by Gaia Octavia
Jade sat on his pallet, continuously rearranging things in his pack, trying to look busy. He only faltered a moment when I sat down heavily next to him.
“Also,” he said, “I wanted to check out the marketplace to see if anyone is taking meat for trade. I saw some great trap sights that looked promising, about a half-hour into the woods. I could even check them more than once a day since it’s so clo–”
I slammed my lips into his and swallowed his words, gauging his reaction before I let my mouth continue its course. Jade froze up, but then he sighed a heavy sigh and seemed to melt into me as his mouth answered my kiss with one of his own.
“Em,” he said against my lips, and then he was kissing me again.
My chest tightened at the sound of my name on his lips. I kept my eyes open, so I could pay attention to his expression in case it changed to one of fear or regret, but I allowed my tongue to search out the seam of his lips and heard a soft moan escape him as he opened to let me in. My tongue explored his mouth, tasting its sweetness and reveling in the heat of him.
I was kissing Jade.
And he was kissing me back.
My stomach ignited with passion and excitement, tingling in nervous anticipation. I couldn’t believe it was finally happening. I placed my hand on the back of his neck, gently drawing him closer, eliciting a heavy sigh from him before moving my position on the pallet to bring us even closer together. As I moved, I felt Jade freeze up and immediately pulled away and sat back down where I had been.
“Jade?” I whispered.
To my horror, he retched, and I saw tears well in his eyes as he stammered, “I–I can’t,” and stood up.
“I can’t do this.”
I reached out and took his wrist, keeping my grip gentle but not allowing him to escape just yet.
“It’s okay, Jade,” I said gently, “I’m sorry. I didn’t ask you if you wanted this. I won’t do it again, I swear.”
Jade looked at me, blinking.
“I want this, Em,” he said, taking my hand and placing it on his stiff cock. “I want this so bad.”
I could feel the heat of him through the thin cotton fabric of his pants. My hand buzzed where it touched him and my fingers started to close around his shaft, but he gave my hand back to me far too soon and took a step back as I released my hold on him.
“But I can’t.”
I looked at him, trying not to look disappointed or upset.
“I forced it on you, Jade. I’m so sorry.”
He turned around and made toward the flap of the tent.
“Please stay, Jade,” I begged, unashamed of my neediness.
“I just need a minute,” he said, working his palm furiously against his pant leg. “I’ve got to get–” he stopped again, with his back to me still.
“I’ve gotta use the latrine,” he settled on lamely, “I’ll come back.”
“Promise?” I asked, cursing myself for the desperation even I could hear in the word.
“Yeah,” he said without turning around, “promise.”
He left then. I put my head in my hands, angry with myself for acting on my impulses again. Today had been too much for Jade. So many things were out of his control right now, and I’d just thrown one more thing at him.
But that was just it, wasn’t it?
I raised my head from my hands. He hadn’t ever had control when it came to sex. He wanted to kiss me and was turned on but had been frightened as soon as I’d started taking more control. I quickly fixed Jade’s bed and started pacing the tent as an idea began forming in my mind.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
⸙
JADE
I started in the direction of the latrines in case Emit was watching me, but as soon as I was out of sight, I just kept walking without paying attention to where I was going. I was lost in my own head. It felt like a war zone in there, one I couldn’t quite find my way out of. I had been able to brush off Emit’s kiss earlier today, telling myself that he’d just been scared that I was going to take off and had acted without thinking, doing what he thought would ensure I’d come back.
But I had given him nothing but outs since I’d returned, talking incessantly about gods knew what in order to let him pretend nothing had happened. And I would have pretended right along with him. But he hadn’t allowed me to do that. He hadn’t tried to talk to me about it either. He knew better. He knew me. Instead, he’d kissed me again.
Really kissed me.
And gods forgive me, I’d kissed him back. I’d done more than just kiss him back. Who was that person who’d pressed Emit’s hand to his throbbing cock? Even as my cheeks heated, I felt my dick twitch as I remembered the searing heat of his touch. I carefully extracted the memory and filed it away for later.
I had panicked as soon as Emit shifted his position on the pallet; I still couldn’t fathom anyone ever being on top of me again. Not even Emit. But my body had been screaming for me to let it happen. It’d been ravenous for Emit’s touch until my mind filled with the screaming sound of an over-boiled pot and my head began pounding until I’d retched.
Oh, gods.
I wouldn’t be surprised if Emit wasn’t even there when I got back.
“Jade?”
A hand touched my arm and I was surprised to see Emit’s mother. I looked around, realizing that of course I was seeing Emit’s mother, because my traitorous feet had taken me in a circle and right up to the entrance of his family’s tent.
For the gods’ sakes. I’m going to die. I’m going to die right here.
I plastered what I hoped passed for a smile on my face.
“Hi,” I said, at a loss for words.
“Did you need something?” She asked.
My brain was too muddled to think of a quick answer, so I just shrugged.
“Why don’t you come sit over here with me, son?” She said kindly, leading me to a wooden bench not far from their tent.
I knew she had used the term in a general sense, but I couldn’t hold back the sob that escaped my gut when she called me son. It hadn’t been loud, thank the gods, but I was still mortified. What had happened to my ability to stay numb? I felt like I’d cried enough in the past six months to make up for the last ten years. Her arms immediately folded around me as only a mother’s arms can, and she pulled me into her, petting my hair and softly saying, “I know, love,” over and over.
“You must miss them so much,” she said.
I wasn’t sure how much she knew, but I didn’t care if Emit had told her about my family. At least she didn’t seem completely lost as to why I was acting like a maniac.
“I know it’s not fair for me to say this because I got Emit back–because you brought my Emit back to me–but I understand some of what you must be feeling,” she said softly, continuing to hold me.
“I’m so sorry, Jade. I want you to know that I’m here for you. I will always be right here for you. You’re family now. If you ever want to be or need to be, just know that you already are.”
“You know,” she continued after a moment, “when Emit was younger, he used to always tell me that he was never going to fall in love, so he wouldn’t ever have to leave me.”
I stilled, suddenly wondering if she somehow knew what was happening between us, even if neither of us did.
She chuckled softly.
“But my Emit has so much love in that heart of his to give.”
She paused before continuing.
“You know? I could always read his emotions on his face, could tell by the way he looked at someone how deeply he cared for them.”
She stopped petting my hair then but left her hand pressed to the back of my head.
“I’ve never seen him look at anyone the way he looks at you, Jade.”
I had no idea what to say, so I said nothing. I didn’t even move, didn’t even breathe.
“I know it’s not my place to say this,” she concluded, “but Emit would never intentionally hurt anyone he loves. And
no matter what happens between the two of you, you will never lose him.” She squeezed me one more time before letting me go.
“Or us,” she whispered.
After a few moments, when I trusted that I’d gotten myself together enough to look at her, I leaned back.
“I guess I’d better head back, but thank you…”
Realizing I didn’t know what to call her, since Emit always referred to her as ‘Ma,’ I let my voice drop off.
“Merna.” She smiled, seeming to have read my mind. “Wait right here for just one minute, please,” she said, hurrying into the tent.
She came back out carrying two large bowls of delicious smelling stew. While my stomach was still a wreck, I was thankfully able to take them without feeling as if I were going to vomit on her shoes.
“Merna,” I said. “Thank you.”
And I was thankful.
I was thankful for her kindness, her warmth, and her ability to let me walk away without asking me the questions I just didn’t have it in me to answer. I drew in a deep breath, carefully making my way back to our tent–still confused, but no longer so afraid.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
⸙
EMIT
Standing bare under Jade’s heated gaze had my cock already beginning to stiffen. I had caught Jade off-guard when he walked back into our tent, but his expression went from shock to one of naked interest within seconds. I stood by my bed, slowly placing my hands behind my back, palms flat and facing out, before lying down to trap them between the small of my back and the pallet beneath me.
“I trust you, Jade,” I said while holding his gaze, “I know you would never hurt me.”
Jade made no move to come closer, but he put the two large bowls he was holding down and began to draw in deep, full breaths. I had known it would be a gamble, but once I’d realized that Jade had never been in control during sex, I thought of a way to show him that maybe one day, we could be together. While I had no idea if it would work or help him in any way, I knew that if there was even the slightest possibility that it could, then nothing short of Jade was going to stop me from trying.
I watched as Jade took a deep breath and closed his eyes. I was definitely out of my element; I had never had sex with anyone and before Jade, had never thought of doing so with another man. Though I was nervous, as I watched Jade work through his indecision, I had no doubt that this was what I wanted.
“Jade,” I breathed, “I love you more than you will ever know.”
His eyes snapped open and he stared at me as I continued.
“Nothing happens that you don’t want to,” I assured him, nodding toward his empty bed, “we can go to sleep in our beds, we can lay here together and sleep, or you can own my body.” I drew in a breath. “You can own it because I am giving it to you freely. It’s my choice to give you control, Jade. Because I trust you, and I know that one day, you will trust yourself.”
Jade didn’t look away, which had my now fully hard dick pushing up against its own weight where it lay against my belly.
“I won’t touch you unless you tell me to,” I added, in case he thought my hands might move from where they were without his permission. “Even if you never tell me to.”
Jade looked at me then, his eyes boring into me as if searching my very soul, and I could see that he understood what I was saying; I was giving myself to Jade in whatever way he felt comfortable having me. There was no time limit. It didn’t matter if we just slept holding each other or if he never felt comfortable enough to let me touch him.
I was his.
“You make the choices, Jade, for both of us. And nothing you choose will change the fact that you are my best friend,” I finished, “always.”
After that, I stayed quiet, giving him time to think over what I’d said. I silently promised myself that I would never regret this decision, no matter what happened from here on out. Because I knew that not telling Jade I loved him and wanted to be with him in whatever way he’d have me was the only thing I would ever truly regret. Jade stood silently for so long that I began to fear I might’ve gone about this entirely the wrong way. I just kept breathing and reminding myself to remain patient before I started freaking out that I’d hurt him somehow.
Finally, he took a step toward me. And then another. His steps were disconnected, each one its own separate decision with different lengths of pauses between them. As he reached me, he slowly knelt down next to me, his right thigh resting along my side as he faced me.
“I don’t know if I can do this,” he said softly.
“It’s okay if you can’t, Jade,” I murmured, “I would still be the luckiest man to be with you if you’ll have me.”
He let out a sound of incredulity as his eyes glistened.
“If? Em, you had me the moment you looked at me in that camp.”
I grinned like an idiot, my heart swelling at his words.
“It may have taken me a lot longer to understand, but I’ve loved you since that first night too.”
Jade’s eyelashes swept his cheeks as he slowly raised his eyes to look at me. “I guess that settles it then, doesn’t it?”
“Does it?” I asked with a shameless amount of hope.
Jade leaned forward and placed his hand on my chest over my heart. His touch sent searing sparks of desire coursing through me, but I remained still.
“I’m scared, Em,” he admitted.
“Me too,” I said softly.
Something in his eyes changed and soon, his lips were hovering above mine as he stared at my mouth. He softly pressed his lips against my top lip, kissing it slowly and gently before doing the same to my bottom one. While I’d left my lips slightly parted, I didn’t move to kiss him back. I kept still as he continued to kiss my lips. Soon, I felt the tentative swipe of his tongue between my lips and I closed my eyes, savoring his taste. Suddenly, Jade pulled back. I opened my eyes to see him staring at me and then he was inside my mouth, his tongue exploring and soon demanding that I open wider.
“Kiss me, Em,” he said against my lips.
So, I did.
I began returning his kiss with equal fervor but allowed his tongue to control the kiss rather than take his mouth with mine. My chest felt tight, filled with love and disbelief that Jade actually wanted to be with me. Even as my cock ached at the feeling of his tongue on mine, I was perfectly content to only kiss him if that was what he decided to stop at. Because nothing in my life felt anywhere near as amazing as being kissed by Jade.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
⸙
JADE
As I felt Emit melt under my ministrations, I was surprised by the sudden, unexpected rush I felt at the power I possessed to set Emit moaning and softly panting my name. Each small sound I wrung from him filled me with a sense of awe and a hunger to cultivate it into a loud, guttural moan.
Thoughts about my past, about my family, melted away in that moment as I closed my eyes and just let myself feel. To taste. To lose myself in my love for the man who was trembling beneath my hands. My unquestionable belief that Emit would never hurt me, the fact that he’d surrendered all control to me and trusted me as well, set my belly alight in an all-consuming inferno. His whimpers stoked the heat that burned me from within until I felt my body responding to it as if suddenly aflame with an ancient, ingrained knowledge.
Still fully clothed, I allowed my need to guide me on top of Emit, straddling him as he lay naked beneath me, his thick, hard cock straining against the crease of my ass. I could feel his muscles struggling to hold his body still as he simultaneously squirmed and countered his movements, forcing his body as still as he could keep it beneath me.
“Gods, Jade,” he choked.
I looked at him then, his eyes dark with need and desire. My breaths ticked up as my face flushed hotter. Sitting astride Emit felt as if I was straddling a powerful animal whose bestial instincts I had conquered but hadn’t erased. They were still right there under his soft, hot skin and only h
is will separated me from those carnal urges, still lingering just under the surface.
“You feel so fucking good,” he grunted, his teeth gritted in his effort not to buck against me.
The man had said those same words to me many times, only it’d been as I’d cried out in pain, desperate to escape whatever new torture his hands were inflicting.
“Jade.”
I looked up at Emit, surprised to find myself still on top of him, lost in memory.
“Look at me, Jade,” he said quietly, kindly, as he held my gaze. “You’re with me.”
I nodded.
“It’s me, Jade.”
I leaned down to kiss him.
“It’s me,” he whispered once more against my lips.
While Emit’s words had triggered the memory, I knew that while I’d heard the man use those same words as he’d sated his sadistic desires, this wasn’t anything like that. I had never heard the vulnerable, almost reverent tone Emit had used behind them, or the tenderness he showed as he reminded me of where I was. I felt my heart clench as his eyes willed me to feel the emotion behind his words. I nodded once more as desire began coursing through me once again.
Because Emit was completely naked and I was still fully clothed, it felt like I was almost wearing a thin sort of armor–that my clothing provided a tip on the balance of power between us so that I almost felt as if, for once, we were equal. I had grown used to feeling weak while Emit exuded strength, so it felt like his submission and vulnerability put us on the same playing field. Emit was panting in small gasps and I could still feel him quaking under my thighs as they pressed against his sides.
I had no idea what to do with his magnificent body; pleasure hadn’t ever been part of my life. But once again, I gave in to my baser instincts and watched as my hands began to explore him, causing his taught muscles to spasm along the length of his abdomen as I memorized every ridge and ripple with my fingertips–the way I had once seen a blind beggar do to the faces of passersby. I felt like a beggar, like a person who was receiving what they desperately needed to survive from someone who’d chosen to give it freely. Emit was my sustenance, his whimpers and moans the only nourishment I would ever need.
