No, Ava was probably reading into things, reaching for trouble that didn’t exist. Even if Ian was thinking about Emily, so what? Past relationships were probably just like other memories. Sometimes things, people, or places brought them to mind. It didn’t mean you wanted or missed that relationship. Nor did it need to be a cause for concern.
Ian released her waist and said something about missing the performance before taking her hand. She followed him as he threaded through the crowd until they were at the edge of the dance floor. Easing her in front of him so she’d have an unencumbered view, he let go of her hand. Ava allowed herself to be distracted by the complex steps of the energetic dancers before her.
The four couples were a part of a folkloric dance company that would be performing at a theater in St. Thomas this weekend, according to the signs they’d set up by the stage. Of course, she and Ian would be gone by then. Not counting the rest of today, they only had two days left in St. John.
She wasn’t ready to leave. The idea of facing the real world, potentially standing up to her parents, trying to figure out what to do with her life… It was overwhelming.
Shaking her head slightly, she refocused on the dancers just as they hit their final pose. She clapped with the rest of the crowd as the music started again. The dancers began salsa dancing once more. This time they fanned out toward the crowd and chose dance partners from the bystanders. It was a clever way to get people back on the dance floor. Of course, some folks were more adept than others in leading or following the professionals.
A troupe member dressed in all blue appeared before Ava with his hand extended. Instinct from a few too many dance classes made her hand lift toward his before she stopped herself and leaned back against Ian’s chest. He nudged her forward slightly. “It’s ok.”
The troupe member tugged on her hand and she was out on the dance floor, automatically following his lead in a basic salsa step. She glanced back to find Ian watching with his hands in his pockets. If she was going to dance with anyone, she wanted it to be with him. That’s why she’d shied away. Not because she was seeking his permission to dance with someone else.
“Does your boyfriend dance?”
Blinking, she met the dark brown eyes of her partner. It was a good question. Did Ian dance? Suddenly, his sorrowful, self-condemning words filled her memory, ‘We went out dancing with a group of friends. Emily had been acting kind of strange leading up to that night…’
That night. The night of the accident. Compassion filled her. Oh, Ian.
Had he not danced since? She couldn’t imagine him doing so with Emily in such dire straits—still in such dire straits. Perhaps Ava should suggest they leave, but would that really help? They couldn’t avoid everything that reminded Ian of Emily. Especially on a night like tonight when she was beginning to suspect everything did.
Her dance partner leaned closer to repeat his question. “Does your boyfriend dance?”
Ian danced, but would he do so with her? Ava offered a little shrug. “I don’t know.”
“Well, I hope he does for your sake. You’re very good.”
She smiled. “Thank you.”
“You two should come to our performance this weekend.”
“I wish, but we won’t be here that long.”
He nodded, then deftly led her into a series of complex turn patterns that took her full-concentration to follow. Once they made it through, he grinned. “Flawless. Wish I could stay, but duty calls.”
Suddenly, her hand was placed in a stranger’s. Apparently, this was happening all over the dance floor as the dance troupe abandoned their partners to claim new ones. Ava’s gaze flew to where she’d left Ian only to see him staring at the ground with his brow furrowed. Lost in memories again?
Her lapse in concentration allowed the stranger to pull her into a loose closed-hold. She glanced up at the slender man with a receding brown hair line and matching tawny eyes. As much as she wanted to return to Ian, it would be rude to walk away. She’d dance with him a little, then make her excuses.
“Hi, I’m Dave.” He smiled at her as he led her into a basic salsa step without much finesse.
“I’m Av—ery.”
His eyes twinkled. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”
She couldn’t help but laugh. “Actually, you’re doing pretty well.”
“Am I?”
Flirtatious. Very flirtatious.
“Not that well. I have a boyfriend. In fact, I should probably—”
Suddenly, Dave looked very nervous. “Is he the tall blond guy who looks like he’s about to kill me?”
“What?” Her confusion only lasted a moment before Ian’s hand touched her back.
The look he gave Dave wasn’t threatening per se. However, it firmly communicated “hands off” with enough confidence to make threats unnecessary. Dave got the message and thanked her for the dance before disappearing into the crowd.
They stood there—the only motionless couple on the dance floor. Ian leaned closer to be heard over the music. “Are you ready to leave?”
“Leave?” She shouldn’t have been surprised by him wanting to leave. Nor should she be disappointed. He’d been through something traumatic. She knew that. It wasn’t about dancing. It was about him not being able to let go of the past, about him being held captive by the memory of someone else.
If he was going to let guilt and pain control him to the point where he wouldn’t even allow himself to enjoy the present, what did that mean for their future? Did they even have one? Did he even want one? Did she?
She searched his gaze. “You want to leave?”
Something akin to desperation flashed across his face. “Yeah, I do.”
Well, if he didn’t want to stay, she wouldn’t force or cajole him into it. Pulling in a deep breath, she offered a soft smile. “Ok, Ian. Let’s go.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Letting Ava dance away with a Smurf wouldn’t go down as one of his finest moments. Nor would getting so lost in thought that he’d failed to see the Smurf hand her off to someone else. He’d almost lost track of her completely.
He hadn’t been prepared for the surge of possessiveness he’d felt at the sight of another man’s hand guiding hers, pressing her back, touching her waist. The easy, instinctive way she’d responded had only made it worse. And, in that moment, he’d realized exactly what Emily must have felt when he danced with other girls.
He hadn’t just danced, though, he’d flirted. Year after year. No wonder she’d exploded that night.
Dancing had been their thing. Her parents had been social dancers. It was how they’d met. They’d wanted to pass their skill and love of dancing down to their children, but Justin hadn’t been interested.
Ian had stood in so Emily would have a partner. He’d let the talent fall by the wayside in middle school, but realized its power in high school and dusted off his skills. He’d spent many a night squiring Emily and her very attractive friends around the dance floor over the years.
Yet, Emily was always his go-to partner. All those years of practice had given them a strong connection, allowing them to anticipate each other and improvise until the whole club would stop to watch them. Emily had loved it.
He’d hadn’t stepped foot on a dance floor since the accident. He hadn’t even considered it. Tonight was no different.
Thankfully, Ava didn’t waste any time in walking back to the Jeep. She didn’t wait for him to open the car door for her either before sliding inside. Pulling out of the parking lot, he headed in the direction of their villas and placed his hand on her knee. She crossed her legs, leaning them away from him. His hand fell to the seat.
He set it back on the steering wheel and stole a quick glance at her. Hands placed delicately in her lap, she stared out the window at the dark rainforest. The soft reflection hinted at her expression. Carefully blank. Remote. Out of reach in more ways than one.
Realization
swept over him like an unexpected wave. He’d messed up. He’d really messed up. His mind settled on that moment on the dance floor when he’d suggested they leave. There’d been a flash of disappointment on her face follow by resignation. He’d been so focused on getting out of there that he hadn’t taken the time to question it.
Oh, man. He eased off the gas. “You wanted to stay and dance. We can go back.”
“No, thank you.”
He pulled over at the next overlooked and stopped the car. “Ava, I can turn around.”
“I have no desire to dance with strangers.”
In other words, she’d wanted to dance with him, and like an idiot, he’d been too caught up in himself to notice. If he had, would he have danced with her? Resistance rose within him, causing his jaw to tighten. “I’m sorry. I should have asked you to dance.”
“Why didn’t you?”
He sighed. “The last time I went dancing was the night of Emily’s accident. It’s what we argued about before…”
Her gaze finally met his in the dark. “Before she kissed you the first time.”
‘The first time’ meaning Ava knew there had to have been other times? Feeling decidedly uncomfortable, he nodded. “Dancing was kind of our thing. Now, she can’t even walk. Somehow dancing with someone else seemed…”
Wrong? Disloyal? He couldn’t find the right word, so he let the sentence fade. It was probably for the best because even that much made Ava shake her head and stepped out the Jeep. “I need some air.”
He watched her round the car and stand at the overlook’s stone balustrade. Turning off the Jeep, he tucked the keys into his pocket and got out the car. He took a small step toward her. “Ava, look. I didn’t mean to—”
“Is that really all I am to you, Ian?” She turned to him, searching his face. “‘Someone else?’ Someone who isn’t Emily?”
“No.” He erased most of the distance between them in a single step. “Ava, no. You… You are the woman I… The woman I love.”
She took a small step back. “I am one of the women you love. Maybe you don’t love Emily in exactly the same way. Maybe you do. At this point, I don’t know. What I do know is that I’m starting to feel like the other woman in my own relationship.”
Her words reverberated through him until he realized they were true. He’d been distracted all evening, thinking about Emily from the moment he’d told Ava he was falling in love with her. Even before that, how many times had he felt guilty while being with Ava?
He’d barely allowed himself to touch her until her apathy toward their chemistry had riled him to his senses. He’d told himself he was trying to honor God by being hands off. What if all that time he’d actually been trying to honor his failed relationship with Emily? It would explain an awful lot about his thoughts, his behavior, everything.
He grimaced. “I’m sorry, Ava. I shouldn’t have made you feel that way. Obviously, it isn’t true.”
“Look, I know you didn’t intend to hurt my feelings, but the only thing obvious to me is that you still have a lot of unresolved feeling for Emily.” She gave him a sad smile. “Maybe what you two had isn’t over. She might take you back if that’s what you want.”
“What?” he exclaimed. “Are you seriously telling me you want me to get back together with Emily?”
“No.” She reached out to take his hand. “That’s the last thing I want, but I’m trying to be fair to all of us. I mean, maybe I’m some kind of a rebound—”
“You are not a rebound.” His voice was strident and sure, yet she didn’t seem convinced.
Lifting one shoulder in a shrug, she continued, “Well, we did happen pretty quickly after your breakup. You’ve known Emily for a long time. Maybe what you two had is the real thing.”
Disbelief filled his voice. “You can’t believe that.”
“It doesn’t matter if I believe it. It matters if you do.” She released his hand and shook her head. “I’m sorry, but I think we need to go back to being just friends for now.”
“What?” Instinctively, he reached out and caught her to his chest. “No.”
Her palm pressed against his shirt until she could tilt her head back to look at him. Her expression was firm. Though her eyes were not without pain, determination filled her voice. “Yes. You need time and space to figure this out.”
“I don’t need time or space. I need you. I want you.”
“I want you, too, but I want all of you—not just the part you allot to someone who isn’t Emily. Until you’re ready to let go of the past and get rid of the guilt you feel with me, you’ll keep feeling awful. I’ll keep feeling awful. We’ll only be torturing ourselves.”
“Then I’ll let go of the past and get rid of the guilt.”
She stilled. “Just like that?”
“Whatever it takes.”
Her resistance seemed to melt a little even as she bit her lip. “You really do love me?”
“With all my heart. It’s my conscience that can’t get with the program. Not because what we have is wrong, but because… I’ve considered myself Emily’s something since I was seven years old.”
She tilted her head. “Her something?”
“Her best friend, troubled friend, dance partner, protector, and—” He captured her gaze. “Yes, lastly, her boyfriend.”
Ava nodded. “And she was your everything.”
“No.” It was time to put everything in its proper perspective. Past time. “For most of my life, I considered her my sister. I met the Holdens right after my mom died. My dad was paying more attention to the bottle than to me. My family had fallen apart. Theirs was whole. I wanted to be a part of it, so I became Emily’s.”
“But she didn’t think of you as her brother.”
“I didn’t realize that until she kissed me. It crystallized what I’d always known.” He swallowed hard and forced himself to face facts. “Emily isn’t my sister. I don’t have a brother or a mom. Rick isn’t my dad. I guess in holding onto Emily, even if only through guilt, I was trying to hold on to the family I never had, but I’m not a kid anymore. I have to stop pretending. Otherwise, I’m going to lose someone who’s become even more precious to me.”
The tension in her shoulders relaxed. Her eyes began to shine, then—though not quite as brightly as they had before he’d gotten distracted with thoughts of Emily. Proof he’d nearly messed up the best thing in his life. He brushed a kiss across her cheek. “Come with me. There’s something I need to do. Something I’d like your help with.”
A few minutes later, they stood in the living room of his villa. He held out his phone to her. She glanced down at it, then lifted her confused gaze to his. “You’re giving me your phone?”
He nodded. “I want you to turn it on.”
“Why?” she asked as she took it from him.
“I’ve been too afraid to turn it on, afraid of what messages may or may not be waiting for me.” He shrugged. “I mean, the Holdens knew I’d be incommunicado, but it’s possible that they may have sent me something.”
“Ok. Let’s find out.” She turned on the phone, then took his hand and led him to sit on the sofa beside her as the screen brightened. It buzzed with notifications. “You have three voicemails. All of them are from Miriam. I recognize her number.”
“Ok.”
Glancing up, she sent him an amused look. “One text from me that I didn’t send.”
“I wanted to have your number.” He glanced down at the phone. “Anything else?”
“Only a message from a number you don’t have saved in your contacts. Do you want me to read it?”
He shrugged. “Sure. It’s probably spam.”
“It says, ‘How am I supposed to send you a letter again?’” She handed him the phone.
Scrolling through previous messages, he realized, “It’s from my dad.”
Curiosity filled her gaze. “He wanted to send you a letter?”
H
e checked the time stamp. The message must have been received right after he’d surrendered his phone to Miriam for Pirate’s Plunder. “I told him if he needed to, he could reach me by letter while I was on Pirate’s Plunder. Do you think something happened? Some emergency?”
“Maybe he just wanted to write you a letter. Didn’t you say he’s been reaching out lately?”
“Yes, but—” He frowned and shook his head.
“Ian, maybe part of letting go of what you don’t have is accepting what you do have—even if it isn’t what you wanted or hoped for. It might not be perfect, but it’s real, and it’s yours.”
He glanced down at his phone, trying to quell the rebellion rising inside of him. “Do you really think it would help?”
“I think… This might be what’s been bothering you ever since you were a kid. You needed your dad. He wasn’t there. So you replaced him as best you could, and what you replaced him with was pretty wonderful for a time, but eventually…”
“Eventually, I let that need for acceptance control everything about my life until it wasn’t my life anymore at all.”
His words settled over them, leaving a thoughtful silence in their wake. Finally, a sad, rueful smile touched her lips. “I know what you mean. What are you supposed to do about it, though?”
“I guess…” he began slowly, realizing his answer was important for both of them. “I need to realize the acceptance I’ve been longing for from people I already have with God. His acceptance is what determines who I am. I don’t have to be something I’m not for someone else.”
“No, you don’t, but how do you stop yourself from wanting to be accepted?”
“You can’t. I mean, everyone wants to be accepted. There has to be a balance, though. That need can’t be some all-powerful determining force in my life—not if it means betraying myself or betraying God by putting others above him. It only has the power I give it, and I’ve given it too much for too long.”
She glanced away. The pensive look on her face told him she might not be quite as prepared to change her mindset as he was. With a soft shrug, she met his gaze again. “What does that mean for you and your dad?”
Beyond the Tide Page 26
