“What did you talk about?”
I sit watching his handsome face struggle before he can speak again. “He's not as bad as I thought he was. I should apologise to you for calling him a meathead.”
“I see. What led you to that conclusion?”
“We talked about you. How important you and your happiness are to both of us. He opened my eyes to a few things, and I guess we kind of have… an understanding now.”
“An understanding? What does that mean?” Where does it leave us?
“Well,” he says, frowning before he swallows. “We want you to be happy.” He pauses and locks eyes with me for a moment. “With him.”
“What are you saying?” I shake my head, confused.
“I’m saying… he’s a good guy. I think he’s perfect for you, actually. I was wrong about him and Beth. He’s…” He groans a little as he rubs a hand through his damp hair. “I’d date him if I was a chick.” He laughs and flashes me a half smile. “I think he’s the one guy you’ve dated who’s actually good enough for you.”
My heart practically stops beating, caught in my throat because none of this feels like making up. It feels…it feels like closure.
“Where does this leave us?” I ask in a whisper.
“I don’t know, Trina.” He turns his head away slightly, a look of sorrow in his eyes. It makes me nervous.
“But…I need you, David. You’re my best friend.” It comes out hoarse, laced with tears that threaten to spill from my eyes.
He sighs and takes my hand in his, stroking his thumb over it lightly as he speaks to it instead of me. “When Christopher hurt you, it made me realise how…important, you were—are—to me. I should have said something sooner, but I was waiting…and I waited too long. God, it’s so hard watching you move on. I thought I’d know when it was time, but whenever I opened my mouth, the fear—the fucking fear—crawled up my throat and stopped the words.” He stops and blows out his breath.
“What are saying?”
He looks at me with panicked eyes, a fine layer of sweat coating his skin. “I don’t think I can handle you dating anymore, baby girl. I feel horrible whenever I see or think about you with him, with anyone. And… I know it’s too late. I don’t know what to do about it.”
“I don’t understand. Are you saying we can’t go back to being friends again? I miss you, David. I'm lonely without you.” I can feel myself shaking, so scared that whatever is happening between us can’t be fixed.
“I’m glad you’re with someone like Elliot. He’s a decent guy. But I’m struggling here, Trina. It’s hard for me to be around you.” He bites his lip. “Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”
“No, David. I don’t understand any of this.” Tears fill my eyes, and it takes all of my self-control not to let them spill out.
He reaches up and cups my cheek in his hand, gently caressing my skin. “Can’t you hear me, Trina? I keep telling you. But you’re not getting it.” He leans in close and presses his forehead against mine while letting out a shaky breath. “I’m in love with you.” He presses his lips softly against mine, holding for just a moment before he pulls away and stands as if he’s about to leave.
My heart explodes in my chest at the shock of his confession. No. No. This isn’t possible. He said he only loves me as a friend. That we could could never… because he didn’t… oh God.
My tears fall. “You love me?” I force out, shaking and confused. “Now? After all this time?” I press my hand to my chest. “All this pain?” I can barely see through my tears. “Now you love me? Now?” No. I just got over you.
“I know. It’s shitty timing. I should have made it clear earlier. But I didn’t want to risk ruining what we have—”
“Don’t, David.” I hold up my hand. “Don’t use that excuse when you ruined us, anyway.”
“I was scared, Trina. I didn’t trust myself with you. I thought I’d fuck it up, freak out with you like I do with every girl who gets too close. But I’ve already lost you. I’ve fucked us up without even giving us a chance.”
I shake my head. “How long have you felt this way?”
He runs his hands through his hair and lets out his breath. “Always, I think. But I’ve been sure since the attack, when I thought I’d lost you...”
“And you’ve waited a year? Waited until I’ve finally moved on to tell me this? What are you doing, David? Why are you confusing things? I thought you just wanted to be friends. You’re the one who always said that friends are better than lovers. We’re in this mess because of you!” My voice becomes shrill as I spring to my feet, my body shaking, ears ringing. I can’t face this. I’ve worked so hard on accepting a life without having him, and now that I’m finally in a relationship with a guy who makes me happy, he’s put a bomb under us. What am I supposed to do here? Dump Elliot for David when I swore to him there was nothing between us? Am I supposed to ruin something good on the off-chance David finally has his shit together and can give me what I want? Am I supposed to jump at the click of his fingers and forgive him for years of pain and feelings of worthlessness?
What do I do with this information?
My head feels set to explode.
It feels too late.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I know what I said, and I know I’ve led you to believe everything was still the same between us, but it isn’t. It hasn’t been the same for a long time.”
I shake my head, struggling to believe his words. This is what he does. He wants me when he can’t have me, but when I’m available his interest wanes. I can’t keep playing these games. “So, let me get this straight—you’ve been in love with me forever? You’ve been sure for a whole year? But you’ve been fucking other women the entire time?” I demand, remembering all the comments, the nights he left me to meet someone else.
He shakes his head and meets my eyes. “I haven’t slept with anyone since your accident. I couldn’t. I only wanted you. I…” His gaze waivers. “I didn’t touch anyone else until Beth.”
My hand flies to my stomach as a sickness rises in my throat. “Until Beth? You actually slept with her?” I can hardly breathe, I’d been hoping I was wrong. “When?”
“That night at Pontoon. When I found out you left without me, I’d missed the last train and…” He doesn’t finish, just lets the rest of it hang in the air so I can figure it out for myself. He lied.
I nod, my jaw set in frustration. “You went back to her place, didn’t you?”
“Yes.”
“And one thing led to another, and now… you’re dating her? Is that why she’s been so smug with me in the office?”
He doesn’t answer. But I know it’s the truth, I can read it in his eyes.
“Then why are you here?” I yell. “Why did you walk through the rain and climb through my window? Why did you kiss me and tell me you love me when it’s all too fucking late?” Each word gets louder until my voice is vibrating in my ears, scratching at my throat.
“Because I needed to know,” he shoots back.
“Know what?” I screech. Then he grabs me.
He grabs me either side of my face and kisses the ever-loving crap out of me, his tongue pushing past my lips and taking control of mine. And fucked if I don’t respond, grabbing his neck and taking my anger out on his mouth, my whole body buzzing and out of control. It’s a violent clash of teeth and emotion that ends when I place my hands on his shoulders and push him away.
“You can’t do this, David!” I wipe at my angry tears. “You can’t come in here and do that when I’m dating someone else. When you’re dating someone else. You had months to make this happen. Years. And you’re choosing the one time we’re both in relationships? How can I believe this is real? How can I trust you not to break my heart again?”
Agonised in his movement, he digs both of his hands into his hair then lets them fall to his sides as his eyes shine. “You can’t,” he forces out. “You can’t trust this because I don’t even trust my f
ucking self.”
“Then why are you here?” I screech through my tears, chest shaking with my sobs.
“To say goodbye. To put an end to what we are once and for all. I can’t be the man you need, Trina. I never could. But I can’t be your friend anymore either. It hurts us both too damn much.”
“Fuck you,” I cry, stepping back and shaking my head. “Fuck you, David. Fuck you for every day, for every moment. I wish I never met you. I wish you never sat next to me on that bus.” He’s exploding my world, shaking my foundation. This is a life we built together, brick by brick at his instruction. Now he’s tearing it down and I wish we’d never started. I’ll never find my heart beneath the rubble. He’s ruined me.
“I’m sorry.” He wipes a tear that streaks down his face.
“Fuck your sorry.”
“This is the right thing to do,” he murmurs, lifting an arm like he’s about to touch me but doesn’t. “You’ll understand someday. When you’re happily married and have a couple of kids who are beautiful just like you, you’ll look back and think, ‘Thank fuck he left. He was only holding me back.’”
A noisy sob bursts painfully from my chest as I cover my face with my hands. I can’t imagine ever feeling happy again.
He leans in and brushes his lips against my hair and inhales. “Good bye, Trina,” he whispers.
When I hear the front door click shut, my legs can’t hold me up anymore. I drop on the couch, crying through this pain, a pain so deep, so intense, I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. A year ago, Christopher broke my body. But David just destroyed my heart. Not even time can heal that.
Twenty-Six
“Here,” Mum says, offering me a folded up wash cloth. “Put this over your eyes. It’ll help with the swelling.”
Taking the cold compress from her hands, I lie back on my bed and place it over my eyes, sending the room black. “Thanks, Mum.”
She gives my forearm a squeeze then quietly leaves my room. When she got home late yesterday afternoon, she found me a snivelling mess in my pit of despair that seemed too enormous for me to climb out of. But she pulled me back up. Sat with me and listened to my broken sentences, my confused words while she made me tea and stroked my hair. What I appreciated most was that she didn’t offer me solutions. She just heard me out and told me I was the strongest person she’s ever known. “I expect you to keep fighting,” she said. Which is exactly what I plan to do.
As soon as my face looks normal again. Why can’t I be a pretty crier?
Blindly reaching over to my bedside table, I grab my phone with a plan to put on some calming music so I can meditate and get my mind thinking straight again.
David and I are through. It hurts like a bitch, but we’ve been fighting on and off for the last couple of months. With our emotions clashing so much, there isn’t a hell of a lot for us to do besides call it quits. I always wanted him to give me the world, and he always called me that. I suppose in a way this is him delivering. His version of giving me the world is giving me my life back. But it’s a life that doesn’t have him in it.
Just the thought brings a prickle to my eyes.
I wish he could see himself for the man I’ve always known. He’s so much more than his father taught him he was, so much more than his own self-deprecating mind gives him credit for. I’m really going to miss him.
But maybe this is for the best. If he can admit he loves me, but still can’t bring himself to fight for me then what is there left for us? Nothing.
Before I get the chance to select my music, my phone lights up in my hand, vibrating along with Elliot’s ringtone.
“Hello there, Evan,” I say, my voice sounding a little croaky as I put the handset near my ear.
He chuckles. “I’m still in your phone as Evan?”
I’m surprised when my lips manage to form a smile. “Sure are.”
“I was calling to see how your race went. I looked up the results but couldn’t find your name.”
“That’s because I didn’t get to race.”
“Shit. What happened?”
“Airport closure. The winds were too strong, and they grounded the planes.”
“Are you serious? So, you didn’t even leave Sydney?”
“Nope. Came right home and spent a depressive evening watching Netflix with Mum and Dad.” It’s not a complete lie. I simply leave out the part where David came to visit and ripped my heart out of my chest and crushed it in his bare hand.
“I’m really sorry you missed your race, beautiful. I know how much you were looking forward to it. Although, I wish you’d called me. I could’ve made your night a lot less depressing.”
I place my hand across my eyes, pressing the cool of the washcloth against my cry-sore eyelids. “I’ve no doubt. I think spending the night with you would have been a million times better. But I was exhausted yesterday. We waited at the airport for ages then I was so disappointed that all I wanted to do was zone out.”
“What about tonight? Are you too tired to come and see me?”
My heart starts beating faster, and I hesitate, unsure what to say to him. How do I explain my swollen eyes? How do I explain the fact that David kissed me yesterday, and I kissed him back? Do I even tell him that? I mean, if David and I are truly over, does Elliot need to know?
I don’t know.
“Don’t rush to answer,” he jokes with a slight laugh.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I’ve just got myself in a bit of a funk.” Another truth. Is avoiding the details still lying?
“All the more reason to come out with me. I’m meeting up with some friends at a nightclub tonight. You should come. We can drink too much and fuck each other’s brains out. You can’t be in a funk during a good fuck, Katrina.”
A laugh bursts out of me. “You should make inspirational posters with doozeys like that.”
“What I’m hearing is that I’ve inspired you. Does that mean you’re coming?”
I sit up and pull the cloth from my face, looking in the mirror at my red eyes and puffy face. I suppose a good layer of makeup can cover that up. “Why not,” I concede with a smile. “Where should I meet you?”
“I’ll text you the details,” he said, happiness in his words. “I can’t wait to see you.”
“Me too,” I say as we disconnect, and I press my phone to my chest on a sigh. I think he’s the one guy you’ve dated who’s actually good enough for you.
David’s words echo inside my head as I suck in a deep breath.
He expects me to fall in love and be happy without him.
Mum expects me to keep fighting.
And I…I don’t know what I want. But I know I don’t want to keep being sad. I want to feel something.
I want to be wanted.
Elliot wants me.
Pulling my desk chair out so I’m sitting directly in front of my mirror, I dig through my makeup bag and line up everything I think I’ll need. Then I pull up YouTube and search for tutorials on how to create the perfect smoky eye.
You can’t be in a funk during a good fuck.
“Be in the moment, Katrina. Elliot will make you happy,” I whisper to my reflection, forcing myself to believe it. No more crying over things I can’t have.
* * *
“Wow,” Elliot says, a massive grin on his face as he walks towards me when I exit the station. “You look gorgeous.”
After spending all afternoon working on my makeup. I straightened my hair and put on my black dress covered with small red printed flowers. It has a fitted bodice and a loose flowing skirt that ends just above mid-thigh. I think it’s very feminine and great for showing off my legs. I’ve topped it off with a pair of red strappy heels and do a little twirl and curtsy in front of him.
“You smell good too,” he says, taking me in his arms and kissing my neck. I like the soft brush of his stubble as it grazes my skin. When you’re happily married and have a couple of kids who are beautiful just like you, you’ll look back and think, �
�Thank fuck he left. He was only holding me back.’
“You’re looking pretty gorgeous yourself,” I say, trying to force my mind quiet as I smooth my hands over his rock-hard chest. I inhale, filling my nose with his manly scent. I need this. He wants me.
“This old thing,” he jokes. “I threw it on in the dark.” He’s wearing dark denim jeans that hug his arse and his package perfectly and an emerald green shirt, sleeves rolled up, showing off his delicious forearms. I can’t help but run my hands down his arms to feel the rise and fall of each muscle with my fingertips.
“I think we had better get going before I take you in a dark corner and fuck you publicly,” he growls into my ear, causing excitement to bubble in my belly.
“I wouldn’t stop you,” I whisper, nipping lightly on the soft part of his ear and I focus on the way his hands wander over my skin.
I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep watching you self-destruct the way you do.
“You’re bad.” He chuckles, his fingers pressing into the curve of my arse. “Where’s your purse?”
“I don’t need one. My ID’s in my bra along with my emergency money and ATM card.”
He laughs and shakes his head. “I’ll have to remember that later.”
Taking my hand, Elliot leads me through the city streets, talking a little about work since I haven’t been there for a couple of weeks as well as telling me about his friends. “You’ll meet Gary and his girl, Stephanie. I’ve known them both since uni. They’re going to love you.”
“I like that you’re so sure.”
He squeezes my hand and flashes me his perfect smile. “What’s not to love?” He’s a good guy. I think he’s perfect for you.
By the time we make it to the nightclub, I’ve lost track of where we are. We’ve wound our way between some buildings and now we’re heading past a crowded line waiting to get in a door with no sign.
“Is this one of those cool clubs you only hear about?”
He flashes me another grin. “That’s exactly what this is.”
Beautiful Boxset: Beautiful Series, books 1-4 Page 22
