by Monica James
Looking over at my other self, I ask, “I’ve died, haven’t I?” He nods. “And you’ve saved me each and every time?”
“Yes.”
I remember Jude’s comment when he pulled me from the abyss after I thought I had spoken to Bryan. He said, “Oh, thank god, I thought you were dead.” I now know he meant that in the literal sense. “Why did you save me? If you didn’t, we could be…”
He hisses an aggrieved breath through his teeth. “No, it won’t end that way for you. You need to live. My fate isn’t yours.”
“Jude…” But he stubbornly clenches his jaw. I leave the matter to rest, not having the energy to fight.
We’re both silent, looking over myself. I wonder if I were to jump into my body, would I wake up? Is that how it works? Somehow, I don’t think it’s that simple.
The heart monitor and breathing apparatus, the machines which are keeping me alive, have me thinking about Jude’s comment and how I felt before stepping onto this plane—The Fade. I watch how the pump breathes air into my useless lungs. How the heart rate monitor scrutinizes if my vital signs are stable enough, or if I’m on the way out.
“I’m dying, aren’t I?” I felt like time was running out for me, and now I know why. “They want to pull the plug.”
Jude doesn’t have to reply because I know what his answer will be.
“The longer you stay here…with me…the further away you fade from the world we both know. The stronger our connection, the sicker you become. So you see my dilemma. By saving you in this world, I’m keeping you from the real world where you belong. By defying logic, we’re killing you.”
“And that’s why you didn’t bring me here sooner?” I finish for him.
He knows that once this is “over” with, we both lose. Alive or dead.
“Let’s get out of here.” A staleness infuses the room.
I nod, sadly looking at my other self, knowing that when I return, a decision will be made. We walk through the hallway, both our faces downturned, both plagued with a bottomless brokenness. I suddenly feel hot as the walls start closing in around me.
I need fresh air.
Unable to stomach these hospital walls any longer, I run toward the exit, needing to get outside before I throw up. The door handle doesn’t budge, regardless of the fact that I yank at it with all my might. My sweaty palms slip and slide over the brass while tears sting my eyes.
I’m seconds away from losing it, so when Jude pushes the door open for me, I run outside and gulp down three deep breaths of air. It still smells rancid, but better that than me passing out from lack of oxygen, not that that’s possible.
Looking around, I see that we’re back in the alley where this all started. I have no idea where I am. If I did, I would have hailed a cab and fled a situation which can only amount to trouble. My stomach roils, and I bend at the waist, bracing my hands on my thighs as I steady my breathing and galloping heart.
Jude’s heavy footsteps behind me reflect his guilt over bringing me here. Closing my eyes, I take one final calming breath and slowly rise. I’m afraid to face him. He has trusted me with his secrets, and I don’t know what to do.
“Here.”
Spinning slowly, I see Jude’s truck keys in the center of his cupped palm.
“What’s that?” I know what they are; I just don’t know what he wants me to do with them.
“They’re my keys. Drive yourself home, and I’ll catch a cab.” His snarled hair stands on end, his face mirroring nothing but misery.
“What? Why?”
He turns to the left, appearing like he can’t face me. “I’m sure you want to get as far away from me as possible.”
I don’t reply. This is a shock—a big shock. He’s right. I do want to flee and forget this night ever happened.
He reads my thoughts and steps forward, offering me the keys. I lunge for them without a second thought and snatch them from his outstretched hand. He doesn’t hide his disappointment as his shoulders drop, and he lowers his chin to his chest.
The sight tears something inside me, but I can’t stay here. After everything I just saw, I need to leave. However, with each step I take, I’m suddenly plagued with a kaleidoscope of emotions. I’m fearful, angry, sad, surprised, hurt, confused, but most of all, I’m torn.
Stopping in the middle of the road, I grasp with both my hands that I’m on the cusp of what’s right or wrong. Jude’s truck is feet away, and if I were to draw a line down the middle of the hood, this would display the decision I’m faced with.
To the right, I have freedom. I can jump into that truck, start the engine, and drive away, forgetting everything I saw, everything I felt. Or, to the left, I have acceptance—acceptance that fleeing will be the biggest mistake of my life.
Escaping Bridgeport and moving here wasn’t running away; it was taking control and refusing to be a slave to regrets. But fleeing now would be running away, and it would make my decision to start over be in vain.
There isn’t really a choice to be made because fate made it for me.
Without a second thought, I turn to the right, no longer filled with indecision. Once inside, I lean over the middle console and open the driver’s door. It’s symbolic, as I feel like I’m also opening a door to my heart.
I lounge back in my seat, curling myself into a ball, as I’m suddenly exhausted.
It’s minutes before Jude jumps into the truck, and I wordlessly hand him the keys. The engine roars to life, and we drive in dead silence. Twenty minutes in, my eyes begin to droop shut, as I’m too tired to even process everything I’ve just seen. Tomorrow is a brand-new day—one I plan on seizing.
On the brink of sleep, I’m still alert enough to feel myself being tucked against a soft, manly smelling garment. Remembering the feel of Jude pressed up against me, I know he’s cocooned me into his arms.
I know I shouldn’t, as my foggy brain is overwhelmed with emotions, but I whisper, “Jude?”
“Yes.” His voice is gruff, emotion filled.
Rubbing my cheek against the sweater, I press my nose into the cotton, inhaling deeply. “You asked if it would make a difference once I found out the truth.”
The silence is his reply.
And just like that, my uncertainties are no longer. “Well…it doesn’t. It should, but it doesn’t. It never did.”
The silence is almost deafening until I hear a whisper, a thump…thump…thump. I gasp, pressing my ear against his chest. “Your heart, it’s b-beating again?”
I want to move, to look into his eyes, but his tender words have me wishing we were one body. “My heart beats for you…only you. You breathe life into me, Tori. You always have.”
I wish I could say something that expresses how I feel, but all I do is hold on tighter, intent on never letting go.
I’m exhausted, but I know it’s all in my head. My body sleeps in a permanent slumber, but my mind defies all logic by even thinking this way.
Jude dropped me home after dropping the bombshell from hell. I cringe, suddenly hating to use that word. I’m not a religious person, but there is no denying some godly happenings are occurring around me.
I’ve come to realize that I’ve seen what I want to see. And so do the dead. Some know they’re dead, like Jude and Charley, while others, like Henry, Debra, and a laundry list of others, walk around like they’re still alive. Whether they just don’t want to accept their fate, or it’s just too farfetched to fathom, I don’t know. All I can think about is Bruce Willis’ character in The Sixth Sense. He’s walking around, doing everyday things like he’s still alive, not knowing he’s haunting that poor little child.
That boy’s dialogue is one I can now relate to because I’m living it. He said he sees dead people walking around like normal people. They see what they want to see. And they don’t know they’re dead.
I shiver because this is no Hollywood film.
The Fade is another name for limbo. In short, if that’s possible, Jude roams Eart
h because he didn’t “step into the light.” Jude is a ghost…and I’ve fallen in love with him.
I need a drink.
Jude is right. I do have to help Henry. He helped me, and one good deed incites another. If it weren’t for him and Jude, I would be standing on the end of the denial stick, too.
The question is, where do I start? How do you tell someone they’re dead?
“Hey.”
Looking up from my―Mrs. Anderson’s front porch, I see Charley guiltily standing by the bottom step with Jӓg nestled and purring loudly in her arms. Seeing her and Jӓg out here in the open, I can’t help but think how unfair life is.
“I found―”
I don’t allow her to finish. I pounce down the stairs and throw my arms around her breathing frame. Tears leak from my eyes as I whimper. “I’m sorry, Charley.” She begins to sob, realizing her ruse is up.
It’s still inconceivable how real she feels. How all of this feels. I can feel the breeze on my freshly washed skin, hear the rustle of the newly fallen leaves; I can smell the batter from the pancakes which pop and sizzle, and I can see Charley’s tears when she breaks our embrace.
She wipes them away, embarrassed. “So Jude told you?”
“Yes. He showed me. It seems my mind has fabricated situations to deal with my current predicament—being in a coma.” It sounds so farfetched, but it’s the truth.
Charley’s lower lip trembles. “Are you okay?” I shrug. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I just―”
But I wave off her apology. “You’ve got nothing to apologize for. I understand.”
She seems relieved. “What happens now?”
Jӓg purrs loudly as I scratch under his chin. “I don’t know. I know that the people I’ve spoken to, actually had a two-way conversation with are either dead or in a coma, except Angus. He’s special, but I always knew he was.” The thought of Angus hurts my heart. I know when I find out his story, I’ll be a mess once again. “Jude seems to think I’m here because I have a connection to him and Henry. Maybe we’re all connected because of what happened that night. I can’t go on living with myself knowing that two men died because of me without helping them.”
“Helping them means―”
“I know what it means,” I sadly interrupt.
Charley lowers Jӓg, who jumps on the small round garden table, waiting to be fed. Some things never change.
“Jude is right, Tori. We’re all here for a reason.” When she lowers her eyes, I know what’s about to come. “We all want to tie up loose ends before we hopefully end up in the big house in the sky.”
“Is that why you’re here?”
She meets my gaze, nodding. “I died two years after graduation. A brain aneurysm. Can you believe it? I was on my way to a Christmas party. One minute, I was feeling festive, ready to embrace the holidays with two hands, and then the next…well, the next I was watching my body being wheeled to the morgue.”
“Oh, Charley.” I cover my mouth, shaking my head. “I’m so sorry. That is awful. I can’t even imagine what you went through.”
“Thanks.” She smiles, but it’s somber. “That’s why I probably look the same way you remember me. I’ve been stuck here ever since. For the first few years, I was angry, so angry. I didn’t understand why this had to happen to me. My whole life was ahead of me, but now I was doomed to wear this red ball gown forever.” She pulls at the tulle.
I sniffle out a laugh, thankful for the comic relief.
She turns serious, her eyes focused in the distance. “Once people accept they’re dead and settle old scores, they go to the light. I’ve seen it. Everything we’ve read about the afterlife, it’s mostly true. If we’re lucky enough to be given a second chance, then there’s a reason for it.”
“What’s your reason?” I ask, afraid.
“I saw you come into the hospital. It nearly broke my heart. That’s how I knew about you.” She pauses before confessing, “I think my reason is…you and Jude.”
I gulp down my surprise. “Us?”
She nods, her ponytail bobbing with the momentum. “I was nineteen when I died. I never got to say goodbye. To anyone. Not my mom, my dad, my little brother, or you. I wasn’t lying when I said I thought of you. I did. Dying really brings forward your priorities.
“The way I’ve seen you and Jude interact, knowing what he is and what you are, I think I understand what true love is all about. It’s about sacrifice. I think I’m here to learn from that love and let go of regrets. My regrets have tied me to the past, and finally, I think I’m ready to move forward.”
I wipe away my tears, my chest jerking in uncontrollable sniffles. “I don’t want to say goodbye.”
“I don’t either,” she softly cries. “It’s not my time, not yet. But I can feel it. It’s coming. Soon.”
This is all too much. I slump into the chair. Cradling my head in my palms, I’m overwhelmed with what I should do. Can Jude feel his end, too? I can’t even stomach that thought without getting sick.
“Charley, if I stay here, I die. I never see my mother, father, sister…I never breathe again. But if I choose to live, I lose Jude. I’ve made this world my home, but I can’t help but feel I’m defying the gods by being here. I had to die to find out who I want to be and who I want to be with. It just seems so unfair.” Charley’s warmth sheathes me tightly in comfort.
“My boyfriend and best friend are ghosts, and me, I can see dead people. And animals apparently.” Jӓg purrs on cue.
I hate to quote a movie, but it’s the truth. “It seems I’m not alive, nor am I dead. I’m stuck in a coma where I’m suspended between life and death. My body is physically in that hospital bed, unable to wake, but my spirit has never been more alive. How messed up is that?”
I hate that I’m so feeble, considering I’m one of the lucky ones and still have the option of choosing which path I want to take. Jude, Charley, Henry, and millions of others don’t have the luxury of deciding.
A warmth skips through my center, alerting me that only one person is standing feet away. Charley kisses my head, leaving me alone with Jude. It takes me a while before I feel confident enough to face him without bursting into tears.
“Hey.” I try my best to smile. “How’re you holding up?” My smile suddenly trembles.
I’m trying my hardest to be strong, but seeing him breaks me. I want to give him my life, or at least a part of it so we both can live. But I know it doesn’t work that way. Ultimately, I will have to make a decision.
Jude offers me his hand. “Take a walk with me?” He doesn’t have to ask because I’ll go anywhere with him. The familiar charge warms my belly when we connect, highlighting how unfair things are.
We walk in silence. There seems to be a lot of silences between us of late. I can’t stand it. I need to fill the void.
“So I figured out why my pupils were so well behaved. It appears I’ve been teaching an imaginary class.” I’m trying to lighten the mood, but it only makes me feel worse. Thinking hard, pulling back the layers, I see that I’m standing in an empty classroom. I thought I was teaching a room full of students, but it was all in my head. I saw what I wanted to see.
“Tori, I’m sorry. I know this is hard for you.”
He leads me to the dock’s edge, pulling me onto his lap when he sits. We look out into the quietness, only wishing this is what our future holds. “What happens now?”
“Only you can decide that.” He kisses the side of my neck. “I should have told you from the first moment we met, but I was selfish. I still am.”
“You may think you’re selfish, but you’re selfless. You helped me when I didn’t even know I needed help. You saved me, Jude. You’ve saved me time and time again.”
“I’m flattered you think that way, but I can’t let this go on.” Every hair on my body stands on end. I attempt to turn around, but Jude embraces me tighter. “I can’t stand to see you in pain. I’d do anything to take that away, and I think I can.”
“No,” I cry, attempting to wiggle free. I need to see him, need to make sure he’s still here.
But he continues. “I’m holding your heart hostage, and I’m tearing us into two. I have to let you go. I knew it would come to this, but nothing could prepare me for how empty I feel.”
I struggle, thankful when he releases me. Spinning, I brace both shaky palms to his cheeks. “No, you don’t get to decide that for me.”
“Let me help you.”
“Help me how?” I’m almost afraid to ask.
“To wake.”
“No!” I violently shake my head in protest. “If I wake up, I never see you again. What kind of a future is that? I may be alive, but without you, it means nothing.”
His stormy eyes sink, just like my heart. “I can’t watch you do this to yourself. It’s tearing me apart.” He places a fist over his chest, squeezing tight. “I will try with Henry to get it through his thick skull. I shouldn’t expect you to stay. You have a life; you had a life before me. Maybe you could try again with Bryan?”
His depraved suggestion has me almost gagging on the thought. Before he can speak another word, I place my finger over his wavering lips. “I will make Henry see the truth. I owe him that. As for me getting back together with Bryan…” I scrunch up my nose. “That will not happen in this or any other lifetime. I love you, Jude, and yes, our love may not be conventional, but everything happens for a reason. You’re my future, my destiny, and we will work this out together.”
I sag in relief when he nods. “If this ever gets too hard, or your life is in danger, we end it. Promise me?” I turn away, unable to stomach the thought. “Promise me, Victoria.”
His resolve is clear. “I promise,” I finally reply.
“Good.” Without warning, he fiercely secures my face in his large hands and smashes our lips together.
I’m in the midst of tearing off his T-shirt when he suddenly freezes, a chuckle following soon after. “I hope you’re not laughing at my attempts to seduce you,” I mumble against his incredible tasting lips.
