by Hannah Doyle
‘You mean when they called me your girlfriend?’
I clear my throat. ‘Yup. I was wondering, um, how it made you feel?’
She’s doing that thing where she falls silent again, lost in thought.
‘Because we’ve been seeing each other for a while now and I was hoping …’ I pause, still haunted by her three-date rule and the constant fear that she might grow tired of me soon. But fear isn’t going to get me anywhere, is it? And now that I’ve started, there’s no way I can stop. ‘I was hoping to ask if you’d like to have me as your boyfriend?’
It’s out. There’s no going back. I can’t even look at her. She’s going to panic that I’ve pushed her too far and run for the hills, right?
I feel her hand reach out to hold mine and I chance a look at her.
‘Zach, I would very much like to be your girlfriend,’ she says, a huge smile reaching across her face.
Lucky doesn’t cover it. I wrap my arms around her, pulling her in close and feeling the warmth of her body next to mine as I let it sink in. Alice leans up to kiss me and I’m not sure today could get any better.
‘There I was thinking my nieces might have thrown me under a bus and it turns out they did me a huge favour,’ I laugh after a while.
‘Ha, I bet it’s not the first time they’ve done something like that.’
‘They’ve been a handful since day one,’ I say, still high on the fact that Alice is my girlfriend now. I can’t believe it! ‘Apparently twins run in the family. Ellie and Raff hadn’t expected it and I know they’ve found it challenging, especially when Fran and Sienna were babies.’
‘I bet. Kids must be the ultimate test of any relationship.’
Would Alice like kids one day? My brain is shouting the question so loud I’m surprised she can’t hear it.
Mate. Chill out.
Just enjoy this moment and for fuck’s sake do not ask that question.
Ellie bustles out through the French windows, saving me from diving in way too deep. ‘I’ve left Raff in charge. The girls turn into monsters at bedtime. Sorry, did I interrupt?’
‘We were just talking about how tough it must be when you have kids, but you and Raff seem to be doing an amazing job,’ Alice says.
‘That’s down to a mixture of love, patience and a fully stocked wine cupboard,’ Ellie grins.
Alice laughs. ‘No doubt. You make it look very easy.’
‘For me, becoming a mum was something I knew in my bones I’d love to do one day, if I was lucky enough to. I’m aware that not everyone feels the same way though. I’ve been listening to a fascinating podcast about women who’ve decided not to have kids for whatever reason.’
‘You’ll have to give me the name of it,’ Alice says, leaning into the conversation. ‘For so long motherhood has been seen as the ultimate achievement for a woman and it’s just bollocks, isn’t it? What about career success? Or opting out for ecological reasons? Or just simply not being maternal? It really annoys me when motherhood is seen as the defining feature of being a woman.’
‘You should definitely listen to this podcast then,’ Ellie says.
And I guess I have my answer. I know that we’ve made huge progress today. Alice is officially my girlfriend which is something I’ve wanted for a while now. Still, as lucky as I feel, I can’t help but worry that I want a family one day and maybe she doesn’t.
Mini-Break
Alice
‘He is definitely no alpha,’ I say as Nat throws an assortment of miniature shampoos into my travel bag. I’ve been thinking back to Zach’s teenage comics at lunch last weekend and Captain Zach the Brainiac may be my favourite thing about him. Each black and white square of the adorable comics was filled with images of his anime alter ego being super cute. Not fighting dragons or rescuing princesses or any other misogynistic crap. His cartoon character had superpowers like standing up for the kid getting bullied in class, or whisking grannies in care homes off on fun adventures, or building massive dens for him to store his comic collection. I mean.
‘A soft bro,’ she nods knowingly.
‘A what?’
‘It’s the opposite of an alpha. Let’s take a look at the evidence. Is Zach charming?’
‘Yes.’
‘Sensitive?’
‘Definitely yes.’
‘Thoughtful and into talking about his feelings?’
‘Yes and yes.’
‘Classic soft bro, babes.’
‘Is that a good thing?’
Nat rolls her eyes good-naturedly. ‘What do you think? Remember Jake? Every time one of his mates had a break-up they’d go out “celebrating” with a night on the lash. They’d be necking shots and eyeing up women in bodycon like the emotionally stunted fuckboys they truly were. The kind of men who’d suggest a few “brewskis” after work.’
Brewskis. I cover my hands with my ears.
‘Toxic, the lot of them,’ she says.
‘I’m sensing you still feel a bit raw, Nat.’
She considers this. ‘It’s more that I’m annoyed with myself. Why did I dedicate a chunk of my twenties to putting up with that behaviour? Jake was a boisterous dickhead and I went along with it. Worse than that, I actually wanted to spend my life with him. I should have listened when you voiced your concerns right from the start. But I dismissed them because you weren’t looking for a partner so you didn’t get it, or that’s what I thought. Turns out that none of that mattered, anyway. It was his character that was the problem, not the circumstances.’
‘Oh love, don’t be hard on yourself. Jake was a fool but he did have a certain charm and it seemed like you were happy.’
‘That’s the worst bit. I was happy. I thought being with the man who’d buy drinks for the entire pub when he hit his work targets was the height of sophistication. The man who’d deliberately order the steak when we ate out with vegan friends just to be provocative. What was I thinking?’
‘When you’re in it, you can’t always see it. You’ve been able to step away and get some major clarity this summer, Nat. The guys you’ve been seeing lately have been so different to Jake, I guess it’s opened up a whole new world.’
‘All right, Katie Price,’ she laughs.
‘Shut up. I’d obviously be Peter Andre.’
‘Har har. You’re right though, it’s been nice to get some perspective.’
‘So which lucky man are you seeing while I’m away this weekend?’
Nat pops a couple of mini conditioners into my bag. She was given a tote filled with samples after organising a beauty brand’s launch event and I am forever grateful for the perks of her job.
‘No one, actually.’
I stop shoving shorts into my rucksack. ‘No one?’
My best friend shrugs. ‘I’m going to take some time for myself.’
‘Are you sure you’re okay?’
‘Just a bit of Tinder fatigue, I think. I fancy some me time. Don’t look so worried! I’m going to catch up with mates, go to the cinema and take myself out for pie and mash. Meanwhile you’re going on a minibreak with your boyfriend this weekend. We’ve basically swapped roles,’ she giggles.
I laugh at that. She’s right.
It’s just Zach, Gerty and I cruising through the Lake District with another of Zach’s impeccable playlists providing the soundtrack. I’m into his eclectic taste in music. Some stuff I recognise and some stuff that sounds like it might be played on one of those ultra-cool French radio stations that are impossible to find. The minute we hit Cumbria the landscape opens out into expansive views of windswept hills and exposed crags, a patchwork quilt of browns and greens. I wind my window down (that’s how old Gerty is) and shout out into the wild, ‘WOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!’
‘It’s like going for a drive with Tiny the dog,’ Zach laughs.
‘Rude. I’m just expressing my enthusiasm.’
Zach winds his own window down. ‘WOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!’ he calls, before quickly pulling his head back in as an articulat
ed lorry trundles past on the other side of the road. His hair’s all mussed up from the wind.
‘Feels good, doesn’t it?’
He grins and my insides somersault. A whole weekend with Zach. I’m really, really excited. It’s been ages since I’ve had a Saturday off but Eve kindly offered to take on the wedding we had booked in for this weekend and when the clients saw what she was capable of, they were more than happy to let her run the show. I’m the first to admit that I can be a bit micro-manage-y when it comes to my flower shop. The business is my baby and I’m definitely guilty of wanting to be involved in everything. But Eve is brilliant and has such a natural flare with her styling. So here I am, taking time off and going on a mini-break with an actual man I like.
New me who dis?
‘Left or right?’ Zach asks as we approach a fork in the road.
‘I’m guessing left?’
‘You’re guessing?’
‘That sign says Windermere so …’
‘Alice, did you print off a map before we left?’
‘No I did not, Grandad! I’d forgotten that Gerty doesn’t have satnav,’ I add sheepishly.
‘What about a map on your phone?’
I check. ‘No signal.’
‘Perhaps now’s the time to tell me where we’re going? Two heads are better than one and all that.’
‘You’re going to love it,’ I say confidently. The artist’s residency I found online has Zach written all over it. Floor-to-ceiling windows with views of the lake. Minimalist interiors. Its own jetty! I cannot wait to see it.
I cannot see it. That’s because it’s pitch black by the time we arrive. The place is literally in the middle of nowhere and with no satnav or phone signal, Zach and I had to stop at every village we drove through to ask for help. Hardly anyone had heard of it. Eventually we found an old lady chasing after chickens in the garden of her remote cottage and Zach was so charming with her, offering to help round them up for the night, that once she’d given us directions she handed us homemade cheese, a dozen eggs and a packet of sausages as we left. Now that we’re finally here, the owner of the residency is less pleased. We were meant to check in at 4 p.m., he keeps grumbling. We offer sincere apologies and let him harrumph for a bit longer before I shepherd him towards the front door. It’s time to light some candles, open some wine and get our mini-break on.
‘Just look at that view,’ Zach says, relaxing in a chair as I sizzle our free sausages on the outdoor grill. I pad over and plonk myself on his lap, following his gaze. The sky is so dark now and without the glare of any big cities, we find ourselves under a canopy of stars.
‘It’s beautiful,’ I whisper.
Zach wraps a blanket around both of us and I settle my head on his chest. I feel peaceful and still and quite frisky to be honest. But first, sausages.
I’d have happily spent out first morning in the Lakes scoffing breakfast and admiring the view but Adventure Pants has other ideas. Swimming in the lake. It looks absolutely freezing in the water and Zach is not doing a very good job of pretending otherwise.
‘It’s exhilarating,’ he calls back at me, teeth chattering. I’ve a big fluffy towel wrapped around my body and I’m pretty cosy thank you very much. However Zach has a gentle persuasion technique … it’s called his face. Droplets of water trickle from his forehead down to his jawline. There’s a smile curling at his lips. Frankly I’d be a fool to resist, so I let my towel drop to the floor and dive in head first.
‘ARGHHHHHHHHHHH,’ I splutter as I surface.
Zach swims over. ‘I probably should have said that getting your head wet isn’t the best idea.’
‘I. Can’t. Feel. My. Limbs,’ I gasp.
Zach wraps his arms around me as he treads water.
‘Is my bikini still on?’
‘Sadly, yes,’ he grins. ‘Are you warming up?’
‘I think so. Either that or hypothermia has set in.’
‘Follow me,’ he says, taking long, strong strides out into the lake. I splash along behind him, mesmerised by the grass-covered mountains all lit up with the morning’s golden glow. The water’s a dazzling blue as it reflects the cloudless sky above.
‘This is actually very refreshing,’ I announce after a while, flipping onto my back and staring at the birds of prey soaring overhead. He does the same and we hold hands like otters and my heart feels full.
‘I think it’s illegal to visit the Lakes without eating sticky toffee pudding,’ I explain to Zach as we stumble upon a shop selling very little else. After drying off this morning, we warmed up with a long, hot shower together before hopping in the car, driving alongside the majestic lake until we reached Ambleside, where outdoorsy shops nestle next to chic delis.
‘I wouldn’t want to break the law,’ he says, grabbing a basket and promptly filling it with puddings. I definitely like this guy. ‘Perhaps we should get something else for dinner though?’
I blink.
‘It’s just a suggestion,’ he says, the lines around his green eyes creasing in amusement. ‘But a main course wouldn’t go amiss. Or are we really just going to eat a sticky toffee pudding each tonight?’
Now he’s said it out loud I realise it’s perhaps not the sexiest plan I’ve ever had. So much stodge. ‘Okay fine,’ I concede. ‘There’s a deli over there to sate your savoury tastes.’
After paying for our puds, we walk hand-in-hand across the road and spend a lot of time admiring everything behind the deli counter. Sensing that we’re in no rush, the shop assistant offers us a selection of cheeses to try and when we both like the blue one best, Zach seems genuinely thrilled. I find myself chuckling at his reaction. ‘One of the things I love about you is how into food you are,’ he says. Then he stops talking and stares immediately at the ground.
He definitely just used the word love.
Do not panic Alice.
‘I will basically eat anything,’ I say, trying to ease how awkward we both feel. But seriously, love? We’re not there yet, I tell myself. I think back to the first time we met at Zach’s exhibition, to how he told me that he’s an ‘I love love’ kind of guy right before he asked me on twenty-six dates. I’d fully believed we wouldn’t get past date three and yet here we are, on a mini-break for our M date. Just last week he asked me to be his girlfriend and now he’s talking about love? I pretend to be fascinated by the cheese counter while suddenly feeling like our relationship has gone from zero to 100 in the space of seven days. I like hanging out with Zach but I can’t help but feeling like I’m on the verge of a freak-out.
The rain comes down in fat droplets just as we finish dinner on the jetty. Zach piles the plates up on his toned arms while I grab the wine glasses and we dash inside, laughing. ‘That one was like a missile,’ I shout as a raindrop splashes on my nose. Inside he’s wiping his glasses on his T-shirt, a glimpse of torso on show. He hands me a tea towel with a lopsided grin and we busy ourselves making things cosy inside the little living room. It’s too hot to light the fire but we dot more candles around and keep the lights down low, snuggling up on the sofa and gazing out of the vast windows. Every time I look at the lake something has changed. It’s magical.
I top up our wine glasses up. An Italian red because obviously.
‘I don’t think I’ve told you how much I enjoyed meeting Ellie, Raff and the girls at lunch,’ I say as I curl back into his body.
Zach turns his head to listen.
‘Really? They can be quite full on,’ he says.
‘In the best kind of way. I especially enjoyed it when Raff challenged Ellie to a washing up competition at the end of the night. They’re like a pair of kids.’
‘So competitive,’ Zach grins. ‘And I think they wanted to give us time to ourselves.’
‘They wouldn’t let me help! After I’d eaten all their food and lounged around in their garden all day. It was bliss.’
I can see Zach smile at this.
‘It’s lovely that you’re so close,’ I add.
‘We always have been. After my parents divorced it was pretty much just the two of us. Mum and Dad have always been career driven and I admire that, you know? But Raff and I always felt like an obligation to them, rather than anything else.’
I run my hand across his chest in sympathy.
‘It’s fine,’ he says. ‘I’m very aware that I had a fortunate upbringing in so many ways. Mum and Dad’s cold approach to parenting was more than made up for by Nonna. But she was in Italy and Raff and I kind of became each other’s emotional support. I feel very lucky to have him and his family, now. I would love to have that for myself one day.’
With my head now on his chest, I can hear Zach’s heart beating faster while mine feels like it has stopped still. This setting is so perfect for romantic declarations of love, for promises of future lives shared. The house. The kids. Suddenly I can hear Natalie’s words when she was reeling from her split with Jake echoing around in my mind. How her main source of heartbreak was that she felt like their future of monogamy, marriage and multiple children had been stolen from her.
That feeling of being on the edge of freaking out rears its ugly head again, only this time I’m too close to the edge. My stomach lurches as I realise that I can’t stop myself from falling.
And I panic.
My heart rate shoots up and I can feel it pumping against my ribcage. My palms are clammy and the walls are closing in around me. Zach shifts, sensing the mood change.
‘Are you okay?’
‘Just a bit hot,’ I mutter. ‘I’m going to grab some fresh air. You stay.’ I pull on my shoes and rush outside.
I’m pacing up and down the jetty, oblivious to the rain blasting my face and soaking my top through to the skin. I’m too busy trying to get my breathing straight. In. Out. In. Out. With every steadying breath I can feel my heart-rate begin to settle but the questions in my mind won’t follow suit.
What are you doing, Alice? You don’t date. And now you’re in a relationship with the ultimate romantic who split up with his ex hours before you met and who wants a family one day.
Am I messing with his emotions as much as my own? And if so, why? Suddenly I feel like I’ve got us both into such a mess. I tip my head up to face the rain and cry.
