“I’m fine. That was just really awkward. Elliot looked at me like I had two heads and I think Paige hates me,” I return, looking out the window at the passing scenery.
“Baby girl, it wasn’t that bad.”
“Yes it was,” I grumble. “Then on top of that, everyone’s asking why we aren’t married yet. I wish they’d mind their own business.”
Pressing his lips together, David lets out a heavy sigh. “Listen Trina, you can’t blame them. We’ve been engaged for nearly two years. Even I thought we’d be married by now.”
“I know, but work – ”
“Work is full-on – I know. But, so is mine. I don’t understand why you keep putting it off.”
David
“I’m not putting it off,” she argues, her voice rising defensively.
“Well who is then?” There’s an accusation in my words as I challenge her comment.
I’m met with silence and it stays that way for the rest of the drive home. The radio is playing, but I don’t really feel like humming along, or even listening to it. I’m actually pretty pissed off.
I know in my heart that Trina and I are meant to be together. For me, she’s always been the one. She’s the only relationship I’ve ever wanted.
Although seeing her today, the way she was so nervous about what her ex and his family and friends would think of her - really bothered me.
I think over the day, and I keep seeing how she smiled and laughed once she and Elliot got over that initial awkwardness from seeing each other again. It was as if the rest of the group wasn’t even there. I stood by having nothing much to add to the conversation and I really hated it.
It makes me wonder if she feels as destined to be with me as I do with her. It makes me doubt us.
I park the car in the underground garage and get out. I wait for Trina, but I walk a step ahead of her, as we make our way to the lift that will take us upstairs to our apartment.
When I open the door, she steps inside first out of habit and I follow, immediately turning left and entering our home office.
“You want a drink or something?” she asks, like nothing has happened and everything is normal, as she heads towards the kitchen.
“No thank you. I have some work to do,” I say and close the door of the office behind me.
I’m working for maybe 10 minutes before she comes in looking for me.
“Listen, about today, I’m sorry, ok? It was all just really weird for me,” she informs me. I’m glad she’s recognising that I’m annoyed. But she’s only addressing her feelings. What about me?
“Don’t you think it was weird for me too?” I shoot back, turning around in the desk chair to face her. “You used to love this guy. How do you think going there made me feel? How do you think standing there while you two caught up and had a great time felt?”
She plays with the corner of the bookcase and drops her eyes. “I wasn’t having a great time.” She says quietly. “I wish we didn’t go.”
“Why do you wish we didn’t go Trina? Because it reminded you how much you still like Elliot? Because people actually expected that you could possibly be married by now? Or - do you wish you just didn’t go there with me?”
“Of course not. None of that’s true. Why would you think I wouldn’t want to go there with you? Why would you think that I’m still attracted to Elliot? I don’t see him like that anymore!”
“Then why did we have to go? Those people are nobody to us. Kathy is your mum’s friends not ours. We could have just said no.”
“But she invited us herself. We go to every other BBQ she puts on. I didn’t think this one should be any different. I didn’t think we should be rude.”
“Who gives a fuck if they think we’re rude? Just admit you wanted to see him again!”
“It’s not like that” she argues “I promise you I don’t feel anything for him anymore.”
“Then marry me Trina. Let’s runaway. We’ll go to Vegas. We’ll go to Hawaii - anywhere we can get married straight away. Let’s just go, get married, and fuck everybody else. Please. I’m tired of waiting.”
“No David. I don’t want to do that.”
“You don’t want to run away or you don’t want to get married?”
She hesitates a little and suddenly my stomach turns sour and, my world starts to cave in.
“Answer really carefully Trina,” I caution, dreading what’s about to come out of her mouth. When she responds with an open mouth that moves with the shapes of words she’s too afraid to say, my hand fly up and grip either side of my head. “Oh my God. You don’t even want to get married do you? That’s why you keep putting it off! You don’t even want to fucking get married.”
I start pacing the floor, completely disbelieving of what’s going on with us right now.
“I…I do… I just…”
“Just what Trina?! Just what?”
“I…I don’t know?”
“Holy fuck! Why the hell did you even say yes then? Oh my god. I can’t believe this!” I grab my keys off the desk and move past her. “Fuck!” I yell as I storm out the door. I need some fresh air.
Katrina
Shit, shit, shit. I’ve just screwed this up so badly.
One barbecue. One stupid barbecue and everything just falls apart. I knew we shouldn’t have gone. I should have listened to my gut.
But why did I go? Why did we both go? I guess for me, I felt like I had to because Kathy asked me directly. I was over at mums having coffee and she and Kathy had played a tennis match earlier that day. Kathy was raving on and on about how excited she was that Elliot was coming back, and that he was bringing Paige and baby Grace.
She said that they were going to throw a big barbecue to welcome them home, and that she’d love it if we could all come. She even took me by my hands and specifically said that she’d love it if I could make it. I felt like I had to say yes – how could I say no?
On top of that, I guess I was curious. I had only seen photos of Paige and I really wanted to meet her. I wanted to meet the girl who Elliot was happy to chase around the world. But it wasn’t about me. It was never about me.
David didn’t take the news very well, obviously he didn’t want to go and really, I don’t blame him. While he and Elliott had come to an understanding when I was dating Elliott, they’ve never actually spoken since I David and I got together.
All my life, it’s always been David. I loved him for so long, but there came a point where I resigned myself to just being his friend. I was ok with that. As long as he was in my life, I could handle anything.
When I got hurt and David saved me, he became my world. It would have been so easy to turn our friendship into something more then, but I kind of felt as though he felt sorry for me and my pride took a big hit.
I guess I pushed him away back then. I forced him to stay at an arm’s length. There were little things that he’d do, that when I look back now, made it really obvious that he wanted more from me. He made innuendos, he touched me more than normal and he tried to tell me how he was feeling, but I know I didn’t let him. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want the reason we got together to be laced with the pain of what Christopher had done to me. I needed to find myself again first.
Then I met Elliot. There was this great attraction between us and it was the first time I was ready to act on my feelings. David took it all really badly. I confronted him. More than once I confronted him. Secretly, I just wanted him to say ‘because I’m in love with you.” I wanted that so much, whether I admitted that to myself at the time or not. In my heart, all I’ve ever wanted was for David to love me, but still, he said nothing.
I think the reason I threw myself into the relationship with Elliot was because I was so lost without David. We had gone to being a constant in each other’s lives to not talking at all, and I felt like I had this great gaping hole inside me. I think I used Elliot to fill that hole. We were never right for each other. Even when Elliot and I did break up, the one
thing that had me crying the most – was that I didn’t have David to hold me and tell me everything would be alright.
When everything finally came to a head, it was as if the stars had finally decided to line up for us. We were meant to be. I always knew we were meant to be.
I still get shivers down my spine when I think about the moment he told me he loves me. Every time he says it, it fills me up. It lifts me up and carries me through my days.
I need to speak to him. He has to understand. I want him. I’ll always want him.
Picking up my phone, I press the picture of his beautiful face to call him. But, it goes straight to voicemail.
You know who you called, leave a message. I’ll call you back.
“David. Please call me. Come home. I love you.”
Five
David
“So you had a fight. It’s not the first one and it certainly won’t be the last,” my mother says from across the table. Her partner, Alex, comes over with steaming mugs of coffee for all of us.
“Here you go mate,” he says as he places it in front of me. He kisses my mother on the top of her head as he takes the seat next to her, and they share an intimate smile.
I really like Alex. He’s been living with my mother for a little over a year now. They started dating not long after me and Trina moved out together. I’m glad my mother found someone. She has given herself wholeheartedly to me as a mother, and it’s about time she focused on her own happiness - even if I am here whining about my own.
“But she doesn’t want to marry me. What’s the point of being together if we aren’t going to get married?” I complain.
“Well, Alex and I aren’t exactly planning on marrying any time soon. We’ve both been down that road before. Living together has all the benefits of marriage, without any of the legal ownership,” she explains.
“Ownership? That’s how you see marriage – as owning each other?” I frown. I had never thought of it like that at all.
“Well, yeah. Marriage changes things David. People talk like it’s just a piece of paper, but it’s not. It’s an institution.”
“Yeah, a mental one,” Alex laughs and my mum joins in.
I shake my head disbelievingly. “I can’t believe you two. What is wrong with getting married? I don’t want to own her. I love her and I want to be legally joined with her for the rest of my life. I don’t see what’s wrong with that. “
My mum reaches across the table and pats my hand. “There’s nothing wrong with it honey. But you both have to want it for the same reasons. Go home and talk to her. Give her time to explain instead of stomping off in a huff.”
Katrina
When I hear the lock turn in the door, I stand immediately. He’s home.
“You came back,” I say.
“Of course I came back,” he tells me, dropping his keys on the hall table.
“Can we talk?” I ask. He nods his response and I incline my head toward the couch. He comes and sits beside me. “Did you go to your mums?”
“Yeah. I needed someone to talk to.”
“You could have stayed and talked to me.”
“I was too angry. I needed to cool down and make sense of everything.”
“Fair enough.”
He’s clearly agitated. He won’t sit back comfortably. Instead, he’s leaning forward, his elbows on his knees as he bounces his foot vigorously.
“Can you just tell me exactly why you don’t want to get married?” he asks focusing on his hands as he clasps them in the space between his knees.
“It’s not even that David. I do want to get married. It’s just that there’s so much I want to do first. I want to have a career. I want to make sure we can afford something wonderful. I want it to be special. Not some slap-dash thing we do because we feel like we have to.
“And I’m a little scared. Part of the reason I felt so strange today was because I was freaked out by everyone getting married and having kids so suddenly. I mean - what if I had stayed with Elliot? Would I be a stay at home mum by now too? I want to make partner someday David. How am I going to do that married with kids?”
“Getting married isn’t going to stop you from making partner.”
“Says the man in the relationship. The women who are partners in my office are well into their forty’s when they get there, and they either don’t have kids or had them after they made it.”
“So you want to have kids when you’re forty? What if that’s too late?”
“I don’t know. We’ll figure it out. What if we decide we don’t want kids?”
“Are you serious? But, we’ve spoken about life with kids before. I thought we were on the same page.”
“And what page is that?”
“Get married, set ourselves up with a house and a solid career and then have kids.”
“David. How am I going to plan a wedding, then be a mother and have a solid career?”
“Plenty of women do it Trina. My own mother did it.”
“I know she did David. And I admire how she’s always managed to juggle work and family. But she’s a counsellor David. You know how competitive our industry is. You work at a much bigger firm than I do. Out of all the partners, how many are women?”
“I don’t know. A couple.” I concede. “But Trina, that means nothing. If you want to make partner you work hard and go for it. Kids or not. I’m not even interested in being a partner. I couldn’t give a fuck about that. If you need to work to make it, then I’ll do all the kids’ stuff. We’re a team. We don’t have to be traditional. Having kids doesn’t mean your career is finished.”
“Oh god, why are we arguing about kids? I don’t even know if I want them!”
“Seriously? I can’t believe you don’t want kids?!”
“I don’t know, but I definitely don’t want them yet. We have to be married first and to do that we need…” I stop speaking. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.
He blows out a steady breath and rubs his fingertips across his temple. “Need what?”
I shake my head quickly from side to side. I’m not willing to speak the words. It’s all too ridiculous.
“Shit Trina,” he says, swiping his hand down his face. “You’re making it sound like getting married and having a family with me is going to ruin your life.”
“That’s not what I mean. I don’t believe that.”
“Will you please set a date then?”
“I can’t. The wedding can’t happen yet.”
“Why? Why can’t it happen?”
“It… It just can’t ok. Certain things have to be in place and they’re not. We can’t get married yet!”
“Alright,” he says getting up from the couch. Don’t tell me. That’s fine. You can have your career. Your secrets – whatever. But you’d better give me the ring back. I can’t imagine being engaged is helping your career options either.” His face is dead serious as he holds out his hand. I look from the ring to his hand, to his face. I think my heart just stopped beating.
David
“No,” she chokes out, shaking her head from side to side as her eyes glisten with tears. “No. I won’t.”
“Well what’s the point?!” I yell, my heart thudding through my ears, my mind in turmoil. “You don’t want to get married, and you don’t know if you want to have kids. What’s the fucking point Katrina?!
“You say you love me. You say you want to spend the rest of your life with me but as what? A successful attorney? That’s not who we are Trina. We’re supposed to be a couple first – before everything – WE, should come first.”
“I want to marry you. I want to marry you now. I want to have a family with you. It doesn’t have to be straight away, but it does have to be before we’re both too old to enjoy our children. What’s the point of having this great career and working our arses off if we don’t have a family to share it with?”
She looks down at her ring and twists it around her finger. I hear a slight sniffle
as she fights her tears. She hates crying, and I hate feeling like I’ve made her cry. But we need to deal with this.
“I want to marry you too David. And I do want kids with you. I really do. I didn’t mean anything I said.”
“Then what the fuck are we fighting about?”
She closes her eyes, her face slightly furrowed as she lets out a great sigh. “The wedding,” she reveals.
“The wedding?”
“Yes,” she strangles out. Her pleading eyes meet mine. What’s going on?
I hold up my hands and scrunch my face in confusion. “What? I’m lost here Trina. I need more information.”
She closes her eyes and tears start to fall down her cheeks. “I… I don’t know enough people to invite to our wedding!” she wails as she puts her hands in her face and bursts into tears.
Six
Katrina
I can’t believe I just said that out loud. It sounds so ridiculous. But it’s true. Besides David, I don’t have many friends.
In high school, David and I kind of broke off from all of our groups when rumours and bitchiness got too much for us. From that point on, it just became he and I against the world - which has worked fantastically for us so far, but it doesn’t create much of a wedding party and doesn’t give us any guests besides family and a few work colleagues.
I feel like such a loser.
“What do you mean? You have your family and some of the girls from work don’t you?” David asks, his voice suddenly calm and soothing as he wipes at my tears. “Don’t cry baby girl. I’m sorry for yelling. We can work this all out. It’ll be ok. Just talk to me.”
“You are my best friend David,” I sniffle. “You. That means no maid of honour. No bridesmaids. No wedding party. I mean we don’t even know anyone with a little girl that we could use as a flower girl!” I cry, my tears start flowing all over again. I feel like such an idiot, but I can’t seem to stop. I’ve been avoiding this wedding for two years and now my excuses aren’t working. I have to be honest – no matter how stupid it sounds.
Beautiful Boxset: Beautiful Series, books 1-4 Page 114
