by Eden Beck
“Thank you so much Wills, for thinking of it. I’m so lucky to have you. I find myself wishing in my heart of hearts that I could spend the holidays with him instead. I know there will be more holidays, but somehow, missing just this one makes me ache.
We finish dinner as our conversation goes to other things, and when we’re done, we clear the table. I take his hand and pull him to me, kissing him softly.
“Stay the night with me?” I ask in a whisper, looking up at him. All this time I was looking forward to being alone, away from my new family before they can smother me. Now I can’t imagine falling asleep without Wills by my side.
Wills smiles and nods, running his fingers over my cheek. “I was hoping you’d ask me that.”
I grin and walk with him to my bed, and the rest of the night is lost in sweet, passionate kisses, skin, and ecstasy. There’s no one else who means to me what my boys mean to me, and I can’t ever see that changing.
It is one thing, at least, that I hope stays the same.
Chapter 8
Christmas Eve comes and I drive through snowy roads in the bright midday light back to the massive White home. I agonized over what to get them for Christmas because they literally have everything, and that doesn’t leave much for me to give them.
I’d thought about how Ellen seems to draw a parallel between Sadie and me, and about all the photos and paintings of her daughter around the house. I decided that the best thing to give them would be a professional photograph of me. It’s kind of creepy, and I felt like a total weirdo at the store getting it done, but I think she’ll like it.
I have low-to-moderate hopes that if there’s a photo of me at their house and Ellen looks at it from time to time, she’ll start to see me as myself instead of as Sadie. Differential would be nice. I’m glad that I remind her of her daughter, but I’m not there to replace her daughter, and I want to set that tone as soon as possible.
I guess I was expecting their house to be decked out to the nines for Christmas, but the White home is barren of décor save for a wreath hanging on the front door. I expected more, I guess. Nothing so gaudy as blow-up snowmen in the yard and fake icicles hanging from the roof, but maybe just … something.
It doesn’t look like a holiday celebration at all. I lift my chin and remind myself that Christmas with family has been a lifelong dream of mine, and I shouldn’t judge too soon. It will probably be a really wonderful holiday with them.
The butler brings me in, and I look around, expecting Ellen to have done some seriously lavish decorating throughout the house, considering how she likes to shop. There’s nothing. Not one single hint of a holiday inside. It could be March in their home. There’s just nothing different about it at all.
I do not take this as a good sign.
I’m about to head up to the guest room and drop off my things for the night when I spot one of those maids I wondered about. Before she can dart out of sight and disappear entirely again, I call out to her and ask her to wait. I go up to her with the gift in one hand.
“Pardon me. I was wondering where the Christmas tree is. I want to put these under it.” I smile at her. She stares at me like I’m an alien.
“I’m sorry miss, but there is no tree this year,” she says in a hollow tone.
“No tree? Where are they putting the gifts?” I ask, trying to hide my disbelief.
She shakes her head. “There are no gifts.” With that, she walks away, looking as if I’ve disturbed her.
I’m dumbfounded. No tree. Nowhere to put gifts because there are no gifts. It’s Christmas Eve. How can there be no tree and no gifts? And no decorations?
Even the foster homes I lived in at least put on some sort of effort. Even if it was just in case of a surprise social worker visit, they tried something.
I take the gift back to my room and leave them there. Thank god it’s not long before dinner.
I could go down and look for them, but the whole thing is throwing me off. I sit on the end of the bed awkwardly, wondering what kind of person makes me promise to visit for Christmas and then doesn’t even greet me at the door?
I don’t mean to be a spoiled brat. I don’t need gifts. They’ve already given me so much.
It’s something more than that.
It’s just that something feels off. I can’t quite place it.
Finally, the butler knocks on the door to check on me and announces that dinner is served.
I’m taken into the dining room and I walk to Ellen and give her what turns into another awkward hug. Dane takes his seat before I can get to him, and I know that he’s doing it to avoid a hug. I’m okay with that. We’re still figuring out how to be family with each other.
So far, I’m a bigger fan of Dane’s way about doing it.
“Merry Christmas!” I tell them brightly, hoping to lighten the heavy mood in the room.
Dane nods, and Ellen gives me that painted on smile of hers. “Merry Christmas, Teddy. We’re glad that you could come.”
The meal is served and it’s amazing, but it’s just like any other dinner. There’s nothing about it that might suggest that it’s Christmas. This is so weird for me. It’s felt more like the holiday in most of the foster homes I’ve been in. I just wasn’t expecting it to be like this at all.
There’s no conversation at the table, and I decide to bring up something that I think might help.
“I’m glad to be here with you both. I was hoping to talk with you about something that’s come up. I thought that maybe you’d be able to give me some advice.”
They both look up at me immediately.
“Yes, of course. What is it?” Dane asks, looking interested. I feel relieved and happy that I’ve managed to bring them out of their shells at least a little.
“There’s a big charity event at the school during Valentine’s week. The seniors are responsible for obtaining prizes to be auctioned off at a charity auction, and then there’s a ticketed dinner. I was wondering if you know where I could get prize donations.” I look from Ellen to Dane and back again. I’m surprised that they both look so interested. It’s nice.
For the first time in a long time, Ellen looks genuinely excited. She reaches over and takes Dane’s hand. They share a look, and I know what they’re thinking.
Sadie. They’d looked forward to doing this sort of thing for her, one day. Now, they get to again.
It makes me feel a little less guilty for wanting to be at Wills’ instead of here right now.
“I’ll definitely be able to come up with some good ones for you. I’m on at least five fine arts boards where I can get tickets to sold-out shows and things like that,” Ellen says. She squeezes Dane’s arm again, and then reaches for her phone and starts furiously typing. “I’m sure my travel agent can come up with some exotic trips, and my jeweler would certainly be willing to donate some pretty things. Let me see what I can do.”
“I have a lot of contacts. I’ll dig in and see who can get to pony up.” Dane gives me a rare smile and a nod.
“Thank you both so much! That’s a huge help. I appreciate it.” I didn’t know what I was going to do. I don’t know many people, and I definitely don’t know anyone who I could ask for things like prizes from. They’ve saved me. “I just want to be sure that I’m involved in getting the prizes. The competition is for the seniors to obtain the prizes. I just don’t know who to contact to get them.”
“That’s no trouble. We’ll make the connections for you, introducing you to the right people, and you can ask them for what you want,” Dane tells me easily.
“That’s perfect.” I’m excited about what could come of it, and I’m grateful to my aunt and uncle for their help.
For the remainder of the dinner they talk back and forth with me a little bit about ideas for prizes as they come, and I begin to feel like I might actually be able to pull off this project of mine with some serious clout.
When the meal is done, I ask them to meet me in the study. They may not be feel
ing festive or celebratory, but I brought them a gift and I’m going to give it to them anyway. They oblige me.
Five minutes later I walk into the study with my heart pounding and the wrapped frame. They look at me almost in surprise.
“I know it’s not quite Christmas Day yet, but I thought I’d give you this now.” I hand them the wrapped photograph and they take it with uncomfortable expressions, and a quick glance at one another as if they are asking each other how to proceed.
“This is lovely, Teddy. Thank you. You didn’t have to do this,” Ellen tells me, glancing at the paper-wrapped gift in her hands like she doesn’t know what to do with it.
My uncle looks at the gift strangely. “Go ahead and unwrap that,” he says quietly.
She does, and when she sees the photograph of me, she gets visibly choked up and hands it to my uncle. I realize that it must remind her too much of Sadie, and I feel suddenly sick to my stomach. It was supposed to make her think of me instead of her lost daughter, but I guess it had exactly the opposite effect.
“I … I have a headache. I’m going to … go. Goodnight, Sadie. I mean … Teddy,” she stammers with a tight voice before practically fleeing the room.
My uncle stares at the photograph and then lays it on his desk, face down. He walks over to me and pulls an envelope from the inner pocket of his suit jacket. With no real expression at all, he hands the envelope to me.
“I’m sorry, for everything today,” he says. “I hope we can be a family to you one day, but I think it’s going to take a little while.”
I take the envelope, but I wait to open it. That pit in my stomach grows, and yet, somehow, so does a sense of relief. I think I know what’s coming.
“So, what do we do now?”
Dane nods at the envelope in my hand. “That will hold you over until all the paperwork goes through.”
I peek inside, and immediately wish I didn’t. The numbers on the check make my head swim.
“You’re welcome to stay as long as you like,” Dane says, “but I’d understand if it’s all a bit much.”
I nod, and he looks relieved.
“Enjoy your holiday,” he gives me a smile and then walks out of the room, leaving me alone.
That’s when I realize what the empty feeling inside me is.
We just had Christmas. That was it. It’s done. We had a meal. We exchanged gifts. There’s nothing more to come, and I know it as sure as I am standing there with that ridiculously huge check, alone in my uncle’s study on Christmas Eve. It’s over and done.
There’s a stinging behind my eyes and I can’t stop the tears as they blind me and then flood out over my lashes and down my cheeks. All these years; my whole life, I’ve waited to have something as special as Christmas with my family, and now I’ve had it and I realize that it’s just not all that it’s cracked up to be.
I walk upstairs to my room through the darkened, silent house, and go to bed. As I lay there on the thick, luxurious pillow, I feel hollow on the inside. As hollow as my aunt looked when she saw my photograph.
When I open my eyes, I look around in surprise for a moment, having forgotten where I am. But then I remember, and I remember that it’s Christmas morning. I look at my new phone and see messages from both Blair and Wills. They’ve sent me all kinds of fun, sweet holiday wishes, and photos of themselves; Blair is holding mistletoe over his face, looking for a kiss from me, and Wills is wearing a Santa hat and no shirt, winking at me. I love my boys so much.
As I look at their photos and messages, I remember what Wills and I talked about. They are my family, truly. They’re not blood, but they are my chosen family and I am theirs. I miss them so much that it aches, and I know in my heart that I should be with them.
I send a sad-faced selfie to Wills. “I miss you so much,” I write and send it to him.
He replies instantly. “Please come have Christmas with me.”
My heart races. I really want to, more than anything. I get up and shower, then dress quickly and head downstairs. My uncle is sitting at the dining table alone.
“Good morning,” I say, wondering where my aunt is. There’s not even a place set for her; just him and me. “Merry Christmas.”
“Good morning,” he replies, reaching for his coffee.
“Where’s aunt Ellen?” I ask quietly, unsure if I should even ask.
“She’s staying in bed today. I don’t think we’ll be seeing her,” he answers quietly. “I wasn’t entirely sure we’d still be seeing you.”
I feel a sickness form in the pit of my stomach, and I wonder if it’s because she’s so hurt by seeing my photograph last night, and she’s missing Sadie. I wonder if I caused it.
“I was thinking that I might spend part of my vacation with some friends. I mean, I’m really grateful to be here, but maybe it might be nice to see them, too.” I’m not quite sure how to tell him that I want to leave without sounding ungrateful.
He just looks relieved again, and doesn’t even try to hide it.
I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my chest. He really doesn’t care, and I strongly suspect that my aunt won’t, either.
“Thank you,” I tell him with a little smile. Breakfast goes quietly, save for a few comments about the meal, which is as normal a breakfast as one could expect.
When the meal is over, I thank my uncle and say goodbye. He wishes me well, along with a happy new year, and I pack my bag and send a quick message to Wills to let him know I’m on my way.
Wills replies immediately with a ridiculously excited happy-face selfie. I send him a snowball splat gif and tell him to be prepared. I’m already feeling so much better about the holidays. I know I’m going to have the time of my life, and I’m not even there yet.
I stop by the only store open on Christmas day in the state of New York and pick out gifts for my boys. I send Blair a text too, asking him to join us later if he can. The Rashnikov cabin isn’t too far from Wills’ family place, so I’m hoping he might actually be able to join us.
I know Wills will be happy to have him there. Blair texts back and says he can come tomorrow, and he can’t wait to see me. I send him a kiss and feel as if I’m riding in Santa’s sleigh right through the sky as I drive to Wills’ home.
In less than two hours, I’m here. I barely have the car in park before Wills is coming through the front door and rushing to the car with the biggest grin on his face. He pulls me out wraps me tightly in his arms, kissing me a long minute before letting me go.
“Merry Christmas, Teddy!” he tells me happily. “Now it really feels like Christmas. Now it’s right.”
I’m so happy that there are practically sparkles igniting all through me. “I agree completely. It hasn’t been Christmas at all until just this moment. Thank you!”
He leans down and kisses me, and suddenly I hear a thud and Wills raises his head and yells over his shoulder, “You’re going to pay for that!”
I laugh in surprise and look around Wills. Three boys a little younger than him have come outside, and they’re all packing snowballs in their bare hands. It looks like they’re all three building some bulk, much like their older brother, and it makes me smile to see them. They’re just younger versions of the real thing.
“We came out to see if you need any help bringing in bags and things, and thought we’d make good use of the snow!” the middle boy calls out to us.
They launch their snowballs at Wills, nearly hit him, and he waves them over to meet me. They are all cute and very sweet. The two younger ones are blushing, and it makes me smile.
“These are my brothers. In order of age and size … this is Harry, second in line to the Stryker throne, which is a family joke. We’re actually all named after British princes and kings. My parents are serious American Royalists. This is Charlie, and this is the baby of the family, James. Boys, this is Teddy White.” Wills is so happy to introduce us.
“Your girlfriend!” James giggles and his cheeks turn pink.
“You’d better believe it,” Wills says adamantly as he kisses me in front of them. Then he looks at his brothers again. “Okay, mush you huskies. Carry all the things in for the lady!”
The brothers and Wills get into my car and haul out all the bags and boxes, and I’m glad that I stopped along the way to pick up more things. It’s going to be a full house and a busy, bustling holiday. It’s exactly what I wanted. A true Christmas with my true family.
Before we go inside, I stop Wills. “About what you said earlier,” I say, “I haven’t actually taken the last name White yet.”
He looks at me funny. “But you are going to, aren’t you?”
I’ve thought about this for a while, but I haven’t made up my mind. “I don’t know,” I say honestly. “But for now, it’s still Price.”
Wills takes my hand and walks into the house with me to introduce me to his parents.
It’s an even bigger house than the one we were in last semester with Blair’s parents over Thanksgiving, and that’s good because there are a lot of people. It’s big and it’s clear that there’s a lot of money invested in it, but it’s still homey and I feel comfortable there right away.
The other thing I love about it is that it’s actually decked out for the holidays. There are lights all over the house and the trees and bushes around the front, and there are decorations and lights in the windows. They have a wreath on the door as well, and jingle bells on the door handle inside.
When I walk in, I can smell Christmas dinner cooking, and it smells divine. It smells like you think it’s supposed to, full of ham and cinnamon, cloves and pies. He takes me to the kitchen and his mother is buzzing around with her hair up in a pretty style and an apron on. She turns and beams at me, and then comes to me and hugs me tightly.
“Welcome! I’m Alice. We’re so glad that you could come! I hope you’ll stay until after New Year’s with us. Wills has been so looking forward to having you here, and since he talks about you all the time, we’ve all been so anxious to meet you.” She looks bubbly and cheerful, and I like her right away.
