by J. M. Walker
“Not in the way you think. I had no one.” Lucas held me tight against him. “I had no one else,” he repeated, his deep voice sliding along my skin.
“This isn’t right.” But it felt so damn good. Even though I was sore, even though Lucas had just confessed to some of the things he had been through, I never wanted him more. I didn’t understand this need for him. This feral want. I wanted him to fuck me and rip me apart. I wanted all of him. “I need you.”
“That’s nice.” He sunk his teeth into the side of my neck.
“Please,” I whined. “I need you inside me.”
“You want my big cock stretching out this tiny little pussy?”
“Yes,” I cried out, pushing back into his hand.
Lucas released me, pushing me off of him and stepping out of the tub. He pulled me to my feet and in a quick move, bent me over the bathroom counter. I whimpered, the pain from the attack slicing through my ribs.
“Look at us, Lily.” He fisted my hair, forcing me to look at our reflection. “Look at how fucked up we are.” He slammed into me at the same time he thrust his thumb into the tight rim of my ass.
I whimpered, slapping my hands against the counter and meeting him thrust for aching thrust.
“Tell me what you see.” He covered my breast with his large tattooed hand. “Tell me.”
“You. Broken. Tattooed. Beautiful,” I said between pants. “Me. No tattoos. But so damn turned on.” I caught my gaze, noting the bruises as my eyes glassed over.
Lucas cupped my thigh, pulling my leg out to the side and pushing it up onto the counter to give him better access. “What else?” he demanded, wrapping his hand around my throat. “Tell me, Lily.” He pulled me back against him.
“I see us, moving together and making each other feel good.”
His eyes met mine in the mirror. One was dark. One was pale. And while he could only see out of one of them, he still looked at me like I was the only thing that existed in his world.
“Come for me, baby.” He placed a hand on my upper back, pushing me forward. “Come hard. Squeeze my cock.” The harder he thrust, the higher my pleasure soared for him. I had never felt anything like it. This carnal need to mate. This desire for more. This feral want for another human being.
What bothered me, was how he fucked me after giving me some insight into his childhood. I knew I had to talk to him. I just hoped it wouldn’t end up in a fight. Because no matter how good he made me feel, this wasn’t right. This wasn’t right at all.
***
“What’s wrong?” Lucas asked me an hour later while we lay in bed.
“Nothing.” But I wouldn’t meet his gaze. A part of me felt dirty over what we did.
“Talk to me.” Lucas tapped my butt. “Lily.”
I sighed, rolling over onto my stomach. I winced as the ache in my ribs reminded me of what happened in that dark alley. I cleared my throat, forcing those thoughts to the back of my mind.
“I feel like we shouldn’t have had sex after you told me what happened to you. I feel like it turned you on to talk about it. When your dream was about someone else. Your adoptive parents. Your siblings. Whoever it was…And I don’t know how that makes me feel. I’m sorry for what happened to you. I really am. But I don’t understand the sex part. Help me understand because I really don’t want to judge you and I don’t want you mad at me and I…I…”
“Hey.” Lucas pulled me into his arms. “I’m not mad at you. I don’t…” He paused. “I don’t know why I needed to fuck you. Maybe it was to make myself feel better. I used to resort to cutting myself, so sex seemed safer than that.”
“You did?” I asked, sitting Indian style in front of him.
He sat up, leaning against the headboard before he continued. “I did. I never cut too deep, but I still have some light scars.” He pulled the blanket off his lap and pointed at his inner thighs. Faint pink lines marked his skin. They were surrounded by tattoos. “I tried covering them up but only ended up cutting myself more.” He shrugged. “I know this doesn’t make sense. I get that and I’m sorry for using you.”
“No. Don’t apologize for that. I’m glad I was able to help you. I just…I guess after you told me that you were forced to watch them, it was almost like you enjoyed it.”
“I didn’t at first. But my…when I caught her in the shadows, I couldn’t…my body…” He cleared his throat.
“Who?” I whispered.
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Lucas.” I cupped his cheek. “Tell me.”
“My adoptive sister. Our situation was fucked up, Lily.” He leaned his forehead against mine. “I didn’t want to watch. I didn’t want to react. I knew it wasn’t right. I knew it. But I couldn’t stop my body from…”
“Reacting,” I finished for him.
He nodded.
“So, she touched herself, your adoptive father saw and thought you were reacting to him fucking his wife and you got beaten for it?”
“Yeah,” Lucas mumbled. “It happened quite a bit. I would get blamed for shit I didn’t do.”
“Sounds like…” I caught myself.
“What?” He searched my face. “Tell me.”
“I don’t want to judge. I had a fucked-up childhood too, but nothing compares to what you went through. Your adoptive sister…I’m just saying that it’s not fair what she did. Setting you up like that.”
“I know.”
“Where you close with her? I mean, as close as can be expected?”
“We helped each other through it,” was all he said. “When it first happened, I wasn’t sure what was happening to my body at that point. I had barely hit puberty. But my adoptive father definitely didn’t like…” Lucas cleared his throat. “Anyway. I was beaten for it and then forced to fuck his wife.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I know a lot. I’ve been through a lot. But I’ll never understand people like them.”
“I don’t think you’re meant to understand them.”
“You’re probably right.” He turned off the light and laid down, pulling me down beside him. “I’m sorry, Lily.”
I didn’t respond but was thankful when he drifted off to sleep. His breathing became even and for the rest of the night, he was no longer twitchy with the remnants of his nightmares. But I didn’t sleep. At all.
Lucas
THE NIGHTMARE SHOULDN’T HAVE turned me on the way it did but after years of being forced into watching others have sex or touch themselves in this case, I couldn’t help the way my body reacted to the thought of it. Lily had said she wouldn’t judge but she did. I couldn’t blame her. It was fucked up and I couldn’t explain it.
While Lily slept beside me, it pushed well into the early morning before she stirred. That was my fault. After taking full advantage of the situation, I fucked her like an animal. Even though she had welcomed it with open arms, I still shouldn’t have used her like that. Again, fucked up.
My phone buzzed, indicating an incoming text.
Lena: Has Lily found out anything for me yet?
Me: We’re working on it.
Lena: I take it, that’s a no?
My jaw clenched.
Me: Stop by the shop tonight.
Lena: Good or bad news?
Me: Neither.
Lena: I thought so.
I sighed, putting my phone back on the nightstand.
“Who was that?” Lily asked, lifting her head. She rubbed her eyes, giving me a soft smile.
“Lena.” I pulled out from under Lily and kissed her forehead. “She wanted to know if we’d found anything, so I told her to stop by the shop tonight.”
“I hope we can find some more information for her. And…we should probably see if we can find out who attacked me as well.”
My chest constricted at that, rage slicing through me. I would find who attacked her. I would find them, and I would kill them myself.
“Lucas?”
I headed to the bathroom. “I need to take a shower.”
/>
Turning on the water, I set it to as hot as I could stand it and stepped under the spray. I wasn’t sure what was going on. I liked Lily. I liked that I was able to open up to her. But I didn’t like that my nightmare turned me on to the point I had to fuck her.
“Fuck,” I muttered, dipping my head under the hot spray.
The sound of the bathroom door opening and shutting sent a shiver down my spine. The shower door opened, and Lily stepped in behind me. She placed her hands on my back.
“Last night is bothering you,” she said softly.
I nodded.
“Have you thought of talking to a professional?”
I shook my head.
“Okay, well, I’m here. I’ll do anything I can to help you. I may not understand it, but I’ll help you. I promise, Lucas.”
I turned around, grabbing her hands and bringing them up to my mouth. “I don’t deserve you, Lily Pad.”
Her emerald eyes met mine. “You do, Lucas. You deserve all the happiness in the world after what you’ve been through.”
She didn’t even know the half of it.
I turned away, stepping back under the hot water. Although she said the words, I didn’t believe her. I had done shit. A lot of shit. Although the people’s lives I had ruined deserved it, it didn’t make what I did right. Guilt weighed heavily on my shoulders. It was drowning me. Threatening to suffocate me with the air it didn’t let me breathe.
“When I was younger, I used my body to get alcohol.”
I glanced over my shoulder. “You did what?”
Lily chewed her bottom lip, her cheeks reddening. “You said you don’t deserve me. Well I’m not perfect. By any means. At all, Lucas. Before I turned twenty-one, I needed ways to buy alcohol. So I used my body to get it. I just wanted you to know that we all have things we’re not proud of.”
I stared at her. Her confession was something I never expected to hear from her. “I don’t even know what to say.”
She shrugged. “I thought I’d share since you seem to think I’m so damn perfect when I’m not.”
No, she wasn’t. She was human. She’d made mistakes and owned up to them.
“I…” She cleared her throat. “I’ve destroyed a lot of marriages because of it. I would dress up, pretend I was older than twenty-one too but I had barely turned eighteen at the time. I’m ashamed of what I’ve done.”
“Does your grandma know?”
She nodded. “That’s how she got me into AA. Although I have many one-year tokens.” She shrugged again. “I’m not perfect, Lucas. But I’m willing to try for you.”
My heart jumped. Instead of responding because I had no idea what to say, I cupped her cheek and captured her mouth in a hard kiss.
She sighed, melting into me.
“Thank you, Lily,” I murmured against her lips. “Just…thank you.”
Lily
IT HAD BEEN A few weeks since Lucas and I confessed some of our history to each other.
We had a hard time finding out any information on Lena’s ex. After meeting up with her and relaying that information to her, she ended up breaking down into uncontrollable sobs.
It broke my heart that we weren’t able to give her anything other than we would keep trying. But he just wasn’t a bad guy. At all. If he was, he was good at covering his tracks, but he was bound to slip up. Whether it be Lucas and I finding out that information or someone else, it was going to happen.
We also set up a security camera at my grandmother’s place. I checked the app so often; I was obsessing over it. Lucas would tease me every now and again about it, but he understood. I needed to keep her safe.
Lucas and I had spent every day together since then and although we were growing closer, we never did discuss our past again. I also felt a wall come up between us. Was it even possible to get to know someone and have a wall stopping us from knowing more? I wasn’t sure, but it felt like it was happening.
One night, I was laying on my bed, playing on my computer. Lucas was working and while I usually went over to his place, my grandma wanted to have dinner with me. So I stayed home with her instead.
When she left after supper to go play Bridge with her friends, I holed up in my room and tried to find some information on my attacker. We had hacked into the security system, but the cameras were shit and didn’t pick anything up. Yet I still checked them frequently. No one had since been attacked in that area from what I could tell. Which was good but frustrating just the same. Clearly, they had set out to get me and only me.
My ribs had healed, and the bruises had faded. I had told my grandmother what happened, and she reacted the way I thought she would. Crying, worrying, and fussing over me. But thankful I was alive and well.
The video chat suddenly appeared on my screen indicating that Lucas was calling me.
I answered, smiling when his handsome face came into view. “Hey.”
“Hi, Lily Pad.”
My heart warmed at the nickname. “How are you?”
“Not too bad. You?”
“Good. I got a notification on the app that there was movement outside. So I checked and it was just a raccoon. Scared the shit out of me.” My cheeks burned at the memory.
“You should have called me.”
“It’s no big deal, Lucas.” My heart swelled that he cared though.
He huffed, shaking his head. “Stubborn woman.”
I smiled. “Did you want to come over?” We usually stayed at his place, but I was already changed for the night and just didn’t want to go anywhere.
“Not in the mood to go out?”
“Well, I’m not dressed and…yeah.”
“Hmm…” He rubbed the scruff on his jaw. “Show me.”
I laughed, thankful that the heaviness from just a moment ago, dissipated between us. “Hold on.” I slid off the bed and closed my door before clicking the lock into place. Rushing back to my bed, I turned the laptop so it was facing me and took a couple of steps back. “How’s this?”
His eyes roamed over me. “Turn around.”
I did.
“Bend over.”
My body heated. I did as I was told, looking at him over my shoulder.
Lucas smirked, running his fingers along his mouth. “I think you should convince me to come over.”
“Oh?” I rose to my full height and turned back around. “I’m in a tank top and panties. This isn’t enough to convince you, baby?”
He chuckled, the sound smooth and dark. It sent a ripple of heat over my skin. “No. Convince me, Lily. Show me how much you want me to come over.”
Getting an idea, I pulled the chair out from beneath my desk and moved it in front of my bed. I sat, spreading my legs and leaned forward.
“Show me your tits.”
I licked my lips, lowering my tank top and cupping my breast.
“So fucking incredible,” he growled. “Do you have any toys, Lily Pad? Anything that gets that little pussy nice and hot?”
I grinned, the husk of his voice sliding over every inch of me. I turned, reaching into my dresser and pulled out the Hitachi Magic Wand.
“Oh yeah,” Lucas said. “That’ll work.”
I laughed. “I need to see you too, Lucas.”
Lucas pushed his chair back and reached into his gray sweatpants.
“Take it out,” I breathed.
“Take what out, Lily Pad?”
“Your cock.” I licked my lips. “Your beautiful thick cock.” I enunciated each word.
Lucas sat back, pulling his hard length out from beneath the fabric of his pants. “You want this, Lily?” he asked, stroking from base to tip.
“Oh yeah.” As much as I wished he was with me, this was exciting. My body heated at the show before me.
“Lily.” Lucas stopped stroking. “I’m not seeing you touching that sweet kitty for me.”
I almost forgot that I was holding the wand. Sitting back, I placed my feet on the edge of the chair. “You want this, Lucas?”
I asked, throwing his own question back at him.
“I want to see it.”
I grinned. “Not yet.” I turned on the wand, running it down my inner thigh. The vibrations rumbled through me, hitting me square in the clit. Massaging my breast, I pinched my nipple.
“Show me, Lily,” he demanded, his hand picking up speed. He licked his palm and went back to stroking.
I shivered, knowing his pre-cum was now on his tongue. God, what I wouldn’t give to kiss him. I wondered what it would taste like.
I lowered my top even more.
He groaned.
I smirked.
“Fucking hell.” Lucas sat forward.
“Have I convinced you yet?” I asked, my voice husky with need.
“Nah, baby. Keep going. I want to watch that pussy explode. Squirt all over that chair for me, Lily.”
I placed the wand on the floor and stood. Lifting the tank top up and over my head, I tossed it to the side and turned before kneeling on the chair.
“Show me,” he demanded, his voice rough.
A sense of power washed over me. I could hear the lack of control in his voice. It was rough, thick with lust. Hooking my thumbs into the waistband of my black panties, I lowered them.
“Fuck,” he groaned. “More. Show me more.”
Holding the back of the chair, I glanced at him over my shoulder. “What do you want to see, baby?”
“Lily.” His hand picked up speed.
“Don’t come, Lucas,” I told him. “Save it for me.”
His dark eye met mine, his hand slowing down. “Show. Me.”
I stood, lowered my panties and kicked them to the side before kneeling on the chair once again. Spreading my legs, I inched a hand between my thighs and ran it over my soaked center.
“Yeah, baby. That’s it. Thrust your fingers into your cunt. I want to hear how wet you are.”
God, I loved his rough demands. Inserting two fingers inside me, I shivered, a low moan escaping the back of my throat. My hand picked up speed.
“Use your wand, Lily.”
