by Ruby Vincent
“You’ve been so out of it, Val. What’s up?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess I thought striking back against the Knights would feel better than this.”
“Does that mean you want to forget about Isabella and Natalie?”
“No, I— Ugh! I don’t know.” I smashed my face into the pillow, and soon felt Sofia’s hand on the back of my head.
“I think rule number five can extend to this. Knowing when you’ve gone too far can also be knowing when you’ve had enough. Isabella and Natalie are sad little bullies obsessed with attention and they never deserved yours. Let them live their pathetic lives while we focus on who is really important—the Spades.”
I lifted my head. “Who we will never find unless I can get Ryder to tell me what he knows. That’s just more reason why I need to talk to him.”
“I wish you could.”
“You know what... no.” I pushed myself up. “We can’t do this anymore. My life has been turned upside down and I’ve almost been killed twice. I’m going to make him talk to me.”
“How are you going to do that?”
I clambered off the bed. “I have no idea.”
“At least you’ve thought it through.”
Her sarcasm followed me into the closet but I waved it away. I grabbed the first thing I saw and pulled it on. I was going. I was doing this.
“Do you want me to come with you?” she asked while I bent under the bed.
“No, I have to do this myself.”
I found my shoes, jammed them on my feet, and was out the door. I sped across campus, determination lighting a fire under me.
He will talk to me. I’m not taking no for an answer. He will.
I marched up to the sophomore dorms and burst through the doors.
He will talk to me.
The elevator dinged on the second floor... and that’s when reality hit me smack in the face. What the hell was I doing? Not only did I have no clue how I was going to get him to talk to me, I also didn’t know which room was his.
I looked between 202 and 208 and chose at random. The door flew open a few minutes after my knock and Jaxson stood before me in nothing but a pair of boxers.
“Valentina?” He looked as surprised to see me as I was to see him in his underwear.
You’ve seen more than that. My cheeks heated up.
“What are you doing here?” He gestured over his shoulder. “Did you want to come in?”
“No, I’m looking for Ryder. Which room is his?”
He blinked. “Ryder? Ryder Eugene Shea? That Ryder?”
“His middle name isn’t Eugene.”
“Nah, but it pisses him off when I tell people it is.”
I bit back a smile. How was he still making me laugh—even at a time like this?
Jaxson pointed down the hall. “He’s 208.”
“Thanks.” I turned to go.
“Will you hit me up after? I wouldn’t mind another Saturday curled up in bed with you.”
I stopped. “Jaxson, we talked about this.”
“I can hold out hope that you’ve changed your mind.”
“Not yet.” I picked up my feet and kept going.
“Yet?” he called after me. “That means I have a chance.”
Shaking my head, I hid another smile as I knocked on the right door. This wasn’t the time. I can’t think about my feelings for anyone else until I speak to—
“Finally, Ezra.” A rush of steam came through the door as Ryder stepped into the entrance. A thick fluffy towel covered his head and face, matching perfectly with the one tied low on his waist. “I told you to bring my shaving cream back an hour ago.”
—Ryder.
“I don’t have shaving cream.” Ryder ripped the towel off his head. “But I hope I can still come in.”
He gaped at me—face showing surprise like I had seen only once before. I stepped closer. “Can I come in?” I repeated.
“Uh... yeah.” He quickly moved out of the way. “Go ahead.”
I walked in, not stopping until I was in the middle of the room. Ryder’s room looked the same as my old one except where I had pictures of Adam and Mom, Ryder had photos of him and the Knights. My feet carried me to a frame on his nightstand. Ezra, Maverick, Jaxson, and Ryder smiled back at me. Their young faces fresh and adorable as they posed with their arms around each other, all in their junior prep school uniform.
“One second.”
I turned as Ryder disappeared into his bathroom. I’m really doing this. This is happening.
I sat down in his desk chair and attempted to steady my nerves. I had told this guy I had been sexually assaulted, committed murder, and became a mother at fourteen. He knew every one of my deepest secrets, but deep down, I felt like I knew nothing about him.
The bathroom door opened again and Ryder walked out in a white tee and gray sweatpants. Water dripped from his hair onto the towel slung around his shoulder and the dark scruff on his chin told of why he needed the shaving cream.
Ryder sat on the edge of his bed, allowing an entire floor rug to separate us. “Is something wrong?”
My hands fisted on the hem of my dress. “Of course, there’s something wrong. We need to talk, Ryder. I’ve been waiting weeks for you to come to me, but I can’t wait any longer.”
He frowned. “For me to come to you? But, Val, I— I didn’t think you’d want that.”
“What do you mean?”
“For me of all people to make you talk about what you went through. You shouldn’t have to relive that with me. Not after the things I’ve done to you.”
“Oh.” Of all the reasons I thought of why Ryder wasn’t speaking to me, being considerate of my feelings hadn’t cracked the top twenty. “I get that,” I began, “but we need to talk about it. I’ve been going crazy wondering what you’re going to do or say—”
Ryder’s frown deepened. “Say? I would never tell anyone what you told me.”
I swallowed. “But I... killed the man who raised you.”
“It was self-defense.” Ryder’s silver eyes weren’t blank now. They shone with an emotion I had never seen before. “And my mother helped cover it up so telling the truth of what happened hurts both of us.” He got to his feet. “If you came here because you were worried I wouldn’t keep your secret, you don’t have to be.”
“Ryder, it’s not just that.” Suddenly, I was on my feet too. “You know what almost happened on that roof. Things have always been”—I waved my hands—“insane between us! We do too much; we go too far, and I have never understood why because I don’t know how you feel! So for once, tell me!” I crossed that stupid rug and didn’t stop until I was in front of him, inhaling his piney scent. “Tell me how you feel about this. Tell me where we go from here.”
Ryder looked down on me, his lips unmoving. I waited but he didn’t speak. Finally, I turned away. “Goodbye, Ryder.”
“I knew about the affair.”
I froze. “What?”
“Your mom and Benjamin. I knew.”
“How?”
Ryder ripped the towel off his neck and threw it on the chair I just vacated. “I walked in on them in his office. I was twelve. She didn’t see me, but he did.” He tossed his head. “I went at him that night, expecting him to show some shred of guilt, but he told me to shut up and pushed me away. He said...”
Ryder’s arms bulged as his hands curled into fists.
I don’t know what made me do it, but I reached for him. Taking his hand, I pulled us both down onto the bed.
“What did he say?”
“He said that he’d have a new kid and a new wife soon, so why should he give a fuck about us?”
My jaw dropped. “He said that to you?”
“He did and I thought... that wife and kid was you and Olivia.”
“Oh my gosh.” I lowered my head as it began to make sense. “That’s why you hated me.”
“My mother was too depressed to leave her bedroom while another
woman screwed her husband down the hall, and her kid ran around her house. Yes, I hated you. I hated your mother, but most of all, I hated him. But of all those people, the only one I could hurt was you.”
I felt sick to my stomach. “I didn’t know about them until he started coming to the apartment.”
“I understand that now.”
“No one wanted him out of our lives more than me,” I cried. “If he had married my mother, I would have killed myself! I couldn’t—”
“Valentina. I’m sorry.”
Those quiet words silenced me faster than a shout ever could.
“I’m sorry,” he repeated. There was no mask. Ryder’s grief was there for me to see. “If I had known... I never would have been so awful to you, and that’s still no excuse. I’m a piece of shit and sorry will never begin to cover it.”
“But you see that now?”
“Of course, I do. Val, he r— He ra—” Letting out a shout, Ryder launched himself off the bed and began to pace. “He hurt you. A grown man doing those things to you— You had been through enough.” His hand flashed out and punched the desk. “I hate that I made it worse.”
“Ryder...”
“Was it him?” Ryder raided his head, letting me see the fire in his eyes. “Did he give you chlamydia?”
It took me a while, but I nodded.
“Motherfucker!”
Another punch made me jump.
I kept my voice low. “Ryder, you seem angry.”
“Of course I’m angry!”
“No... you seem angry for me.”
He rocked back. His distress was overcoming him. Tossing his head, Ryder gripped the back of his chair until his knuckles turned white. “I’m angry for you. People shouldn’t do things like this, Val. Kids. Just kids! Why do they do it?!”
The chair shot away under his assault and Ryder fell against the desk.
“Ryder?” Concern laced my voice. “Why don’t you come and sit down?”
His head shaking became more agitated. “It’s not right.”
“I know it’s not right, and I’m angry too. Sit with me. We can talk about it.”
He twisted around. I saw only his back as he bent over the desk. “There’s... so much you don’t know.”
“Then tell me.”
“I can’t.”
“Yes, you can. We’re past the point of secrets.”
“No one knows. No one is supposed to know. That’s why all this started.”
“What? Ryder, I don’t understand.” I went over to him and put my hand on his back. I felt a shudder pass over him. “Look, you’re freaking. Just take a minute and breathe.”
He didn’t seem to have heard me. “I don’t blame you for what you did,” he forced out, spittle showered the desk. “I would have killed him too! I wanted to— I was going to—”
I was truly getting worried. I had dealt with Ryder in many states, but never like this. “Ryder, calm down. It’s okay.” I pressed my hand to his cheek and he whipped around, startling a cry out of me. His eyes were huge.
“I wanted to kill her, Val. I was going to do it.”
“Kill—”
“That night in the woods.”
I stilled as those words struck me. “The woods. You mean the masquerade dance?”
“You saw us.” The words were pouring out of him and it didn’t seem like he could stop it. “You saw us that night, but it was me with the knife. I thought it was over. She had moved from the prep school to the academy, away from the boys, but then I heard her that night, telling Professor Rossman that she was going to start an outreach center for kids.”
“Who was?” My head was spinning; I was doing everything to keep up. “Who moved?”
“I got the knife. I don’t know why, but I did. I came back, and I made her come with me to the woods. I was going to do what I should have done so long ago. Stop her!”
I took his face in my hands, and he immediately grabbed my wrists, clinging tightly. “But you were there, Val. You weren’t supposed to be there, and when that card showed up in your locker, I found out she was more than just a fucking pedophile, she was a Spade.”
“Who, Ryder? Who is it?”
He looked me in the eyes as fevered pants warmed the air between us, and he said two words I never expected to hear.
“Scarlett LeBlanc.”
Chapter Ten
Ryder and I sat splayed out on the floor. Neither of us had moved for twenty minutes. I didn’t know about Ryder, but I was pretty sure what I was feeling matched being run over by a truck—twice.
Scarlett was the person in the woods. Scarlett is a Spade. The kind woman who gave me painting lessons and told me about Walter marked me... and she hurt Ryder.
This time, it was me who reached for his hand. Ryder curled his fingers through mine, and together, we went back to staring at the wall.
Knock. Knock.
“Hey, Ryder.” The keypad chimed, signaling they were coming in before either of us could think to do something. “Here’s your shaving...” Ezra trailed off as he took us in. I saw his eyes flick down to our clasped hands. “What’s going on in here?”
“Get Maverick,” Ryder said.
“But—”
“Go.”
Ezra didn’t argue further and stepped out of the room. When he returned, it was with Maverick and Jaxson in tow.
“What’s going on?” asked Jaxson.
Ryder looked across him to Maverick. “She knows.”
Maverick’s grave expression said it all.
“Hold on.” I looked from him to Ryder. “You know too? About the woods?”
“Know what?” Ezra demanded.
“What about the woods?” This came from Jaxson.
“But they don’t know?” I said to Ryder. “Wait a minute. Is that the real reason you were outside the night of the dance? You were keeping watch?” I addressed this to Maverick.
“Someone want to tell us what’s going on?” Ezra sounded pissed now.
“She knows about Scarlett,” said Ryder.
Jaxson’s eyes popped. “She knows what?! Who the fuck told you that you could—”
“She knows what she did to me,” Ryder cut in. “She also saw me try to attack Scarlett in the woods. I was shouting about what she did, and she promised I would regret it if I told anyone. Then we heard Valentina. Scarlett couldn’t have known how much she saw or overheard, but she marked her to get rid of her.”
“Scarlett’s a Spade?” Ezra asked through pale lips. “And you knew that for a whole year and didn’t say anything!?”
“What would telling you have done?”
My eyes ping-ponged between the group. It was strange sitting there holding Ryder’s hand while the awful truth came out.
“Maverick knew,” Ryder went on, “and we’ve been working on a way to get rid of her without getting us all marked too.”
“Argh!” Jaxson shouted. “That’s why we were chosen to be Knights. I knew it was too much of a fucking confidence! I said it!”
“You were right,” said Ryder.
“What’s this plan? How can you not let us be a part of it?” Ezra spoke up.
“Still working on it,” Maverick admitted. “It’s hard when we have to play nice.”
“She’s a Spade,” said Jaxson. “For how long? What psycho let that happen?”
“Guys!” My yell brought the noise to an abrupt halt. Four pairs of eyes flew to me as I let go of Ryder and got to my feet. “That’s enough. My head is spinning and we’ll never make sense of things like this. So here it is: Ryder overheard Scarlett say she was going to start working with young boys again. He lured her to the woods to confront her and I saw. She marked me and tipped Ryder off to her being a Spade. Since then, he and Maverick have been trying to find a way to get rid of her, but what I don’t get is why she stopped at marking me if she wanted me gone?”
“Did she stop?” said Jaxson. “Someone pushed that planter over, Val, and started the fire
in your room.”
The sentence chilled me to my core. “Scarlett’s been trying to kill me.”
“She probably couldn’t believe her luck when you came into class clearly not knowing who she was,” said Ryder, “but that didn’t mean she wanted you around to find out. That’s how the marks work. They get rid of problems.”
“But I’m not going anywhere. She isn’t going to force me out of Evergreen so what now?” I fixed on Maverick. “What’s your plan?”
Maverick looked to Ryder. “What do you want to do?”
“We need to talk,” Jaxson said. “That’s what we do.”
Ezra nodded. “Agreed. What else have you been keeping from us?”
I opened my mouth.
“Val?” Ryder gripped my shoulder. “You have to go.”
“But—”
“I’ll find you after, but you need to go now.”
I looked around at the four faces and saw they were united. Knights against me.
“Fine.”
I left with no more arguments and made the walk back to my dorm. Sofia looked up from my computer when I came in.
“Hey, Val. How did it go? Did you talk with Ryder?”
I looked at her—face open and supportive, and I made up my mind.
“Sofia, there’s something I need to tell you...”
SOFIA STAYED WITH ME for the rest of the weekend. She said it was because she wanted to make sure I was okay, but I think she was shaken up after learning about Adam and who his father was. I didn’t tell her about how Benjamin died, Ryder’s mom, or the money, but I did feel a weight lift off my shoulders at finally telling her Adam was my son.
I wasn’t ashamed of him, and Adam would always know who I was, but other people asked questions when you tell them you gave birth at fourteen. I didn’t want questions.
“It feels wrong to have to go back to class like nothing happened,” Sofia said as I locked the door behind us. “If you want to sit out, I’ll tell administration you’re sick.”
I shook my head. “No, I’m good. This weekend was emotionally wrecking, but classes will take my mind off of it.” Over her head I spotted Kane. “You should go. Have a good day.”
