by Lissa Kasey
Jamie shrugged. “Society has a lot of imposed social norms I don’t necessarily subscribe to. She’d been gone little more than a year when people started pushing me to date and get married again so I could have kids. If I could go back in time, I might not have married so young. I’m not sure I was ready. Then she got sick and the world erupted. Finding out someone you care about has cancer is a horrible way to grow up fast. Her passing made me cautious of people. Things people say and do, how they treat me as a widower. I dated for a while, but got tired of the games. Always being tried on to see if I was husband material. Animals are more my speed. They are always happy to see me, and don’t make judgments about whether I’m healing fast enough or at all. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard ‘You’ll find someone else.’ Why should that even matter? I’d rather be happy than looking for the next social norm. I get more joy out of training the dogs to fetch than from dating some stranger.”
“Not right for you then,” Nate said, like he somehow had all the best dating advice when he’d been single most of his life. “I think I’d rather walk Harry than date. Never found the right one myself. Too many book boyfriends to live up to.”
“And that’s a bad thing, why?”
“Unrealistic expectations?” Nate wondered.
“Well, if you expect your boyfriend to be Thor, yes.”
“With a side of Loki and a little bit of Samwise, maybe.”
Jamie grinned. “Marvel was just okay. I love Lord of the Rings. We should have a movie marathon this week. We can watch a new movie after I get home from work each night until we see them all.”
“You do recall they are all over three hours long, right?”
“Yep. And I’ve read the books a dozen times.”
So had Nate. Hell, he probably had them memorized. “Legolas was my first book boyfriend,” Nate admitted.
“Really? I thought you’d be more into the horsemen, like Faramir.”
Nate burst into laughter. “Did you just make a gay joke? Oh my God, you did just make a gay Lord of the Rings joke.”
“Maybe,” Jamie said.
Nate glanced up at him and saw pink staining his cheeks. “You didn’t mean to, but you did. That’s awesome!”
“Jerk,” Jamie said. “Time to change the subject.”
“Change away,” Nate agreed.
“Have you gotten very far with your writing?”
Nate shook his head. “I only have one character so far, so it’s not much of a story yet. It’s pretty disjointed, I think. I’ve answered some of the questions and done some profiles, but nothing much flows yet.”
“Yeah, mine is still that way. I think that’s normal. Especially in the beginning. Maybe you can go to the next group and see how they have solved that problem.” Jamie turned toward Nate a little. He wrapped an arm around Nate’s shoulder and wiggled down a little until he was more comfortable.
“Maybe,” Nate agreed. In that moment, he could almost see a future. The black cloud of depression and anxiety still lingered, but there were breaks in the darkness. Jamie-shaped breaks. He settled in to draft through a few more pages while his brain was clear enough to make sense.
Chapter 14
A loud boom followed by a squealing roar and shrieking ripped Nate from a deep sleep. He tried to leap from his sleeping bag, but ended up a tangle of limbs and confused terror. His heart pounded and his lungs seized up, though his brain couldn’t provide an explanation for the sound.
Jamie was up and moving, bursting out of the tent, while trying to pull on his shoes and coat at the same time. “Stay here,” Jamie said firmly, shoving the lantern into Nate’s hands. Nate couldn’t have moved if his life depended on it. He wasn’t sure how he ended up on the ground, both sleeping bags wrapped around him, light illuminating the small space, and trembling like a leaf.
He was freezing. His lungs were working overtime as he gulped, gasped, swallowed, and started again, sucking in small bits of air as Jamie disappeared into the darkness. He was alone. What if someone came back? What was that noise? A gunshot? Nate wasn’t sure he’d ever heard one outside of a movie. The squealing almost sounded like a car crash. There were no roads out here. Even the path the truck had driven up earlier in the day wasn’t anything more than a break in the trees. What would cars be doing out here?
And the screaming. The memory of the sound made his gut clench and heave. Had someone been killed? Was there a body lying outside the tent? Would blood begin to seep through the fabric?
He bowed forward, burying his face in the fabric of the sleeping bag even though he could barely breathe. Flashes of lights erupted behind his closed lids. He clung to the blankets until his hands ached from the effort.
“You can’t die from panic,” Nate reminded himself, even though he felt like he was having a heart attack, the pain lighting from his upper left chest through his back. A familiar ache. Not a heart attack, he chanted. Just a panic attack. The narrowing of his vision. His breath coming like he was sucking through a straw, brain shut off to anything other than the fear. Panic.
Familiar, yet terrifying. Someone could have put a gun to his head right at that moment and he’d have been unable to move. He didn’t have a fight or flight mode. He had a fight, flight, or complete shutdown mode. Which he was in now. He struggled to remember what his skills were. Months in therapy to teach him how to think his way out of this very situation, yet each time it came, he couldn’t remember what to do.
Arms wrapped around him, pulling his face out of the blanket. For a minute, Nate thought he’d pass out from the terror. It didn’t even matter that it was Jamie and not some unknown attacker touching him.
“Focus on my voice,” Jamie said. Nate tried, forcing himself to take breaths with Jamie’s instructions. Nothing else cut through. Just the panic, the fight to breathe and Jamie’s arms. He gasped and wheezed, gasped and wheezed, whole body trembling as though a seizure gripped him. Ice ran through his veins, chilling him to the bone. His teeth chattered, and he thought he’d pass out any second.
“Need to go home,” Nate said between struggling gulps of air. He needed the familiar. His cats. His bed, even if wasn’t really his. He needed four walls and the comfort of stability. Tears streamed down his face. He didn’t care that he’d once again proven himself weak to Jamie. He couldn’t breathe and just feared if they stayed another moment they’d die.
Jamie shoved things into Nate’s backpack and his own, still talking, but Nate couldn’t really make out the words. He let go of Nate long enough to cram Nate’s feet into his shoes, and then the pack on their backs after Nate had been zipped up into his coat. He could barely stand up, but did his best to follow Jamie’s instructions.
“We need to hike back down to the truck, then I’ll get us home. I’ll come back tomorrow and get our stuff. Okay?” Jamie said. “Nate, can you hear me? I’m not sure you’re hearing me.”
“I hear you,” Nate whispered. “What if they’re out there? What if they find us?”
“No one is out there,” Jamie assured. “Just focus on me. Down the path to the truck, and then home to your babies.”
Just like that some clarity snapped into place. He had animals who needed him. He could focus on them and move his feet. “Leo needs me,” Nate said, his first full breath coming in like a cool breeze.
“There we go. That’s right. Leo needs you. Let’s get you home so you can take care of him? I bet AJ is missing you too, right now.”
AJ. His chubby little baby. Nate needed to snuggle her and make sure she was okay. He followed Jamie out of the tent and into the darkness. The partial moon was bright, and Jamie used the lantern to illuminate their path. Nate clung to him with a death grip on his wrist and the back of his coat.
“I bet Riley is missing you too,” Jamie said. “He pretends to be the big badass, but he’s gotta be in the same room as you. He’s just a big black marshmallow of kitty love.”
“People don’t adopt black cats much,” Nate mumb
led. “Superstition. They get put down a lot. Couldn’t let them do that to Riley. He’s sweet, even if he’s a little brat. You have to let him smell you before you can pet him. And he’s a little prickly. But super sweet.”
Nate barely remembered the walk back. His worry had been shifted to his cats instead of himself. They were alone in a new place. Without him. Would they huddle up together? Or go exploring like Riley had so far? Jamie was so right about Riley. The little brat pretended to be big and bad, but clung to Nate when he thought no one was looking.
Nate let Jamie put him in the truck and off they went. It was after three in the morning according to the clock in the truck. Nate half dozed during the ride, only to jolt awake twice fearing someone was hurting his cats.
Then they pulled into Jamie’s driveway. Nate jumped out of the car before Jamie could turn the engine off and rushed to the door. He had to wait because he didn’t have his set of keys with him.
Jamie opened the door and the house was quiet. Nate worried that it was too quiet. He didn’t find any of the cats downstairs, but made his way upstairs to his room to drop off his backpack. All of the cats were on his bed. They looked up at him. AJ wiggled and got up, meowing at him.
Nate raced to the side of the bed and grabbed her up into his arms, hugging her tight even as she wiggled to get free. She purred and licked him. Leo didn’t move, though he did look expectantly at Nate as though to say, Hello human, I wish to sleep on you and enjoy your warmth.
Nate kicked off his shoes, and dropped his coat to the floor. The panic finally eased as he crawled into bed and all the cats converged. Even Tuck found a space on his legs as Nate scratched Riley’s ears and stroked Leo’s chin while holding AJ. He closed his eyes and cried with relief and sadness.
For a few hours he’d felt almost healed. Normal. Willing to live again. Now he felt broken and defeated, back to square one. He prayed Jamie didn’t kick him out for begging to come home. Nate had nowhere to go, and losing his best friend would kill him.
Chapter 15
The next day Nate hid in his room. He didn’t even venture out for food. He heard Jamie moving around, but had darted into the bathroom and closed the door each time he heard Jamie’s footsteps in the hallway outside his room. The cats kept him company.
He was horribly embarrassed. Jamie probably thought him a total idiot. He had no idea if the noises he’d heard were even real, or just something conjured up from a nightmare. Nate had been sleeping well, but that didn’t mean he didn’t still have the occasional toxic nap filled with nightmares.
He started the day off with a bath, soaking in the magnesium water Troy had told him was supposed to help his nerves. AJ hung out, sprawled on the rug beside the tub. Leo stopped in to visit him, putting his little paw up on the side like he wanted to rescue Nate. But when Nate didn’t get out of the tub Leo wandered off. The twin terrors had darted in to see what was going on and left too. Tuck had come to the door to let out a low merow, then disappeared back into the bedroom. Riley sat on the counter, tail swishing in an angry whip, watching the door. Nate wasn’t sure who he thought was a danger, but Riley had always been overprotective of what was his.
When Nate finished his bath, he just put on another pair of pajamas and crawled back into bed to read. He heard footsteps again and was tempted to hide, but he’d already done it twice. He would have to face Jamie eventually. Only the twin terrors had left the room so far. Everyone else had returned to the bed with him.
Nate looked up as Jamie stuck his head around the partially open door. “Hey,” Nate said casually, as if he hadn’t made a fool of himself last night and ruined the camping trip Jamie had planned.
“Afternoon,” Jamie said. “You okay?”
“Sure.” Total lie. “Sorry about last night,” Nate said lamely, not sure how to apologize for something he couldn’t control no matter how hard he tried.
“Nothing to be sorry about.” Jamie stepped into the room. “Looks like the kitty’s have proclaimed you their property today. Everyone’s okay?”
Nate petted AJ’s head. She purred at him. “Yeah, I think everyone is okay.”
“Harry has been at the backdoor all morning. I tried to get him to go for a walk, but I think he wants you, not me.”
“I’m not sure I have a walk in me right now,” Nate said honestly. He didn’t know if he could face anyone. What if he ran into people he knew on the walk? Like Charlie or Angel? Would they all know? He closed his eyes to fight back tears again. God, he hated crying. What a pointless function. How many times had he been told in his life that boys don’t cry? Men don’t show emotions? It was bullshit. Always had been. Men were taught to hide emotion, they still felt it just as strongly as a woman did, in Nate’s opinion.
“He’s a little lonely since some of the dogs went off to new homes yesterday. Maybe you could visit him? The backyard is pretty quiet. I’m not sure even Mattie knows what to do. It’s been ages since there were so few dogs.” Jamie put his hands in his pockets and didn’t try to come closer. “I need to run up to the camp and get our stuff.”
Nate wondered if he’d really heard something or it had all been in his head. “That noise?”
“Not sure what it was yet. Graham is checking it out. If they can’t find anything on foot, they might take a helicopter out just to be sure.”
“Was someone hurt?”
“I don’t know. I hope not.” Jamie toed at the carpet with his shoe. “I’m sorry, Nate.” Nate tensed, expecting the next words out of Jamie’s mouth to be that he had to leave because Jamie couldn’t handle Nate’s cowardice. “I shouldn’t have pushed you. You weren’t ready for the camping thing yet. And I didn’t expect a bunch of idiots to ruin your first experience with it,” he said instead.
“Not your fault.”
“No. But it’s not yours either. Can you get that through your head? Don’t hide in here all day. Go out and play with Harry. Read in the hammock. Go for a walk. Visit the bakery or the vet’s office. Just…” Jamie stopped, like he wasn’t sure what else to say. “Do you want me to see if Troy will stop by?”
“No.” Nate didn’t want to see anyone.
“Okay. Call if you need me. I’ll have my phone.”
Nate nodded. Jamie left. Nate waited until he heard the truck leave before getting up to find food. He was a little nauseous, but knew he needed to eat. He made a boring lunch of stovetop grilled chicken and freshly steamed broccoli. Riley sat in the window above the sink, AJ followed Nate around the kitchen. He opened the backdoor, leaving just the storm door in place. Harry stood there, looking up at him expectantly. His little pigtails were gone, the hair trimmed neatly. It made Nate sad, though he was pretty sure Harry didn’t mind. Harry made a little cry when he saw Nate.
“Hi, little dude.” Nate picked at his lunch while Harry paced around the door and AJ sat at his feet. “I wonder if I should have harness trained you,” he said to his cat. “Would you like the grass under your toes? I bet Riley would.” He sighed and rinsed his dishes. Maybe he’d go outside for a bit. Of course that meant getting dressed because normal people didn’t just walk around in their pajamas all day.
A faint knock at the door startled him. He stood frozen in the kitchen, unsure of what to do. The knock came again, and Nate slowly made his way to the door. His heart raced along with the questions in his mind of who could be on the other side of the door. People from last night? Police? Troy?
He glanced out the peephole and had to do a double take. It was a man he didn’t know. Young, with red hair, wearing a hoodie and jeans. Nate unlocked the door and opened it, praying there wasn’t some sort of come to Jesus club searching out gays or something.
The young man was turned away, looking back at a small Prius parked in the driveway.
“Hello?” Nate asked.
The man turned back and smiled. “Hey! You’re Nate, right?” He was adorable. Young and attractive in the sort of way a certain new DC comic book superhero was. Nate suddenly felt
very old.
“I am.”
“I’m Bastian. Charlie’s…well, Charlie’s. We’re getting married in a few months but the concept of fiancé doesn’t really fit us. I think because it’s so old school and neither of us are at all traditional. He’s mentioned me, right?”
Nate instantly relaxed. This adorable little man was Charlie’s boyfriend. “The doll painter. Yes. We talked about you on our walk the other day.” Nate glanced down at himself realizing he was still in his pajamas, but at least he’d showered. “Would you like to come in?”
Bastian nodded. “Sure.” He lifted up a stack of boxes he carried, one of which was from the bakery. “I brought treats. Charlie said you’re on a special diet too, so I thought we could share and not feel bad we’re making the norms eat diet food.”
Nate felt himself smiling, and instantly liking Bastian. He held the door open, and closed it behind Bastian once he was inside. “Let me just run upstairs and put on normal clothes. It was sort of a long night.”
“No problem,” Bastian said. He put the stack of boxes down on the couch. AJ was at Nate’s feet again. “Oh my gosh, who is this pretty girl?” Bastian bent to pet her. Nate began to protest that AJ didn’t like to be touched by anyone but him, except his shy little girl rubbed up against Bastian and meowed, while looking at him adoringly. “Oh you’re so beautiful, aren’t you?” Bastian baby talked to her. “Big beautiful girl, built like a tank, aren’t you? Look at those giant eyes of yours. Oh my gosh.”
“Be right back,” Nate said, feeling a bit shocked that his cat had just instantly gone to another man. He hurried up the stairs and threw on the first pair of jeans and T-shirt he could find. Leo and Tuck were curled up on the bed together, nose to tail, looking like a fur-covered heart. He wondered where the twin terrors were. He hadn’t seen them in a while, but they did like to find sun-soaked corners to laze in all day when they weren’t racing from one end of the house to the other.
