by Elias Taylor
Her mind was blank. She couldn’t think about this. She didn’t know what to think. Heather shut off all the noises in her head and focused on the next necessary step. She had to be certain. Nothing else could be decided until she knew for sure.
Heather grabbed her purse and pulled on sweatpants over her shorts. She dashed out of the hotel. There was a CVS on the corner. During the three minute walk, Heather’s heart raced. She was so distracted, it took her ages to find the right aisle.
She felt embarrassed as she grabbed the pregnancy test. She wondered if everyone else was judging her.
Then she realized with a start that nobody was in a place to judge her. She wasn’t a teenager in “trouble.” She was an adult and it was perfectly natural that she might be pregnant, as far as everyone in that Chicago CVS knew. What they didn’t know was that she wasn’t married, this wasn’t planned, and she had no idea what she would do next if this test was positive.
Heather took a deep breath. Slow down. One thing at a time.
She walked with her head held high to the register. She paid for the test and made it back to the hotel without incident.
Back in the hotel room, Heather tossed the bag with the test on the bed. She walked from one end of the room to the other. She had drunk water throughout the day. Her eyes fell on the abandoned ice bucket. The cubes had half-melted.
Heather had to be brave. She grabbed the cardboard box and headed into the bathroom.
The test came back positive.
Never one to leave anything to chance, Heather chugged a bottle of water and waited for another twenty minutes to take a second test.
Also positive.
Heather didn’t need the extra proof. She was over a week late, she had been nauseous for days, and she knew. When she placed her hand lightly over her abdomen, she just knew.
Tears sprang to her eyes. Even after their disastrous fight, after she had jumped on a plane to fly thousands of miles, something of Hayden had remained with her this whole time.
Heather’s whole world started to crumble. It collapsed until it was in a million different pieces on the floor. Heather knew she could pick them up and put them back together, but the result would be very different. Some options were gone forever. Other options had appeared.
The hotel room felt too cramped. Heather was having trouble breathing. Desperate for some fresh air, she headed out towards the elevator and took it up this time to the rooftop terrace.
She sighed in relief when she saw that the rooftop was empty. She needed peace and quiet.
Heather sat down on one of the wooden patio chairs and stretched her legs out in front of her. She gazed out over the lake. It was big enough to almost look like an ocean, but Heather knew it wasn’t the ocean. She had grown up near the coast and the lake lacked the proper smells and sounds. The air was devoid of saltiness and no waves crashed a rhythm against the shore.
Heather leaned back and looked up at the stars. Even with the lights from the city, she could make them out.
She felt her body relax and her breathing stabilize. Somehow looking at the massive sky made her problems seem more manageable.
“I’m pregnant,” Heather whispered.
She knew that people usually felt a certain way about this type of thing. Happy. Sad. Worried. Excited.
All Heather felt was shock. And fear. She was scared. And she couldn’t know how she felt because she was missing half of the equation.
Hayden.
He was the other half. He was in this with her and she had to tell him.
She missed him. She wanted him there, by her side, to help her figure out this new development. A rush of nostalgia hit her as she thought about the past few weeks. She had laughed and smiled more in the last month than she had in the past year before her injury. Dance had brought her joy, but nothing else had.
Until Hayden. It had been so easy to fall back in love with him. It had been easy to talk to him and be with him. The intimacy, sexual and otherwise, had been like nothing Heather could have imagined.
He had made everything else seem easy too. Teaching at the studio, planning lessons, adapting to life back in Lyndon – it had all been simple when she could talk through things with Hayden.
And how had she repaid him? She had rejected him just for being who he was. She had run away as if she was a petrified sixteen-year-old.
Tears started to stream down Heather’s face. If Hayden were here, he would brush each one away with his finger and then hold her against this chest for however long it took for her sadness to pass.
Only Hayden wasn’t here and that was all Heather’s fault.
She placed her hand on her stomach. She knew it was too early for her to show, but she swore she could feel the tiniest change. All of a sudden, she panicked. Had she fallen down recently? Had she been drinking in excess or dancing too hard?
She reminded herself to breathe. It was ok and it was still early days. She would pay more attention to what she ate and she would take it easy tomorrow at the audition, no matter if it cost her the job.
Then, for the first time since she had thrown up, Heather allowed herself to picture it.
A baby. A tiny child that was part of her, part Hayden. First, she pictured the baby and then, without her even thinking about it, an image of Hayden appeared. He was holding their baby and smiling down at it.
Another sob escaped her mouth, the image was so beautiful.
She knew in her heart that Hayden might have his own fears or hesitations or doubts, but he would not flee from this. When the time came, he would be whatever she needed him to be. Hayden had always been exactly what Heather needed.
She just wasn’t sure what she needed right this moment.
Heather wanted children. She had always loved her tight-knit family and had planned to have multiple kids. Dance came first though. And she had never really been with anyone she could see herself being long-term with. Except for Hayden. Even when she had vowed that she was just going to keep it casual and enjoy the moment with Hayden, he had still managed to feel like a forever option for her.
Even so, Heather had her qualms about the timing here. First of all, she had always imagined the baby coming after the big white wedding. Heather wasn’t super conservative or anything, but even so, she had never dreamed of a shotgun wedding.
The second issue was whatever was going on with Hayden and the Hogs. Whether or not Hayden had provoked it, that fight had looked gruesome. Heather couldn’t bring a child into that kind of environment. She couldn’t have her co-parent coming home all bruised and battered or, even worse, disappearing for long stretches of time.
Then there was co-parenting. She and Hayden would have to work out their issues. Heather was not in denial about it; she and Hayen had 10 years worth of baggage to sort through.
What had he said when they had their awful fight? That he had never been good enough for her. At the time, Heather had barely registered it, but afterward, the words had needled her. That wasn’t why she had broken up with him all those years ago. He was wrong about that. Hayden had always been good enough for her. She had just been scared by how good he had been, how much she had cared about him. She had been terrified at the idea of how much Hayden could hurt her down the line.
If they had any chance of raising a child together, they would have to discuss all this. He would have to promise to be more careful and she would have to make sure he knew that he was good enough. She would also have to trust him. After all this time, she would have to have faith in the concept that she and Hayden were better together than they were apart. And she would have to figure out how dancing fit into this new life.
It seemed like an impossible mess. She didn’t know what to do or where to start.
A breeze hit her and Heather shivered. The nights were getting cooler, the summer ending. Someone was playing music on one of the floors below. Heather hummed along to the melody. She wanted to dance, but she didn’t want to do technical ballet or a ri
gorous routine. She just wanted to sway back and forth in Hayden’s arms. She wanted to know that she was safe and loved.
Her mind drifted from place to place but it always ended up back on the little life inside her, this new force that was so very small but so powerful.
Was it a boy or a girl? A little chubby boy with Hayden’s big smile. A little girl with his green eyes. Heather couldn’t help but smile. Hayden would adore a son. He would teach him all about bikes and cars. But a daughter...Heather knew that Hayden would spoil his little girl rotten. Whatever she wanted, Hayden would get for her.
But this was all in the abstract. This was hypothetical musing on how it would be if the timing were better, if they hadn’t just had a dreadful argument, if they had not reopened horrible wounds. Heather wasn’t sure they could recover from this.
She reached into her pocket and pulled out her phone. There had been nothing from Hayden since the missed calls while she was on the plane. Not even a text. She wondered if he knew she had already left for Chicago.
He had said she was the worst thing that had ever happened to him. What if he had been right?
Heather clicked through her phone until she reached his contact. She read over the last text he had sent her, right after he had left for the night and promised to come back. It had been right after the picnic, where Hayden had stayed by her side and grinned every time she met a new member of the biker club. He had nearly keeled over with shock when his mother hugged her. Brenda Russel had told Heather to take care of her son. Heather had failed at that.
Hayden’s text was just one sentence:
You were wonderful today.
She had been wonderful. He certainly wasn’t thinking that anymore. He was probably thinking about how she was cold-hearted and cruel for leaving him, without even really letting him explain. She had completely shut down any conversation. All because she was scared.
Heather almost called him right then and there, but she couldn’t make herself go through with it. Not just then. It felt wrong to share such news over the phone, no matter the circumstance. She didn’t even know what she would say or how she would phrase it.
She had to tell him though and she had to tell him soon.
Just not yet. First, Heather had to find the words.
Chapter Twenty-Two: Fate
The morning after sitting out on the beach, Hayden made it to work. He figured that he had to at least pretend that his life was together.
Besides, this was his life. He was a mechanic and he had the Hogs. That was it.
A month ago it had seemed just fine. Now it seemed like it wasn’t even close to enough.
Heather had come back into his life for just long enough to make him want more. Hayden had gotten a taste of something else. A life that was truly full.
Even though it had only been three weeks, Hayden had started to dream of a long future. He couldn’t deny that. He hadn’t meant to. He had meant to just enjoy the time they had. He had told himself over and over that Heather might leave Lyndon.
No matter how many times he tried to stop himself from thinking of a future with her, he had been unable to resist the urge. He had pictured a house with a big sunny kitchen. He had imagined waking up by her side every single morning, knowing they would share the bed again that night. He had pictured adventures with Heather and even kids.
Hayden shook his head. It was too painful to think of all that now when it was just out of reach. He shouldn’t have been thinking of those things in the first place. Heather had made no promises to him. He had no right to intertwine her future with his, even if just in his mind.
He decided he was going to cut back on his drinking, at least for a little bit. The alcohol had made him emotional the night before and he wanted to feel clear-headed from now on.
Then again, if he kept running through images of Heather with his child on her hip, standing in front of the house that he had bought for her, then the pain would be too much. He would need to numb it somehow.
He forced those thoughts to the side of his mind as he got to work on the classic car Louis had gotten in the day before. Hayden still didn’t know what to do about Heather, or even if he should do anything at all. But he knew he had to come to a decision and soon. He couldn’t just wait. Not this time.
Hayden peered into the engine. It was a sky blue 1957 Chevrolet Bel Air. And old car, and a beauty at that. It was not looking in great shape though.
As tragic as it was, sometimes the most beautiful classic cars were beyond repair. No amount of work could make them run again.
Hayden mused over that. Perhaps he and Heather were beyond repair as well. They had been good while it lasted. They had something real and beautiful. But time passed, metal rusted, and engines stalled out. There was nothing you could do about it. Sometimes you just had to let go.
Hayden messed around for a while in the engine. It was too soon to tell what the Chevrolet’s future looked like. The engine needed some major work and a few replacements. Even then, it might not click. Sometimes, it just wasn’t meant to be.
As for his relationship with Heather, Hayden sensed he was going to have to call it a loss. He knew he couldn’t keep it in the garage forever. There was no point. It would add too much sadness to his life.
Hayden stood up straight and ran a hand along the side of the car.
“Hey.”
Hayden turned to see Charlie walking through the shop towards him.
“What are you doing here?”
“Come on, bro,” Charlie said. “What do you think I’m doing here?”
Hayden heaved a sigh. He should have figured his brother would want to talk about everything, especially the future of the club. Now was as good a time as any.
Charlie pulled a chair over and sat down. Hayden perched on a stool across from him.
“Promise you won’t bite my head off like you did to Silvertongue?” Charlie asked.
Hayden shrugged. Then he nodded. He didn’t have any anger left to spew out at his brother. He was too tired to argue.
“So, let’s start with the club,” Charlie said. “I want you as my Number 2, but not if you don’t want it.”
Hayden looked up in surprise. He had never thought there was any choice in the matter. Hayden had to be his brother’s right-hand guy.
“Really?” Hayden asked.
“Fuck yeah,” Charlie said. “I know that if you force yourself to be the Number 2, you’ll just end up rotting from the inside.”
“I do want it,” Hayden said. “Or at least I used to.”
“I can’t tell you what to do about that,” Charlie said. “Just don’t force anything or you’ll end up like dad.”
“What do you mean?” Hayden asked.
Charlie regarded Hayden with a calculating look, as if Charlie was weighing up a decision in his head. At last he nodded.
“Look, don’t bring it up to dad or anything, but back in the day, he wasn’t sure about leading the Hogs,” Charlie said. “But he felt the pressure and he forced himself into the mold. Some days, you can tell he don’t quite fit it all the way.”
It all made sense. Butcher was never one to back down from a challenge and he was a proud man as well. He probably figured he had to take his father’s place as leader, just to save face. Butcher had done a fine job, all in all, but Charlie was right. Every now and then, it was all too clear that Butcher wasn’t suited to the role. He had bouts of insecurity and he let his emotions get the better of him.
“So you think I’m like dad?” Hayden asked.
“Fuck no,” Charlie said. “I think the role of Number 2 would fit you like a glove, if you really wanted it.”
Hayden looked at his older brother. If Charlie was being honest with him, Hayden needed to return the favor.
“It’s Heather,” Hayden said. “We had this fight after we got arrested and now she’s gone back to Chicago for an audition.”
“So?” Charlie asked. “Chicago ain’t Mars, is it?”
>
Hayden blinked. Charlie was acting like it was so simple.
“But it’s just like last time,” Hayden said. “She realized all over again that I wasn’t good enough for her and that we didn’t fit.”
“I’m begging you, bro, you gotta cut out the self-pitying bullshit,” Charlie said. “Heather does not think you’re not good enough for her. She just got a little scared, is all. I don’t blame her with the way you looked after that fight.”
Hayden kept his head down and avoided Charlie’s gaze.
“You can make fun all you want, but I still think you two are destiny,” Charlie said. “But fuck it, fate can’t do all the work, you gotta do something.”
Hayden couldn’t pretend he wasn’t lost. He had been so determined to figure this out on his own, but he was desperate for advice.
“What do I do?” Hayden asked.
Charlie flashed him a grin.
“Bro, you gotta make the grand gesture,” Charlie said. “Do something to let her know just how much you love her.”
In a normal situation, Hayden would have been uncomfortable talking about love and fate with his brother, but this was not a normal situation. The past few days had been hell, and Hayden had to find his way out of it.
“I can’t wait another ten years,” Hayden said.
“Fuck no. Trust me, I don’t wanna deal with your mopey ass for that long.”
“But her dance career...her job offer. I can’t ask her to give all that up.”
“I’m not saying it’s an easy call to make. But it’s a decision you two should be making together. You can’t make it for her, and she can’t make a choice without knowing exactly where you stand.”
“You’re right,” Hayden said.
In Hayden’s mind, it was as if the clouds had parted, and the light was shining through at long last. Heather needed to know all the facts before she made her decision. She needed to know that he was all in. That he loved her.
