by Dee, Cara
I shrugged. “So?”
She found that funny for some reason, not to mention eye-roll worthy. “Quit the tough-guy act, Finn. I know you care. You have a fucked-up way of showing it sometimes, but it’s not a big secret. And, well, I care too. Once Emilia’s dragged your sorry ass through the mud for a long fucking time, you two belong together.”
I managed a weak smile as my chest constricted. “As much as I want that to be true, I don’t see it happening anymore. I have a few more things to tell her.” I owed it to Emilia.
“Oh God,” Luna muttered with a cringe. “There’s more?”
“Afraid so.”
“Jesus Christ, Finn.”
Yeah, pretty much. There were some things I’d never divulge, and lying would always be a part of what I did. However, to show Emilia who I really was, something she deserved to know, I had a bit more to admit that would be the final nails in my coffin.
After that, she’d know who she was married to.
“Let’s get this over with,” I said. “What are her terms?”
Luna blew out a breath and dug out a piece of paper from the pocket of her jeans. “All right. She wants to move back up here, but she’d like the bedroom to be hers.”
I waved a hand while I suppressed the ounce of elation that surged up. I’d be close to her again—physically, at least. I’d see her. “She can have it.” I’d offered to leave the flat the minute she’d started packing an overnight bag, but she’d insisted on the studio downstairs.
“I figured,” Luna replied. “That entails respecting her privacy. Knocking before entering, not entering if she doesn’t want you to.”
My brows went up. “I’m well aware of what privacy is, Luna. Move on.”
“Just sayin’.” She spread the page on the island top and moved to the next item. “She’s not ready to talk about any of this, so the rule is that youse will focus on work and family. Don’t pressure her, don’t rush her, don’t show her any affection, don’t act as her husband—all that will be put on hold. She has a lot to process, and she will take the time she needs to do that. You will be a good boy and wait.”
I nodded at the page, curious. “Does it say that last part?”
That earned me a cheeky smile. “That was a Luna add-on.”
Uh-huh. That’s what I thought.
“Got it, she wants to be treated like some damn associate.” I folded my arms over my chest, unhappy as fuck, though there was nothing I could do about it. These were her demands.
“That’s a good word,” Luna agreed. “Because when it comes to work, she wants to be fully involved. We both do. No secrecy, no protecting our poor, little female brains. For this operation, we’re all in.”
Jaysus fuckin’…something. I exhaled heavily and pinched the bridge of my nose. Was it feasible? It was impossible to predict exactly which laws we would be breaking. I had to take a lot into consideration here. As the future boss of the Sons, having my wife push me around wouldn’t look good one goddamn bit. On the other hand, only our closest were here. They knew me. They also knew how to keep their mouths shut, and they cared for Emilia. They were friends—more than associates.
Blood would be spilled. Lives would be lost, some probably innocent.
The authorities might get involved, too. I could hold my own in an interrogation. Could Emilia and Luna?
That would be a resounding no.
I shook my head and let my hand fall to my side. “No.”
Luna’s gaze tightened. “Excuse me?”
“No.” I stuck my hands into the pockets of my sweats and leaned forward a few inches. “Want me to spell it out? N-O. No. This is horseshit, Luna. You want a future as a criminal? Climb the fucking ranks like the rest of us had to do.” I jerked my chin at the list of demands. “We’ll start with item number two right now. You and Emilia will be associates. You’ll know about the plans. We won’t withhold many details.” I let that part sink in with a pointed look. It was an olive branch, and she should accept it. “But you two have to prove yourselves not only to me, your fucking superior, but to all the men. Because if you wanna play in the big-boy league, you gotta be voted on to the team first. This isn’t something I can decide on my own.”
She wasn’t pleased, but she was a smart cookie. She knew I was right. They couldn’t join the inner circle with a snap of their manicured fingers.
“I don’t even tell my own brother all the details,” I told her. “Liam, your brother, and Eric are the only three who get full disclosure.”
They had years of experience, were highly trained in their fields, and I trusted them with my life.
“That’s fair,” she muttered grudgingly. “I’ll let her know.”
I nodded with a dip of my chin. “You can also let her know that I have a demand of my own—actually, two.”
“Go on.” She raised her chin.
“This is a two-way street,” I said. “If you two wanna be treated like you work in our syndicate, then you obey your boss. You follow instructions without bitching, and you fall in line just like the others do.” I knew that one would be a hard pill to swallow, and I didn’t care. In fact, this would be interesting. I wanted to see how they acted when they weren’t treated as the wife and sister of a top earner. “Lastly, tell Emilia that I need to talk to her before anything—”
“She’s not ready,” she protested.
“Will you let me finish?” I asked irritably. “She wants my honesty. Tell her I have more shit to confess. I’m pretty sure she’ll wanna hear it. That’s all.”
Maybe this would actually work. Hope had died within me, and it automatically made me more distant. I had to be. I couldn’t walk around and show everyone I was a heartbroken idiot.
No, Emilia and Luna were in for a reality check, and they were about to engage with me as low-men.
I’d treat them no differently than I treated Mikey and newer Sons.
15
Emilia O’Shea
“Heads up,” Luna said as I gathered my hair into a ponytail. “You might see a new side of Finn.”
“What do you mean?” I slipped my feet into my flats and pushed up the sleeves of my long-sleeved T-shirt. “You already told me he’ll be in boss-mode.”
“Yeah, but…before I left yesterday, he seemed…colder. He’s shutting down, I think.”
I was prepared for that.
Yesterday after Luna had talked to Finnegan, we’d stayed up all night. Poor Liam had been shuffled to another apartment, and we’d had Conn and Colm standing guard in shifts outside. Liam’s call. But it’d been the only way for Luna and me to have privacy.
We’d ordered pizza and talked for hours. I’d probably made her repeat herself one time too many as well, while I struggled to analyze Finnegan without having been there. But yeah, I was ready for him to prove a point. He wanted to act like the boss he was? Fine. Actually, great. Because I wanted to earn my place. I’d never gotten squat for free in the past, and I had no desire to start now.
I could also admit I understood his perspective. Our marital problems were private, and the boys who worked for Finnegan didn’t need our drama in their lives. We’d handle that behind closed doors—somehow, eventually. More than that, if Finnegan gave Luna and me special treatment, he wouldn’t come across as a great leader.
There was also the fact that women had never been allowed to take part before, so this would be a major adjustment for all of them.
“So.” Luna faced me and put her hands on her hips. “Are you feeling fierce?”
I snorted and grabbed my key and phone. “Sure, super fierce.”
At least I was out of my hoodies and yoga pants. Luna had let me borrow a pair of skinny jeans and a snug Henley. It had a wide neck that made it easier to breathe. I didn’t know what was going on with me; I was constantly one suffocating feeling away from a vomit attack.
Luna had made me put on makeup too. No more mopey, indigent looks.
After telling her I’d see her s
oon, I made my way out into the stairwell. We had a meeting, all of us, in an hour. After Finnegan and I talked. Or, he would talk. I was bracing myself to get hurt again by more confessions.
Conn sat in the stairway next to the elevator. I guessed it was his shift.
“Oi, darlin’.” He stood up, as if I cared how he guarded a door.
“Hi. I’m moving back upstairs later, so you probably don’t have to be here tonight.” I pushed the button for the elevator.
He inclined his head. “The boss told us.”
“Us?”
“At the meeting.” He quirked a wry little smirk. “He called us over before for a wee vote.”
Vote.
Oh.
“About Luna and me?” I asked, even though I knew.
He nodded. “Don’t worry. The ayes won.”
That didn’t ease my worries. The opposite. My issues with Finnegan aside, I respected that he had a lot of pressure on him, and now he had crew members who didn’t want Luna or me to join.
The elevator arrived on the second floor, and I opened the metal door and swallowed my nerves. Possibly some nausea too. “Thanks,” I said distractedly and entered the car. The old thing squeaked and rattled all the way up, and I took deep breaths as I did my best to calm down.
Luna and I, we had to take this seriously. Not only for our sakes—for Finnegan’s. Because this syndicate was his past, present, and future.
I released a breath as the elevator stopped, and the second I stepped out, I heard muffled conversation coming from our place to the left.
“You feel better, son?” I heard Shan ask.
There was a throat clearing. “Don’t force me to lie.”
Shan chuckled.
I knitted my brow together and walked closer, pressing my ear to the door. Sue me, I was curious.
“Keep going,” Shan said. “Deep breaths.”
That comment made my heart jump. Had something happened?
Shan spoke again. “You’ve never had a panic attack before, have you?”
I flinched back, and my hand flew to my mouth. Had Finn—I mean, why…how—I didn’t understand. Something must’ve have gone wrong. Frustration built up quickly, and I looked at the door; it was in the way, keeping me separated from… Fuck. My heart and my brain so weren’t on the same page these days.
Missing, loving, craving the man who’d hurt me this much… I wasn’t equipped to deal with that kind of clusterfuck. And every time I caught myself missing him, wanting to be there for him, it only made my anger rise to new heights.
If Finnegan gave Shan a verbal response, I missed it. The next thing I heard was him muttering, “I’m fine. Emilia will be here any minute. I’mma go to the bathroom and get my shit together.”
Nerves fluttered in my stomach. I didn’t know if Shan was leaving to give us privacy or if he’d stay in another room, so I knocked on the door. If he was leaving, I didn’t want him to catch me lurking out here.
Words were exchanged inside the apartment again, this time too low for me to hear.
Then Shan opened the door, and I was instantly taken aback by his casual expression. Followed by a careful, polite smile. Whatever worry he felt toward Finnegan was buried.
Of course it was. They were criminal masterminds who lied for a living, remember?
“Hello, sweetheart.” He opened the door wider to let me in and cleared his throat. “I don’t suspect I’m one of your favorite people at the moment, but it’s good to see you.”
I nodded once, at a loss—confused, angry, rattled—and walked in, immediately assaulted by a scent my heart ached for. The scent that was ours, mine and his. Shower products, cleaning supplies, perfume, cologne, us. “Where’s Finnegan?” I removed my shoes and eyed Shan for signs of…anything.
I came up with nada. He was too good. He gestured to the master bedroom before slipping his hands into his pockets and trailing toward the living room. “He’ll be out in a bit. He’s had the boys over all morning.”
Uh-huh.
I followed him and took in the surroundings of a living room I’d decorated less than three weeks ago. Hell, mere days ago, it’d looked great. The Christmas decorations were obviously still in place, but the string lights on the tree were turned off, the tiered cookie tray on the coffee table was empty, and one of the air beds was inflated in front of the flat screen. Which meant the sectional couch hadn’t been enough. Finnegan had slept there, and his dad on the bed.
Well, I couldn’t just do nothing. I gathered some magazines and takeout containers from the coffee table and brought them out to the kitchen.
Whoa.
Finnegan knew how to fucking clean. He was surprisingly tidy back home, aside from throwing his towels and laundry everywhere, so I didn’t understand why the kitchen looked like a war zone. Beer cans, pizza boxes—the sink was packed with dirty dishes. Luna hadn’t mentioned this. Was it new? Even the kitchen island was filled with clutter. Plastic bags, cookie boxes, half-empty bags of chips. Fucking lovely.
“She’s in the kitchen,” Shan said.
Finnegan must be out.
I steeled myself to see him and turned around just as he reached the doorway to the kitchen.
My breathing hitched before I managed to compose my expression. The redness in his eyes was the only proof that something that was amiss. He was dressed for work in suit pants and a fitted pullover. He’d shaved or trimmed his beard, leaving a bit of scruff.
“Hey.” He broke eye contact and aimed for the dishwasher on the other side of the island. “You don’t have to do anything here. I was gonna tidy up later. The men had breakfast and lunch here earlier.”
“You had beer and pizza for breakfast?” I had no idea why I chose to focus on that when there were literally hundreds of topics that were more important.
“No. Liam and Kellan were here last night.” He began filling the dishwasher. “We finalized the plans for our next move.”
“Oh.”
I heard the front door open and close. I assumed Shan had left.
A couple plates clashed together in the washer, and Finnegan cursed before he placed his palms on the counter and hung his head. “I don’t know why I’m doing this now.” He sniffled, and I was instantly on high alert. Then he coughed and closed the dishwasher. “I think I’m coming down with something, so I wanna get this over with. I need to rest before everyone comes back.”
Luna was right. He was colder. He was also shutting me out. I wouldn’t necessarily call it lying. He just wasn’t sharing himself with me at the moment, and I couldn’t demand it. I shouldn’t want to demand it either.
One thing was clear, though. We were both putting up a front, and I despised it with everything I was.
It wasn’t us.
“I put my clothes in the closet in the hallway, so the bedroom’s yours,” he said and nodded toward the living room. I followed him out of the kitchen. “I’ll share the bathroom out there with Eric.”
“Okay.”
Autumn came and went as she pleased. The master bathroom had a bigger tub, and I liked helping her. She was in a phase where all her Barbies had to have braids.
Finnegan cleared the couch of blankets and pillows, and I chose the end nearest the Christmas tree to sit.
“You had some things you wanted to tell me,” I said.
He nodded slightly and remained standing between the coffee table and the air bed. I could tell he was distraught and distracted, stuck in his head. Was he aware that he was still holding the blankets? After a moment, he dropped them on the air bed behind him, and he ran a hand through his hair.
“I’m under no illusions that you’ll forgive me,” he said, avoiding eye contact. “In a way, I guess it’ll make it easier to reveal who I am.” Christ, he was fucking gone. He pinched his lips, a crease appearing in his forehead, a frown directed at the floor, and it was like he wasn’t even here. I’d never witnessed him so distant. “Ironic, right?” He let out a barely there chuckle and spa
red me the briefest of glances. “You get to know the man you married after we’re done.” The humor faded fast, and I grew rigid at what he’d said. “Anyway.” He sniffed and blew out a breath. “I once swore to you that I’d never killed anyone. That I only hurt people if they’d hurt me—and so on. That’s not true. I committed my first murder when I was seventeen.”
A rock of dread dropped into my stomach.
I felt myself go pale, and yet, the shock wasn’t huge. It was something else. I didn’t know what.
Finnegan’s shoulders slumped. Hands in his pockets, chin dropped. “It’s actually been exhausting to maintain this ridiculous façade. Over and over, I kept having this thought. I had to step up my game so I could deserve you. When the truth is, I never will.” At that, he finally lifted his gaze to mine. There was nothing there. His gunmetal eyes were blank. “I never could,” he amended. “I am who you always thought I was. A criminal, a murderer, a thief—you name it. A liar.”
I swallowed hard, frightened in a way I’d never been. My heart started galloping. And it was the situation. It was everything. It wasn’t him. I didn’t fear him or that he would do something to me; it was just…everything else. Everything that was unknown to me.
“I’m not looking for redemption, Emilia. I accept who I am, knowing wrong from right and choosing the first. I have no regrets, no conscience, and guilt didn’t have a place in my life until I fell for you.”
I exhaled shakily and realized I was white-knuckling the edge of the couch.
“Until you were the one I hurt,” he said. “And by then, it was too late. I can’t take anything back. This life is all I know, and I happen to love it. It’s selfish, but it’s freedom. I do what I want, and mercy is reserved for family. So are my protection and my wealth. As long as my family is safe and taken care of, I’ve done my job. That’s my responsibility.” He paused, and the worry lines in his forehead deepened. “Obviously, I failed with you. You want more than loyalty. You want honesty. And that’s…” He let out a breathy laugh and shook his head. “It’s a catch-22. You never would’ve married me if you’d known me for who I really was.”
