by Edward Albee
(Looks from one to the other)
No? Don’t know what I mean?
JULIA (Rather defiant)
What about Harry and Edna?
CLAIRE (Echo; half-smile)
We don’t want to talk about it.
AGNES
If they come back …
CLAIRE
If!?
AGNES (Closes her eyes briefly)
If they come back … we will …
(Shrugs)
CLAIRE
You’ve only got two choices, Sis. You take ’em in, or you throw ’em out.
AGNES
Ah, how simple it is from the sidelines.
TOBIAS (Sees through the window)
We’ll do neither, I’d imagine. Take in; throw out.
CLAIRE
Oh?
TOBIAS (A feeling of nakedness)
Well, yes, they’re just … passing through.
CLAIRE
As they have been … all these years.
AGNES
Well, we shall know soon enough.
(Not too much pleasure)
They’re back.
TOBIAS
(Rises, goes to the window with her)
Yes?
JULIA
I think I’ll go up …
AGNES
You stay right here!
JULIA
I want to go to my …
AGNES
It is their room! For the moment.
JULIA (Not nice)
Among Doug’s opinions, you might like to know, is that when you and your ilk are blown to pieces by a Chinese bomb, the world will be a better place.
CLAIRE
Isn’t ilk a lovely word?
AGNES (Dry)
You choose well, Julia.
JULIA
(Retreating into uncertainty)
That’s what he says.
AGNES
Have, always. Did he include you as ilk, as well? Will you be with us when “the fatal mushroom” comes. Are we to have the pleasure?
JULIA
(After a pause; as much a threat as a promise)
I’ll be right here.
TOBIAS
Agnes!
JULIA
Would you like to know something else he says?
AGNES (Patiently)
No, Julia.
JULIA
Dad?
TOBIAS (Some apology in it)
Not right this minute, Julia. They have gone around to the back.
JULIA (Defiance)
Claire? You?
CLAIRE
Well, come on! You know I’d like to hear about it—love to—but Toby and Ag’ve got an invasion on their hands, and …
AGNES
We have no such thing.
CLAIRE
… and maybe you’d better save it for Harry and Edna, too.
AGNES
It does not concern Edna and Harry.
CLAIRE
Best friends.
AGNES
Tobias?
TOBIAS
(Reluctantly on his feet)
Where … what do you want me to do with everything? Every …?
AGNES
(Heading toward the archway)
Well for God’s sake! I’ll do it.
(They exit)
JULIA
(As CLAIRE moves to the sideboard)
What … what do they want? Harry and Edna.
CLAIRE (Pouring for herself)
Hmm?
JULIA
You’ll make Mother mad. Harry and Edna: what do they want?
CLAIRE
Succor.
JULIA (Tiny pause)
Pardon?
CLAIRE (Brief smile)
Comfort.
(Sees JULIA doesn’t understand)
Warmth. A special room with a night light, or the door ajar so you can look down the hall from the bed and see that Mommy’s door is open.
JULIA (No anger; loss)
But that’s my room.
CLAIRE
It’s … the room. Happens you were in it. You’re a visitor as much as anyone, now.
(We hear mumbled conversation from the hallway)
JULIA (Small whine)
But I know that room.
CLAIRE (Pointed, but kind)
Are you home for good now?
(JULIA stares at her)
Are you home forever, back from the world? To the sadness and reassurance of your parents? Have you come to take my place?
JULIA (Quiet despair)
This is my home!
CLAIRE
This … ramble? Yes?
(Surprised delight)
You’re laying claim to the cave! Well, I don’t know how they’ll take to that. We’re not a communal nation, dear;
(EDNA appears in the archway, unseen)
giving, but not sharing, outgoing, but not friendly.
EDNA
Hello.
CLAIRE
(Friendly, but not turning to look at her)
Hello!
(Back to JULIA)
We submerge our truths and have our sunsets on untroubled waters. C’mon in, Edna.
EDNA
Yes.
CLAIRE (Back to JULIA)
We live with our truths in the grassy bottom, and we examine aalllll the interpretations of aalllll the implications like we had a life for nothing else, for God’s sake.
(Turns to EDNA)
Do you think we can walk on the water, Edna? Or do you think we sink?
EDNA (Dry)
We sink.
CLAIRE
And we better develop gills. Right?
EDNA
Right. We drove around the back. Harry is helping Agnes and Tobias get our bags upstairs.
JULIA
(Slight schoolteacher tone)
Don’t you mean Agnes and Tobias are helping Harry?
EDNA (Tired)
If you like.
(To CLAIRE)
What were you two up to?
CLAIRE
I think Julia is home for good this time.
JULIA
(Annoyed and embarrassed)
For Christ’s sake, Claire!
EDNA
(Rather as if JULIA were not in the room)
Oh? Is it come to that?
CLAIRE
I always said she would, finally.
JULIA
(Under her breath, to CLAIRE)
This is family business!
EDNA (Looking around the room)
Yes, but I’m not sure Agnes and Tobias have seen it as clearly. I do wish Agnes would have that chair recovered. Perhaps now …
JULIA (Exploding)
Well, why don’t you call the upholsterers! Now that you’re living here!
CLAIRE (Quiet amusement)
All in the family.
EDNA
You’re not a child anymore, Julia, you’re nicely on your way to forty, and you’ve not helped … wedlock’s image any, with your … shenanigans …
JULIA (Full, quivering rage)
YOU ARE A GUEST IN THIS HOUSE!!
EDNA
(Lets a moment pass, continues quietly)
… and if you have decided to …
(Wistful)
return forever? … then it’s a matter of some concern for quite a few peo—
JULIA
You are a guest!
CLAIRE (Quietly)
As you.
EDNA
… for quite a few people … whose lives are … moved—if not necessarily touched—by your actions. Claire, where does Agnes have her upholstery done? Does she use …
JULIA
NO!
EDNA (Strict, soft and powerful)
Manners, young lady!
CLAIRE (Pointed)
Julia, why don’t you ask Edna if she’d like something?
JULIA (Mouth agape for a moment)
NO!
/> (To EDNA)
You have no rights here. …
EDNA
I’ll have a cognac, Julia.
(JULIA stands stock still. EDNA continues; precise and pointed)
My husband and I are your parents’ best friends. We are, in addition, your godparents.
JULIA
DOES THIS GIVE YOU RIGHTS?!
CLAIRE (Smile)
Some.
EDNA
Some. Rights and responsibilities. Some.
CLAIRE
(Seeing HARRY in the archway)
Hello, there, Harry; c’mon in. Julia’s about to fix us all something. What’ll you …
HARRY
(Rubbing his hands together; quite at ease)
I’ll do it; don’t trouble yourself, Julia.
JULIA
(Rushes to the sideboard, her back to it, spreads her arms, protecting it, curiously disturbed and frightened by something)
No! Don’t you come near it! Don’t you take a step!
HARRY
(Patiently, moving forward a little)
Now, Julia …
JULIA
NO!
EDNA (Sitting relaxing)
Let her do it, Harry. She wants to.
JULIA
I DON’T WANT TO!!
HARRY (Firm)
Then I’ll do it, Julia.
JULIA (Suddenly a little girl; crying)
Mother!? MOTHER!?
EDNA
(Shaking her head; not unkindly)
Honestly.
JULIA
MOTHER!?
CLAIRE
(The way a nurse speaks to a disturbed patient)
Julia? Will you let me do it? May I get the drinks?
JULIA (Hissed)
Stay away from it! All of you!
CLAIRE (Rising)
Now, Julia …
HARRY
Oh, come on, Julie, now …
EDNA
Let her go, Harry.
JULIA
MOTHER? FATHER! HELP ME!!
(AGNES enters)
AGNES (Pained)
Julia? You’re shouting?
JULIA
Mother!
AGNES (Quite conscious of the others)
What is it, dear?
JULIA
(Quite beside herself seeing no sympathy)
THEY! THEY WANT!
EDNA
Forget it, Julia.
HARRY
(A tiny, condescending laugh)
Yes, for God’s sake, forget it.
JULIA
THEY WANT!
AGNES
(Kindly, but a little patronizing)
Perhaps you had better go upstairs.
JULIA (Still semi-hysterical)
Yes? Where!? What room!?
AGNES (Patient)
Go up to my room, lie down.
JULIA (An ugly laugh)
Your room!
EDNA (Calm)
You may lie down in our room, if you prefer.
JULIA
(A trapped woman, surrounded)
Your room!
(To AGNES)
Your room? MINE!!
(Looks from one to another, sees only waiting faces)
MINE!!
HARRY
(Makes a move toward the sideboard)
God.
JULIA
Don’t you go near that!
AGNES
Julia …
JULIA
I want!
CLAIRE (Sad smile)
What do you want, Julia?
JULIA
I …
HARRY
Jesus.
JULIA
I WANT … WHAT IS MINE!!
AGNES
(Seemingly dispassionate; after a pause)
Well, then, my dear, you will have to decide what that is, will you not.
JULIA
(A terrified pause; runs from the room)
Daddy? Daddy?
(A silence; HARRY moves to the sideboard, begins to make himself a drink)
AGNES
(As if very little had happened)
Why, I do believe that’s the first time she’s called on her father in … since her childhood.
CLAIRE
When she used to skin her knees?
AGNES (A little laugh)
Yes, and she would come home bloody. I assumed she was clumsy, but it crossed my mind a time or two … that she was religious.
EDNA
Praying on the gravel? A penance?
AGNES
(Chuckles, but it covers something else)
Yes. Teddy had just died, I think, and it was an … unreal time … for a number of us, for me.
(Brief sorrow clearly shown)
Poor little boy.
EDNA
Yes.
AGNES
It was an unreal time: I thought Tobias was out of love with me—or, rather, was tired of it, when Teddy died, as if that had been the string.
HARRY
Would you like something, Edna?
EDNA
(Her eyes on AGNES; rather dreamy)
Um-humh.
AGNES
(Not explaining and to none of them, really)
Ah, the things I doubted then: that I was loved—that I loved, for that matter!—that Teddy had ever lived at all—my mind, you see. That Julia would be with us long. I think … I think I thought Tobias was unfaithful to me then. Was he, Harry?
EDNA
Oh, Agnes.
HARRY (Unsubtle)
Come on, Agnes! Of course not! No!
AGNES (Faint amusement)
Was he, Claire? That hot summer, with Julia’s knees all bloody and Teddy dead? Did my husband … cheat on me?
CLAIRE
(Looks at her steadily, toasts her; then)
Ya got me, Sis.
AGNES (An amen)
And that will have to do.
EDNA
Poor Julia.
AGNES (Shrugs)
Julia is a fool. Will you make me a drink, Harry, since you’re being Tobias? A Scotch?
HARRY (Hands EDNA a drink)
Sure thing. Claire?
CLAIRE
Why not.
AGNES (An overly sweet smile)
Claire could tell us so much if she cared to, could you not, Claire. Claire, who watches from the sidelines, has seen so very much, has seen us all so clearly, have you not, Claire. You were not named for nothing.
CLAIRE (A pleasant warning)
Lay off, Sis.
AGNES
(Eyes level on EDNA and HARRY; precisely and not too nicely)
What do you want?
HARRY
(After a pause and a look at EDNA)
I don’t know what you mean.
EDNA (Seemingly puzzled)
Yes.
AGNES (Eyes narrow)
What do you really … want?
CLAIRE
You gonna tell her, Harry?
HARRY
I, I don’t know what you mean, Claire. Scotch, was it, Agnes?
AGNES
I said.
HARRY (Less than pleasant)
Yes, but I don’t remember.
EDNA (Her eyes narrowing too)
Don’t talk to Harry like that.
AGNES
(About to attack, thinks better of it)
I … I’m sorry, Edna. I forgot that you’re … very frightened people.
EDNA
DON’T YOU MAKE FUN OF US!
AGNES
My dear Edna, I am not mak—
EDNA
YES YOU ARE! YOU’RE MAKING FUN OF US.
AGNES
I assure you, Edna …
HARRY
(Handing AGNES a drink; with some disgust)
Here’s your drink.
AGNES
I, I assure you.
CLAIRE (Putting on her accordion)
I thi
nk it’s time for a little music, don’t you, kids! I yodel a little, too, nowadays, if anybody …
AGNES (Exasperated)
We don’t want music, Claire!
HARRY (Horrified and amused)
You, you what!? You yodel!?
CLAIRE
(As if it were the most natural thing in the world)
Well … sure.
EDNA (Dry)
Talent will out.
HARRY (Continuing disbelief)
You yodel!
CLAIRE (Emphatic; baby talk)
’ES!
(TOBIAS has appeared in the archway)
HARRY
She yodels!
CLAIRE (Bravura)
What would ya like, Harry? A chorus of “Take me to the greenhouse, lay me down …”?
AGNES
Claire!
TOBIAS
I … I wonder if, before the concert, one of you would mind telling me why, uh, my daughter is upstairs, in hysterics?
CLAIRE
Envy, baby; she don’t sing, or nothin’.
(A chord)
TOBIAS
PLEASE!
(To the others)
Well? Will any of you tell me?
AGNES (Controlled)
What, what was she doing, Tobias?
TOBIAS
I told you! She’s in hysterics!
AGNES (Tight smile)
That is a condition; I inquired about an action.
EDNA (More sincere than before)
Poor Julia.
HARRY
I don’t understand that girl.
TOBIAS (Quite miffed)
An action? Is that what you want? O.K., how about
(Demonstrates this)
pressed against a corner of the upstairs hall, arms wide, palms back? Eyes darting? Wide?
(EDNA shakes her head)
How about tearing into Harry and Edna’s room … ripping the clothes from the closets, hangers and all on the floor? The same for the bureaus?
AGNES (Steady)
I see.
TOBIAS
More?
AGNES (Steady)
All right.
TOBIAS
Or into your room next? Twisted on your bed, lots of breathing and the great wide eyes? The spread all gathered under her, your big lace pillow in her arms—like a lover—her eyes wide open, no tears now? Though if you come near her the sounds start and you think she’ll scream if you touch her?
(Pause)
How’s that?
CLAIRE (Pause)
Pretty good.
AGNES (Pause)
And accurate, I imagine.
TOBIAS (Daring her)
You’re damned right! Now, why?
AGNES
(To TOBIAS with a sad smile, ironic)
Would it seem … incomplete to you, my darling, were I to tell you Julia is upset that Har—Edna and Harry are here, that …
HARRY (Arms wide, helplessly)
I was making myself a drink, for God’s sake. …
EDNA
I asked her to make me something. …
TOBIAS
Oh, come on!
EDNA (Some pleasure)
She rose … like a silent film star, ran to the sideboard, defended it, like a princess in the movies, hiding her lover in the closet from the king.
