by Monica James
Jude pushes off the wall. “You let go of this life and accept the next.”
“I have let go.”
“There is something holding you back,” Jude explains, coming to rest at my side. His warmth calms my nerves.
“I’ve said my goodbyes.” Henry looks completely perplexed.
Jude wraps his arm around me, drawing me into his side. “No, you haven’t.”
“I…” His mouth falls open. “It’s Rose?” His question can be perceived as a statement also.
Jude nods slowly.
Henry’s face turns sallow. “But she’s my baby.”
“No one is asking you to forget her. No one can take away your memories.” The pain in Jude’s voice reveals he’s done the same.
“But I…I need to know where she…” Henry suddenly pauses, peering over my head, astounded.
I don’t know what’s transfixed him so, but I don’t bother turning around because this expedition isn’t mine to see. His pupils dart from left to right; he’s chasing something. He’s being subjected to a manifestation that is meant for his eyes only.
I lean into Jude’s side, suddenly feeling drained. He kisses the top of my head. “What’s happening?” I whisper. Jude’s response is hugging me tight which leaves me nervous.
Henry snaps from his trance, stumbling backward as he gasps for breath. “That motherfucker shot me.” He rubs over his stomach. Jude nods, never breaking our embrace. It appears Henry now knows the truth. “He shot you, too. And you.” He looks at me sadly.
The only word that echoes over and over in my head is acceptance.
“My obsession with finding Rose finally killed me. The ironic thing is, I still don’t know where she is,” Henry says, pulling at the collar of his shirt as if it’s suddenly strangling him.
“She’s meant to stay lost, Henry. That’s just the way things are.” It’s an awful reality, but Jude is right.
Henry nods slowly. “Why did you tell me he knew where Rose was? You didn’t have to do that. You could have died taking that secret to your grave.”
Jude snickers playfully because that comment is such an oxymoron. “You didn’t have to call in my location or Victoria’s. You could have left us for dead. I suppose death puts everything into perspective. It separates the saints from the sinners. Why did you turn left, instead of right? Why did you follow me? The answer is everything is mapped out for us from the moment we were born. If I didn’t tell you, you’d probably still be alive, but you’d be living an existence which wasn’t your own. This was supposed to happen. It was in our destinies.” I bite my lip, hating we all couldn’t be saved. “It’s because of you Tori is alive. I can’t ever thank you enough for that.”
For the first time, I don’t see disgust when Henry marvels at me enfolded in Jude’s arms. “So it appears we don’t hate one another after all.”
Jude scoffs teasingly. “I wouldn’t get too carried away.”
Henry smirks, before turning serious. “I was a terrible father-in-law. You’re right. Rose did…leave us behind. I blamed you, but in reality, she was at fault all along. I’m sorry…kid.” I can see how hard that confession was for Henry to make.
Jude’s body goes slack. I feel the weight lift from his shoulders. “I’m sorry, too.”
The moment those words leave Jude’s lips, Henry tilts his head to the side and listens closely. I unfold myself from Jude’s embrace, watching with wide eyes. He turns in a slow circle, gasping at whatever he sees. All I see is wallpaper.
The room becomes terrifyingly still. I can see the dust particles travel along the ray of light emanating from the lamp. I can feel something otherworldly. My skin pricks.
“I’ll be damned.” Henry’s footsteps are heavy as he trudges slowly, turning to look at Jillian one last time. With a bittersweet smile, he says, “Goodbye, Jill, or as someone wise once said…good night.”
His words ring on the evening breeze, but one moment he’s there, and the next, in a blink of an eye…he’s simply not. It’s that easy? A sadness defeats me. This is how it ends?
“All of this is possible because of you,” Jude says.
“I’m just one person,” I whisper, not seeing the brilliance everyone else seems to appreciate in me.
“One person who can change the world,” he soulfully reveals.
After a few significant moments, I think I understand what he means. Everything comes down to Jude and me, and the night we met.
I suddenly feel the need to sit down.
Jude catches me as I almost crumple to the ground. “Hey?”
“I’m fine,” I lie, gripping his bicep tightly to stop the room from spinning. “Just lightheaded.” He doesn’t look convinced as he leads me to an oversized armchair in the corner of the room. As I catch my breath, I smooth out the worry lines etched on his brow.
Jillian stirs, thankfully diverting the attention from me. With a yelp, she shoots up, her eyes darting from left to right. Brushing the hair from her brow, I’ve never seen her eyes look clearer. When she turns and peers at the bottles of pills on her bedside table, she frowns. Does she remember? Standing, she collects the bottles and marches into the en suite, where she tosses them into the wastebasket.
My mouth pops open. I’ve never seen this side of Jillian, but I like it.
With hands braced on either side of the basin, she looks into the mirror, really looks at her fatigued reflection. I think this may be the first time she’s seen herself in months. She splashes water onto her cheeks and straightens out her hair. She finally looks happy—no longer plagued by the ghosts of the past.
My stomach turns, and I break out into a cold sweat. But I’m determined to see how this pans out.
Her bare feet pad softly along the floor as she reaches for the cell off the dresser. Jude exhales deeply. We’re both engrossed in what’s transpiring before our eyes.
“Hi, Grace, it’s Jillian.”
I tilt my chin to look up at Jude, who is standing behind me. He seems…relieved.
“Yes, I know. It has been a long time.” She pauses, appearing nervous at what she’s about to say. “I’m sorry to call so late, but would it be okay if I said good night to Angus?”
I gasp. Did her subconscious hear us? Jude places a hand on my shoulder. “She knows he isn’t deaf?”
“Yes. She knew the entire time. She’s the only one who accepted him for him. She was also the one who opened Henry’s eyes. I know he loved Angus, loved him in his own way. And it’s because of that love I gave him a second chance.”
“Thank you,” Jillian says, drawing us back to the now. “Oh, Grace? Maybe one day you and Angus could come over for lunch. Or breakfast. Or dinner. Whatever suits you best?” A genuine smile lights up her face. “I’d like that, too.”
She waits a moment, running her fingertip over a frame that holds Henry’s picture. She looks lovingly at it, rather than mournful. So this is what letting go, closure looks like.
“Hello, little monkey.” I blink back my tears. “Grandma just wanted to say good night.” There is a long delay before she confesses, “I know I haven’t been a very good grandma, and I’m sorry. But if you’ll let me, I’d like to make it up to you. I love you so much. Good night.”
She waits for Grace to come back on the line. A few seconds pass before she covers her mouth, tears stinging her eyes. “Tell him yes, Grandpa is now protecting the people in the sky.”
Jillian hangs up, hanging onto the cell for minutes after. When her gaze flutters to the photo of Henry once more, I see acceptance—acceptance that it’s her turn to live. “Good night, Henry.” She walks into the bathroom a new woman. It feels good to know I helped. The moment the door closes, though, I’m suddenly hit with excruciating pain. I slump forward, a pained scream ripping from my throat. The sound only amplifies the pain.
“Tori?” Jude darts around the chair, dropping to his knees in front of me. He places his hand on my thigh, which fosters the pain. Everything inside my head is
blaring, echoing off the walls. I’m certain someone is wielding a pickax and is digging away at my soul.
I press my palms over my ears, needing to shut out the noise. Something solid gets wrenched from my throat, and I gag. Coughing madly, I look up at Jude and wipe away my tears. “What’s happening to me?”
“You’re pulling toward reality,” he reveals. “The weaker you get here…the stronger you are in the real world. The moment someone you touched makes their peace, a piece of you goes with them.”
“No.” I shake my head. “That’s not fair. I don’t have a choice?”
“I’ll take you home.” He doesn’t need to reply. We both know the answer. I don’t bother arguing and allow him to help me up.
Taking one final look at the floral papered walls, I appreciate that although I’m breaking, I’m happy my loss has helped someone gain their life back.
Butterflies adapt and make it through incredible obstacles.
The Fourth Stage: Adult Butterfly
We walk to my house in silence. There seems to be a lot of that lately. I have no idea where Jude’s truck ended up―not that it matters because it’s not really there. There is no truck, and my house isn’t even my home. None of this is real, except this stabbing pain eating away at my heart and mind.
Jude never lets me go, and for that, I’m thankful, as I doubt I’d be able to hold myself up.
Jude is right. I’m losing this battle. Each breath I take is harder than the one I took before it, but I won’t give up. Not yet.
As we walk down my driveway, Jude kisses the top of my head. His touches linger; he’s savoring whatever time we have left together. The thought breaks my heart into a million irreparable pieces.
“Did you want anything to eat? I can grab you something from the store.”
His kindheartedness hurts me even more. Sniffing back my tears, I breathlessly tease, “You o-owe me a date, mister.” We stop walking. I’m thankful to take a breather.
Jude sighs, holding me out at arm’s length. “Victoria…”
But I shake my head. “You’re not getting out of it that easily. Just because we witnessed some batshit crazy things doesn’t mean you’re off the hook.” I poke him in the chest playfully.
His lips twitch. It’s nice to see him smile. “Are you sure?”
Stepping toward him, I nod. “Yes. I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life. What time should I come over?”
“I can come get you,” he offers.
I swallow past the lump in my throat. “I’d like to see Angus…if that’s okay.” I leave the inevitable lingering.
He looks like I’ve just clubbed a baby seal to death. “Of course. Come over around twelve. That’ll give us plenty of time to…watch the sun rise.”
What he really means is watch me die. “Will Angus be awake?”
He sweeps a strand of hair from my brow. “He will be when you arrive.”
I melt into his touch. “I’ll see you at twelve.”
“Okay.” Licking his full lips, he bends down and seals his mouth over mine.
Desperation and longing are the driving force behind this kiss. I hate myself for doing so, but I memorize the shape of his lips, the curve of his body, and the vibrancy of his flesh. These small keepsakes will help me remember when things turn gray, and I need help recollecting. When he matches my despair, I know he’s doing the same. We will both revert to these memories when that’s all we have left—the only mementos that will get us through.
He tugs my bottom lip before pulling away slowly, and a whimper escapes me. “I’ll see you soon.” His voice is heavy, coated with so many layers of emotion. I nod, too afraid to speak.
I watch as he walks away.
When I can no longer see him, I amble to the front stairs, not even bothering to search for my keys, as I can’t stomach this façade any longer. The moment I step foot inside, the interior flashes from what I see to what’s really there. Dark is replaced with white, old submerged with new. My wounded mind concocted this reality, knowing life as I know it was just too painful to front.
My boots sound against the floorboards as I take in my surroundings because I’ll miss this place. The place, which was my sanctuary, and the place I called home.
I skim my finger over the top of the regal chair, just as I did with the piece of furniture that started this chapter. These things may not physically be here, but they are in my mind, and that’s good enough for me. They provided me comfort and made me feel human. For a small moment in time, this was mine. But I know in a few small hours, nothing will be the same.
“Can I help you get ready for your date?”
Tears well in my eyes when I see Charley holding Jӓg. She’s dressed in her red ball gown, the sight binding what I know to be true.
“I’d love that. Thank you.”
We walk up the stairs, the air heavy with emotion. But I won’t allow my last moments with her to be tainted with tears.
She moves around the bedroom with ease, positioning me on the end of the bed and placing Jӓg in my lap. He purrs loudly when I pat him, turning in a circle before settling into my warmth.
I watch as Charley opens the closet, hunting through the garments to find the perfect date outfit. “What about this?” she suggests, holding up a royal blue summer dress.
I’d forgotten I owned this outfit. It’s casual but still dressy enough for a first date.
I strip off, allowing Charley to fuss because we both need this normalcy. As she sits me in front of the mirror and begins brushing my hair, one could forget our dire situation. But when her reflection reveals a tear trickling from her eye, there is no luxury of forgetting what’s bound to come.
“You look so beautiful,” she whispers, arranging my tresses of hair into a messy bun. “I finally figured out why I’ve been here for so many years.”
I can’t speak. I can only watch her through the mirror.
“I’m here because I just wanted to be a girl. I never had a chance to do trivial stuff like this. I never had a chance to live. But coming here and seeing you and Jude, I know there is more to life…whatever life you live. I may be…dead…but there’s something more out there. You being here proves that.”
I bite my bottom lip, blinking past my tears.
“I was scared, Tori, so scared of what was on the other side, but now, I’m not frightened anymore.” Her shoulders shudder, but she appears calm. “I’m here to let go. Let go of what could have been. And it’s because of you that I’ve finally found where I belong. I know I’ll find my path. Wherever it may take me, I’m ready to go.”
A sob echoes in my chest. “This is goodbye, isn’t it?”
Charley looks ethereal as she peacefully pins the final piece of hair in place. “No.” She smiles. “It’s just the beginning.”
She touches my shoulders, her reflection a portrait of faith and acceptance. “You’re ready.”
When the air shifts, just as it did with Henry, I know what’s to come. Standing, I turn to face my best friend and reach for her hand. “So are you.”
Motionlessness carries a certain beauty to it; an opportunity to inhale the world around you and simply be. If I could take back my life, would I? Would I give up the chance of living a life so extraordinary? When Charley’s lips part and a small breath escapes, I know the answer is no. It’s through suffering that I have come to love the person I am. I make a difference.
“I’m glad I’m wearing my Sunday best,” she says, astonished, her eyes widening when she peers over my head.
Leaving her to gaze into the future, I make my way over to the bed where Jӓg still sits. I never knew what happened to him. One day, he simply didn’t come home. Regardless of my efforts to find him, he remained lost. It hurt so much to lose him, but seeing him this one final time is like I’ve been given a second chance to say goodbye.
Picking him up, I rub my cheek against his fur, finding comfort in his heavy purring. “Be happy, little buddy. I’ll alw
ays remember you.” He nudges my chin with his head.
Charley waits, allowing me the time I need. “Take good care of him.” I hold back my tears as I gently pass him over to her. He goes willingly, appearing to have found his home.
How do you say goodbye to someone you love? You don’t. Sniffing back my tears, I wrap my arms around them. “Good night, Charley.” Charley sniffles before bursting into a quiet sob. Charley thought I was here for her, but little does she know, she was here for me.
We stand for minutes hugging, needing this final moment to reinforce this reality as being real. As we both weep, a thought scratches at the surface, one that has been there all along. I know what path I’ve chosen; my mind was made up nights ago. I, like Charley, was also scared, but now, things have never looked clearer. I’m prepared, ready to accept my decision, and I’ll be damned if I don’t at least try.
Charley breaks our embrace, her mascara running black rivers of sorrow down her cheeks. She takes a deep breath, brushing away her tears. “I know you won’t give up.”
“How do you know?” She’s right…Of course, she’s right.
She begins walking toward her destiny. When she’s feet away, she turns over her shoulder, stroking Jӓg tenderly with a tranquil smile. There is an unearthly glow around them. They both look like…angels. Charley’s angels. A tear streaks down my cheek. It’s a sight I’ll never forget. “Because love doesn’t give up on you.”
Those parting words are our final goodbye.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I take three deep breaths knowing that when I view the world again, I’ll be standing in it alone.
Turning around with my eyes sealed shut, I feel a wave of sickness choke me. I know what’s happening. Like Jude revealed, I’m slowly dying, fading from this world, which means I’m alive in the real world. All my anchors in this reality are no longer here except for him. There is no reason for me to stay but him, but he’s the only reason that matters.
I’m the person in charge of my destiny, and I’ll be damned if I don’t go down fighting.
