“I know. There have already been threats against me.” I expected a stronger reaction from her, but she said nothing and just waited for me to continue. “I will do my best, Phoebe, but my best may not be good enough.” I studied my shoes.
“You’re a good man.” Phoebe reached her hand out and squeezed my shoulder. “If it all goes bad…”
I looked up and cracked a wry smile. “I appreciate it, friend. I have a feeling that I’m going to regret asking this, but could I come to see the body? I should offer Frank my condolences and I’d like to say goodbye.”
“You can’t touch her, but sure. I’ll check with Frank first to make sure he’s all right with a visitor, but that should be just fine.”
We walked through the hallways in silence. As we made our way towards the infirmary, I ticked off in my head what needed to happen over the next twenty-four hours. I knew I could get a couple of the bigger guys to walk around with me and explain the situation and keep some semblance of order. The problem was that instead of a temporary confinement to quarters, it would force me to institute a longer term one. An indefinite one. Gabriel would be forced to go along with it, regardless of the outcome of the vote, but failing to identify this outbreak before it spread was going to end badly for me.
Frank was waiting outside the infirmary when we arrived. When he saw me he finger combed his hair but nothing could disguise the redness in his eyes. His hands shook as he gave a weak wave in my direction. As we got closer to him, I wrinkled my nose. He stank. The scent of exhaustion and fear wafted from him in waves so strong it was hard for me to approach him at all. The question flitted through my mind as to what the appropriate thing to say was.
“I’m so sorry, Frank.”
He flinched as if the words cut into him like knives, but met my eyes. “Thank you.” His voice was rough, and he coughed, fresh tears welling up in his eyes. I motioned for Phoebe to get me a bottle of water and uncapped it, passing it to him. He drank gratefully and passed it back.
“Can I get you anything?” I thought of my wife’s death, so sudden it had ripped a piece of my soul away with her. People had been quick to offer their condolences and sing her praises when in reality I would have been far more grateful to have some time alone.
Frank shook his head. “No. Thank you.”
“I’m here to see her, Frank. I’d like to say goodbye and arrange for her funeral.” I had almost said ‘disposal of the body’. Gabriel had rubbed off on me in so many little ways I was discovering them all the time. “Is it all right if I go in?” He looked at me, his eyes empty. I wanted to tell him I knew what it was like, but the truth was that no one could compare to this kind of pain. The pain of watching your wife, the very other half of your being suffocate to death. The horror that must have shone from her eyes as she endured the agony, fully conscious of what was going to happen.
“Yes.”
“Thank you.” I touched him gently on the shoulder and went inside. The scene in front of me was considerably more calm than I expected. Allison’s body lay in the middle of the room, a sheet placed over her face. There were no bloodstains, no signs to betray that her last moments had been torture. They had disconnected her from the breathing machine and the multitude of tubes that had kept her alive for her last day. The machines sat against the wall, cleaned and neatened up as if nothing had happened. Shannon appeared from behind the office door and I extended my hand to her. She took it and I squeezed her hand, a nod passing between us. “Could you remove the sheet, please?”
Shannon went to the gurney and pulled the sheet back to Allison’s collarbone. The women had done a good job; if I hadn’t known better, I would say that she was sleeping. Her eyes had been shut and her hair combed back. A serene portrait of death. I reached for her forehead and Shannon caught my arm.
“You can’t touch her, Jacob. Remember?”
“Oh. Yeah. Sorry.” This woman, this beautiful, brilliant, hardworking human being was dead because of me. I let my hands hang at my sides. I didn’t know what else to do with them. In my haste to expedite the exit from the shelter, I was going to be responsible for the death of hundreds. Maybe even all of us. Gabriel had been right all along. Fresh horror filled me.
“Sophia’s daughter is worse, Jacob.” Shannon stood a couple of feet back from me. “Rather than keep her here next to Allison, I have her with her family in their quarters. There isn’t much use isolating her from them. They’ve all been exposed. Sophia is doing her best, but she isn’t feeling optimistic about it.”
“Okay.” Not only had my carelessness killed someone, I was responsible for the murder of two people. Worse yet, a child. I was dimly aware of a cramp making itself known in my leg. It was as if I was a statue. The pain registered its presence and the rest of my body screamed at me to move, do something to alleviate the problem, but I couldn’t move. “Is Frank ready to move her?” The world had reduced itself to rote tasks. I didn’t think, only acted. A dead body couldn’t be left in the infirmary.
“I think so, yes.”
“Okay. You’ve got it?”
“Yes, I’ve got it. Are you all right?” She appeared in front of me, brow furrowed.
“Yes. I need to leave now.” I pushed the doors to the infirmary open and left. I barely registered my passage through the corridors and walked without direction or purpose. Before long, I found myself standing in front of the inner door to the shelter. I put my hand on the cold steel and sat down as my father had for so many nights throughout his life. He always took care to keep us kids from knowing how often his insomnia struck, but I caught Mom bringing him back to our quarters at least a few times a week. One night I pretended to be asleep so I could listen to their conversations. He said that he could hear the wind howling through the door. Perhaps he was facing the same dilemma I was. Knowing that he had made a decision that he was responsible for the lives of hundreds.
It occurred me that I could probably get the door open myself, if I really wanted to. It would be so easy to stand on the dark abyss separating death by drowning in my own body fluid or dying by exposure. Maybe I’d get ripped apart by some kind of animal. I stood and tested the handle. It took a considerable amount of effort, but I found that I could pull the rungs down by myself. As the metal creaked, I glanced backwards into the corridor, half expecting Gabriel to pop up behind me. I halfheartedly wished that he would. A swift blow to my head or having the life choked from my lungs would make a quick end to this nightmare.
I put hand over hand on the spokes of the inner door and pulled them down. Some deep, desperate part of my brain screamed for me to stop, that nothing was worth this, but I ignored it. With a crack, the inner door came loose. I glanced behind me again, certain that the sound would draw some attention. Surely someone would hear the noise and come running. As my heart beat passed the minutes, no one came. If I was going to do this, I would have to hurry; it had almost been the morning when I was called to the infirmary. No doubt the early risers would be stirring and they would discover my recklessness.
With bare feet, I walked to the precipice of the world I had known my entire life. The steel of the doorway was cold underneath my feet. It felt like the very edge of a raging ocean, the chill ready to draw me under, urging me to an eternal sleep. In a strange way, it was comforting. I took a deep breath of the earth-scented air and smiled. Of all the ways to die, at least this one would be interesting. I lifted a foot, prepared to continue my final journey when I heard a shout and running footsteps. Before I could turn, I landed face first in the dirt. The breath burst forth from my lungs and I gasped as pain shot through me. Without thinking, I turned to confront my assailant and landed a solid punch against his jaw. The man grabbed me behind my neck and held tight as he cracked his head into mine. I saw stars and groped blindly for some vulnerable point on his body.
“For fuck’s sake, Grandpa-” Marcus rasped when I jabbed my hand against his throat. I immediately slammed my hands to the ground.
“
Marcus.”
He grabbed me by my shirtfront and hauled me to my feet. “Are you going to hit me again?”“No,” I coughed. Short of Gabriel manifesting behind me, this was the second most unlikely thing that could have happened. Marcus shoved me back into the shelter and I fell forward, hands shooting out to catch my fall. He grabbed the door and yanked it shut with a bang. I flinched.
“Oh, did you not want anyone to hear you trying to kill yourself?” Marcus rubbed his jaw. “God damn it, you hit hard old man.”
I pushed myself to my feet. The pain from getting the wind knocked out of me was almost gone. Now my pride was the most painful thing. “Fuck you.”
He whirled on me. “No, fuck you, Jacob. What the hell was the plan? You were going to walk out into the abyss and let the elements take you? Or were you hoping that some mutated monster was going to rip you apart?”
I clenched my jaw and said nothing.
“Mom woke up in a cold sweat. She woke me up. You can thank her later. Except I’d recommend leaving out the fact that you were about to throw your fucking life away.”
The numbness that had pervaded my being an hour ago washed away and was replaced with anger. “You don’t get to talk to me about life, boy.” I shoved him away, thumping my hands against his chest. “You don’t know a damn thing about what I’ve been having to deal with. You aren’t responsible for the lives of a thousand people and you have no clue what it’s like to watch them die.”
“Allison’s dead…?” I could have smacked myself. Of course he didn’t know. Yet another in the long line of mistakes I had made this evening. Marcus stepped back and rubbed his hand over his face. He blinked hard as he noticed the dirt off his hands and shook his head. “I’m guessing that I won’t drop dead from this crap, right?”
“If you do, we’ll both be going down. I think you made me inhale a solid cup’s worth of dirt out there.” He barked a laugh. “Yes. Allison passed away during the night. There’s someone else sick, too. Sophia’s daughter, Daisy.”
“Shit. I knew things were bad, grandpa, but I had no idea they were this bad. Why didn’t you tell us? Why haven’t you leaned on us for any of it?”
“I didn’t want to trouble you even more.”
“Tough shit. We’re troubled. Instead of telling us the whole story the first time around, we’re involved. So you’re going to have to get over yourself. You and I are going to spend the little time we have before the entire shelter wakes up preparing for this, and then you’re going to tell me everything that needs doing over the next week.
Chapter Ten
Marcus and I had provided a single gown and mask per family. Far less than I wanted, but considering the exposure rate had already exploded, it probably would not make much of a difference. When we had finished, I went to the simplified terminal made for the shelter and waited. In about half an hour’s time, I was going to announce to a thousand people that they had to remain confined to quarters indefinitely. No matter the allies I had or didn’t have in this fight, this was about to go to hell.
As the clocked ticked over to 06:00 I pressed a button on the terminal that would broadcast an emergency announcement to the entire shelter. The system crackled to life and for a moment the words stuck in my throat.
“Ladies and gentlemen, this is Jacob Alvaro speaking. I regret to inform you that overnight the shelter has experienced an emergency. We request that each person or family remain in their quarters. A team will be by shortly to offer you further guidance.”
I could hear the shouts from where I sat. The thought floated through my mind that perhaps I should have locked people in before I made this announcement, but I shook it off. Trapping people would only make the panic worse. We would have to rely on people’s trust. I didn’t exactly have a cache of it to bank on. As if on cue, I heard the whoosh of a door opening in the hallway behind me.
“Hey! Anybody! We need help in here!”
I was the only one around. It seemed like the rest of the shelter had taken my suggestion seriously. I radioed for anyone in the infirmary to join me and ran towards the person yelling. It was Asha, an older woman who I briefly met when I ended the simulation. Tears streaked her face and her eyes rolled in panic.
“It’s Tarik,” she gasped. “He won’t wake up.”
“Stay back.”
Even before I saw the body, I knew he was gone. The stench of death came from their bedroom, as strong as anything. I ran towards her husband’s still form, knowing full well that there was nothing I could do but hoping against hope that the man was still alive. I almost reached to check for a pulse out of habit, but drew my hand back at the last second. Bending over his body and saw a stain of spittle, mucus, and blood on the pillow underneath his head. He must have died during the night.
“Why aren’t you doing anything?” Asha cried out. She had discarded my instructions. Understandably. I backed away from the body, holding my hands wide.
“Asha, I'm so sorry.”
“What the fuck are you doing, Jacob? Start CPR, get him oxygen, do something!” I set my jaw at the look of hatred in her eyes. I couldn’t blame her. She knocked me aside to climb on top of her husband.
“No!” I swung out an arm but missed by an inch. “Don’t!”
It was too late. She rolled Tarik over and pressed her mouth to his. Rescue breathing. I heard running footsteps in the hall and raced to meet them. “Stay back!” I yelled. “Stay back, whoever you are!”
Asha continued her efforts to revive Tarik, and I felt Shannon’s hand on my shoulder. “Have you touched him?”
“No,” I breathed. The scene in front of me was out of my worst nightmare. I knew how Asha was feeling, the sheer terror of knowing that the other half of your soul was gone forever. I was suddenly transported back to my wife’s death, how I tried to revive her through tears and fear.
“Get her off of him.” The command shook me out of the flashback.
I stepped forward and pulled Asha off of Tarik. She screamed and fought, but I got my arms wrapped around her in a bear hug. She cursed and sobbed. I sent up a prayer asking for forgiveness from anyone who would listen. Shannon bent to examine the body-I had to think of it as the body now-and shook her head. When she saw that, a keening wail broke from Asha’s throat. It was a sound of raw anguish. The sound of knowing that your life as you knew it was over. I shut my eyes and held her still.
“Shannon, I need you to go outside. Keep everyone where they are. Go wake up Marcus. He and Fiona will help you.”
“Jacob-”
“Go. Now!” I snarled. She cast one last look at me and jogged from the room.
“Asha, I’m going to let you go in a minute, but you have to promise that you’re going to listen to me, okay?” She kicked and writhed, pleading with me to let her go, that she had to be with Tarik. “Asha there’s been an outbreak.” She stopped fighting me then. “That’s what my announcement was this morning.” As I felt her relax, I loosened my grip on her, but kept myself ready to grab her again if need be.
“And you think…? Oh god.” Her face went pale.
“That’s why I need to let you go. I need to get you cleaned up, okay?” I knew in my heart that there was little I could do for her now. It would be one thing if she had simply touched infected skin. There might be a chance for her to go through decontamination, then. The rescue breathing would be what killed her. Asha started to shake. She was an intelligent woman. I knew that she had just come to the same conclusion that I had.
“Am I going to die?”
“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I’m going to take you to the infirmary and have the doctors take a good look at you, okay?” She cast a frantic look at Tarik’s body. “Some of the men and I will prepare-we’ll take care of Tarik. If I can, I’ll let you say goodbye to him.” She nodded, numbly.
A young man in plain scrubs knocked gently at the door. Dr. Rickman had found some of the help she needed. The man nodded towards me.
“My name is
Edward, Mr. Alvaro.”
“Hi, Edward. I need you to take Asha here down to the doctors. I expect they’ll want to examine her.”
“Of course, sir.”
As they left the room, I felt the urge to slam my fists into the wall. The only thing that stayed my hands was the sure and certain knowledge that if I touched anything in this place, I would expose myself to the virus. If I hadn’t been exposed already. The rest of the shelter was well awake now. I took one last look at Tarik.
“I’m sorry.”
When I emerged into the corridor, I found only a few people present. Through the quick work of my family and the few people who still trusted me, word had been spread about the outbreak. Before I could flag anyone down, Gabriel rounded the corner, his path on a collision course with mine. He stopped mere inches from me and leaned in, as if discussing something confidential.
“And you were worried about me killing them?”
I bit my tongue to keep from glaring at him and nodded instead.
“I found your project with the printed tokens. Very nice touch. Let’s get this going, shall we?”
I nodded again and proceeded down the corridor towards my quarters. On the way, I asked if anyone would volunteer to read out the names of individuals and families. Yes, even children. Anyone over the age of twelve. Younger children couldn’t be counted on to understand what they were voting for. A young woman identified herself from the assembled and sat at the terminal. I excused myself then to wait until my own name was called. As I walked, I was dimly aware of Gabriel following me, but he never made a move to confront me again. Perhaps he was keeping an eye on me. For what? To ensure that I didn’t rush into the mess hall and discard all the tokens for his name? I ignored him and shut the door to my room.
Defiant: Quantic Dreams Book 2 Page 7
