by Monica James
Pop appears to be thinking, tracking back to the past. “He hasn’t worked here for…well over nine months.”
The hair on the back of my neck stands on end. Nine months? “There must be some m-mistake.”
“No mistake,” he firmly states.
I’m trying not to be rude by acknowledging everything he’s saying, but a blaring siren is flashing red inside my head. What am I missing? Jude lied to me about where he worked. Why? My gut sinks.
“I don’t understand why he would lie.”
He rubs his chin, shaking his head. “I’m not sure. It’s unlike Jude. He’s worked here for years, but one day, he just didn’t show up. If you ask me, it’s got to do with Rose going missing. That cut him real deep. He never was the same. He looked at life differently after she left.”
I’m so sick of hearing her name. Why do they care when she clearly doesn’t?
I need to get to the bottom of this. “Thank you for your time. Sorry to have bothered you.”
“No bother. I’m sorry I wasn’t much help.” I turn around to leave but am stopped as I push open the door. “Oh, Miss? Jude is a good man. I don’t know why he lied to you, but I’d guess it was to protect you.” My throat closes over as I nod a thank you to Pop.
On the way home, I can’t stop thinking about what Pop said. Jude is protecting me, but protecting me from what? Thoughts are rolling around my head like loose marbles. All the pieces are in front of me, but I don’t know what the puzzle is to complete the final picture.
I don’t understand any of this.
I catalog every word spoken between us and every small confession he made. But I’m more confused today than I was yesterday or the day before. I now know his secrets. I just don’t understand why he didn’t tell me sooner. Rubbing over my chest, I sniff back my tears. I’m suddenly so angry. I feel like he played me for a fool.
Pulling into my drive, I switch off the engine and make my way to the front door. I’m exhausted both physically and mentally, and I feel like I could sleep for a week. Just as I walk up the steps, a familiar soothing consciousness cocoons me, and I know without looking who is standing behind me.
“Hi.”
Sighing, I close my eyes. “Hi.” I don’t bother turning around.
Now that he’s here, I can’t help but feel cheated somehow.
With my head bowed, I decide to lay my cards out on the table. I’ve got nothing to lose. “Why did you lie about where you work?”
The silence is heavy. “What? You’re checking up on me?”
Annoyance passes over me because if anyone has the right to be angry, it’s me. Spinning around, I narrow my eyes, ignoring how my insides are happy to see him. “No, I wasn’t checking up on you. I needed to see you. I needed you to explain to me why you didn’t tell me…who you are. You lied, Jude. You’ve lied to me over and over again.”
The look on his face haunts me. He’s silent for a moment, and I can see him measuring up what to say next. His reply is not one I was expecting. “Yes…I lied. And I’m sorry. But I did it…I’ve done all of this to protect you.” He spreads his arms out wide.
I’m enraged and confused. “How does that make any sense? How does any of this make any sense? You know how I figured out who you are?” He digs his hands into his pockets and shrugs. “It’s like you were inside my head.” I tap at my temple. “How is that even possible? Have I lost my mind? I still don’t know if I was dreaming, or what I was seeing was actually true. Do you know how scary that is? To be lost in what you think is a dream, but deep down, you know that it’s actually the truth.” Tears fill my eyes, tears I never wanted to cry. “Why were you so afraid to tell me you rescued me? Do you regret it? Was saving my life the wrong thing to do?”
His tongue sweeps along his bottom lip, leaving behind a wet glisten in its wake. When I glare at him, challenging him to answer me, he commands, “Get in my truck.”
“Excuse me?” I stand my ground, refusing to be intimidated. “We’re having a conversation, and I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what’s going on.”
He runs a hand through his hair. The tremble in his fingers tells me this is the beginning of the end. “I can’t tell you…” Just as I open my mouth to protest, he continues, “Because you won’t believe me. I need to show you.”
“Show me?” My voice is small.
He nods. “Yes, Victoria, I was going to tell you everything tonight, but I think we’re running out of time.” He takes a step forward, his eyes pleading. “Please, just trust me. I know you have every right not to, but please believe me when I tell you everything I did, I did for you.”
I don’t know why because God knows I shouldn’t, but I trust Jude. “Okay, fine. I’ll need to grab my coat.”
“You won’t need your coat,” he mysteriously states. I don’t bother arguing as I have a feeling I’ll need to conserve my energy.
“Lead the way.” I sweep my hand outward, indicating I need space. Jude doesn’t conceal his despair as he frowns, but he doesn’t say another word as he makes his way to the truck.
I’m thankful when he doesn’t open the door for me because I’ve reached my quota of his chivalry. I just need to know what’s going on. A loud exhalation leaves me when I shut the door. I survey him through the windshield as he walks around the car, looking like a broken man.
The engine roars to life a few moments later, and we’re on our way to god knows where. Honestly, I’m a little scared, and now that I’m in the truck, traveling along this shadowy, quiet road, my brain begins conjuring up possible scenarios of where we’re headed.
“So where are we going?”
He grips the steering wheel, his fingers turning a bright white. “To a place I should have taken you weeks ago.”
“Why didn’t you?”
His profound sigh fills the truck. “Because I wanted to avoid this.”
I know exactly what “this” means. It’s that stale, uncomfortable static between us that seems to outweigh all the good times we’ve shared.
We remain silent for the rest of the short car ride as I stare out the passenger window, wondering what happens next. Even though I’m afraid, I know this is the next step because somehow, I feel a kinship to Jude’s words—I do feel like we’re running out of time.
As we pull down a dirt road, Jude breaks the silence. “Will it make a difference when you find out the truth?”
He doesn’t need to clarify that he’s talking about my feelings for him. I stare out the window, unable to give him an answer. He parks the truck, switching off the engine with a weighty sigh. “You ready?”
Looking around at my surroundings, I cock a brow, completely confused. “What are we doing here?”
He doesn’t reply. “Let’s go.” As he jumps from the truck, he slips the hood over his head, lowering his face as he walks to a paved path.
What’s going on?
I quickly follow, and as he weaves through the winding paths, the shrubbery all perfectly groomed and manicured, I know he’s been here before—many times before. It’s cold, so cold my skin pricks with goose bumps. I rub my arms, but I can’t seem to get warm.
A hoot from an owl is a menacing warning that the path I’m on was the one I should have taken when this nightmare began. With Jude’s head hung low and his hands dug deep into his pockets, I can’t help but feel we’re on a death march. Our current surroundings certainly add to the macabre vibe.
I keep my eyes glued to Jude, who is a few feet ahead. He’s a man on a mission. We pass through luscious green, open grounds, and the stillness is really beautiful. But the tranquility conceals the fact this place is filled with loss, sadness, and pain. Jude finally stops at a site covered in wilted flowers.
I feel the need to mute my footsteps because the silence amplifies my every sound. Stopping a few feet away, I gasp when he turns around, blocking my view.
“W-what’s going on?” I know what I’m seeing, but I still don’t know why I’m here. How
is this meant to absolve Jude of his sins?
“It’s funny…” His deep, sad voice carries on the light wind. “I had this whole speech planned. But now that you’re here, it all feels like bullshit. It’s all excuses.” He runs his boot over the blades of grass and looks off into the distance.
I remain silent as I’ve run out of words.
“You’re right. I did save you the night you got shot. I’m your masked rescuer. But I think, deep down, you always knew.” His words are laced with mockery, and I don’t know why. “This entire time, I’ve tried to figure out why we met the way we did. It seems so cruel. Two strangers bonding over an act of violence. What was the point of it?”
I wrap my arms around myself, feeling a sudden chill.
“I know I’ve asked you this before, but I want you to think, real hard. What do you remember from the night you got shot?”
I rub my biceps as the frostiness is slowly beginning to invade every limb. “I-I told you what I remember.” Panic sets in. Why is he asking me this?
He shakes his head, angered by my reluctance to divulge more. “The answers are there, Tori. All you have to do is want to see them.”
“See what? You don’t think I’ve been trying to see the truth?” I’m hurt, angered that he thinks I’m doing this on purpose.
I know he’s hurting, too. I can hear it in his stiff voice. “You’ve only seen what you’ve wanted to see. This entire time…we both have.” The pieces of the puzzle are slowly joining together, piece by piece, but I still don’t know what it means.
Stepping forward, he brushes the fallen hair from my brow, his stormy eyes swimming in utter mourning—a grief so deep, a sob escapes me. “Jude, what’s going on?”
He removes the hood from his head and runs a hand through his snarled hair. “Victoria, the night you got shot, I…got shot, too.”
My heart begins to beat faster and faster. “What? No, that’s impossible.” I shake my head fiercely. What is he talking about?
“I’m sorry I didn’t…” He swallows, needing a moment to catch his breath. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”
I’m suddenly finding it harder to breathe. “I’m not following.”
Jude exhales as he raises his head to look up into the sky. “I wish we met minutes, seconds before we did because I would give anything to tell you in person that I…love you.”
“What?” I gasp, the words trapped in my throat. “I-I don’t understand.” He loves me? Why is his admission so bittersweet?
He finally meets my eyes, a tear streaming down his whiskered cheek. I know what he’s about to say even before he speaks. I shake my head, but a melancholy smile splays on his lips. This is the truth I was so desperate to know. “This—” He steps backward, raising his sweater, the moonlight betraying his grotesque secret “—is the real me. This is why I never told you the truth. How do you―” He pauses, closing his eyes for the briefest of seconds before reopening them slowly “How do you tell someone you…love…that you’re…dead?”
“W-what?” I blink, tears coating my lashes. “What? Dead? That’s not…that’s not p-possible. I-I d-don’t even k-know what to…no. No. It’s not t-true.” I can barely speak, words escaping me. “That’s not e-even f-funny.”
“It’s true, Tori. Think about it.” His words are as pained as mine.
I scan through everything, all the secrets, all the odd mishaps, and am suddenly kicked in the guts. “No.”
The world reels around me, and I drop to both knees, the earth beneath me too shaky to stay afloat. I cover my mouth to hold back the violent sickness festering within. This can’t be true. This is his secret. I’m not crazy after all? Or am I? His secret is that he’s…no, fucking no. I want to reach out and touch him, but I just can’t. I’m afraid once I move, all of this will be real.
The bleeding wound gorging on Jude’s life, his soul, his essence shreds a guttural scream from my throat. The gunshot wound marring his torso is the same one I tended to all those nights ago, but this wound isn’t a graze, it’s a wound that took someone’s life—Jude’s life.
He lowers his shirt and steps aside. He hands over the final piece to this puzzle, and that final piece is his gravestone.
How can he be so…calm? My body begins trembling, and I claw my fingers into the mud, needing an anchor before I sink in despair. “No! No! No!” I cry, spittle running down my chin. “You’re not dead! You’re not! This isn’t true. Please, god, no. None of this makes any sense.” I pound my fists into the ground, my eyes unable to read the inscription of who Jude was.
Angry tears well in his eyes. He looks away, wounded. “Do you think I want this to be our reality? Do you think I want to be buried in that grave?” He jabs at the tombstone violently. “This is just as much of a nightmare for me as it is for you.”
I pull at the blades of grass beneath my fingertips, tearing at the lawn in horror. “This is just a dream. This is just a dream,” I repeat over and over, a ringing knocking loudly against my skull, the air suddenly robbed from my lungs.
“This is real. I’m so sorry I couldn’t protect you this one final time.” I can’t hear this. His words are like gravel in my ears.
I refuse to believe this.
I can’t.
“You’re fucking insane!” I cry, thumping my fist into the ground. “I knew you were too good to be true. There is no way this is possible!”
Jude’s wounded stare says otherwise. “I know how crazy this sounds, shit you see in the movies, but this is our reality, Tori. It has been since we met.”
“No. Take me h-home.”
“I can’t, Tori, not until you know the rest. If you still don’t believe me, then I swear to you, I will take you home, and you’ll never have to see me again.”
The thought of that certainty is a sad one, but how can I believe this? This is the stuff nightmares are made of. Thinking back to the nightmares I’ve had, I come to realize that that’s what I’ve been living.
I’m sinking, and this time, there is no lifeline.
He drops to his knees in front of me, pressing me into his chest. I clutch onto him, desperate to feel that this…he is real. “If I could save you this heartache, I would, but as I once told you, I was drawn to you. I didn’t understand why, but now, I do.”
“Is this really happening?” My voice booms in my ears. I think I’ve slipped into denial, or shock—most likely both.
“Yes, it is. I know it’s hard to believe, but this is our world…for now. We’re stuck in a place between worlds.” For now? Is he planning on leaving? Leaving me?
I push out of his embrace. “If you don’t want to be with me, then just tell me. Don’t make up some god-awful l-lie.” I’m grasping at straws because as the seconds tick by, I know he’s telling me the truth.
“Lie?” He shakes his head angrily. “I’m buried six feet under, that gravestone marking where I lay because I want to break up with you? C’mon, Tori! That’s more ridiculous than the truth!”
“How can I believe this, Jude? You’re telling me you’re dead. What in the actual fuck am I supposed to think?” I would stand, but my legs have gone numb.
“I know that, but I’m trying to be honest with you. I would never lie to you, especially about this.” His words…they are filled with nothing but the truth.
Oh god. The world comes crashing down around me, and I wrap my arms around my middle. No, this can’t be happening. I can’t even process a world without Jude living in it. That world surely doesn’t exist.
I still can’t accept this. How can anyone take this in their stride? Words have obviously failed Jude because he cautiously reaches for my wrist, afraid I’ll recoil or tell him to stay away. I do neither, too dazed to do anything but watch in a comatose state as he lifts my hand and places it over his heart. The usual rhythmic step is suddenly out of sync. He presses harder, his face empty, pained.
I wait for the natural cadence, the one which denotes the life source flowing throug
h our veins, but I feel…nothing. There is no thumping, no hammering heart. What lies within Jude’s chest is no longer beating.
I cry, pulling from his embrace, and violently press my ear to his chest. I toss back my hair so we’re connected, flesh to flesh. But no matter how many seconds I wait or how many seconds I hold my breath, there is no sound of a beating heart. What was once thumping is now an empty vessel.
Ugly tears wrack my body, and I sob harder than I’ve ever sobbed before. I’m being wounded all over again, but this time, I don’t want to wake up. I fall into Jude’s chest, weeping. This is really true.
“No, please, no. Anything but this. You c-can’t be…d-dead.”
“I’m sorry, Victoria.”
But I’m the one who’s sorry—Jude is dead.
I sob for minutes, Jude consoling me the entire time. When I can see past my tears, I peer over his shoulder, focusing on a blackbird perched on a branch in a large oak tree. At this moment, I’m envious of that bird. I wish I could spread my wings and fly away from this nightmare. “You c-can’t just give up. I mean, you have to fight.” I’m still unable to look at him, so I continue gazing at the bird, his freedom giving me the strength to go on.
“Fight for what?” The surrender is clear in his tone.
Taking a deep breath, I collect whatever courage I have left and be the strength Jude needs me to be. This is too incredulous to believe, but I…believe him. “Fight for your life. I don’t know what is happening, but there’s got to be a reason I can see you, right?”
His silence slashes at my heart once again.
Breaking our embrace, I meet his torn eyes. “I’m tired of fighting a losing battle. I’m just sorry I dragged you into this. Your strength has made me live again—even if it’s on borrowed time.”
I can’t stop the tears. I want to be strong, but I can’t. The man I love is dead. I still cannot believe this reality is mine. “You should have told me.”
His warm breath caresses my skin like a lover’s touch, and it feels like coming home. “You knowing or not knowing doesn’t change the outcome. I’m dead, whether we like it or not. If I lied to you to save you from that reality, then so be it.”
