by Monica James
He ignores my demands.
As an orange hue breaks the horizon, hot, angry tears stab at my eyes. How could I have been so blind? “You lied to me.” He was never going to stay. He made the choice for me.
“You lied to me, too.” Jude knew all along what I had planned. I was not prepared to accept any other future than one with him in it. Even if I was pulled to go, I was always going to stay. He knew I was not going to wake up.
“No!” I shout, fighting him like a caged dog, wiggling and bucking wildly. “We don’t even know what will happen. Don’t go. No.” His grip is firm, and I’m suddenly so fragile. The darkness begins to ebb away. “No!” I scream a guttural cry. “Let me go. Please, Jude, let me go.”
“I am letting you go. I knew you wouldn’t leave, so I’ve made the choice for you. I have to let go of the one thing keeping me here. You. I don’t belong here anymore. But you do. You always did. If I go, there’s no reason for you to stay.”
I can’t breathe. My lungs are starved for air. I continue fighting, however. I will do so with my last breath. I push back, but he’s so damn strong, and me, I’m suddenly so weak. “Jude…no, please. Don’t do this.” I cry, choking on my paralyzing pain. “Going means you don’t exist. Wait for me.”
He kisses my temple once again, while placing a hand over my heart. “I’ll always be in here. Whether you remember me or not, it doesn’t matter. I can die knowing I was someone’s reason to live. And you can live knowing you were loved. That you were the reason I found hope again.”
“No! No!” A surge of adrenaline swiftly shoots through my veins, and I buck backward, throwing him off balance. He tumbles to the side, his hold loosening as he grunts. I will fight to the bitter end.
I find my footing and jump up, ready to fight him—fight for him to stay. He stands facing me, a look of defeat marring his soul.
“D-don’t l-leave me. Please.” I sob, dropping to both knees, interlacing my hands.
His stormy blue eyes are lucid as he looks into the skies. He knows it’s time. Dropping to his knees in front of me, he caresses my cheek. “I have to. There are so many reasons we met. Why the stars were aligned that fateful evening. You’ve helped me let go and love again. To let go of regret and accept.” He lowers his hands and rubs over my tattoo.
Flashes of red and orange begin to spark across the skies. “Stay with me. Stay with me,” I repeat, torrents of tears drowning every pulse thrumming throughout my body.
Jude remains poised while I’m seconds away from falling into a black abyss with no safety net. “I can’t, butterfly. It’s your turn to fly. I can’t let you end your life. You’d sacrifice your life for me but…I’m already dead. I’m not even here.”
The moment he says those words, his warmth, his presence begins to grow fainter. He’s leaving me.
“The most important reason I’m here…” His voice echoes. “I’m here to help you cross over and accept that you’re alive.”
A sob so deep and raw cuts through the air; the heavens are charged with a burning electricity. The atmosphere pops around me as I reach out, and my hand passes through Jude’s cheek. He’s fading. “I don’t care what world this is. It’s real. This pain is real. If I’m not supposed to be here, then why does the thought of leaving you kill me inside?” I wrap my hands around my middle, weeping hysterically.
He frowns and lowers his eyes, but as each second passes, his shape flickers in and out, like a TV searching for a signal.
Lightning flashes across the sky as the heavens split open, spewing out deafening, thunderous rain. Raindrops splatter against my cheeks, merging with my salty tears. The drops are heavy and sizeable; I automatically think they’re tears of every angel watching this tragedy unfold. “You said you’d never say goodbye!” I struggle to hold onto him, to grip him by the shoulders and yank him from fading because I can’t feel him anymore.
He smiles, but it’s bittersweet. “It’s not goodbye, Tori…it’s good night. I love you. For eternity. Live, Tori. Live…for…me.” A burst of orange lights up the sky, the stars on the cusp of slumber. “Promise me, please watch over Angus.”
Jude is no longer solid. He’s walking toward the light. He watches me with tears in his eyes, surrendering to our predestined fate. He raises his chin and spreads his arms out wide. He’s accepting his destiny without giving me a choice. But we both knew it would always come to this. There was never a way we could both subsist without sacrifice.
Still on my knees, I desperately attempt to grab him, but my fingers swipe through air. “No! Please, God, no! Stay with me. Please don’t leave me. Jude!” My sobs are now soundless tremors convulsing through my body.
The downpour continues to pound down around me as the sun rises and the shadows are overcome by light. Daylight passes through Jude, turning my dress a crimson red. He smiles and extends his hand. I now understand why Jude couldn’t watch me die. This feeling is one I cannot…will not accept.
Acceptance. I accept that this is why I was brought here all along. This is my final destination, and I’m ready to descend.
“Are you sure, Mrs. Armstrong?” a voice booms down from the sky, deafening me. I scream, covering my ears.
But the relentless voices won’t stop. “Yes, Victoria would want it this way.”
The beeping of machines are like a hammer striking steel…over and over again. It pierces my temple. I buckle, sagging forward, but I plant my hands firmly into the slick mud.
Jude’s eyes widen, and he speaks, but I can’t hear the words coming from his mouth. He’s flashing in wordless animation.
“Vitals are good. Turning off life support.” The clamor gets louder and louder. I can barely breathe. The rain showers me, hammering against my flesh, and I’m drowning.
A paralyzing stabbing evades every fiber of my body. I know that I’m dying. With nothing for me here, I’m being pulled to the real world. But I fight it. There’s nothing for me there.
Clenching my teeth and clawing until my fingernails split into the dirt, I fight with every ounce of strength I have left. Jude, who is now just a glow, shakes his head, pain slicing across his face. I can’t hear him, but it’s evident when a scream rips from his horrified mouth. He’s begging me to go, but this is my life, and it’s my choice whether I live or die.
With that thought in mind, I evoke all the emotions that Jude awakened in me and focus on where I want to be. I remember the first time we met, how we had an inexplicable connection from the moment I laid eyes on him. I remember the first time we kissed. That kiss had never felt more real. I go on to recall every single moment Jude made me feel more alive than anyone has in my entire existence.
“Victoria, no!”
I can suddenly hear Jude. It’s distant, but he’s here. My memories are bringing him back to life—to the life we both know. Jude may have thought this was our destiny, but fuck fate—I’m the commander of my own vessel. I recall his hands, mouth, body on me, in me…how he brought me back to life. And now, it’s my turn to return the favor.
I collapse onto my stomach, stars flashing as the world spins and spins like a merry-go-round in fast-forward. I smell antiseptic, my sister’s perfume. But I push those scents aside and concentrate on him.
“No!” Jude’s voice is louder. I smile, my cheek pressed into the dirt.
My arms are without sensation, but I will my hand to move and grip the medallion digging into my heart. This final piece is my anchor. With one hand clutching it so tightly, I begin to bleed. I reach the other out blindly in front of me, hoping he’ll reach out and meet me halfway. I know he won’t let me go. Regardless of what he thinks is right and wrong, he won’t leave me. He thought leaving would make the decision easy for me, but he’s wrong. I don’t belong there. Not anymore.
I wait for breathless seconds, unsure if this will work. But moments later, his fingers envelop mine. I’m shot with agonizing pain and light converges with black. The raindrops form a puddle around me as I sink into the g
round.
I’m left gasping for breath, my fingers clawing at the mud, the thickness alive under my hands. Lying on my side, I look into the heavens and hum when I see that it’s dark. Lifting my weary body, I’m certain every bone is broken, but the pain is worth every punishing blow when I see where I am.
I’m home.
The dock is feet away. I remember many moons ago thinking about what’ll happen when I swim to the other side. Now I know. It’s the difference between life and death.
“She’s preventing herself from waking up.”
“Why?” A hysterical scream bounces through the air. “Why would she do that?” My mother sobs.
I begin to claw my way toward the dock, appreciating the finesse of a snake as it makes its way home. My name is being shouted over and over again. The caller is Jude. Somehow, I dragged him into my reality, but the question is, are we reborn?
When my sister’s, Bryan’s, my parents’ voices come crashing down from the thundering, torrential sky, I know the answer is no. I’m still caught between two worlds.
“Victoria! Stop!” This voice is Jude’s.
Usually, I would, but I know what he wants. He wants me to stop fighting. He knows there is still time for me to live.
Hell to the fuck no.
I crawl faster and faster, wincing when I drag my lifeless body along the wooden dock and toward the water’s edge. I’m paralyzed from the waist down, but my upper body strength from the daily swims is all the vigor I need.
An animalistic impulse controls me, and in seconds, I’m peering over the edge, my frenzied features mirrored in the tranquil, crystal water. Water is a conduit to all worlds. Its importance is imperative to every human being. Without it, we die. But with it…we can be baptized. We can be reborn.
Jude’s pounding steps vibrate off the dock; I know he’s going to stop me. With that thought in mind, I close my eyes and choose…life. The water is like tiny needles pricking my skin as I hit the surface. My natural instinct is to swim, but I compel my body to relax and allow the darkness to drag me under.
“We’re losing her!”
A thousand track runners are using my heart as a trail, all shoving and kicking as they race to the finish line, stretching the walls until I’m certain it’ll explode from my chest. My lungs begin to fill with water, air escaping me as I descend further and further.
I can feel Jude the moment he breaks the water’s surface. It’s like I’m caught in a tsunami.
His pleas only encourage me to sink farther as I tuck myself into a ball and visualize that I weigh ten thousand pounds. I submerge deeper and deeper, the freezing temperature shutting down my organs as I begin to die.
“C’mon, Tori! Breathe.” I barely remember this voice as Bryan’s. My mind is furling in on itself.
I’m drowning, being sucked into a hollow black abyss, but I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I accept that. I accept that this is my time. I was never meant to wake. This is my home.
With that as my final thought, I seal my lips shut and pinch my nose. Jude is begging me to swim, but I’m tired, so tired. I’ll never get to the other side without him. But that was the final piece. I always wondered what would happen when I got to the other side, but this, right here, split right down the middle, this is my other side. A compromise.
“Tori, go. Be free.” It’s the last voice I ever expected to hear. The voice of my sister is filled with nothing but sincerity. She understands I don’t belong there any longer. I’ve found my peace. I’ve found my forever.
Sobs sound around me as my heart begins to slow. My starving lungs fill with water, and I take my final breath. It’s peaceful. I no longer hurt. This is my world. This is my calm within the chaos, and it’s beautiful.
“I’m sorry, we did all we could. She’s…gone.” I’m dead, really dead. The shackles on my heart break free.
This time, there was no one to save me but me, and I did.
Jude screams out for me, but I can’t move. Fear overtakes me. What’s happening? I’m no longer stuck between two worlds. I’ve chosen where I want to be, so why can’t I move?
My legs feel like they’re caught in quicksand, and my arms are a mountain of jelly. “Jude!” I call out, but he’s suddenly not there.
I’m alone, suspended in blackness, hooked by invisible talons. I try to calm my heart, but I realize it’s not beating, nor am I breathing. Fighting against an invisible threat, I struggle and writhe, desperate to disengage from the shadows and find my light.
A thought knocks me backward. Maybe there is no light? No, that’s not possible. All of this was not for nothing. “Jude!” I bellow, but everything is so dark.
I grip onto the only light I have in this darkness. The moment I secure my fist around Jude’s necklace, I catapult through the water, the shadows soon becoming a bright white. Visions flick so quickly before my eyes, and I can’t keep up.
I will myself to focus, and when I do, I see that the movie playing before me is my life. It’s from the day I was born, amalgamating into important events in my life—the events which shaped me into who I am today.
My life flashes forward so quickly, I can’t keep up, but small snippets sink in. I see Matilda, my mom, dad, Bryan, and how important they were to me. I laughed, cried, smiled, just like everybody else who existed around me. I lived a happy life. But the moment it flicks over to the night of my twenty-seventh birthday, it slows down and pauses, the noises decelerating to a sluggish speed, which is impossible, seeing as I’m still flying.
The moment Bryan drops to one knee, the person with my life remote control pushes the pause button. The still image hurts my eyes. I try to squeeze them shut, but I can’t. I’m being shown this for a reason. An unbearable stabbing punches at my chest, and I gasp for air. Lights flood around me, and I get spat out of this nightmare, landing face first.
I’m almost too afraid to open my eyes. Sounds, sights, smells, they are all too familiar, but I can’t pinpoint why.
The moment I hear Jude scream, I forget everything. Nothing else matters but finding him. Is he hurt? The light abruptly gets turned off. My pupils adjust to the natural hue, but I suddenly wish I was blind.
I’m bowled over when I see where I am.
No. This can’t be.
“Hold up, I have to tie my laces.”
I blink, attempting to take in where I am. Everything looks and feels the same, but in some ways, it doesn’t. The street I stand on is poorly lit, shrouding it from full view. Snapping my head from left to right, I see we’re alone.
“Turn around, would you? I can’t do this with you looking at me.” His voice has me gasping as I’m certain I’ve heard this phrase before.
As I attempt to process where I am, an acute pain penetrates my temple. It’s so sharp it robs me of my breath. I press the heel of my hand against my brow, hoping the pressure will help alleviate the darkness.
I know where I am, but how did I get here? And why do I feel like I’ve been in this exact same spot before?
“Tori, please, just this one time, can you do what you’re told?”
Bryan is reciting from a book I’ve read before. But unlike the first time I read it, I don’t want to know how it ends.
“Bryan?” My voice is filled with bewilderment. “What are we doing here?”
He looks exactly the same as I remember, but in contrast to all the times I looked at him before, I feel nothing.
He reads my turmoil and stands, seriousness replacing his smile. “What do you mean? You look like you’ve just seen a ghost.” The moment the word slips past his lips, a cold chill passes through my body.
Before this second, this fleeting moment in time, what’s the last thing I can remember?
Dinner at my favorite Italian restaurant. I had a glass of red. The ravioli Florentine was delicious. Everything was perfect. The food, the company, the place—it was the best birthday I’ve had.
Birthday.
It’s my twenty-s
eventh birthday.
“Baby? What’s going on?”
Bryan’s voice, although expressing nothing but concern, sounds and feels so wrong. The comfort he once provided now makes me nauseous.
Why?
What can’t I remember? There is a hole in my memory. A big black hole sucking down anything that may feel familiar.
“What day is it?” I ask, my eyes wide as I scope out my surroundings.
“It’s Saturday. September twelfth. Are you okay?” When he attempts to comfort me, I involuntarily take a step back.
Bryan cocks his head to the side. That’s never happened before. I’ve always craved his touch. But now, I crave the touch of someone else. Someone with eyes the color of the clearest blue sky. I just can’t remember who that someone is.
“I’m fine,” I lie when Bryan stares at me as if I’ve grown a second head.
“Did you have too much wine with dinner? Maybe it’s something you ate?” His questions are giving me a headache.
This time when Bryan tries to comfort me, I don’t turn away. He wraps his arm around me; his cologne, the scent I used to love, now makes me gag. I long for something warmer, deeper, and manlier.
I quash down this disconcerting feeling that something massive is about to happen and allow Bryan to lead me down the sidewalk. His hands feel clumsy, his touch comparable to being in the arms of a cold fish. I subtly shift out of his hold as I feel like I’m seconds away from suffocating.
What is the matter with me? Maybe I am getting sick? I was out in the rain with Jude.
I leave skid marks as I come to a screeching halt. Who the hell is Jude? Every inch of my body shrieks in protest, punishing me for not knowing his name. I should know his name, but why?
“Okay, now you’re freaking me out. I’m taking you to the hospital.”
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
I was in a hospital once, the machines keeping me alive. Images flash for a mere second of me lying in a peach room.
