He regularly sought out my advice, complimented me, reaffirmed me, and made me laugh, but he also yelled at me, cursed at me, and pushed me to do better. He never held back and I didn’t want him to. I wanted him to treat me the same way he would Mike Pompeo, Jared Kushner, or Dan Scavino, and he did. So many times the idea of women’s empowerment is that somehow we should be treated differently, but I just wanted to be treated the same way as my male colleagues. I wanted to earn my place, not have it handed to me because I’m a woman.
The president liked surrounding himself with strong women. He certainly didn’t always take our advice but he heard us out. I never felt like I was anything less for being a woman during my time at the White House, but that doesn’t mean it was easy. Like a lot of working moms, for me it was a daily battle to strike the right balance between work and family. Almost every working mom I knew struggled with finding that balance. You spent most days feeling like if you were doing your job well you were lacking as a parent and vice versa. When I was at work I’d feel guilty that I was not at every class party, performance, or field trip. During my time at the White House I missed nearly every school drop-off and pickup. That’s two and a half years I didn’t get to wave good-bye to my kids in the morning before school or give them a hug and a kiss when they came home. Not only did I feel like my kids weren’t getting enough of me, I’d question what other moms must think. My kids definitely weren’t the ones coming to school with a perfectly composed lunch of organic, homemade items in a bento box complete with a handwritten poem on their napkin. Most days we were lucky to find the time at all to pack a lunch and not forget the drink or snack.
Achieving work-life balance in a fast-paced work environment was daunting, and many days, impossible. If my kids were sick and we were up all night, I’d still have to be “on” at work. If I was dealing with a major story or had gone on a foreign trip with the president, I’d still have to be “on” when I eventually got home. I was constantly looking at my schedule figuring out how to make time for both. On Sundays I’d look at my calendar for the week ahead, and often felt like a failure as a mom before the week even started because I’d see the work obligations I had coming up and knew there’d be no quality time left over for my kids. Or I’d feel like a failure at work because I’d see all the stuff I had to be at for my kids and knew it wouldn’t leave enough time for my job. For many working moms the high cost of childcare is a real challenge. At one point before I started at the White House our monthly childcare costs were more than the mortgage on our home. I had friends in the administration who felt like they earned just enough to pay for childcare. And if you could afford it, good luck finding someone who will care for your kids the way you would. It’s one of the reasons I was so proud of the Trump administration for leading the fight to double the child tax credit and champion paid family leave. Four years ago Republicans were hardly talking about paid family leave at all, but thanks to the leadership of Ivanka Trump, also a working mom of three, there was now broad bipartisan support for it.
* * *
Being a working mom in the White House was tough, but it actually made me a lot better at my job. Some of the best training I got to be the White House press secretary was from being a mom. It taught me how to multitask and prioritize my time. It also taught me about the weight of my words and the importance of being intentional and focused. Most important, it taught me how to answer the same question over and over again and say no. In fact, dealing with some reporters in the briefing room was a lot like dealing with screaming toddlers. Unfortunately the press didn’t think that analogy was as funny as I did!
A lesson I learned from my dad was that it’s not just about the quantity of time you spend with your kids—it’s the quality of time. Growing up in a political family where my dad’s time was often not his own I experienced firsthand how much quality one-on-one time mattered. One of my fondest memories of my dad from growing up was our Wednesday morning breakfasts together. It was a set date. It didn’t matter if it was a fancy restaurant or McDonald’s, on Wednesday morning I felt like the only person in the world who mattered to him and that’s what made it special.
I’ll never forget my first Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day at the White House. I decided to bring my son Huck, who was three at the time. Huck was younger than most of the other kids coming, but it was a risk I was willing to take. How many more opportunities would I get to take one of my kids to work for a day at the White House? I couldn’t pass it up. Bryan and I talked about it and he agreed to be on standby in case Huck got to be too much for me to handle.
For President Trump’s first Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day we decided to not only invite the kids of White House staff, but also the kids of the White House press corps. The White House staff rolled out the red carpet for all the kids—giving them gift bags with hats, coloring books, Secret Service badges, and filling the day with once-in-a-lifetime experiences like seeing the president’s limo, the Beast, baking cookies in the White House kitchen with the pastry chef, and closing the day out by meeting the president and vice president for a group picture in the Rose Garden. As White House staff and press kids gathered in the Rose Garden, I briefed the president in the Oval Office about the event. I reminded him that half of the kids’ parents are reporters so he may want to be careful with what he said. He naturally ignored my advice! As we talked, the president noticed the rose bushes outside his window violently shaking. I turned and looked up to see a crop of blond hair pop up out of the bushes. “There’s a boy in the bushes!” the president exclaimed. The boy with blond hair launched himself out of the bushes and ran to the window, pressing his face up against the glass of the Oval Office. Mortified, I responded, “Yes, sir, that’s my son Huck.” The president looked at me, shook his head, and said, “Well, Sarah, at least he’s handsome.”
Moments later, the president walked out of the Oval Office onto the iconic Rose Garden colonnade to say hi and take pictures with the kids and I followed behind him. Out of the corner of my eye, in front of dozens of cameras, I saw Huck running at full speed toward the president. President Trump bent down to greet him, but just as the Secret Service was about to intervene, Huck blew right past the president as if he wasn’t even there and dove into my arms. The president turned and gave me a “this kid again” look with a grin. I shrugged back and smiled as I gave my son a big hug. It was an encouraging reminder to all the moms out there: for a three-year-old boy, the most powerful man in the world—the President of the United States—has nothing on his mom! I knew in that moment I hadn’t totally messed him up, at least not yet!
At another Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day, Vice President Pence joined me at the podium in the briefing room to take questions from dozens of reporters’ kids. One of the things I always loved about the vice president was his heart, compassion, and love for the people of our country. He was always the first person to encourage the team, build us up, and take an interest in each of us personally. On more than one occasion he’d engage my kids and make them feel important. The vice president was not only a good Christian man, but a trusted confidant of the president and a calm and stable presence in the White House during tumultuous times.
I came to expect the unexpected when I’d bring my kids to the office. For Christmas at the White House one year, Bryan and I took all three kids. It was perfect. Once again the first lady had done an amazing job. The first lady was not only a gracious and welcoming host but had a spectacular eye for things of beauty and at no time was this more evident than Christmas at the White House. Even though some in the press mocked and attacked her, anyone who spent any real time with her knew what a beautiful spirit she had and she poured all of it into making visitors at the White House feel special and welcomed. Christmas at the White House was magical, each room filled with unique décor and impeccable thought and detail put into every ornament, light, and display. As you entered the East Wing, the first thing you’d see was a Christmas tre
e that towered over the room adorned with ornaments to honor Gold Star families who had paid the ultimate sacrifice for our country. As you continued into the East Wing, you’d step onto a green carpet with giant all-red Christmas trees made from thousands of small berries lining both sides of the hall. As you left the hall, there were frames on the walls with Christmas cards from previous first families. Just past that you could peek into the China Room where tables were set to display past presidents’ china patterns. Across the hall in the White House Library were four Christmas trees that had ornaments with seals representing all our states and territories. As soon as you started to make your way up the stairs you’d begin to hear beautiful music played by the Marine Corps Band, and at the top of the stairs stations were set up for kids to make Christmas crafts. There were all kinds of Christmas treats and a hot chocolate bar, where the parents carefully monitored their kids to make sure they didn’t spill all over the floor or themselves. The grand finale was a chance for the families to meet the president and first lady in the Blue Room in front of the eighteen-foot-tall North Carolina–grown Christmas tree and have a photo taken. Like the other attendees I wanted a picture with my kids and the First Family. I had the boys dressed in green dress pants with blazers and bow ties and Scarlett in an ivory dress with gold trim and a Peter Pan collar that looked like a miniature Jackie O dress. I was a proud mom and wanted to capture the moment. Despite the fact the kids had way too much hot chocolate, they were on pretty good behavior for the family photo.
As we finished, the president pulled me aside. The boys ran off and Bryan chased after them, but Scarlett stayed with me. The president was irritated with negative coverage on the Sunday shows. He was particularly offended by that morning’s edition of NBC’s Meet the Press, anchored by a liberal reporter the president often referred to as “that sleepy-eyed son of a b, Chuck Todd.” Next to me, Scarlett, listened intently as the president dropped an explosive f-bomb on the media. I interrupted the president and said, “Sir, you can’t say that. She’s six!” to which the president replied … “Oh, sh——!” He then turned to Scarlett, apologized, and said, “Well, sweetheart, it was only a matter of time. Welcome to the real world!” It was a Trump White House Christmas memory I’ll never forget—and I pray my daughter was too young to remember!
As much as I wanted to protect my kids, I also wanted them to understand why we were making the sacrifices to serve our country. Politics is a nasty business, but I believed good people have to be involved and stand up for what is right, no matter the cost, because if good people don’t get involved, bad things happen. One of the things I admired about the president was he raised good kids and included them in everything he’d done in business and politics. It’s been said, “You can’t fake good kids.” Nobody is perfect, but the president was a good father. I have seen him make world leaders wait so he could take a call from one of his kids. I have watched him step to their defense when attacked and praise them as a proud father when they succeed. He has helped raise kids who are kind, smart, hardworking, and very generous to others. That didn’t happen by accident, and it’s something I hope people will one day say about me and my kids.
Bryan and I found that even when we couldn’t spend as much time as we would like with our kids, being intentional about our time—particularly one-on-one time—made a big difference. However, when you’re a parent of multiple preschool-aged kids you had to be careful that being too focused on one doesn’t leave the others unsupervised. I have learned this the hard way too many times to count!
One Saturday morning about 9:00 a.m. I was focused on spending time with Scarlett, who was giving me a makeover. After about an hour of getting my hair pulled into ponytail holders and bows and my face covered in makeup and bright blue eye shadow, I went to check my phone and found I had a lot of missed calls, texts, and emails from reporters asking what I was trying to say. I was confused because it was Saturday morning. I was at home with my kids getting a makeover from my daughter. I hadn’t been trying to say anything. After a few minutes I found an email that had a tweet embedded in it. The tweet was from my official White House account. It didn’t say anything, but it did contain a bunch of stoplight, anchor, plane, and train emojis. In a panic, I yelled, “Huck, get in here!” It had been more than an hour since his tweet had gone out, and I furiously typed out a clarification: “This is what happens when your three year old steals your phone. Thanks Huck! #NeverLeaveYour PhoneUnlocked.” It did, however, happen to be Infrastructure Week so at least the boy was on message!
Not to be outdone by his older brother, my son George one evening somehow ordered an $80 Batman toy off our Amazon Echo (why does it automatically select the most expensive Batman? you might ask…). Not realizing this was even possible, I posted on social media: “Alexa, we have a problem if my two-year-old can order a Batman toy by yelling ‘Batman!’ over and over again” into the Echo. To my surprise, Democrats on Twitter were outraged, accusing me of an ethics violation for promoting the overpriced Batman toy, or perhaps even a national security breach for owning an Echo in the first place because surely the Russians must be listening in on all my top-secret conversations with my kids.
In the midst of the uproar, I received an email from the owner of Sure Thing Toys, the purveyor of the $80 Batman toy.
Message from third-party seller:
Thanks for your order and the inadvertent press! In all seriousness, you can return your Batman figure if you’d like. No hassle! Just arrange for the return through the “Your Account” link on the Amazon homepage. It is a really cool figure though, but probably a bit too detailed and expensive for a two-year-old.
Ryan
Sure Thing Toys
I replied to Ryan:
I apologize for the press. I’ve never been great on the return. Maybe my four-year-old is big enough for it. Who knew a basic post like that could be so controversial, hope it doesn’t cause you any problems!
Message from third-party seller:
It’s cool! We’ll take all the press we can get. We sell toys and stay out of politics, so I can’t imagine it would cause us any problems. People on there are brutal. Such a toxic environment. I don’t know how you deal with that! And, for the record, we do have about 400 of those Batman figures left, so a boost in sales would be nice!
Either way, thanks again.
Good luck,
Ryan
Not out of fear of the Russians but out of concern George might bankrupt our family yelling “Batman!” at Alexa, we got rid of our Echo. We still have the giant Batman toy. Sticking with the Batman theme for Halloween at the White House, George and Huck both dressed as the Caped Crusader. We trick-or-treated around offices in the Old Executive Office Building and the West Wing, and the president was nice enough to invite my kids into the Oval Office to say hi. George and Huck, both in full Batman attire, high-fived the president. Some of my favorite pictures from my two and a half years in the Trump administration are from that day.
My kids were too young to fully appreciate how cool it was to get to trick-or-treat at the White House or high-five the president in their Batman costumes in the Oval Office. But it was a relief they were also too young to really understand some of the worst parts of my job. Very early Monday morning on October 2, 2017, I woke up to a call from the Situation Room to let me know about a mass shooting that had taken place in Las Vegas late the night before. I was getting ready to head to the office and Huck, always an early riser, was playing in the living room while I talked to Chief of Staff John Kelly to confirm the president had been fully briefed. I notified the press via the pool and turned off the television so Huck couldn’t see the horrific images rolling in from Vegas.
Fifty-eight people were killed and many more injured. I was scheduled to brief that day and would be the first person from the administration to speak to the country. I knew this moment was important. The country was again hurting from a mass shooting and needed a lot more than my words could provide. Cli
ff Sims and I talked about what my script to open the briefing should include. I asked him to find stories of concertgoers in Vegas who had courageously risked their lives to help others to highlight the resilience of the American people. He came back a couple of hours later while I was doing briefing prep with the rest of the team to do a read-through. When I started the first read-through of the script I fell apart. I asked the team to step out of my office for a minute. I sat quietly and cried for the people who had lost mothers, fathers, sons, and daughters they loved to this senseless act of violence. I prayed and asked God to comfort the grieving families and friends and to help me deliver a message of healing and hope. I then called my team back into my office. No one said anything. We just hugged. I walked out into the briefing room, took the podium, and choked up recounting acts of heroism that saved lives: “What these people did for each other says far more about who we are as Americans than the cowardly acts of a killer ever could. The Gospel of John reminds us that there is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for a friend. The memory of those who displayed the ultimate expression of love in the midst of an unimaginable act of hate will never fade. Their examples will serve as an eternal reminder that the American spirit cannot and will not ever be broken. In the days ahead, we will grieve as a nation. We will honor the memory of those lost as a nation, and we will come together, united as one nation, under God, and indivisible.”
After the briefing I went back and sat alone in my office trying to make sense of it all. I opened up an email from Ari Fleischer, former White House press secretary for President George W. Bush and during 9/11. He wrote:
Speaking for Myself Page 19
