by John Barth
“That’s not nice,” Max suggested. But he didn’t say verboten, as once he would have, and I noticed he was usually somewhere about to see the brutes jump.
This new sport—say rather diversion, since I had lost all taste for play—preoccupied me until one evening in March, just short of a fortnight after my fall. I had had no victims all that day; it was a Friday, and Max had long since told me how surpassing dull humans were, that spend five days a week learning things to make them miserable. Then after supper, as Redfearn’s Tom and I enjoyed a fresh salt-lick, I heard a clinking rattle in the road, which I knew to be the sound of a bicycle. Together we peered out into the pound: a plump, brown-coated human lady had dismounted from her thing in the dusking light and approached our fence. By the look of her she was no doeling—though truly, all humans but Max looked much alike to me. Her hair was cream-white like a Saanen’s and seemed decently brushed; she wore jeweled eyeglasses pointed at the corners; her legs were bare from hock to hoof … how did one describe a creature that changed its coat every day? She came to the fence and looked about the pound, where three or four kids were sleeping off their meal. They were polite enough, when she called something meaningless to them, to wander over and sniff the dead weeds she stuck through the wire. But of course it was not they she came to taunt; she pretended interest in them for half a minute and then yoohooed at the barn. Her voice seemed timid; I guessed she feared Max might hear and prevent her from molesting me.
“Yoo hoo, Billy? Come, Billy Billy?”
So, she would summon me by name to my torment. I raged into the pound; leaped at her with a howl I’d learned from the sheep-dog bitch across the Road. Kids sprang in all directions, tripping over their own legs; but though she dropped her grass and drew her hands back, the woman didn’t fly. There was no fright in her expression, merely alarm and something else. I rose up on my knees, clutched the mesh, and growled.
“No, no,” she said. She even squatted to my height, drew something from a bag, and offered it me to eat. I backed off and charged again, too furious now to care what trick she played me. I crashed against the fence, was thrown back, and crashed against the fence again. I whinnied and stamped and bared my teeth, bleated and barked and brayed; I flung a board and clots of turd at her, and all the while she pleaded, “No, Billy! Please!” The ruckus brought Max hobbling from the barn, where the kids had run. He found me rolling in the dirt with rage.
“Git! Git!” he cried at the woman. “Shoo! Go home!”
She began then to make a strange sound indeed, such as I had never heard: a kind of catching, snorting whimper. And water dropped from behind her eyeglasses as she turned away. I made to spring a final time to speed her off.
“Stillstand!” Max snapped. What is more, he jabbed me in the thurl with the butt of his crook—the first rough use I’d ever had at his hands —and when instinctively I snorted and lowered my head at him like any stud-buck, he cracked me a sharp one across the chine and said, “Get on in, or I put a ring in your silly nose!”
So unexpected was the blow, and his speech so smarting, I ran a-yelp into the barn, more frightened than ever I’d been when my tower tumbled. The woman, just mounting her bike, let go another whoop of her curious noise; I heard Max shooing her off still. My face was wet. I wiped one arm across to see the blood from where he must have cut me—but found only water, that smeared my dusty wrist and was salt as our lick. My throat ached, my lip shook; now I too was wrenched with those bawling wows, which wracked the worse when Max clucked in to soothe me: then he hugged me, kissed my eyes, said “Ach, child, what’s the tears now?” and the entire barnyard rang with my first grief.
It was his chore to explain this noise as he had the other. The task was light: we’d used words between us oftener in the fortnight past, for one thing, so that my supply of them had tripled and quadrupled. Besides, the matter itself was less mysterious. In the weeks thereafter as I mused fitfully in my stall (no stranger to insomnia now), I tried experiments with both: laughter, I discovered, was easy to simulate but difficult to bring oneself to genuinely, while the reverse was true of tears. The hilariousest memories I could summon, such as Redfearn’s Tommy’s mistaking me for Max, brought no more than a smile to my lips; but at any of half a dozen contrary recollections—Tommy springing from my touch, Max threatening to ring my nose, the cream-haired woman not retreating from my charge—I was moved to sniffles and wet cheeks. In fact, I came to weep at the least occasion. Instead of attacking my visitors I wept in a corner of the barn; the sight of other kids frisking or of moonshine whitening the buckwheat watered my eyes; I wept at Max’s efforts to jolly me and at his impatience with my tears; I wept even at weeping so; I wept at nothing.
Also I made friends that spring with restlessness. When all goatdom and its keeper were asleep I prowled the pasture, spooking deer and flushing woodcocks from their rest; or I would hang my chin over the fence and stare down the Road that led to the Barns Where Humans Slept—and which Max told me it was death for goats to walk upon. In the daytime, when we all went out to browse, I took to slipping from the herd and wandering by myself through the great black willows along the creek, or up in the rise of nibbled hemlocks where the woods began.
From these latter, one bright April morning, a flash of light came. Looking more closely I spied a movement in the scrub perhaps two hundred meters from where we grazed. In all likelihood it was a deer, and the flash some tin or bit of glass he’d turned with his hoof; just possibly it was a human student, escaped into our pasture. In any case my curiosity was pricked; I teased Redfearn’s Tommy into chasing me that way. Dear Tom was a strapping fellow then; it was his last month to run with us before being penned up for stud. But he still loved a romp, and while there was no way to tell him my intentions, I knew that once he saw the intruder we’d have great sport running it back into the bush.
“Ho, Tom!” I urged. Midway between herd and hemlocks I saw the flash again; so must have Tommy, for he drew up short, bobbed his head—and galloped back, pretending not to hear the gibes I sent after him. I looked around for Max; he had not come out with us that day. I went on alone. For prudence’s sake I came up noisily, to give the creature warning. I rather expected to find nothing but dung and hoof-prints by the time I got there: Instead, just behind the first tree, I found the cream-haired weeper. She stood uncertainly a dozen yards off, wearing green this time and clutching a leathern bag against her belly; it was her eyeglasses, I observed, that had flashed in the sun.
“Nice Billy?”
I pawed the brown needles and threatened with my forehead.
“Look here, I brought you something good.” As before, she drew a square white handful from her bag. I felt no anger, but a grand discomfiture; I ought to have gone back with Tommy. I feigned a charge just to send her off to her own pasture, but she only waggled her offering at me.
“Come, dear, don’t be afraid. It’s a peanut-butter sandwich.”
I bounded at her with a snarl—but faltered just before her. Quite clearly she would suffer my attack if need be. Was she so fearless, or merely stupid? Now she dared to toss the white food at my feet and come up to me with hands extended. I ignored the bribe (which however had a most sharp fragrance): what arrested me was that her eyes already brimmed with that water so familiar lately to my own. She knelt and patted my curls; her human odors filled my nostrils; I forgot even to growl.
“There, he’s a friendly Bill, he is.” How different her voice was from dear Max’s, and her manner of touching. I shivered under it; made nervous water when she stroked my barrel. “Sure he wouldn’t hurt his friend,” she went on. “Do you know how much I hoped you’d see me? And wasn’t I afraid of that brute you play with! Good Billy, gentle Billy, that’s a Billy. Here, you just try this, Dr. Spielman won’t mind …”
She held the sandwich to my lips. I chewed a corner off it and drooled at its outlandish savor. The woman wiped my chin with a scented white cloth and clucked about the dirt on me.
I gobbled up the rest of the sandwich.
“Wasn’t that fine? Tomorrow I’ll give you another one. And milk, if you want, and some more things you never had before. What do you say, Billy?”
It was a civil question, plainly put and plainly requiring a yes or no, but my new friend seemed astonished when I said “Ja ja, dot’s OK.”
“Oh, my gracious, you can talk, can’t you!” She flung her arms about my neck; I thought myself threatened and wrenched back with a snort. But the woman was weeping, and unused though I was to such behavior, I understood that it was not in anger she hugged me to her woven coat. It was such a hug Max hugged me the day I had learned to cry—but rockinger, more croonish—and I wept in rhythm with her, a sweeter thing than doing it alone.
We tarried for the queerest forenoon of my life. Having discovered that I could speak, she plied me with questions: Did Max beat me? Wasn’t I wretched in that stinking barn? Was I being taught to read and write? Had I no friends at all besides the goats? Half of what she said I couldn’t grasp; even when the words were familiar I sometimes failed to understand the question. What did it signify, for example, to ask whether anything was being done for my legs? They had always been as they were—wiry and tough, with fine horny pads at the joints; not so supple as Tommy’s, but far usefuller than Max’s. Why ought anything to be done for my legs, any more than for hers? Again, to illustrate what reading was she took from her bag a white book, which mistaking for another sandwich, I tried to snatch from her.
“No, now,” she mildly chid, “that’s just paper, you know. Poor thing, you never had bedtime stories, did you? Let’s sit down, I’ll read you something …”
I pretended to be listening; then as she seated herself I ripped a leaf from the book and sprang away to eat it.
“Oh dear!” she cried merrily. “So that’s how it is! Well you needn’t grab, young man, it’s not a bit mannerly. You march yourself back and say ‘Please,’ and you shall have all you like.” In earnest of her pledge she tore a page out herself and offered it me. “Now, that does for the title-page and end-papers, doesn’t it? We mustn’t eat the others till we’ve read them.” She chattered on, and all I understood was the gentle good humor of her tone. We wept again, I do not know why—indeed, we wept repeatedly throughout that griefless day. In the end I laid my head in her lap as she read to me, and toyed with the silver watch she wore on a lanyard round her neck. Why was I not with the herd, and what would Max think?
Unlike much of what I heard that morning, the story was splendidly clear and gripping: it involved three excellent brothers who desired to cross a stream and feast upon cabbages, but were opposed in their innocent design by a typical human visitor called Troll. This Troll, understand, had no desire to eat the cabbages himself, nor from what I gathered was the bridge his private pen; even had it been, his intent was not the honorable one of guarding his privacy. Ah no: I was aghast to hear from my friend’s calm lips that the brute meant to kill those beautiful heroes and eat their flesh. My gorge rose at the thought; I could scarcely chew the page on which such evil was. The woman saw my agitation, patted my neck and insisted it was “just a story”—as if that excused Troll’s wickedness, or would save Wee Willie! Only her assurance that the brothers would triumph staunched my tears and dissuaded me from calling Max to their rescue—for though I could not see the Misters Gruff, they were there in the words that sounded off the page, as real and clear to me as Redfearn’s Tommy. What resourcefulness the youngest of them showed in turning Troll’s blood-lust to their advantage: the story named no breeds, but I was sure in my heart that this initial Gruff (to my mind, the real hero) was of the same species as myself. I hung on the tale’s unfolding, I wanted it never to end, and yet trembled with concern for the second brother, lest he not have caught the gambit of the first. “Tell him wait for der biggest brudder yet!” I counseled—yet durst I hope even Troll could be gulled thus again? At the appearance of Great William Gruff I forgot to eat, and when I saw justice done (albeit bloodily) and that worthiest of families cross to their reward, I embraced my newfound friend about her middle.
Never was such a wonder as this story! Its passion drained me, yet I was bleating for more when Max’s shophar hooted in the distance.
“What’s that? Must you go?” She returned the precious volume to her bag. There’d be another tale tomorrow; she knew a host of them. And more peanut-butter.
“Bye-bye, now,” she called. I scampered back to her, mistaking her meaning; the pull of the shophar against my movement brought tears to my eyes. Ah, was that it? Auf wiedersehen, then, till tomorrow … the herd was almost to the barn already.
“Bye-bye! Bye-bye!” I galloped tearfully through the fields. At the first of the stud-pens I paused to say respectfully bye-bye to Brickett Ranunculus, an Anglo-Nubian who but that he was polled had been my image of Great William. Then I ran inside and threw my arms around Max, forking down hay.
“I love you, Max!”
“You gone crazy, boy?” Max put by his pitchfork. “Where you been again off from the herd, and don’t tell nobody?” His tone was stern, but not angry; my odd behavior, however upsetting, no longer surprised him. With all my heart I longed to tell Max of my adventure—especially the miracle called story, which couldn’t be shared with Redfearn’s Tom. Yet I fought down that urge, and in fact said not a word about the peanut-butter sandwich, the field of cabbages, or my appointment for the morrow, all which wonders were to pitch me sleepless through the night. Some intuition warned verboten; taking my cue from that soul of invention, Wee Willie Gruff, I said bye-bye to fourteen years of perfect candor—and dissembled with Max Spielman.
4.
May and June rent my soul in two. “I hate that play-pound!” I declared.
“So go out with the herd.”
But the herd, I protested honestly enough, was a bore; who wanted to browse all day with old does? I pretended it was Redfearn’s Tommy’s absence that discontented me—but refused to stay behind with him in the buck-pens.
“Leave me alone,” I said. “Stop pestering me to stay with the herd.”
Max shrugged. “Who’s pestering? All I want, you don’t make yourself unhappy.” I saw him raise his shaggy eyebrows: I had not got such notions from Redfearn’s Tom or Mary V. Appenzeller. But I was past caring whose feelings I hurt or what anyone suspected. Lady Creamhair found me scarcely less unpleasant. I saw her every day now except when bad weather or bad temper kept me from the hemlock grove. I lived for our interviews, but spoiled them for the slightest reasons. She wouldn’t tell me her real name, lest I repeat it to Max; nor would she say why Max shouldn’t know of our friendship. I quite understood that there would be unpleasantness of some sort if he did—I would be penned for good and all with my brother bucks, and Lady Creamhair’s keepers would see to it she was kept thenceforward in her barn. Only in blackest moods was I inclined to make a clean breast of things, but I pouted to Lady C. as if our secret were a burden of her imposing that I bore unwillingly. She read me no end of stories, and began to teach me to read for myself. My accent, which till then I’d not known I had, commenced to fade—rather, to be replaced by a manner of speaking no less unusual, as I have learned since. Her grandfather, she told me, had once been a professor of Antique Narrative somewhere on West Campus; inasmuch as the books I devoured were all from his collection, my speech came to be flavored with the seasons of older time. I learnt to say “Alas” where once I’d cried “Ach”; I no longer said “Nein,” but might well lament “Nay.”
Nor was it my locutions only that were thus marked. My fancy, theretofore ignorant of its hunger, I glutted on such heady fare as Tales of the Trustees, The Founder-Saga, and the exploits of legendary scholars who had wandered through the wilds of the ancient campus. Rich stuff. And like a starved man rendered ill by too-sudden feasting, my imagination that spring was sore blown. One day I would see myself as Great William Gruff, and Max and Lady C. as Trolls bent on keeping me, each in his fashion, f
rom the Cabbage of a glorious destiny. Was it not that I was meant to be a splendider buck even than Brickett Ranunculus, and Lady C. had been sent by jealous powers to witch me into rude humanity? Or was it (alack) that I was of noble human birth, the stuff of chairmen and chancellors, but had—like many another student prince—been wizarded into beasthood by Max Spielman? Worse than either of these, another day I felt me no hero at all, not prince nor black-shagged Pyrenean, but a troll myself: a miserable freak resolved in the spite of monstership to destroy whatever decent thing came near my bridge. Thus no matter what my weather I behaved badly with one whose pardon I wretchedly craved when that weather changed; or else having injured them I despised them, out of the surplus of my loathing for myself. Painful season.
But since Creamhair was a friend of less long standing, and the hemlock grove less beloved of me than the barn, it was Max and Mary who bore the burthen of my contempt. I had used to sleep, often as not, nestled into Mary’s brisket; now, though she cried for me as for an unweaned kid, when I came home at all I slept with Redfearn’s Tommy. Max surely understood that my excursions were not innocent: I spoke to him in brusque one-syllables, not to have to feign the accent I’d come to hate the sound of; filled with petits fours and tossed salads I turned up my nose at his honest lespedeza; out of tone from afternoons of languid talk, I refused to wrestle with Redfearn’s Tom for my keeper’s amusement. But he only tisked his tongue, and not to provoke me to worse unkindness, stayed out of my presence as much as he could. When I slipped through his pen at night en route to prowl the fields, he would pretend to be asleep; but if I stole back to look five minutes later, I’d find him sitting up in the straw, gesturing at no one and mumbling into his whiskers, or sawing upon his ancient fiddle.
