by Gareth Otton
The thought made him shudder. Stella didn’t deserve that, no one did.
A wave of depression threatened to buckle his knees. He couldn’t help but feel as though it was his fault. He should have done something more, made a different decision. He had saved Jen at the cost of Stella and that decision felt as though it might kill him.
There was nothing he could do to help Stella though. What he needed was to go back inside and help Jen.
He expelled his ghosts as he walked, making them real enough that Miriam could help Kate get free as Tad went to Jen and once more took her in his arms.
She clung to him like she never had and she sobbed. He wanted to tell her it would be okay, that she was safe and he would let nothing hurt her again. But it would be a lie. He had already failed to keep her safe and he would never forgive himself for it.
All he could do was hug her and try to keep her safe until someone who was better equipped to look after her could take her from him. That was exactly what he did.
He held her close until finally Kate’s backup arrived. They had been less than five minutes responding to Kate’s call. They had all been too late. Tad had been too late.
Now Jen and Stella had to pay the price for his failure.
32
Saturday, 29th November 2015
22:46
“It’s not your fault, Thaddeus. You know that,” Charles said.
All Tad knew was that since he had taken Jen in, her life had been nothing but frustration and pain. Whether it was him forcing her parents to leave, ignoring what she wanted, or exposing her to the events that would break her back, he had been nothing but bad news.
He decided it was best not to answer. He remained seated in the waiting room, anxiously staring at his feet while he waited for news about Jen. The doctors had taken her for tests and they had been gone for more than an hour. The wait was killing him.
“What could you have done different, Tad?” Kate asked.
She sat on the opposite chair and he could feel her eyes on him. They were all watching him. He knew they were trying to break him from his depression, but all he could feel from their stares was judgement.
Tad was a Proxy, stronger than ever. He should have prevented this. Now Jen was hurt and Stella was missing. It could all be blamed on him.
Again he didn’t answer until a new voice spoke up.
“Mr Holcroft?”
Tad looked up sharply at the doctor who was waiting a few feet away. He was a thin, balding man of Indian descent. What little hair he had left was grey and his beard was more white with black flecks than the other way around.
Tad didn’t need to hear his words to know it was bad news. Tad stood and took a few anxious steps closer. His ghosts and Kate did the same, though the doctor only saw Kate. He glanced at her before turning his attention back to Tad.
“I’m afraid it isn’t good. The attack on your daughter has done serious damage to her spine. We’ll need to operate, but it’s to limit future complications rather than to return the use of her legs. To be frank, I don’t see her ever walking again.”
Tad groaned as his last vestiges of hope slipped away.
“Does she know?” he asked.
The doctor shook his head. “In situations like these we tell the parents first. If you wish I could tell your daughter, but—”
“No. That’s okay. I’ll speak with her. Can I see her?”
He nodded. “I want to get her into the operating room soon, so you won’t have long. She’s just through there.”
Tad thanked him and walked to the door the doctor pointed to, but stopped when his ghosts and Kate fell in behind him.
“Could you give me a minute? You’ll get a chance to speak to her before she goes down, but I want a few minutes alone.”
Kate nodded and backed off, but the others were much slower. Surprisingly it was Tony who was the most reluctant. He looked ready to fight Tad for the right to go to Jen first, but he nodded and went to sit by Charles.
Tad thanked them all, ignored the questioning stare from the doctor, and walked through the door.
He entered a large room that was sparsely furnished. There was a door to the left as he walked in, behind which was a small bathroom. Opposite he found a TV on the wall with a stock floral print in a cheap frame mounted beside it. There were two chairs in the room, one in the corner under the TV and the second, a larger wing backed chair, beside the single bed.
In that bed, looking smaller than ever, a scared little girl was watching him apprehensively. Her hazel eyes were wide and moist. She was not crying, but she had been. Jen was nervously chewing her bottom lip. Tad had to fight back tears.
How could he tell this girl that because of him, she would never walk again?
He pulled the seat beside her bed closer and sat down. He thought about holding her hand, but decided against it. As soon as he told her the news she would want nothing more to do with him. His touch would probably feel like poison.
“Jen. It’s not… uh… I’ve got bad news.”
Jen said nothing, but she breathed quicker and new tears rolled down her cheeks.
“I’ve spoken with the doctor and… I’m so sorry, but he said he doesn’t think you'll be able to walk again.”
She still said nothing. Just stared at him, tears flowing faster and her breathing becoming more laboured. He looked to her aura to see how she was handling it, but got no better read than before. Like with Stella, Jen was doing her best to suppress her emotions.
A lump formed in his throat, but he struggled to push past it. He needed to say a few more things. Even if they were the last thing she ever heard from him, he had to get it out.
“I’m so sorry about this. I know sorry is not nearly enough…” His words trailed off as that lump threatened to choke him. He shook his head and wiped away his tears. “I should have known better than to think I could give you a good home, or keep you safe. This is all my fault.”
Again he wiped his eyes. “I wanted you to know you don’t have to worry about it anymore. As soon as I leave, I’m going to see about getting someone more appropriate to look after you. I’ll have a word with Kate’s boss about getting you somewhere safe, somewhere you can disappear, and then you’ll never have to see me again.”
His words were growing faster with every sentence. It was all he could do to get them out and he couldn’t help but rush. As soon as he finished he stood.
“I’m so sorry to have failed you. I…” He couldn’t think of anything else to say, anything that would make it better. All he could see was her tears, the anguish on her face and the way her shoulders shook. The only thing his presence was doing was upsetting her more.
“I love you, Jen. I never meant for this… I’m sorry.” He intended for those to be his last words and he started to leave. He stopped when Jen grabbed his hand.
She had almost thrown herself out of bed to grab him. He caught her and helped her back to her original position.
“Easy Jen. You’re really hurt. You shouldn’t be—”
“Please don’t leave me, daddy,” she interrupted.
It was her word choice more than the sudden panic in her voice that shocked Tad.
“Please don’t go. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I wanted to protect you, wanted to prove I was strong. Please don’t send me away.”
“What?” Tad asked, slowly sitting again. He thought to let go of her hand but she was gripping his so tightly there was no chance of that. “I thought… Jen. You’re not happy with me and I can’t keep you safe—”
“I am happy with you. I love living with you. I always have.”
“No you don’t. You’re just confused. We argue all the time. Life isn’t supposed to be that hard. Trust me. You’d be happier—”
“No.” She almost shouted and Tad worried someone would come in to see what all the fuss was about. “Please. Don’t leave me. I don’t want you to go. I love living with you. You, Miriam, Ch
arles and Tony are my family. Please don’t send me away.”
“But we argue all the time. I thought—”
“No. I just wanted you to show me how to be a Proxy. I wanted to be useful.” She sniffed and wiped her nose with her free hand. “I wanted to be strong so I could protect you.”
“Protect me from what?”
She didn’t answer. She couldn’t find the words and she blushed. Her aura was blazing again, and it was much easier to read. There was panic, fear and embarrassment all mixed in a glowing jumble.
Finally she said, “I didn’t want to lose you too.”
One thing Tad learnt from his time looking through other people’s memories was how perception changed them. Memories aren’t like movies. There is no final edit or finished cut. They change with perception, and it was something Tad found fascinating when he saw his ghost’s memories change as they applied new knowledge to them.
Even amongst the living, perception was everything.
Tad felt that same phenomena happing then. With this new information he analysed his arguments with Jen over the past few years. He remembered how she got over the pain of losing her parents and started acting out. He thought she was rebelling against the man who made them leave.
Now he saw a girl trying desperately to never feel that loss again. Every time she pushed for him to teach her, she had always argued it was so she could protect herself.
She was trying to get strong.
Trying to protect him.
He was an idiot.
Suddenly he was squeezing her hand harder and forcing her to look at him.
“Jen. It’s not your job to protect me. It’s my job to protect you. You never needed to be stronger, you’re already strong enough.”
She sniffed and wiped her nose again.
“I didn’t want to lose you. You kept going into all these dangerous places and—”
He leaned in close. “I’m so sorry. I never even thought about it. But you didn’t need to worry. I’ve been dealing with this stuff since I was younger than you. I was never in any real danger.”
“What about Proxies disappearing? What about Cleopatra?”
He sighed and shook his head. “We could argue about this all day, but I don’t want to argue with you. We’ve got more important things going on. I can’t believe… Look. From now on, some things need to change. We need to be more honest with each other. I’ve spent the last year thinking you hated me. You’ve spent it thinking you’re not strong enough. Neither is true. That’s down to bad communication. So, let’s get this out in the open. Do you still want to live with me when this is over?”
Again she bit her lip nervously and she nodded. “Please don’t send me away.”
He smiled and shook his head. “I won’t. I only said that because I thought it was what you wanted, what was best for you. It still might be safer—”
“No. I want to stay with you, dad.”
There was that word again. He definitely hadn’t imagined it. By the look on her face, it was the first time she noticed that she said it.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to call—”
“It’s okay to call me that, Jen. If you want to that is.”
“It’s not… weird?”
Tad grinned. “Hell yeah. It’s weird. It’ll take some getting used to, but I could grow to like it.”
Jen giggled, which turned into a wince as she aggravated her injuries. The look on her face sobered them both up and reminded them where they were.
“Right. It’s sorted. What I need now is for you to get yourself better. They’re going to take you for an operation soon. I don’t want you to worry about it, okay? Whatever happens, we’ll deal with it together.”
“What about you? You’re going after Stella, aren’t you?”
For the first time he heard that note of accusation in her voice for what it really was, the fear of a daughter who didn’t want to lose her father.
He was about to lie and tell her he would be right by her side, but he had just got done telling her they needed to be more honest with each other.
“I am. I need to get this sorted. I’m going to get Stella back and we’re going to stop this once and for all.”
He could see the look of panic on her face and he spoke over her. “I told you, I don’t want you worrying about me. You need to concentrate on you. I’ll be fine. Stella is a kidnapped detective, so I’m not going in alone after her. We know where she’ll be and the police are sending everything they have for her. I’m just going as supernatural support.”
Luckily Jen didn’t know much about Joshua King. She hadn’t heard what they found out in Tenby, and Tad kept the worst of what he had learnt from Dinah to himself. His words were enough to comfort her, and she relaxed.
“I don’t want you to go,” she said, softer this time as though she were more resigned to her fate.
“I’m not going anywhere yet. I’ll be with you until you go down for your operation, and this will all be over by the time you’re awake. I promise.”
“Then what?”
“Then we get you better. That’s the important thing. We need to get you better so you can come home.”
She nodded and pulled on his hand to bring him close. He recognised that she was about to try to hug him so he moved in closer before she couldn’t put any more stress on her back. She’d moved too much already.
After he released her, he called in the others. Jen put on a brave face for each of them and they tried to do the same for her. There were a lot of tears shed over the next few minutes, and it was almost a relief when the doctor came in to shoe them all out.
Tad remained as the doctor and anaesthetist did their work. Just before Jen went under, she got Tad’s attention and said, “I love you, dad.”
That directness was the kind of thing he always thought was cheesy when he’d seen it in movies. Now, when his daughter was about to face something so terrifying, he realised there was nothing cheesy about it. It was a powerful phrase that everyone needed to hear in the important moments of their lives.
“I love you too,” he whispered.
The anaesthetist did her thing and had Jen counting backwards from ten. She never made it to seven before she was out cold.
Tad stayed behind as they wheeled her out of the room. He was terrified for her and still felt responsible for what happened, but he no longer felt down. Their conversation had breathed fresh life into him and as soon as he couldn’t see her anymore he was ready to get to work. There was a lot to do and not much time to do it in.
He promised Jen he’d have it wrapped up by the time she woke up and he was determined to keep that promise. That meant he had until then to find Stella and confront Joshua King.
With renewed purpose he strode from the room and went looking for Kate. He was suddenly eager to get started.
33
Sunday, 30th November 2015
00:41
Kate slammed her hand on the roof of the car to get Tad’s attention. Her glare was pure, white hot anger. Kate was a big woman… a valley’s woman. Tad needed to tread carefully.
Her mood was not improved by the rain. It fell as though it was angry, bouncing from anything it hit and quickly soaking them. Her hair, worn loose during the day, was slicked back, her heavy coat was glistening, and the only thing about her that seemed warm was her fiery gaze.
Tad raised his hands in surrender, acknowledging that she had his attention.
“You need to think about this. There’s no way this works out well for anyone.”
“I made a—”
“Promise. Right. You told me on the way here. I understand, you don’t want to disappoint Jen and you said you’d get this mess wrapped up by the time she woke up—”
“Which could be any time now. Who knows how long she has left in surgery?”
“I said I understand. But the thing is, Jen will get over you breaking this promise. She won’t get over you getting yourself killed.”
/> “I have no intention of getting myself—” he began to say, but was interrupted again. This time it was Charles, siding with Kate. Traitor.
“She has a point, Thaddeus. We don’t know enough to go in there. You said yourself that King is beyond you. We could be walking into a trap.”
“We could,” Tad agreed. “But how would waiting be any different? King’s got us beat on all fronts. He’s stronger, better connected, and he’s sitting on some kind of Proxy holy place. But those facts will never change. The one thing we have on our side is surprise.”
“Tad, we don’t even have police backup.”
It was Miriam’s turn to side with Kate, and Tad felt his temper slip. He didn’t need this. So many things let him down tonight. First Maggie, then the police when they went to them for help, and now his ghosts. Maybe he should do this on his own.
“You have a point.” All three ghosts and Kate let out sighs and wore the expressions of people who had finally breached the madness of a friend. “This will be dangerous and it might be best if you all wait here.”
“Hang on a second. Don’t be like that. If you’re going in, then so am I.” Surprisingly it was Tony who showed support. All eyes turned to the angry teen who took a step closer to Tad. “What? I don’t like this any more than you, but I won't let Tad go in alone, that would be suicide.”
“Without police backup, it’s suicide anyway,” Kate protested.
“Well we’re not getting that, are we?” It was one of the few times Tony summoned the nerve to meet Kate’s anger with his own. “Even you’ve got to admit they’ve let us down. One of their own is kidnapped and they refuse to act until they have proof.”
“They’re ready to act,” Kate replied. “But they’re the police, they can’t just go barging into a place like King tower based on Tad’s suspicions.”
“Well is that going to change anytime soon?” Tad asked.
Tad could see Kate knew where his question was leading, but there was no way out of it. She shook her head reluctantly.
“Then what difference does it make? Here’s the facts. There’s a bastard in there who won't stop at anything until either Jen or me falls under his knife. On top of this he has Stella who was kidnapped trying to help me. However you look at it, there's nothing to gain by waiting.”
