by K. A. Berg
“Angel…” he sighs, but I have to interrupt.
“Please,” I beg. “Please don’t call me that, not today.”
“Okay,” he says with a tiny flicker of sadness in his eyes. “You love Jordan. That much is obvious. But what you need to ask yourself is if you love him more than you love yourself. Do you love him enough to live this lie? You have been terrified of letting someone change the person you are. You have changed. And it’s okay if you like the person you’ve become. Do you like the person you are today, Quinn?”
“I do love Jordan. But I love him like I love Tanner. I love him the way I imagine I would love a brother if I had one. I love him enough not to want to hurt him,” I confess while avoiding the topic of liking myself right now. I don’t like myself. My father has made me his puppet. He pulls the strings. My life isn’t my own anymore unless I want my life to be confined to a six by nine cell. Even if my father decides not to fuck me over, he’s still fucking me over. If I don’t do this today, I’ll always be waiting for that phone call asking me to come in for questioning. The day may come, or it might not, but the threat will always be there. It’s a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. But it doesn’t necessarily have to explode to wreak havoc on my life. It already is.
I’m so fucking tired of keeping all this inside. I wish I could tell Alex the truth, but I can’t. Telling anyone about what my father plans to do if I don’t do what he wants increases the chances everything will blow up in my face. There’s just too much at stake.
“But look at you,” he comments, running his finger down my cheek. “Your eyes are red and swollen. You’ve obviously been crying. I’m sure you didn’t get much sleep last night. Do you love him enough to live the rest of your life accepting the decision you make today? I’m not talking about staying in the marriage. Divorces are always possible. I’m talking about the possibility of meeting someone someday who you actually want to marry. Can you live with that person not being the only person you’ve made this promise to?
“I know you’ve probably covered all the financial aspects of everything but what about all the other real life things like sickness and accidents? As your husband, he would make important decisions for you and vice versa. What happens if you were in an accident like Ashley’s? Would you trust Jordan to stay by your side? What if you got sick? Would Jordan stay and care for you? Could you make a life or death decision for him? Would you be able to stay if something life changing happened to him? What happens if the company goes bankrupt? Can you work through that? Can you stand by each other under the pressure of something bad? These are important things you need to think about.”
I don’t say anything. I sit there and try to picture my life if I take this step today and marry Jordan knowing I have no romantic feeling for him. Is this fair to me? Is this fair to Jordan? What happens to me if he meets someone he wants to marry? Am I going to be okay with him coming home smelling like another woman? Can I do all of the things Alex just mentioned? I’d like to think yes, but the truth is I think Jordan and I have taken this thing way too lightly. He could get hit by a bus tomorrow and be paralyzed. Cancer runs in his family. What if Jordan gets sick while we’re together? I love him, but I love him in a platonic way. I stuck by Ashley no problem, but I wasn’t married to her.
I love him. I do. We get along well, and we have a lot in common. He seems to understand me as a person, which I know isn’t an easy feat. But how do I find out if I'm making the right—or wrong—decision? Either way, either decision has repercussions of its own.
I wish all the things Alex just brought up were the only things I had to consider. It would be much easier. No, I wouldn’t marry him. But it's not that easy. If I marry him, I’ll have everything I’ve been waiting for. My company and my father gone. But what will be left of me after? And if I don’t do this, there’s the very real possibility my father screws me over, and again, what will be left of me after? There’s no way to know for sure, but I know he’s capable of it. It’s a big fucking risk.
Alex’s voice breaks me from my haze. “Can you see yourself with him in forty years? Is he going to be there to tell you you’re beautiful even with age? Is he going to treasure you like you deserve to be treasured? It’s not a prom date, Quinn. It’s marriage. Answer this one question … Do you love him enough to go to his house and tell him if he truly loves someone else, he should marry her? Do you love him enough to beg him to not marry that person if he doesn’t?”
I take a good look at Alex. I watch his face and the moisture welling in his eyes. I can tell this wasn’t easy for him to do today. I’m sure the last thing in the world he wanted to be doing today was talking me through my meltdown.
I know I don’t love Jordan the way Alex is describing, but love isn’t what matters here. Seeing Alex practically begging me not to do this today makes everything harder. When I thought about getting married once upon a time, I pictured everything Alex just spoke about. The husband who loves me unconditionally. A man I trust my life with. Someone I know would always be there for me no matter what, just like Alex is doing now. But I don’t have the luxury of simply saying no. My hands are tied and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it.
“If you don’t love him like that, then don’t marry him.”
I thought I was sick to my stomach before, but it pales in comparison to the gut wrenching feeling consuming me as those words leave Alex’s mouth. Apparently, there’s a third person who stands to be seriously affected by my choice today.
I stare at him, I mean, really take a good look at him. I haven’t allowed myself to look at him since he’s come back. It stirs up too many feelings I’ve been trying to bury for a long while now. His features have a hardened look now. There’s no doubt Alex has changed. His hair is longer. He’s let his beard grow out a little longer than before. He’s tanned. But he’s sad. This hollow version of him is because of me. But if I take him back, and he breaks my heart entirely, the hollowed version would be me. I can totally lose my entire being with Alex. He holds the power to break me beyond repair. But he also has this way of building me up. He makes me feel secure in myself. Do I even believe the crap I’ve convinced myself about him?
But if I don’t marry Jordan, I can lose everything I’ve worked for. I lose my career. My company. Possibly my freedom. The life I’ve worked so hard for. If I do marry Jordan, I’m losing myself.
I know everything I stand to gain and everything I stand to lose with Jordan. But with Alex, I could lose just about every damn thing…
NOW AVAILABLE
Acknowledgments
Wow! Quinn and Alex. This book was never actually supposed to happen. Quinn and Alex were just supposed to be the awesome best friends of Ashley and Tanner. Then you guys started to tell me that you wanted to hear more of their story and the ideas started forming and these characters started speaking to me, wanting to be heard.
Quinn is one messed up chick. I know most of you probably don’t like her and what she did to Alex. She’s damaged. The world around her forcing her to believe things that aren’t necessarily true. While, yes, the people that have formed Quinn’s misperception exist in real life, there’s much more out there that she hasn’t seen. Even with true love all around her, she still has her doubts. She’s flawed, but aren’t we all?
And Alex, my poor, poor, Alex. He’s amazing. I hoped you loved him. He loves Quinn despite everything that’s transpired between them. He loves her despite her flaws. Isn’t that what we all want in life? Someone to love the real us? Alex is my definition of the perfect partner. He knows how to pick Quinn up when she’s down, give the space she needs to accept things, and loves unconditionally. I just hope that he can get his girl back before it’s too late.
But enough of that, on to the many thank yous…
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My hubby… Your unwavering support is the most wonderful gift in the world. Sometimes I can get so wrapped in these stories that I complete forget the world around me. You nev
er complain. Not when the laundry doesn’t get done, not when we’ve had takeout five nights in a row because I can’t stop working to cook. Not when my brain’s fried and I want to throw in the towel. You just tell me it’s okay and I can do it. You listen to me prattle on about fictional characters like they’re in the room with us with a smile. I love you!
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My children… Thank you so much for being so understanding about mommy’s ‘working.’ Thank you for asking about my books and how many there are and congratulating me they’re finished. I love you guys and everything I do is for you, even if it may not seem like it.
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Tiffany… My slutty, dick-loving, country bumpkin! God, are there even words to express my gratitude for you, your work, and your loyal friendship? Thank you for EVERY single thing you have done for me. I push and push and you always come through, surpassing my expectations with a smile on your face. Even when I decided to make you bi-sexual, you took it with a smile realizing that, in fact, a hot sex scene with you and Alex was never going to happen. Thank you for your friendship. True friends are hard to find, especially the ones who would literally give you the shirt off their back. I love you, twat-suck!
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Dessuré… I really have no idea how the hell I got you as my PA, but thank the Lord! You keep me in line. I may groan when your texts of “You better be writing” come through but it’s only because you’re fantastic at what you do. We both know that my ADD keeps me all over the place and without you, I’d be a giant clusterfuck!! Thank you and I love you! It’s going to be a great year!
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Isabelle… I hit the motherfucking jackpot with you! Even with your already overflowing plate, you find a way to be there whenever I need you. Whether I need a shoulder to cry on, a voice of reason, or someone to tell me I’m wrong, you’re my girl! I honestly have no idea what the hell I would do without you. Thank you so much for being my sounding board, my google, my biggest cheerleader. Thank you for the late night phone calls that I know take you away from your own project. You truly are one of the most amazing people I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.
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Lisa…. Holy shit! I’m so glad that I made the decision to work with you. I handed you a shitty manuscript and you sent it back to me with a note basically telling I needed to pull my head out of my ass and write some shit that was actually good past hot sex. You pushed and pushed and pushed some more even when I didn’t think there was anywhere left to go. You understood my ideas and my characters and helped me to make them even better. Guess what? You’re stuck with me for now. You’re the editor from hell in the very best way and I fucking love it!
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Leslie and Sandy… Thank you so much for being some kick-ass proof readers!! You girls rock and what you do for is greatly appreciated!! You both know how much I love to leave words out of my sentences! Mwah!
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Trish Mint… Thanking you so much for taking the time to help me with NYC geography!! You were a total lifesaver! Holla!!
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Bloggers and Readers…. Thank you for your support. Thank you for posting about my books. Thank you so much for taking a chance on a no-name author who you knew crap about! Thank you for joking with me, chatting with me, and hanging out at events with me. I met some really great people this year and I just want to say thank you! It’s because of you I’m putting out my fourth book!
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I’m so sorry if I forgot anyone, but please don’t think you’re unappreciated. My brain is a little fried right now. It’s midnight and all I can think about is the next journey I get to take on!!
XoXo
Kimberly
About the Author
By day, Kimberly is a full-time student as well stay at home mom with four beautiful, crazy children. At night she’s steaming hot novelist. She’s a Jersey girl at heart and that's where she currently calls home with her amazing husband and children.
Her debut release Inhibitions and the subsequent Uninhibited Series as well as the spin-off Apprehensive Duet both show her love of all things football. But not to worry, she'll still bring you plenty of steam!
When not writing she can be found curled up with a good book or watching her beloved New York Jets. Lover all things romance, including a little M/M action as well as the dark and twisted. She enjoys video chats with her best friends and always loves to hear from her fans on social media.
Connect with K.A Berg
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Books by KA Berg
The Uninhibited Series
Inhibitions
Unrestricted
Freed
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The Apprehensive Series
Fallacy
Irrefutable
Unpredictable
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