by Lissa Kasey
He watched Luna get loaded into the van for the clinic. Jamie chatted with Graham and the police a few minutes longer before waving at Nate and turning away from the group. He held out a hand for Nate, which Nate took, and tugged him toward the truck.
Home. The thought ran in loops in Nate’s brain. The only thing that stuck. Home with Jamie and the critters. In the truck he slid over on the long bench seat, buckled his lap belt, and snuggled into Jamie’s side, turning his face so he could bury it in Jamie’s neck to breathe in his scent. Jamie started the truck, waved one last time to the scattering rescue crew, and drove them home.
The drive was silent. Early peeks of color began to show on the horizon. Nate tilted his head to rest on Jamie’s shoulder and tried really hard not to fall asleep. He wished they were home because Jamie couldn’t hold him while he drove.
And then they were home. Jamie pulled up in front of the house and Nate never felt so much relief. He unbuckled and slid out of the truck, waiting only a few seconds for Jamie to join him and grabbed his hand before they went inside together.
Getting ready for bed in separate rooms seemed silly now. But Nate put on his pajamas on autopilot. The cats were spread out between the two beds. Nate wasn’t about to try to move Riley as he snuggled the twin terrors. But he hoped they’d join him and Jamie for some sleep.
A wave of anxiety lapped through Nate when he realized he hadn’t taken his medication yet. Nearly twelve hours late. He took it in a hurry, praying he wouldn’t upset the schedule too much and throw himself back into crazy mode. But as he returned to Jamie’s room to find Jamie already in bed with the rest of the cats, the feeling faded under the heavy need for sleep.
Nate crawled in beside Jamie, not trying to stay on his side of the bed. Instead he used Jamie’s shoulder as a pillow and closed his eyes, listening for Jamie’s steady breathing and soothing heartbeat. One of the scariest nights of Nate’s life was over, and just like everything else, he had survived. He fell asleep to Jamie’s scent and Tuck’s chainsaw purr.
Nate jolted awake. A weakness in his limbs made his body heavy, so he lay there just trying to breathe. The edges of the dream still lingered. Not tangible enough to recall exactly, just a whisper of fear. Nate remembered the smell from the previous night. It clung to his nostrils as if he were still smelling it, though he knew he hadn’t when he’d gone to bed.
“What’s wrong?” Jamie asked, grumbling into Nate’s ear.
“Bad dream,” Nate said, not really sure what else to say as that was essentially the truth. “Do I smell? I feel like I smell like Jordan…”
“You don’t smell,” Jamie said.
The stench of filth and illness lingered. Nate closed his eyes and tried to will himself to fall back to sleep, but a vibration of anxiety in his hips had already taken hold and began to move upward. Within a few minutes his heart was racing, the panic attack teetering just on the edge of his subconscious, waiting to pounce.
He rolled out of bed. A glance at the clock said it was past one in the afternoon. At least they’d gotten some sleep. Maybe he could cook something for Jamie. Or walk Harry. Or run a mile. Anything to make his brain slow the fuck down and regulate his heartbeat.
Jamie didn’t move. He just stared at Nate with one visible eye, arm draped over Nate’s side of the bed.
“I can make you food,” Nate said.
“Come back to bed,” Jamie instructed.
“Can’t.” Nate paced.
Jamie rolled over and climbed out of bed. He looked exhausted still, and Nate felt horrible.
“Don’t get up! Sleep. I’ll go to my room and pace off the fidgets.”
Jamie walked past him into the bathroom and a moment later, Nate heard the water running. Not a sink, but more the heavy flow of a bath. Was Jamie getting up for the day? He entered the bathroom and was surprised how large it was. He tried to recall a time when he’d been in Jamie’s bathroom, but had been using his own to minimize any mess. Jamie’s had a huge walk-in shower with multiple shower heads and a separate large, jetted soaking tub. The counter of the two sinks appeared to be granite with cupboards full of drawers below.
“Wow, I got the short stick on the bathroom, eh?” Nate joked. Four of his bathroom could have fit in this room.
“Used to be a small bedroom, renovated it to this. Seems silly now because I never use all this space.” Jamie filled the bathtub with warm water. He poured in a bag of Epsom salt and the scent of lavender filled the room. Nate concentrated on sucking in deep breaths, and letting the floral tone ease him.
“Strip,” Jamie said. He stood up and pulled his shirt off, dropping it to the floor beside the tub.
“Um…” Nate said.
Jamie shook his head. “I don’t know what’s going on in your brain, but it’s wrong. It’s just you and me, right now. Forget what society has taught you to fear. Strip.” He dropped his pajama bottoms and shoved off his boxer briefs. Nate stared for a minute, brain trying to catch up to what was happening while taking into account that Jamie stood in front of him naked, shameless, beautiful.
He was in no way model perfect. Big-boned all around and a little extra padding in places, his skin pale and covered in light fuzz, he shouldn’t have set Nate’s motor running like it was. “Fuck,” Nate said. “How can you be so hot?”
Jamie stalked his way. Nate tried to keep focused on his face and not study his best friend’s cock. Jamie touched Nate’s face, tilting his chin so their lips could meet. “Strip,” Jamie instructed again between kisses.
Nate tugged off his top and dropped his pajama pants. He worried a little about losing the underwear but finally just decided that the worst that could happen was rejection, and he was already too keyed up on other things to focus on one more crazy thought. He wasn’t as big as Jamie in any way. And the stomach that used to be pudge was now loose skin covered in stretch marks. His thighs looked similar. The endless walking had been great for weight loss and clearing his head, but not much other than surgery could get rid of the loose skin. He’d seen worse when researching online, tried lots of creams and special exercise. Nothing helped.
Jamie sighed against Nate’s lips. “That’s better.”
“I want to be perfect for you,” Nate said. He felt tears burning his eyes.
“Don’t you get it yet? You are. That’s why we’re standing here. All of you is perfect for all of me. Can I spell that out any clearer?”
Nate gaped at him. “But…”
“I love you, Nathaniel Michael Granger. Do you understand?”
No. Nate shook his head. Jamie captured Nate’s face again and kissed him fiercely. “I’m sorry,” Nate whispered. “I love you too, I do. I just…” He started to look at himself, the weight of his depression crushing for a moment, but Jamie kissed him again.
“Just you and me here right now.”
“Yes,” Nate agreed.
“You don’t look at me and think I’m not good enough, do you? Compare me to Charlie maybe?”
“Of course not.” Men built like Charlie were rare. More art than reality, which made sense that he was in love with an artist.
“Then stop painting yourself with a one-colored brush,” Jamie said. “Don’t expect what you see is the same thing I see. And you know how much your brain can exacerbate things. Why do you take your impression of yourself as utter truth when you question everything else?”
Nate had no idea. He’d always just assumed—making an ass of himself of course—that his flawed, overworked brain was on par at least with its views of himself. Nate touched his stomach. “You don’t see this?”
“I do, but not in the same way you do.” Jamie sighed. “If you were writing a character in a story would he have to be perfect to find love?”
“No. They usually are, but it’s always been a pet peeve of mine.”
“Because it’s fiction. No one is that perfect. No one is really the hero. We’re all just average Joes stumbling our way through life.”
&n
bsp; “You are a hero,” Nate affirmed. “You saved Jordan and Luna last night.” Jamie had saved Nate too, even if it was from himself.
“I’m not a hero. The whole trek down and back all I could think about was you. A hundred ways things could go wrong. What if I didn’t find my way back? What if Jordan wasn’t as injured as he appeared to be and somehow hurt you? What if some animal attacked? What if you panicked and ran away from the camp? What if Jordan’s friends came back?” Jamie caressed Nate’s cheek and kissed each one. “I got a glimpse of what you experience every second of the day. The terror. The anxiety. The uncertainty. I hated it.”
“Sorry,” Nate whispered.
“Don’t be. Just understand that living with that…the constant bombardment of what could go wrong and a million scenarios trying to rewrite possibility? That’s a weight most people will never understand. I’d suffocate under it if I had to go through it every day like you do. You’re the hero, Nate. Despite having that stuff constantly poisoning your brain, you sat with Jordan and Luna. You were calm enough to be sleeping when I got there.” Jamie shook his head in amazement. “Your ability to survive astounds me. Now we have to work on your ability to thrive.” He tugged Nate toward the tub.
Nate followed, unsure of himself as he’d never been before. The younger years of running around and having sex with strangers had never been him. Mostly because he’d worked so hard to be independent that he’d spent every moment at a job or sleeping off the exhaustion from performing at a thousand percent. Then he met Jamie. He’d never thought about it before, but how long had he been comparing every man he met to Jamie? No one measured up. No one but Jamie was there for him all the time, made him laugh, or held him while he cried.
“I’m so crazy about you,” Nate muttered.
“It’s a good kind of crazy so I’ll go with it,” Jamie said. “And the feeling is mutual.” He got into the tub and sat down, directing Nate to sit in front of him. It took Nate a minute to adjust to the intense heat of the water. But when he did, he sank into the depths and breathed out a deep sigh. How hadn’t he realized he’d still been so cold? The heat defrosted his bones and Nate felt like jelly.
Jamie sat on a bench, and Nate eased himself down in front of him, perching on the edge. Jamie adjusted the water to ease the heat a little and turn off the jets. Then he wrapped his arms around Nate and nuzzled his face into Nate’s neck. Heaven, Nate thought. Jamie’s strength, warmth, and love surrounding him. The anxiety began to ease.
“Brain okay?” Jamie asked.
“Hmm,” Nate said. Alarm bells still going off because it’s what his head did best. “What if…”
“What if you just let me touch you and we see where it goes? We’re both in the bath, no shower to make you feel trapped, and we’ll both get clean. No smell. Whatever you were smelling. You just said you’re crazy about me. Let’s be crazy together.”
“You’re really smart,” Nate remarked.
“Smart-mouthed, as I’ve been told a time or two in my life.”
“Snarky,” Nate muttered. “Silly.”
“That’s okay,” Jamie said. He kissed along Nate’s neck and ran his fingers up and down Nate’s sides, over his ribs and up to the edge of his armpit. Tickling at first, but the slow drag growing more sensual each moment. Nate sighed when Jamie nuzzled his ear, kissing the edge of it.
“You’re good at this,” Nate said.
Jamie rubbed one of his furry legs against Nate’s outer thigh. Nate shivered. “This okay?” Jamie asked. He ran a hand in a slow circle across Nate’s chest, tracing around each nipple before sliding over the top and back again.
Nate had never thought of his nipples as all that sensitive. “Wow…”
Jamie repeated the action a few more times, adding his leg rubbing against Nate’s in a rhythm that had Nate hard as a rock. Nate slid back without thinking about it, and felt Jamie’s erection against his back and ass.
“This is real,” Nate said, more to himself than Jamie. He was in the bath with Jamie. Both of them hard. Jamie’s hands all over him. It wasn’t a fantasy or some erotic dream he’d wake up from. “You’re really here.”
“I am,” Jamie said. “Was wondering when you’d clue in.”
“Little slow sometimes,” Nate admitted. He turned his head to capture Jamie’s lips with his in a sweet kiss. Their duel lasted a while, lips chasing each other in a delicate dance. Nate gasped when Jamie’s hand wrapped around his cock, sliding up and down the length with a firm fist.
“Okay?” Jamie asked.
More than okay. Holy fuck. “Yes.” Desire pulsed through his veins. He couldn’t remember sex ever feeling this good. Or ever feeling this safe. Jamie slid his free hand down to stroke Nate’s nipples. It was a mash of sensation, his body awakening in ways Nate had never experienced before.
Jamie’s hips rocked slowly against Nate’s ass, adding a gentle friction that sent Nate’s head spinning. He gasped into Jamie’s lips, body singing with sensation. Years of numb disinterest chiseled away by the one man Nate had never dared to hope to claim. Jamie’s grip tightened, eased, twisted, and caressed finding a rhythm that made Nate squirm.
“Good,” Jamie asked into Nate’s lips.
“Yes,” Nate hissed. So good.
“Don’t fight it,” Jamie instructed. “You fight everything. You’re here with me. Safe. Just let go.” Nate had to work hard to do just that. His body was keyed up and coiled into muscles clenched in tension, fighting letting go. He leaned back, giving Jamie his weight, and willing his muscles to ease. The pleasure intensified. Nate closed his eyes, breathing in Jamie’s kiss until Nate cried out and came.
Stars and flashes of light echoed behind his eyes like the creation of a universe. His whole body zinging with pleasure, the warm flow of water almost too much against his skin. His heart raced, but in a good way. He trembled in Jamie’s arms, and that was okay. Jamie eased his grip on Nate’s cock, hands sliding down to grasp his hips instead. Nate felt the pace of Jamie’s hips quicken and reached back to tilt Jamie’s head for a deeper kiss.
Nate devoured Jamie’s sounds of pleasure, pressed his hips backward, adding to the drag. Jamie’s strong arms tightened around Nate’s middle as Jamie came, mouth gaping as he struggled to catch his breath. He folded forward, enclosing Nate in a bear hug, then blew a raspberry on Nate’s shoulder. Nate laughed, feeling lighter and more relaxed.
“Brat,” Nate said.
“Sure. ‘Cause it’s my fault you’re so cute.”
Nate shook his head.
Jamie kissed his cheek. “How about we get some food and take Harry for a walk? I can hear him bouncing around the backyard looking for attention.”
“Okay,” Nate agreed. The release made him tired, and that was okay because his brain slowed down with the exhaustion. “Not too far though.”
“Food first,” Jamie asserted. “We need the protein.”
Chapter 25
They ate some lettuce-wrapped sandwiches and fruit, then took Harry for a walk into town. Nate didn’t think twice about reaching out to take Jamie’s hand as they walked. Harry bounced along beside them. The town was pretty quiet in the late afternoon hours, or perhaps it was because it was a Sunday afternoon. Even the firehouse appeared silent and still, though Nate knew it was always staffed and likely someone was inside in case of an emergency.
“Did you ever hear from Troy?” Nate asked Jamie as they passed the grocery store.
“No,” Jamie said. He paused to pull his phone out of his pocket and glance at it. “Sort of got distracted. I’ll text him again.”
Nate felt a blush stain his face and tugged Jamie forward. “Can we stop at the vet and make sure Luna is okay?”
“Of course.”
Nate waved at Angel who glanced up from the open door of the bakery. She waved back. Travis was waiting tables outside at the diner though there were only a handful of people sitting outside. He waved as well. Nate waved back feeling at peace. Harry danced along l
ike he didn’t have a care in the world. Nate wasn’t even paying attention to the path in front of them when someone stepped into their path. Jamie put his arm around Nate and pulled him back.
Nate looked up to find Jamie’s father-in-law, the owner of the hardware store, in front of them. A giant ball of fiery anxiety formed in Nate’s stomach. He gripped Jamie’s hand.
“Is this how you treat Dana’s memory?” the man demanded. Hank. Jamie had said his father-in-law’s name was Hank.
“About like you treated it?” Jamie asked. “Taking all my photos of her and her things, then demanding I sell you the house for a fraction of what it was worth?”
Nate’s heart skipped a beat. His mind reeled. Was that why there was nothing on the walls in the house? Not because Jamie had failed to decorate, but because Dana’s family had stripped the house of everything? He gripped Jamie’s hand tighter. Jamie wrapped his arm around Nate, pulling him in for a sideways hug. “Why don’t you take Harry ahead to the vet, and I’ll meet you there,” Jamie said to Nate.
Nate hesitated. He didn’t want to leave Jamie with this jerk.
“It’s okay,” Jamie said. He didn’t look upset. “I’ve had ten years to deal with this. No reason you have to. Go check on Luna. I’ll be there in a minute.” Jamie let Nate go, and gave him a little shove to get moving. Harry bounced on, tugging on the harness, likely because now he saw the vet’s office and knew he’d get treats. Nate frowned but walked away, trying hard not to linger on the angry words he could hear behind him.
“You obviously never loved my girl,” Hank accused.
“I’m not having this conversation with you again,” Jamie said. “She’s gone. I was there with her when she took her last breath. Where were you? Right. Off at some tool conference despite knowing the fact that your daughter was dying. And it was more than ten years ago. I’m tired of living with that shadow over me. I miss her. Loved her like crazy, but she’s gone and I’m still here. No one but me gets to say when and how I move on.”
