by Hannah Doyle
‘Sorry to hear that, hot stuff. Want to talk about it?’
I shake my head. ‘What I’d really like to do is help you get ready. This looks fun.’
‘Good because I cannot decide what to wear. Dylan was right, it’s time to launch myself back out there and I now intend to date all the eligible men of Sheffield. I’m quite excited about this guy,’ she says, wriggling out of the jeans and top combo she’d just rejected while I rifle through her impressive selection of hairbands. ‘He’s very cute and we’re going for ramen.’
‘How about this then?’ I ask, handing her a band T-shirt and leather skirt. ‘Sort of cool and cute all rolled into one?’
As Natalie pulls the outfit on I run upstairs to grab my make-up bag. ‘I follow this amazing make-up artist on Instagram who does incredible things with eyeliner. Shall we watch one of her videos while I try it on you?’
‘Obviously yes,’ Nat says, sitting down obediently as I walk back into the room.
I grab my phone to set up our tutorial.
Oh.
‘You okay?’ She asks.
‘Just got a message from Zach. I’ll read it later.’
‘Nice try, but you should read it now,’ she commands.
I open the message and read it. ‘He’s apologising for being off with me. Says he wants to explain things in person and is asking if he can come round.’
‘Well I’m heading off soon. Sounds like he has something important to tell you.’
‘It does, doesn’t it?’ I say, full of curiosity and concern.
When Nat’s fully made up and looking divine, she gives me a squeeze and says: ‘I’ll keep my phone on so if you need me, call me, okay?’
‘Thanks,’ I say, suddenly feeling nervous.
Zach is leaning against the fridge, his hair mussed up and his brows knitted together. He looks so anxious that I just want to kiss him better but I sense that he needs to talk first.
‘I’m sorry again, for earlier,’ he says, holding his hands out as I make us both a cup of tea.
‘Are you okay?’ I ask.
‘I, er …’ he rubs his fingers along his forehead. ‘I’ve got something I need to tell you.’
‘Grab a seat. Cheese on toast?’
‘Yes please.’
‘Those cocktails were strong, huh?’ I say with a little laugh. I don’t know what he’s got to tell me but seeing how nervous he seems to be is making me worried. I place the plates of cheese on toast down and pull up a seat opposite, biting at a crust and realising that I’m not that hungry after all.
Zach clears his throat.
‘Alice, I’m sorry I was off earlier at the bar. It wasn’t that you were boring me by talking about work at all.’ He pauses to take a deep breath. ‘It turns out that the wedding client you had a meeting with today is my ex-girlfriend.’
‘Clara? Oh God. That’s awkward, sorry Zach, I had no idea.’
He takes a sip of his tea. ‘Really, you don’t need to apologise. This is on me. I didn’t know she was engaged so it all came as a bit of a shock.’
‘Yeah, I can understand that. Had you two been serious, then?’
Zach nods, catching my eyes ever so briefly. ‘We’d been together for about eighteen months.’
‘Was she your first love?’ I ask, wondering if that explains why they’d fallen out of touch. I mean, I know not many people remain close after they split up but I’m surprised that he didn’t know she was in a serious relationship now.
‘It’s more recent than that. We only broke up a few months ago.’
Ouch. Clara must have moved on quickly. No wonder he’s upset. Though now that I think of it, I swear she and James said they’d been together for a couple of years. Something doesn’t quite add up here and I frown, trying to make sense of it. Zach’s watching me, a mixture of embarrassment and unease written across his face and just like that, it dawns on me.
‘But Clara told me that she and James had been together for years. So does that mean you were seeing Clara while …’ I say it as a statement, the reality of it sinking in.
Zach takes another deep breath, looking over at me through those dark lashes of his.
‘That’s right,’ he admits.
I lean back, pushing my plate away from me. Zach’s last relationship was an affair. I can feel my defences inching back up around me, locking in place to try and keep me safe.
‘Will you let me explain?’ He asks.
I nod, folding my arms in front of me.
‘Okay,’ he clears his throat. ‘A couple of years ago Clara’s magazine commissioned me to do some pen and ink drawings to run alongside a fashion shoot and that’s when we first met. She invited me out for drinks when the issue published and one thing led to another. We started dating, things were going well, we started to get serious, you know how it goes. Only, about a year into the relationship I found out that she’d had this ex.’
‘James?’ I ask, joining the dots.
‘Yeah. Clara insisted that they were no longer together when she and I met, and that he was only still on the scene because they worked together. There were a lot of red flags, like how she wanted to keep our relationship low key, how she never invited me to her work events …’ Zach lets out a low, deep sigh then. ‘But I liked her, I even thought I loved her so I wanted to believe her. It was only earlier today when I finally figured it out. She left me a voice message telling me that she was engaged and then I saw the photo of her and James together on Instagram … she never did split up with him. I was just, I don’t know, an extra.’
I bite my thumbnail, my heart breaking for how sad he looks and for how sad I feel, too.
‘Today was just … confirmation, I guess, that she hadn’t been straight up with me,’ he adds.
‘I had no idea, Zach. So when did you two split up?’
Zach’s elbows are on the table now, his thumb rubbing his jawline as he looks down at the cheese on toast he’s left untouched.
‘She broke up with me on the day of my exhibition,’ he says, wincing.
‘The day we met?’
‘The day we met,’ he confirms.
I stand up, then, the legs of my chair screeching across the wooden floor. I don’t want to hear any more.
‘I know you’re upset but Alice, please—’ he’s up too, moving around the table towards me but I hold my hands up and step away from him.
‘I just need some space to think about this. It’s a lot to take on board. I think you should go.’
‘Of course. I’m sorry, again. I … I really like you, Alice.’
I smile tightly as I usher him to the front door, my head spinning and feeling more confused than ever.
The next morning I hear a knock on my bedroom door, followed by a stage cough.
‘Don’t mind me!’ Natalie calls through. ‘I don’t want to interrupt any shagging. Just to say I’m off to grab some breakfast from Forge Bakehouse, text me if you guys want me to bring you some back!’
‘You can come in, I’m alone,’ I shout, chucking on some joggers and opening the door wide.
‘No Zach?’ She asks, peeking into my bedroom. ‘I thought he was staying. But from the look on your face, last night didn’t go great?’
‘No it did not,’ I say. ‘Give me five minutes to brush my teeth and I’ll come with?’
Baggy joggers, flip flops and a gardening T-shirt isn’t my best look ever, but today already feels like a CBA kind of day and I’m just grateful to get outside with Nat. I’ve filled her in on everything Zach told me on our way to the bakery and now we’re feasting our eyes on breakfast potentials. I order a cardamom snurr and a cappuccino to go, throwing in a custard tart at the last minute for good measure.
We’re waiting in line for our hot drinks when my phone buzzes with a message from Zach. The preview on my lock screen reads:
Alice, I just wanted to say that I know my last relationship was messy and I regret so many things about …
Nat’s readin
g over my shoulder. ‘Aren’t you going to open it up and read the rest?’
‘But then he’ll see that I’ve read it.’
‘So?’
‘I’m pissed off, Nat! I don’t even do relationships and right when I decide to give them a go, right when I find myself liking a guy, he ends up having a whole lot of history and bringing a load of drama to my life.’
‘So you’re just going to ignore him?’
‘Urgh,’ I say, in lieu of some actual words. I already know that I’m not going to ignore him even though I feel frustrated for finding myself in this situation. I open up WhatsApp and together we read the whole message.
Alice, I just wanted to say that I know my last relationship was messy and I regret so many things about it, but my main regret is that I feel like I’ve messed things up with you. I feel awful for letting it impact our Happy Hour date. The truth is, I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I really, really hope I haven’t messed this up x
‘How do you feel?’ Nat asks.
‘Annoyed. I don’t love the fact that his last relationship ended hours before we met. I’d say that’s a bit soon for him to be moving on, right?’
‘Sounds to me like Zach knew his last relationship wasn’t right and it had probably been over long before it ended. I think he’s painfully aware of how his past looks but it’s also made him want to tell you how strongly he feels for you.’
‘But I don’t want to be in a relationship with drama! I didn’t even want a relationship in the first place, remember? And then along came Zach with his intensely cool ways and talk of love and … And now I like him and it turns out he liked someone else until right before we met? If he can move on that quickly, he could end up hurting me, right? I’m risk averse, Nat and this is suddenly very risky.’
Natalie hands me a coffee and steers me back onto the street.
‘Take a deep breath,’ she says. ‘It’s a lot to take on and now it’s your turn to have some time. But if you want my opinion, I’m impressed that he’s trying to be honest with you. That’s a good thing, no?’
I huff.
‘It’s taken guts for Zach to tell you this. I think he’s been really brave.’
‘Maybe. It’s a great big red flag though, isn’t it? He was dating someone who was already in a relationship! Regardless of what she told him, it’s not great. And what’s weird is I really liked Clara when I met her. She and James seemed like such a sweet couple.’
‘Just goes to show that none of us have any clue what’s going on behind the scenes, hun. Relationships are complex and hard, sometimes. And yes, it’s a red flag for Zach but you’d been getting so many green flags from him, too. The way he’s been honest with you about the whole thing is a big green flag, right? So maybe this is just a bump in the road.’
I pause to take a bite out of my cardamom snurr as we walk.
‘This is so annoying. Why am I even worried? I should have got myself out of this situation ages ago because that’s what I do, right? But you’re right, there have been lots of green flags from him. He has been honest about his ex. He’s been incredibly sensitive about my mum. He makes me feel like I can be my whole self around him. He’s kind, he’s thoughtful, he makes me laugh. The butterflies in my stomach when we’re together …’ I pause, realising I could go on and on.
Natalie is grinning at me.
‘Shut up.’
‘Didn’t say anything,’ she says, her smile getting wider.
I roll my eyes. ‘So, yeah, there are lots and lots of positives. But because of all the good things I’ve started developing … bloody … feelings for him and look where I am now! Panicking! What’s happening to me?’
‘What’s happening is that you like him and that’s new for you. I know you built up this wall after your mum died, but it’s about time that wall came down, and this is what happens when you meet someone. Everyone has their own baggage, you know.’
I sniff, cradling the takeaway cup in one hand and my pastry in the other. Sugar and coffee will be my saviours.
Nat insists on a morning pamper session to take my mind off things and I definitely feel much calmer now I’ve smoothed a leave-in conditioner through my hair, while my best friend applies a clay face mask.
‘I haven’t asked how last night’s date was?’ I say, feeling guilty.
‘Let’s just say that the ramen and my outfit where the highlights.’
‘That bad, huh?’
‘He was just boring, that’s all,’ she says. ‘It’s nice to be back out there, though.’
‘You’re kicking heartbreak right in the nuts, Nat. I’m proud of you.’
She shrugs.
‘Seriously. From now on I’m going to call you Bounce because of how well you’re bouncing back from this. I don’t want to spend all morning talking about men because obviously we’ve got more pressing items on the agenda, like our plans to conquer the world …’
‘Or where we’re going on our next holiday …’ Nat adds.
‘Or whether we should move to New Zealand because they seem to have it sorted over there …’ I suggest.
‘Or if we should eat lasagne or pappardelle for dinner …’
I snort. ‘See! So much to discuss. But if I may just briefly go back to men again, I did want to ask how you are finding dating post-Jake?’
Natalie’s mask is crusting over like a salt-baked cod so she tries to talk without moving her lips. ‘It is a bit weird, but only because it’s all so new still. Sometimes I find myself thinking how much I’d like to go back to what Jake and I had but honestly Al, I think that’s because our relationship had turned into a habit. What I really miss is the comfort of knowing what was going to happen, if that makes sense? Having everything planned out felt safe. But I feel like I’ve adjusted to my new normal pretty quickly. You can’t pick and choose when life-changing things happen to you.’
I’d fallen quiet as I listened to my best friend and notice now that she’s trying to wiggle her eyebrows but it’s not very easy with a mud crust all over her face so she ends up nodding her head up and down instead. ‘In case you can’t tell, this is my this-story-is-relevant-to-you-too face,’ she says.
‘You can’t pick and choose when life-changing things happen to you?’ I repeat.
‘Exactly. I know you’re worried that you and Zach hooked up too quickly after his last relationship but you don’t get to decide the perfect time to meet someone new. Especially when that person is a glorious ray of sunshine called Alice. It took guts for him to tell you all that and I bet he’s worried you’ll …’
‘Do not say bolt.’
She presses her lips closed.
‘So … will you?’
I pull my hair into a messy bun as I think about it.
‘No,’ I say eventually. ‘You’re right, it did take guts.’
‘No one is baggage-free, Alice. We all have stories to tell.’
She’s right. And now that I’ve calmed down a bit I’m ready to reply to his message.
I appreciate your honesty Zach. I just want to make it clear that if I’m in this, then I need to know that you are too. I don’t want what happened in your last relationship to happen again with us.
Alice, I am so in this. He types back instantly.
Meet me at 9 a.m. next Saturday, then?
It’s a date. You won’t regret this x
‘Gerty! I’ve been very much looking forward to seeing you again,’ I grin, patting the car bonnet affectionately when she’s parked outside my house a week later as instructed. ‘Glad you brought your chauffeur, too,’ I nod towards Zach.
‘Objection, your honour. I’m also a gift-bearer,’ Zach says, nervously handing me a large paper bag.
‘Shall I open it?’
‘That’s sort of the point,’ he teases.
I reach inside, pulling out a framed piece of art. Bright splashes of colour cluster together like an abstract bunch of flowers. I trace it with my finger. It’s signed by
Zach.
‘You painted this?’
‘I was in the studio thinking about you and playing around with colour. I thought you might like it?’ He looks so hopeful.
‘I love it. I’m really touched you made this for me.’
‘It’s my way of saying thanks, I guess. For giving me a chance. I want you to know that I am so into what we have.’
I look over at him, struck with how much he seems to care, and feel instantly like I’ve made the right decision.
‘Plus you said you were redecorating so I thought you might like to have something new to hang on your walls when you’re done?’ He’s leaning against Gerty and watching me nervously.
‘That’s really sweet, Zach. So, shall we?’
‘Let’s. You might want to tell me where we’re going first, though.’
‘Clue: cheap meatballs.’
‘IKEA?’
I high five my date. ‘Hells yes. Have you seen 500 Days of Summer?’
Zach nods. Of course he has.
‘Well, I was writing a list of stuff I need to decorate when it struck me that there’s no bigger test than going to IKEA with the guy you’re seeing. And you’re convinced I’m a commitment-phobe so …’
‘Are you going to prove to me that you’re not?’
‘I’m definitely going to pretend I’m Zooey Deschanel and also eat a lot of meatballs.’
Laughing, Zach opens up the passenger door and I hop in.
‘Tiny pencil?’ I ask.
‘Check.’
‘Store map?’
‘Check.’
‘Trolley?’
‘Do we really need a trolley? I thought you said you only needed a couple of bits …’
‘Let me stop you right there,’ I interject. ‘It is a truth universally known that you cannot go to IKEA and only buy “a couple of bits”. Even the most focus-minded people get side-tracked by all the stuff. You just wait.’
‘All right, but you’re pushing,’ he grins.
‘Ooh, what a gentleman,’ I joke.
Now I’m making it my mission to plonk my bum down in every single room set-up we walk past, pretending that I live in each perfectly styled Scandinavian haven. Zach’s joined in and we’re making up role play scenarios in every one. Currently I’m Devil Boss, perched on the swivel chair in a home office set-up. I swing round to face Zach and bark: ‘What makes you think you’re qualified for this job?’
