by Jessie Cooke
Madison was stunned that Dax was talking to her about things so private. She was even more stunned that he thought his own father had loved hers more than he did his own son. She wasn’t sure what to say so she simply told the truth, “Dad used to tell me how proud your father was of you.” Hawk talked a lot about Doc when she was a kid, and a lot about how much Doc loved his family.
Dax smiled again. “I know he was proud of me, and that he loved me…now. But it’s different when you’re a kid. You don’t understand that there are different levels of love and respect. So, I grew up hating Hawk for something that wasn’t even his fault. The bond that he and my old man had started with something no one else could ever understand the way they did…the club. This club meant something to both of them that no one else could fathom. When Hawk left, I was a teenager. Doc was getting older and things weren’t going great for the club. My mother died then…and that broke his heart too. Old Doc Marshall wasn’t the same man I knew as a kid, the one that I thought could conquer the world. But I didn’t blame my mother’s death, or the club’s problems with the police and feds…or even Doc himself. I blamed Hawk. I was sure that his betrayal had broken my dad’s heart…and I blamed him for everything bad that happened after that.”
“I’m sure it was devastating.”
Dax sighed and said, “It would have been…if it were true.”
“I don’t understand. It’s not only what I heard from Dad, but from everyone since I’ve been on the ranch. Are you saying he lied to me?”
Dax nodded and said, “I’m sorry…but he lied to everyone, Madison, for decades.” She felt sick to her stomach. What Hawk had told her was bad…if he lied about it, did that mean it was even worse? Dax took a deep breath and said, “See, the other person my father loved, almost as much as himself, was my mother. No divorce or distance could make him stop loving her. She reached out to him one night…and he went to her, like he always did. I was a teenager at the time and my father came and went…he rarely told me where he was going. But when Hawk finally told me the truth…I started thinking back and I do remember him getting a phone call and then leaving in a big hurry. I didn’t see him again for days after that…but that was nothing new either. Anyways, when I finally caught up with Hawk several years ago, he told me what really happened. He said my mother had been badly beaten. My father was an asshole to my mother, a lot of the time…but he never physically hurt her. I can just imagine how the thought of someone else putting their hands on her made him feel. He lost his mind over it, and I don’t blame him. I’d be the same way if anyone ever laid a hand on Angel. Doc did massive damage, retaliating against the people who hurt her. He did what any man who loved a woman would do…but in doing so, he put her at bigger risk than she was already. He put himself at risk, and most of all he put the club at risk. If anyone had found out that he was the one who killed the VP of the Black Widows, there would have been a bloodbath, and the Skulls didn’t have it in them at that point to be the ones left standing.”
Madison’s mouth went dry and her hands were shaking. “Doc killed that man? But…I don’t understand, what about the gun deal my father set up…?”
Dax was shaking his head. “Hawk never went behind Doc’s back. He set it all up after the fact, to protect him…and then he didn’t tell a soul until I nearly beat him to death two decades later. He’s been protecting my old man since they were kids…for forty plus years, and he’ll go to his grave protecting him.”
“Oh my God.” Madison didn’t know what else to say. All these years, all the people who hated him, all the time he’d spent on the run…it was all about protecting the man that everyone thought he’d betrayed.
Dax smiled, sadly, and said, “I never told anyone because it was never my story to tell. Like I said, if it’s up to Hawk, he’ll go to his grave holding onto the secrets and they’ll just grow even more once he’s gone. But you deserve to know. After my old man died, I found out so many things about him that I didn’t know, and I felt cheated. Some of those things, he and I might have never talked about…but I hated that there was so much about him that I didn’t know. This thing…what Hawk did for Doc and the Skulls, this is who he is…and you deserve to know who your old man really is.”
Madison wiped the tears off her cheek and reached out and rested her hand on Dax’s. “You gave me a gift unlike any gift I ever received. Thank you, Dax. I just want you to know that I don’t plan on telling Hawk that you told me this, or anyone at the ranch. It must have meant a lot to him, to keep it to himself all of these years. But there is one other person who I think deserves to know, if you don’t mind?”
Dax nodded. “Yeah, Lion deserves to know too.”
She smiled. “Thank you. And by the way, none of this means I believe he’s going to die. I’m still not ready for that.”
Dax chuckled and said, “I’ve never been a superstitious person…but, if there was anyone I believed made a deal with the devil and might just live forever, it’s that old fucker in there.”
21
It was just over the six-hour mark when the doctor finally came out into the waiting room. Dax had sent Levi for coffee and food…but Madison’s stomach was too upset to eat any of it. She didn’t understand what was taking so long, and every hour that ticked by made her believe the news couldn’t possibly be good.
“Miss Benning?”
“Yes.” Madison and Dax both stood up. The stone-faced doctor glanced at Dax and then turned his attention back to Madison before he said:
“We’ve transferred your father to the ICU. He’s in room five. He’s had dialysis, but he was septic and his port was infected so we’ve put in a PICC line and…” Madison was shaking her head. He was talking too fast and she wanted him to slow down and explain things to her more clearly. He paused when he realized she wasn’t processing what he was saying. He cleared his throat and that was when Dax said:
“Maybe you could explain this in layman’s terms.”
“He’s dying,” the doctor said, completely without emotion. Madison saw Dax out of the corner of her eye. He was narrowing his own on the doctor’s face. Nervously the doctor said, “I’m sorry.”
“No. We’re looking for a kidney donor for him. He’s going to be okay. People are still getting tested. We’ll find one…” She felt an ache in her own kidney that she knew wasn’t real. It was guilt. She was carrying around the kidney he needed and she couldn’t give it to him.
The doctor mustered up an almost sympathetic look, and said, “Miss Benning, his one kidney hasn’t been functioning at all for quite some time. From the records I received from his doctor it looks like maybe he hasn’t been all that compliant with his treatment…his blood alcohol level was one and a half times the legal limit when you brought him in. His blood sugar was over four hundred, which is extremely dangerous. He’s been on insulin for quite some time…”
“Insulin? He’s diabetic?”
The doctor nodded. “He didn’t tell you?” She shook her head. He didn’t tell her anything. “The diabetes is what led to his kidney disease and it’s just worsened over time. Then there is his blood pressure, which was so high that it’s a small miracle that he didn’t have a stroke.” Madison felt the tears sliding down her cheeks as he spoke and her body began to tremble. “I’m sorry, but even if you found a donor, he’s just not a candidate for a transplant. His other organs are shutting down, not just his kidney.”
Madison felt Dax’s hand on her shoulder. She wanted to crumble to her knees and cry. She was thirty-five years old and she’d spent a big part of her life without Hawk directly in it…but she’d always known he was there. She’d never once reached out to him when he didn’t answer…not even when he was fucking up his own life. “Can I see him?”
“Sure, but just understand that he might not be completely coherent, or even conscious. He’s been in and out and he’s confused when he is awake.” She nodded and the doctor started to turn and go, and she said:
“Wait
…how long? How much longer does he have?”
The doctor looked at her and slowly shook his head. “Maybe weeks, or maybe days…it depends on how well he responds to treatment.”
Weeks? Days? Madison felt like she couldn’t move. How long had he been sick, suffering alone, and why didn’t he feel like he could tell her? “Did you know he was sick?” she asked Dax.
He shook his head. “No. I’m sorry. Since he came back, I’ve pretty much just let him pick and choose what jobs he wanted. He hadn’t gone on any long rides for a while. I wouldn’t let him go get you and he insisted Lion be the one to do that, and then he requested to go on the ride to Texas with Lion.”
“It was his idea to go to Texas?”
Dax nodded. “Yeah, he was pretty insistent on it. There’s been bad blood between him and Lion for so many years, and I was hoping Hawk meant to clear it up on that ride. I’m sorry, Madison. I wouldn’t have let him go, if I’d known he was sick.”
“I know. It’s not your fault. The stubborn old fool would have done what he wanted anyways,” she said with a sob. Dax opened his arms and gave her a hug and when she pulled away he asked:
“Do you want me to walk up with you?”
“No. Thank you, Dax. I’m okay.” She really wasn’t, but there was nothing anyone could do at that point, short of a miracle.
“Do you want me to call anyone for you?”
She smiled and wiped at her face. “No, thank you. I’ll call my mother in a bit. I just need to see him. Thank you so much for being here.”
Dax patted her shoulder. “You’ll call if you need anything.” It wasn’t a question but she was grateful for him. She nodded and then as she walked away she could almost feel his intense, worried gaze. Some small part of her felt better, knowing at last that Dax didn’t hate her father and that the men who did just didn’t understand him. A small part of her wanted to tell them all that Hawk was really a good man, but the bigger part of her knew it wouldn’t ever be what he wanted. He took an almost twisted kind of pride in the fact that everyone hated him, and as strange as she thought that was, it was all he really had left at this point.
She stopped when she got to the tenth floor and washed her face so he couldn’t see that she’d been crying. Once she was buzzed onto the unit a nurse showed her to his room and slid the glass doors open for her. Lying in the bed, strapped up to at least a dozen different machines and looking like something out of an alien movie was a caricature of her big, tough old man. His dark eyes were open and she watched as they focused on her face, and then he smiled. “Bella, it’s so good to see your beautiful face.”
Madison spent over two hours with Hawk, sitting at his bedside and listening to him talk when he drifted in and out. Sometimes he thought he was talking to her mother and as sad as it was, it was heartwarming as well, to hear him tell her how much he loved her and how she’d been the best thing in his life. Sometimes he knew it was her, but that seemed to confuse him. He’d talk about Doc and getting back to the ranch, and then look at Madison like he was trying to figure out how she’d managed to grow up. For a while he talked about Dolly, and Lion. His face lit up as much when he talked about them as it did when he thought she was her mother. He had just fallen back to sleep when the nurse came in and finally told her she would have to go. Visiting hours were over in the ICU, and she could come back to see him the next day. Madison kissed his forehead and told him she loved him, wondering how many more times she had to do that before he was gone.
With tears clouding her vision and the picture of him looking so weak and frail in her mind’s eye, she walked out of the ICU, into the hallway and right into Lion, who had obviously been waiting for her. He opened his arms and she folded into them, and that was when she finally lost it. Lion walked her over to the waiting room and pulled her down into his lap. She sobbed into him while he held her in a warm cocoon of tattooed arms and dreadlocks.
Madison didn’t know how much time passed when she finally pulled her head up and looked at Lion’s face. His green eyes were filled with pain and sympathy. It made her want to start crying all over again. “I’m sorry,” she said, wiping at her face. “God, I got your vest all wet and your shirt has makeup on it, and…”
“Shh, stop.” He reached underneath himself and pulled out a clean blue bandanna. Handing it to her he said, “I don’t care about any of that, and you look beautiful.” That made her laugh, snort really, and then she started to hiccup. Lion sat patiently until she had settled down again and then he said, “We should get you out of here. You need some rest.” Madison nodded and stood up. Lion stood up too, not letting go of her hand as he did.
“Did Dax call you?”
He nodded. “Yeah. I was on my way back from New York. Sorry it took me so long to get here.” They stepped into the elevator and she said:
“Don’t be sorry. I’m so glad you came at all.”
He made a face and said, “Of course I came. Did you think I wouldn’t?”
The elevator began to move and she said, “I don’t know. I guess I just don’t know what to think any more.”
“Hey.” He put his fingers underneath her chin and tipped her face up to his. “I don’t know what this is, between us. I don’t know how to do this…adult relationship thing. But I do care about you, Madison, and…” She waited and when he didn’t go on she said:
“And my dad?” The elevator dinged and the doors slid open. Lion took it as a way out and led her out of the elevator. They didn’t speak again until they were outside next to his bike. He grimaced then as he turned to her and said:
“Dax told me what the doctor said. I’m sorry.” Madison felt her eyes well with tears again and she said:
“I’m sorry. I can’t talk about it right now. I think I need a bottle of wine and some chocolate.”
He cocked an eyebrow, but slid on his bike and handed her his helmet. Once Madison was on the back, arms around Lion and the warm night breeze blowing in her face, she started to feel almost human again. It was easy to see how they got so addicted to their bikes, and their lifestyles. She closed her eyes and leaned into him and didn’t open them again until she felt him slowing down to turn. She was surprised to see that he’d turned into the parking lot of a little strip mall, and was parking in front of a liquor store. Once he turned off the ignition, she slid off and he stood up and said, “I’ll be right back.” Madison waited for him and minutes later he was back with a paper sack in hand. “You want to go to the ranch, or my place?”
“Yours,” she said. “If that’s okay?”
He nodded and they got back on the bike. He handed her the surprisingly heavy bag and she didn’t find out what was in it until they were back at his place and he’d made her sit down on the couch. He pulled out two bottles of wine. One was a white zinfandel and the other a rose. “I don’t know anything about wine,” he said. Madison smiled.
“You did just fine. Thank you.” He nodded and emptied the rest of the contents in the bag out onto the coffee table. Dark chocolate bars, milk chocolate, white chocolate, and truffles rolled out. She giggled and in an embarrassed voice he said:
“Or chocolate.”
“Again, you did great. Thank you.”
He nodded again. “I’ll get some glasses.” She watched him disappear into the kitchen. Her heart still hurt in her chest and she was still having a hard time believing her father was dying…but somehow just being there with Lion had made it better; it had taken the edge off her pain at least. “I don’t have any glasses,” he said, returning with two mason jars. Madison smiled up at him. He was embarrassed about how he lived, but she thought his simplicity was refreshing, and adorable.
“Those will work,” she said. She opened the wine, neither of which had a cork, and poured them each a glass. Lion picked his up and looked at it like it might bite him, but when she held hers out and said, “To my dad,” he clicked his jar to hers and said:
“To Hawk.” The first drink of wine caused a hilarious
look to cross Lion’s face, but Madison kept a straight one and said:
“So, did Dax tell you the doctor said the transplant is not going to happen, even if we do find a donor?”
He nodded. “I’m sorry. I know you were counting on that.”
“Yeah. I guess I’ve been naive. I did a lot of research and I knew his lifestyle wasn’t conducive to being a good candidate.” Again, her eyes began to sting. “I just didn’t want to accept that I could be losing him.” They sat silently for a while, sipping their wine. Madison opened one of the chocolate bars and offered Lion a piece.
“I don’t eat chocolate.”
She frowned. “Ever?”
“Nope. I don’t eat processed sugar.”
She chuckled and said, “You constantly surprise me.” Popping a chunk of the chocolate in her mouth and savoring it she said, “There’s something I want to tell you and I hope you’ll listen with an open mind, okay?”
He frowned and put his mason jar down. “Okay.”
“Dax told me some things today, about my dad. They’re things no one else knows and I don’t plan on telling anyone, other than you. But Dax thought I deserved to know, and I think you do too.” He looked intrigued and Madison went on, telling him what Dax told her almost word for word. Lion’s face was expressive while she talked, but he didn’t interrupt her. When she finished he cleared his throat and then in a voice that was almost a whisper he said:
“He never betrayed Doc?”
“No. Dax says he didn’t.”
“He left to save the club…to save Doc?” She knew it was a rhetorical question by the look on his face. Suddenly he stood up, and clenching his fists at his sides he said, “He let me hate him, all those years. Why the fuck didn’t he tell me?”
