by Gaia Octavia
I could see that in the years Emit had been gone, she hadn’t lost her love for him or the hope of him returning. Emit had been taken aback, looking slightly embarrassed when he’d met my eyes over her head as she’d squeezed him, but I had smiled. I understood what it was to love him, and I couldn’t fault the young girl for any of it.
I was glad Emit had found time to talk to her but from the sound of it, things weren’t going as she’d been expecting them to. While I didn’t want to eavesdrop, I knew that if I moved, Emit would notice me and I didn’t want to interrupt their private moment. Emit finished talking and was holding Sheena’s arms just under her shoulders. His touch was gentle and understanding, but his voice had been firm.
Sheena’s tears seemed incongruous with the gentleness of his concern. I knew that he must be feeling horrible about how she’d pined for him as he had moved on, but when he drew her in for a hug, it was the kind of hug one would give their sister for comfort.
As he pulled away, Sheena seemed to understand that he wasn’t going to change his mind, and I watched as desperation tugged her face into an incredulous expression right before she lunged forward and began kissing him. Emit’s body stiffened in surprise and for a brief moment, I wondered if he was going to kiss her back, but I saw his hands tighten their grip on her arms and begin to push her away.
The sight of the kiss knocked my breath from me, but not for the reason I would have expected it to. The sight of her lips pressed against his had reminded me of just how much Emit deserved to be loved by someone who was whole. Someone able to bring him the pleasures he so richly deserved.
It also reminded me of how easily he could find that with someone else, and how selfish I was being to let him tie himself to someone who may never be able to give that to him. What I felt last night with Emit had been real, but it didn’t change the fact that I was still hiding from him, that I could never tell him the truth about myself.
How could he love me if he’d never really know me? All of me. I had been fooling Emit and myself. If I truly loved him, I needed to do what was right, and I needed to do it before I lost my resolve once more. Turning from the tent, I knew that I had no other option but to force myself to do what was best for Emit.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
⸙
EMIT
As I gently pushed Sheena away from my lips, a movement of the flap caught my eye. I hadn’t seen whoever it was that had witnessed our kiss, but with a sickening feeling, I had a good idea who it might’ve been. I was already turning away from her, ready to run after Jade to make sure he didn’t think he’d seen something it hadn’t been, but the sound of the tortured sob that erupted behind me forced my body to turn back to Sheena.
“I waited for you,” she cried.
“Sheen, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t you call me that!” She screamed–all her anger draining at once as she sat down on her feet, losing herself in another sob.
I didn’t know if Jade had seen her kiss me, and even though I was angry with her for doing something that could possibly upset Jade, or cause a problem between us, I couldn’t blame her for her actions; I’d left camp that night to prove that I was old enough to provide for myself and for Sheena as well. She’d been waiting for me, never giving up hope that I would one day come home. It wasn’t her fault that I had fallen hopelessly in love with Jade. In her mind, I had been fighting my way back to her.
I couldn’t just leave her here.
I gently helped her back to her feet, trying my best to calm her as I began half-walking, half-carrying her back toward her family’s tent. I didn’t miss the questioning glances of two women walking by and tried to smile at them but suspected I hadn’t been able to work out more than a grimace as they passed. The sound of children shouting and playing drifted over from the direction we were headed, and I hoped we weren’t going to run in to a bunch of people before we got to her family’s tent.
“I’m so sorry, Sheena. I wish–”
But I struggled there, because I could never–would never–wish that I hadn’t met Jade or that I hadn’t allowed myself to recognize the depth of my love for him.
“I wish things had turned out differently for you. I never wanted to hurt you. I care about you and I still hope that one day, we can be friends.”
I felt like an ass. It wasn’t much, but it was the best I had to give her.
She stopped then, unashamedly wiping her nose on her sleeve. Though it bothered me to see her cry, I noticed that the fierce need to wipe her tears away with my thumbs, my tongue, wasn’t gnawing at my insides like it did whenever Jade was hurting.
“Do you really love him, Emit?” She asked.
“I do,” I said without hesitation, “I really do.”
She looked incredulous as her sadness morphed back into anger.
“But you’re not even–” she started, “I–”
She laughed then, but her laugh didn’t hold an ounce of humor in it.
“Fuck you, Emit,” she spat.
She turned to go and as I made to follow her, she turned back.
“Stay away from me, Emit,” she said coldly, “I don’t ever want to see you again.”
“You sure you’re okay?” I asked, gesturing in the direction of her family’s tent in a half-hearted offer to continue walking with her.
“You go on and find your man,” she sneered, “you have a lot of explaining to do.”
So, my guess about who had seen us had been correct after all. I took off, trotting toward the tent where Jade and I had spent hours exploring our love the night before. I was almost eager to tell him about the kiss because it would end–albeit not in the best way possible–an open chapter in my life. A chapter that had started before I’d known him, and one that had been worrying me ever since we’d gotten home.
Home, I thought, smiling as I stepped into our tent. I was expecting a rough start to our conversation, but I knew that Jade would understand before long, and once I finished showering him with kisses, we could begin planning what our lives would be like together.
With my family.
Our family.
But my heart dropped, and my stomach lurched at the sight of what lay before me. There on my mat, tucked carefully next to where I laid my head just last night, was the bracelet that I had given to Jade.
The one he’d promised he’d never take off.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
⸙
JADE
My mind spun in confusion as I climbed the cliff so I could peer out over the woods, wanting the high vantage point so I could best judge my way forward. Touching Emit last night had felt as if the world had finally clicked into place. All the fear I felt had melted away at the heat of his skin on mine. Something had shifted inside of me, deep in my belly, when he’d completely submitted his body to my will. The taste of his mouth had been enough to wash away every bit of filth I felt marked by; as if anyone looking at me could tell, would know, my deepest, darkest shame.
As my mouth and hands had traveled over the miles of Emit’s soft, warm flesh, all of that had been forgotten. After a while, I had become a needy, shameless explorer–uncaring that my desire stoked a madness inside of me. The memory of that night would stay with me forever. Emit’s soft moans had been my compass, though always seeming to point south.
The way he’d said my name in between gasps and moans and the thrill it’d sent coursing through me, intensifying with his cries, had been burned into my soul. And when he’d come, shouting my name as he convulsed under me–my aching cock ready to burst–I’d known then that nothing else would ever be more beautiful.
I had barely recognized myself as I’d brazenly taken myself in hand, stroking and squeezing as we feverishly devoured each other’s mouths, the most delicious terror rising inside of me. The terror was not fright, but an overwhelming surety that I was coming undone under the enormity of emotions and sensations rocketing through me. When I’d finally come, Emit’s mouth had bee
n there to swallow my cries of delirium, and I had never known anything so perfect, so precious, as what he’d given me.
When at last, we’d allowed ourselves to give in to sheer exhaustion, I had done so with the conviction that everything would be different from that point on. That my life had finally begun. The fact that it was with Emit had been enough to fill my heart until I’d felt as if it would burst with joy and promise. Emit’s ragged breaths had eventually quieted with mine and I’d known the moment I’d heard his soft, snoring purrs that nothing would ever compare to that feeling, that conviction of the bond we held between us.
Then, asleep in the safety of Emit’s loving arms, the darkness had found me–forcing reality to return, reminding me that I would never escape the very fires of hell I’d been forged in. Everything I had been feeling as I’d closed my eyes–the hope and peace and promise of a new life–had been gone the second I’d reopened them. Emit had done his best to soothe me, but the knowledge that the darkness could still find me while wrapped securely in his arms–sated and filled with love–had left me bursting with an emptiness that I had never known before.
I knew then that the only place I’d found any solace since the night my world fell apart, was not immune to the ever-reaching claws of the darkness that snatched me away at its whim. That knowledge ended my ability to imagine a life that could be any different. A life where I was worthy of Emit and was able to give him all that his beautiful, loving heart deserved in return. Still, I’d fought against what I’d always known I would one day have to do, and when I’d woken again, after a surprisingly peaceful second half of sleep, all I’d wanted to do was find Emit and assure him that I could do this. That I would get better, somehow, for the both of us.
It had been Sheena’s stolen kiss that had finally forced me to admit to myself just how much I was hurting Emit by staying with him, by allowing him to think that he could love someone like me when he still didn’t know the truth of what I’d done. It wasn’t that I thought Emit had done anything for me to be upset over; I had seen the girl desperately kiss him, and while I hadn’t stuck around, I had seen Emit’s surprise as his arms gently pushed Sheena from his lips. I knew that he hadn’t betrayed me in that moment. I knew that he never would, which was why I could no longer deny that it was well past time for me to let Emit go.
I knew that his heart was so good, so pure, that no matter how much I hurt him, he wouldn’t ever leave me. He’d stay with me, denying himself the physical and emotional release he’d never truly be happy living without. No one would be. No one could ever face a life devoid of all the things that humans yearn to feel unless they were as broken and as irredeemable as I was. Just the thought of it wrenched my heart and sent a deep, stabbing pain through my belly. I closed my eyes, fighting to focus on my climb, but I couldn’t shake the truth from my head.
I was a coward.
I had known that walking away from Emit would tear my heart in two. I had also known that it would be important to make sure Emit didn’t try to find me. There was no way I was going to be able to walk away from him a second time. If Emit ever found me, I knew I’d never leave his side again–the right thing be damned. Sheena’s desperate bid to remind him of what they had once felt for each other had–in some sick way–almost felt like a gift. That stolen kiss had given me the opportunity I needed to make Emit believe that I had left him willingly.
Even if he hadn’t seen me leave, I knew he’d hear that I’d been looking for him and would most likely assume I had witnessed the kiss. Maybe if he thought I hated him he would be able to let me go. I just hoped that he’d be able to forgive her, and himself, though there was nothing to forgive.
In truth, I hoped that one day, he’d forgive me.
I made it up to a ledge on the rock cliff and pulled myself up. It was deep enough to curl up on, so I took the opportunity to lie there, wrapping my arms around myself as if I could somehow hold the pieces of myself–coming apart all around me–together. I was completely drained from the emotional turmoil of the night before.
The high of feeling Emit beneath me, and believing that we could be happy together, had been the most amazing experience of my entire life. But the pit of misery I cascaded into the moment I woke from my nightmare, realizing that my love for Emit wasn’t enough to make me a whole person, had been bottomless. I had nothing left in me to give.
As the sky darkened above me, I resigned myself to the fact that I was going to be stuck on this ledge without fire or food for the rest of the night. If I was lucky, I would lose myself to a nightmare and roll off the ledge, so the pain and torment would end at last.
Leaving my bracelet behind, the one tangible piece of Emit that I had, was the hardest thing I had ever done. Harder than all those nights I’d had to force my feet to carry me back to the man’s tent. But I knew it was the only way to make Emit believe that I was truly never coming back, and to allow him to move on with his life, and through his friends and family–and though I didn’t want to think it, his future lovers–find the kind of love that he deserved to have. The kind that I would never be able to give him.
Leaving had been the only selfless gift I had the ability to give Emit, so that’s what I had done. What was left for me in this world, I didn’t know, but after finding myself unable to tell the man I loved the truth about myself and the things I’ve done, I knew one thing without a shadow of doubt–that no matter how long or hard I fought against it, the man had been right.
I belonged to him forever.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
⸙
EMIT
I didn’t hear her enter the tent, but Ma settled beside me on my pallet where I sat holding Jade’s bracelet. Putting her arm around me, she tilted her head until it rested on top of mine. All the thoughts and fears that I’d been trying to push away for the last hour suddenly crashed down around me, and I began sobbing quietly.
She pulled me into her as if I were a child who’d just fallen and needed comfort more than any tending to physical wounds. The love that I felt from her in that moment tore loose the guttural sobs that had been lodged in my chest since the moment I’d found Jade’s bracelet. I felt the full force of terror and loss I’d been trying desperately to ignore. My breaths were ragged and raw, my tears soaking her cotton shirt as she silently held me.
It was only after I was able to get myself somewhat under control that she said softly, “You love that boy.”
Though it hadn’t been a question, I nodded anyway.
“He saved me, Ma,” I said, “from more than just the raiders.”
She squeezed me tighter, and I was surprised to hear her begin sniffling. I pulled away to look at her, fearing what I’d see in her eyes. Disappointment? Anger? Fear? I saw none of those things when I met her shiny eyes.
I saw happiness.
“You’re not–?” I asked stupidly, not even knowing what I was really asking.
“Oh, love.” She smiled. “I wish that I could keep you forever, but I always knew that you would find someone one day who felt as deeply for you as your Pa and I feel for each other. You’re such a wonder, there’s just no way you couldn’t,” she added, with quite a bit of pride behind her words. “I see the way Jade looks at you. He loves you like that. And I think he needs you just as much as he loves you.”
I looked at my hands. I’d thought so too once, but now I wasn’t so sure. Ma closed her hand around mine so that I was holding the bracelet just as tightly as she held me.
“He needs you, Emit. And I think–”
She looked at me. “I think that you need him just as much.”
I hung my head, knowing that she was right. But Jade was gone, and there was no way I could force him to come back and let me love him, let us love each other.
“He’s gone, Ma,” I said quietly.
Mournfully.
“He’s a ghost. I’ll never find him.”
While my words should have confused her, they didn’t seem to.
/> “Emit,” she began, tipping my chin up, “there are things in this world that we may not want, but we know must be. Like with you…”
I looked at her, not quite following what she meant.
“When you came home,” she continued, “when you came back to us, I wanted nothing more than to make sure you stayed here with me, with us, and never left again. Just like I didn’t want to let you go when you told me you were ready before.”
I knew she was talking about the night I’d left our camp, and the guilt I felt made me lower my head, but almost immediately, she grabbed my chin again, forcing me to meet her gaze.
“I should have listened to you, Emit. I wasn’t ready to do what you needed me to do. I’m still not, but I won’t try to stop you this time. If you love Jade–if you really love him like I think you do–you can’t just let him go. You’ll never forgive yourself.”
My eyes would have filled with tears if I hadn’t already dropped them all.
“Ma,” my voice cracked, “Jade knows how to disappear. He kept us hidden for the past two years. I’ll never find him unless he wants to be found.”
I opened my hand and stupidly held out the bracelet. “And he doesn’t want to be.”
“Emit, you have to try.”
I sighed. I knew I had no chance of finding him, but she was right. I couldn’t give up, not on Jade. Not ever.
“I know, Ma,” I said finally, “I know I have to go.”
She held me in her arms again and this time, I felt her tears as they pooled on the top of my head.
“I know,” she said softly, “but you know where I am now and can come see me as much as you like. And I’ll know my baby is safe and alive and fiercely loved.”
