by Hannah Doyle
Alice had turned her face to the rising sun, eyes closed in the sunlight, but now she opens one eye and gives me a look, like she’s amused by me. ‘So you come here a lot, then?’ she asks, deftly stepping past my awkwardness.
‘I do, yeah. My brother Raff moved out here a while back with his family.’
‘Are your parents nearby, too?’
‘No, Mum and Dad split up when Raff and I were kids. They’re both Italian and Dad moved back to Italy while Mum stayed here. They shipped us off to boarding school and then Mum moved over to Manchester for work.’
‘I imagine boarding school isn’t the kind of Harry Potter dream everyone thinks it might be.’
I laugh at that. ‘I definitely didn’t get an invisibility cloak or a half-giant for a best mate.’
She’s paused, watching me with a gentleness in her eyes that makes me feel like she empathises. But somehow, I sense that now is not the time to ask her too much about her story, growing up. Besides, Ellie was right when she said I should focus on just having fun with Alice today.
‘How about that one?’ I ask, pointing up at a cloud puttering slowly through the sky.
‘Easy,’ Alice says, lying on her back next to me, our fingers touching as we watch the clouds float by. ‘That’s a rabbit.’
‘No way!’
‘All right Picasso, what do you think it is?’
‘A frog, obviously.’
‘It’s definitely a rabbit and I’m speaking from a position of great knowledge. Don’t tell me you need me to remind you about my A at art A Level again, do you?’
I pull myself up on one elbow and Alice shields her eyes with her hand, her face lit up with amusement.
‘Well then, once again I find myself bowing down to your superior knowledge,’ I grin, leaning down to kiss her. The warm summer sun’s on my back, the light breeze whipping strands of her hair onto my face. There’s a smell of …
OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE, TINY.
‘Wow, twice in one afternoon. What have you been feeding him?’ Alice has shot up from our spot on the grass, stepping away from the scent of Tiny’s butt and wrinkling her nose. Can’t blame her.
‘Bloody Raff,’ I huff. ‘He did this last time I dog-sat. Gave Tiny loads of food before he left so now he’s all, um … you know. Raff has a hard time accepting that I’m thirty-two years old and fully capable of looking after his beloved dog. It doesn’t matter that I have gainful employment and a house of my own, I will always be a little kid to him.’
‘Aw, that’s kind of sad.’
‘Nah, that’s just him being a big brother. He’s been looking after me all his life and it’s kind of hard-wired now. Speaking of which, we should probably head back and get this mutt in the tub before long.’
‘He is filthy,’ Alice laughs as Tiny finds another patch of mud to roll in.
‘This is quite an intense work-out,’ Alice puffs, folding over and resting her hands on her knees. ‘I’m pretty sure we’ve got our steps in for the day already. Not that I check my steps any more. I read once that 10,000 steps a day is what you should aim for, which is a lot, and for a while I ended up doing laps of my house before bed to make sure I hit the target.’
‘That’s commitment.’
‘I know! So now I try not to look because no one wants to be running up and down their stairs ten times before bed. It was a very sweaty time for me.’
I laugh. ‘So you’re competitive, huh?’
‘Very,’ she nods. ‘Race you to that tree?’
And she’s off.
Tiny is thrilled. He bounds along in pursuit.
‘You win, you win,’ I hold my hands up as I pull up next to her.
Alice beams. ‘How about you? Competitive too?’
‘With myself, yes. I always want to do the best I can at work, and I try and smash my own PBs when I’m running or climbing.’
‘You’re full of surprises, Zach. I had you down as the kind of guy who survived on black coffee and eggs, and maybe spent his spare time reading intense literature or listening to some old records on your vintage record player.’
‘Why’s that? Because I’m an artist?’
‘Well, yeah,’ she admits, looking sheepish.
‘It sounds like you have seriously stereotyped me,’ I reply with a stern look. To be honest, I’m just happy she’s been thinking about me full stop.
‘And yet here we are getting sunshine and fresh air!’ She teases.
‘You make it sound like you thought I was a vampire or something,’ I laugh.
‘Not quite a vampire but definitely a fan of intense films and maybe, like, jazz?’
‘You’re killing me here! First you take down my art and now you’re making sweeping assumptions about my character. I mean, I know I wear a lot of black but …’
‘I’m sorry,’ Alice grins, reaching her fingers around my bicep. ‘I’m sort of teasing. You do strike me as a bit of an enigma, though. Brooding and a bit intense but also into sunshine and Point Romances.’
‘I was hoping you’d forget about my teenage literary choices.’
‘Never,’ she laughs. ‘It’s all part of your charm.’
She thinks I’m charming? My heart starts beating faster and I can already feel myself getting carried away.
‘So you’re pleased you came, then?’ I ask.
‘Very,’ she smiles.
My next sentence tumbles out before I have a chance to check myself.
‘Because technically, this is our third date. Or maybe even our fourth if you include the night we met,’ I say.
‘Excellent maths,’ she says with a smile, though her expression’s changed slightly.
‘Thank you. I, um, heard you and Dylan talking about a three-date rule when we were out last week.’
‘Ah,’ Alice pauses. We’re making our way back to the village now and I stop to put Tiny’s lead back on, which he isn’t thrilled about. Alice carries on talking but I notice that for the first time there’s more hesitancy in the way she speaks. ‘So … yeah. I don’t usually go on any more than three dates with one guy.’
‘Why’s that?’
‘Oof, where to start?’ She says, kicking some cut grass off her boots. She’s lost in thought for a bit and I find myself wrestling with a tonne of emotions. Does the fact that we’ve made it here mean she’s into me more than anyone else she’s dated? Or is she not counting the night we first met as a date? Will this be our last?
After a pause, Alice catches my eye with a wry smile. ‘Listen, Zach, I’m not great at opening up about stuff or … talking about my feelings much?’ She looks apologetic and I realise I’m holding my breath. ‘But basically yes, I generally don’t date anyone for very long. It’s kind of an unwritten rule of mine.’
Fuck.
Tell her you like her!
‘May I make a case for myself?’ I say.
She looks at me with that half-smile again, like she’s trying to make up her own mind about how she’s feeling.
‘I completely respect the fact that you don’t want to open up about stuff and I would never pressure you to do that, but I’d just like to put this out there. I really like you, Alice. I feel like we have a connection that is so worth exploring and I’d hate for that to be cut short. Being around you is amazing. I’d love for us to spend more time together, go on adventures, dance under the stars.’
What? MATE.
‘Hang on, that sounded really cheesy,’ I check myself, trying to find some words to make myself sound like less of a cheese ball when Tiny decides to take matters into his own hands. Tugging on the lead, he races towards Raff’s house and I’m left with no option other than to race after him, leaving my ridiculous words hanging in the air.
I kick off my boots in the hallway and usher Alice inside, but she lingers at the door.
‘There’s some prosecco in the fridge,’ I say. ‘I thought we could celebrate your win.’
‘Oh?’
‘The race to the tree?�
��
She laughs, but I notice that she still hasn’t taken her boots off.
‘Actually, Zach, I think I’m going to head back into Sheffield.’
‘No!’ I clear my throat. ‘I mean, I’d love you to stay. I was going to cook us some dinner later, if you fancy it?’
‘That’s really sweet of you but I’d better get back.’
‘Okay,’ I reply, failing to hide the disappointment in my voice. ‘I can drive you back?’
‘Nah it’s fine, I got an open return …’
‘Let me at least drive you to the train station, then?’
‘It’s not far away,’ she smiles. ‘I think I can manage a few more minutes on foot before I need a sit down.’
Crestfallen, I realise there’s nothing I can do so I move to kiss her goodbye, but Alice has turned her attention to Tiny. Then she plants a kiss on my cheek and as I watch her leave, the doubt creeps in. That kiss felt perfunctory, the kind of thing you might give an elderly relative.
Shit. I came on too strong, didn’t I? I’ve freaked her out and now she’s left and I can’t take it back, or make it better. Once she’s out of sight I step past my boots and shut the front door, knowing very well that I’m going to be sweating over my mistakes and that kiss for the foreseeable.
Later, I make enough pasta for the two of us anyway, only now I’ve realised that I’ve lost my appetite. I stack the dishwasher despondently. I’d hoped to spend the evening here with Alice, just the two of us getting to know each other better. Instead it’s just me and Tiny, who has clearly picked up on my mood. He pads over to Raff’s booze cabinet and lies down next to it, his wet nose by the handle.
‘Whiskey it is, Tiny. You’re absolutely right.’
I knock one back.
‘Do you think I’ll hear from her again?’
Tiny barks.
‘Me neither,’ I sigh. ‘Fuck.’
The next morning I wake up with a distinct headache and a slobbery dog lying by my side. Stretched out on the bed, Tiny is almost as long as me. It’s not quite the wake-up I’d been hoping for, I’ll be honest. I’d allowed myself to dream of waking up next to Alice, our clothes dotted around the bedroom. Her face would be lit by the morning sunshine, her warm body curled into mine.
My heart feels heavy when I remember her leaving and that goodbye kiss. The more whiskey I drank last night, the easier it was to persuade myself that I knew exactly what the kiss meant.
It’s been nice getting to know you, but goodbye.
The thought of not seeing her again feels like a physical pain and I’m unwilling to put myself through any more misery, so I leave my phone on the bedside table and head downstairs. If I can’t have Alice, I can at least get some work done. I take my sketchpad out into the garden and mainline coffee while I try out some new ideas.
I spend most of the day avoiding my phone, worried that I won’t have heard from Alice or worse, that she’ll have put into words what that kiss meant. But when my stomach finally gets the better of me and I head inside to raid the fridge, I find myself being pulled towards it like I’m seeking out the bad news.
I pick it up.
She has messaged.
A glimmer of hope mixes with the gloom of potential bad news in my head. I’m pleased that she’s got in touch but …
Jesus just read it, Zach!
I open the message.
I’m sorry I hurried off. I’m a bit confused to be honest. I really like hanging out with you and I do definitely want to see you again, I just get a bit panicked when things get intense. Are you happy to just have fun together on our next date? No pressure? x
Eighties Disco
Alice
‘Ooh, a shell suit!’ Natalie coos, rifling through the piles of treble denim, leg warmers, oversized blazers and other eighties fashion staples currently strewn across my bedroom floor. I watch her over the top of my compact mirror, which I’m using to apply electric blue eyeshadow all over my lids.
‘I love seeing that smile back on your face.’
‘How can you not smile when you look this good?’ She preens, fluffing the perm wig she’s wearing.
‘You are serving pure Kylie Minogue circa Neighbours tonight.’
‘Charlene!’ she gasps. ‘I think that may be the greatest compliment I have ever received. You look absolutely banging, by the way.’
It’s my turn to gasp as I step in front of the mirror and catch the first sight of myself in my outfit for the night. I’m wearing very few clothes. Black fish-nets and a gold lamé leotard with massive ruffled shoulder pads. That’s literally it. Natalie loves a theme night even more than I do but I’m slightly regretting giving her free rein to choose my outfit now.
‘You can see my ass. Is it a bit much?’
‘Yes! In the very best way. You look like Joan Collins and Madonna had a love child. Zach’s going to lose his mind when he sees you.’
Butterflies coarse through me at the mention of his name. I’m super excited to see him and also still in a bit of a tizz. ‘This will be our fifth date, Nat.’
‘Bloody hell. Going out on more than three dates with one guy is so off brand for you. You must really …’
‘Don’t say it!’ I interject.
Nat drops down onto my bed and pats the space next to her. I sit down, feeling a bit like Raff’s dog Tiny. Only slightly more obedient. The memory of him ruining Zach’s romantic moments on our last date makes me smile so hard my cheeks hurt.
‘What’s going on?’ she asks.
I flip open a shimmering bronzer, wondering if the answer to her question will find me in there.
‘I don’t know,’ I say eventually. ‘I had a miniature freak-out on our last date and I’ve felt all … tumultuous ever since. We were having loads of fun on a dog walk when Zach asked me about my three date rule.’
‘You told him about that?’
‘No! He overheard me and Dylan talking about it when we all went out for drinks. So then he started making a case for himself and talking about the connection we have and I panicked.’
‘He made a case for himself? Alice, that’s adorable!’
‘It was too much!’
‘Sometimes I forget that you’re not a normal human being,’ Nat laughs.
‘Hey!’ I protest.
‘Kidding. Look, it just sounds like he’s into you and that you’re both coming at this from different angles, that’s all.’
‘I think you’re right. I do really like hanging out with him, but that’s the problem. I’m drawn to him like a moth to a flame and we all know that combination never ends well.’
‘I think you need to stop seeing yourself as a moth, hun. They’re the basic bitch of the insect world, don’t you think? My Alice is a butterfly, make no mistake.’
‘Butterflies are more colourful,’ I concede.
‘Listen, you’ve shut yourself away in your little fortress for so long now and we both know why you did that. Self-preservation. I won’t dwell on all that but look at you now. You are strong, happy, successful. You have perfect taste in best friends,’ she winks. ‘You’ve made a gorgeous life for yourself and now, for the first time in forever, you’ve found a man who you wouldn’t mind letting down the drawbridge for. You’ve not invited him all the way in yet, obviously, but you’re happy for him to have a little look around.’
I bite my lip. ‘How long’s this fortress analogy going to go on for, Nat?’
She giggles. ‘You get it though, right? This is all new for you and you’re bound to feel a bit nervous about it. But there is no need to panic about flames and moths, okay? You are the first to point out that life is for living, so what I’m saying is, do that. Have fun and enjoy this!’
I nod, still laughing. ‘Excellent advice, thank you. I actually chose a group thing for tonight’s date so we could do exactly that. Just have fun, no pressure.’
Natalie beams at me as she turns her attention to gluing on some false lashes.
‘You k
now that I’m bloody proud of you?’ I add. The crime thriller Zach picked out for me on our bookshop date had been giving me some ideas for Jake’s demise, but seeing my friend cope so well with their split means her ex is safe for now.
‘Well, I’m definitely not crying on the sofa all the time now and that’s thanks to you. Remember when I accidentally liked that old photo of Jake’s and nearly emigrated? You told me I should start living in the present and you were right, Alice. Tonight, we disco.’
Natalie’s crinkly shell suit is frankly exceptional. I took a snap of it before we left, sharing the green and pink diagonal stripes to my flower shop’s Instagram stories and asking followers if they’d like to see an eighties-inspired window dressing next week. It was an overwhelming yes and my brain is already buzzing with ideas but I make a conscious effort to switch off from work, now. Because the dancefloor has well and truly claimed us. We’re warbling eighties ballads to one another as the room fills with more incredible outfits. Blazers with huge shoulder pads, neon jumpsuits and so many shiny materials. Eve, her girlfriend Nicky and a couple of other friends have joined us and we’re all singing ‘I Wanna Dance With Somebody’ to one another at high volume.
‘This is all we need!’ I shout, locking Natalie into a love-in and feeling so lucky to have this gorgeous woman in my life.
She makes an I-didn’t-hear-you face.
‘Friendship!’ I shout. ‘FUN! It’s all we need.’
‘You sure about that?’ She asks, looking over my shoulder and spinning me around.
Zach’s here.
He’s walking across the packed dancefloor towards us and OH HOLY PHWOAR he looks good.
I’m thrilled to see that he’s embraced the theme, ditching his usual muted palette for a bright green Adidas tracksuit, unzipped, with a white vest underneath and box fresh white trainers. He looks so eighties and also like he just stepped off a catwalk. I don’t think I can handle it.
Zach doesn’t take his eyes off me. Time slows right down as he approaches our hot, sweaty group. Finally he’s here and I’m about to say something like, I don’t know, hi. But his eyes are locked on mine and I realise I’ve stopped dancing.
‘You look incredible,’ he says, voice low.
