces she makes, how she stretches hermouth open, like a barn door, and turns up the white of her eyes, likea duck in thunder. She is in a musical ecstasy is that gall, she feelsgood all over, her soul is a goin' out along with that ere music. Oh,it's divine, and she is an angel, ain't she? Yes, I guess she is, andwhen I'm an angel, I will fall in love with her; but as I'm a man, atleast what's left of me, I'd jist as soon fall in love with one thatwas a leetle, jist a leetle more of a woman, and a leetle, jist a leetleless of an angel. But hullo! what onder the sun is she about, why hervoice is goin' down her own throat, to gain strength, and here it comesout agin as deep toned as a man's; while that dandy feller along sideof her, is singin' what they call falsetter. They've actilly changedvoices. The gall sings like a man, and that screamer like a woman. Thisis science: this is taste: this is fashion; but hang me if it's natur.I'm tired to death of it, but one good thing is, you needn't listenwithout you like, for every body is talking as, loud as ever.
"Lord, how extremes meet sometimes, as Minister says. _Here_, how,fashion is the top of the pot, and that pot hangs on the highest hook onthe crane. In _America_, natur can't go no farther; it's the rael thing.Look at the women kind, now. An Indgian gall, down South, goes mostnaked. Well, a splendiferous company gall, here, when she is _fulldressed_ is only _half covered_, and neither of 'em attract you one miteor morsel. We dine at two and sup at seven; _here_ they lunch at two,and dine at seven. The words are different, but they are identicalthe same. Well, the singin' is amazin' like, too. Who ever heerd themItalian singers recitin' their jabber, showin' their teeth, and cuttin'didoes at a great private consart, that wouldn't take his oath he hadheerd niggers at a dignity ball, down South, sing jist the same, andjist as well. And then do, for goodness' gracious' sake, hear that greatabsent man, belongin' to the House o' Commons, when the chaplain says'Let us pray!' sing right out at once, as if he was to home, 'Oh! by allmeans,' as much as to say, 'me and the powers above are ready to hearyou; but don't be long about it.'
"Ain't that for all the world like a camp-meetin', when a reformedring-tail roarer calls out to the minister, 'That's a fact, Welly Fobus,by Gosh; amen!' or when preacher says, 'Who will be saved?' answers, 'Meand the boys, throw us a hen-coop; the galls will drift down stream on abale o' cotton.' Well then, _our_ very lowest, and _their_ very highest,don't always act pretty, that's a fact. Sometimes '_they repudiate_.'You take, don't you?
"There is another party to-night; the flock is a thinnin' off agin; andas I want a cigar most amazin'ly, let's go to a divan, and some othertime, I'll tell you what a swoi_ree_ is. But answer me this herequestion now, Squire: when this same thing is acted over and over, dayafter day, and no variation, from July to etarnity, don't you thinkyou'd get a leetle--jist a leetle more tired of it every day, and wishfor natur once more.
If you wouldn't I would, that's all."
THE SECOND VOLUME.
The Attaché; or, Sam Slick in England — Complete Page 15
