“I’m so sorry, my dear.”
I held onto her, because I couldn’t think of anything else to do. I didn’t yell or wail or sob; I let the tears fall soundlessly. When would I learn? When would I realize that I couldn’t trust boys? Not a single one of them. They either had issues or only wanted sex. Not that I was perfect. But at least I was willing to talk about things. To try to clear up misunderstandings.
“Come sit down,” Cady said.
I pulled away, keeping my eyes on the floor, and rubbed my forehead. “Thanks, but I really need to go. My parents are expecting me back any time.”
“You’re in no condition to drive.”
I jerked my head up at that. “What? I’m upset. I’m not going to run the car into a tree, Cady.”
She gave me a sympathetic smile. “I didn’t think you would. But you might cry, and it’s really hard to see well when you’re crying.”
I let out an exasperated noise. “I don’t want to be here when … ” Kyle comes back inside. I couldn’t say it. And it broke my heart that our relationship had done a one-eighty so fast that I didn’t even want to see him.
“He won’t,” Cady said. “Our Kyle is a brooder.”
“He’s not my Kyle,” I muttered.
“Please come and sit down, okay? I’ll get your parents to pick you up here.”
“I came in Geoff’s car.”
“They can bring him to get it. I promise you Kyle won’t be back for an hour or two. He’s probably in the studio pounding on some clay.”
Memories rushed to the surface—being on the studio floor, bits of clay all over me, Kyle holding me in his arms. Fresh tears stung my eyes. I turned away from Cady, who limped over to get my plate and glass. Dang it. Here I was feeling sorry for myself, and she had a broken foot. “I’ll do that,” I said, quickly heading her off.
“All right. You sit and eat. I’ll let your parents know to come get you.”
Yay. My parents. The ride home was gonna be super fun. “Okay,” I said, even though I knew I couldn’t eat. I took my food to the table and plopped down. But I turned my back to the window. The view of the forest and part of the studio was too much to take right now.
Cady left the room, but her murmuring voice echoed from the entry hall. I didn’t need to hear to know what she was telling them. I just hoped she’d keep back some of the details. It was all so embarrassing. Poor Amanda. Dumped by a guy again. Dating for less than a day. Must be some kind of record.
Why, Kyle? Why can’t you see that I’m telling the truth?
Twenty-Three
There were already forks on the table, so I used one to take a bite of my cinnamon roll. Warm icing, perfect texture to the cooked dough, and sugar and cinnamon all came together in a rush of sweetness on my tongue. I took two more bites, then put down my fork. I didn’t want to be here. If Kyle wasn’t willing to talk to me, to believe me, then maybe I should be glad this had happened before we got involved any further.
I sipped my orange juice, and my whole mouth puckered at the tartness. Nice wake-up call. What was that crap about taking the bitter with the sweet? I didn’t want either right now. I just wanted to get home to Gamma. She was more important than my stupid love life, anyway.
Cady entered the room using her crutches. “Your parents will be here in half an hour.”
I shook my head. “I’m okay now. I really should go.”
She didn’t say anything, just came to the table, set the crutches aside, and sat. “If you could do me this one last favor, I’d appreciate it.”
“What favor?”
“Stay until your parents get here. I’d like to tell you about Kyle and A.J.”
I pressed my palms against the bench’s upholstery. I wanted to leave. But a huge part of me wanted to hear what she had to say. Guess that made the decision for me. “Okay, but I need a glass of water.”
“Help yourself,” she said.
When I got back to the table, she’d elevated her leg. She set the newspaper aside and laced her fingers together. I sipped my water and waited. I didn’t know if anything she said would help me with this situation, but I had to give it a try.
“Being the older of the two boys,” she began, “A.J. has always delighted in lording it over Kyle. Most things came effortlessly for A.J.—his athletic skill, his charm, even his good looks. And Kyle, with his sensitive nature, made it all too easy. When A.J. teased him, he would get angry, which made A.J. laugh all the more. Kyle has never been skilled at letting things roll off his back. His sister told him to ignore their cousin, but he simply couldn’t. A few times, Risa stood up for Kyle, which made A.J.’s teasing even worse. Kyle became more and more closed off whenever we had family get-togethers.
“And then there were the two unfortunate dating relationships. Neither of which was A.J.’s fault—he was never involved with either of the girls, to my knowledge. It was all the result of immature young girls trying to get what they wanted. But they hurt Kyle deeply, and part of him blames A.J. for that.
“And now, with both young men practically grown, when they should be transitioning to an adult relationship, they can’t. Or won’t. There’s too much garbage clogging that bridge.” She let out a heavy sigh.
I ran my finger around the rim of my glass. “Kyle told me some of that, and I could’ve guessed the rest. But it still doesn’t make it any easier.” A sudden thought hit me. “You believe that I didn’t know Alex and A.J. were the same person, don’t you?”
A sad smile creased her face. “Of course. Kyle’s argument is irrational, but like I said, there are reasons behind his distrust. I can’t guarantee he’ll figure out he’s made a mistake, but I have a feeling he will.”
I leaned back and gripped my arms. “I’m not sure it will matter,” I said, the realization like a weight against my chest. “I’ve been through a lot in the past few months. Kyle and I probably just met at the wrong time.” But even as I said it, I didn’t want it to be true. I wanted to be with Kyle, and I wanted that now, not in a year or two years. But if he couldn’t trust me, what was the point?
“Maybe and maybe not.” She glanced out the window. “Do you have any questions for me? I’ll answer them if I can.”
Questions, questions. Can you see the future? Will Kyle ever realize how much more amazing he is than Alex? Ha. Cady wasn’t a seer. But I did have one thing I needed to know. I braced myself for her reaction. “If Kyle and I never get back together, can I still come see you?”
“Of course you can.” She stretched her arm across the table and I put my hand in hers.
“I’m gonna miss you,” I said.
“I’ll miss you too.” Her blue eyes sparkled. “But you know, you can call or text occasionally. You don’t have to wait until next summer.”
“Oh. Cool. I’ll definitely keep that in mind.”
She straightened up. “Now, finish your breakfast while I put some snacks together for the road.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
She smiled and reached for her crutches. “I want to.”
***
Cady and I went outside when we heard the SUV on the gravel drive. Once the car stopped, Geoff jumped out and stormed up to me. “Where is he?”
I shook my head and grabbed his arm. “Don’t.”
He tugged me away from everybody. “What the hell happened?” he asked in a low voice.
“It’s a huge misunderstanding,” I said. “And yeah, it hurts like hell, but he needs time, and you know what? So do I.”
Geoff’s rigid posture deflated, but he still frowned. “Are you sure? I’d love to talk to him.”
I exhaled a laugh. “Right. No, thanks. This is between us.”
He fought a smile. “You and me?”
“You know what I mean, Mr. Comedian.”
“Okay.” He hugged me. “I want to give you a ton of advice, but I know you won’t take it.”
I smirked when he released me. “Correct.”
He la
ughed and slung his arm around my shoulders. We walked slowly toward the car. “I’ll be spending some time at home soon.”
“Thanks for the warning.”
“Ha. You know, it’s good to see your snarky side make a comeback.”
I looked at his familiar profile—beard stubble, Dad’s straight nose—and fought the urge to kiss him on the cheek. He didn’t need extra self-confidence. “Did it go somewhere?”
“You tell me. I think your breakups this year knocked some spunk out of you.”
That rang true deep inside of me. “I may never say this again, but I think you’re right.”
A laugh burst from him. “Thanks?”
We reached the others and spent a minute on hugs and goodbyes, and then finally I was in the backseat of the car. I told my parents I’d talk to them about stuff with Kyle later; at least that would give me time to figure out what I wanted to say. Then I shut down my phone and snuggled against my pillow to try to sleep. I didn’t want to talk or think or read any drama-filled text messages. I just wanted to rest and not feel.
Kyle had seriously bruised my heart, but I still cared about him. I hoped we could work all this out. It just didn’t look good from where I was currently sitting. If getting dumped twice this year had taught me anything, it was that I would eventually get over Kyle—if I had to. It would just take time. And maybe about fifty million affirmations.
I definitely had time. I also had Gamma to think about.
Twenty-Four
A week and a half later, Haley was finally home from band camp. She sat on my unmade bed, her blond hair in a messy bun, scrolling through the photos of Alex on my phone while telling me about the boys from camp. I perched on my desk chair, applying sea blue nail polish on my toenails.
“I’m really glad I got to know Luis better,” she said, her gaze fixed on my phone. “I don’t know if anything will happen between us, though. He’s so shy.”
“I’m glad too,” I said, working on my little toe. Thank goodness the thing with Marcus at band camp had fallen apart. I studied the filmy lavender curtains at my window, trying to figure out how to ask Haley my question. “So there’s something I wanted to ask you.”
She looked up. “Yeah?”
“Could we tell each other from now on if we think the guy each other is interested in is a jerk or not?”
A puzzled look crossed her face. “I think I understood that sentence.”
I laughed. “It’s just … you knew Alex was a jerk from the moment we met him, didn’t you?”
She chewed on her upper lip. “Um, I wasn’t sure, but he did make my Spidey sense tingle.”
“Right.” I capped the nail polish. I’d do the other foot in a minute. “So next time I decide to date someone, could you tell me if you get a bad feeling?”
“Okay, and you can do the same for me.” She gave me a sly look. “But I haven’t met Kyle yet.”
Ugh. My heart ached at the mention of him. “I’m not dating Kyle.”
“But he said he was sorry.”
I’d had at least fifteen texts from Kyle when I finally turned my phone on at the end of our long drive home. He’d apologized, called himself an idiot, begged for a chance to talk, and asked me to forgive him. I had to put my phone in the bathroom while I unpacked so I wouldn’t answer right away. I needed to think—and, to be honest, to wait for the relationship fear to pass. I couldn’t just jump back in. “And I told him I needed time.”
“Oh!” Haley held out my phone. “You look gorgeous in this pic. You want to save it? I can crop Alex out.”
I examined the photo. Alex had his arm around me, and we were smiling outside of a movie theater. He looked hot, as always, and I looked freakishly happy. But that was because I thought I was falling for the perfect guy. If I kept the pic, I’d know those feelings were based on lies. “No. Delete it.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah. I’m sure I’ll look gorgeous again sometime.”
She chuckled. “I’m sure you will.” She continued to scroll through the photos, but then said, “What’s the latest from Kyle, anyway?”
I squinted. “Uh, what did I last tell you?”
“That you’d asked him not to contact you for a week.”
“Okay, right. After the week was over, he texted that Cady’s pottery had almost sold out at the arts festival.”
“That’s a weird thing to tell you.”
I unscrewed the top of the nail polish. “Not really. I am interested in what happens with Cady. Plus, I think Kyle is being careful. He knows he hurt me, and he’s not sure how to fix it.”
“Maybe you should help him.”
I twitched, sending a streak of blue onto my big toe. “Shoot.” I put the brush back in the nail polish and wiped off my toe with a tissue. I frowned at the thin blue jagged line left behind. Oh well.
I looked up to find Haley watching me, a questioning expression pinching her brows together. “What?” I asked.
“You heard me.”
“About helping him? How am I supposed to do that? I don’t know how to fix it either. He doesn’t trust me.”
She pushed her new purple glasses back up her nose. I was still getting used to those. I kind of missed the red ones. “Do you trust him?” she asked.
I wanted to. Kyle encouraged me, held me when I cried, and was generally sweet. “Yes and no. I trust him because of how he acted when we were getting to know each other. But I also don’t trust him, because he took a slice out of my heart.”
“Ouch.”
“Right?”
“But you seem so calm about everything. So chill.”
“I have to be. It hurts too much if I dwell on it. I’d like to be with him, but I don’t want … ” I sighed. “You know.”
“Yeah. Have you at least forgiven him? I mean, he had a pretty good reason for flipping out, even if he did get it all wrong.”
Did I forgive him? I wasn’t sure. Gamma had been telling me I needed to forgive him, and I liked to take her advice on things. But still.
Haley motioned me over, so I joined her on the bed. “Okay, there are over two hundred photos of Alex in your delete folder. You ready to get rid of them?” She put the phone in my lap.
“These are all Alex?” I asked.
“Yup. And you. Or the two of us with Alex and his friend Mark.”
“Right. The one who kept saying ‘Age’ when he was talking to Alex. It was weird, you know? I thought maybe ‘Age’ was one of Alex’s football nicknames. It didn’t make sense, but I forgot about the whole thing as our relationship went on.”
“Oooo. Age—A.J. That’s right. Wonder why he told you his name was Alex, instead of just saying A.J.”
“Don’t know. I mean, maybe he wanted to use a different name with girls who didn’t go to his school.”
Haley wrinkled her nose, scrunching up her glasses. “Why? How could that help?”
I had no answer for her. I really hadn’t known Alex as well as I thought. “Your guess is as good as mine.”
She twisted her lips to one side. “Maybe he just wanted to try a new name. You know, to separate himself from his family or something.”
“When did you get so analytical?”
“Is that what I’m being?” She chuckled, but then tapped my phone. “You ready to do this?”
I sucked in a noisy breath. “I think so.”
I picked up the cell phone. Images of goofy or smiling people looked back at me. They meant nothing. Just faces from a chapter in my life that I’d finished. Getting rid of them would be a beginning instead of an ending, right? And just like when I’d blocked Alex’s number so I wouldn’t have to keep getting text messages, I pressed Delete All, and then pressed it again when the warning message came up about not being able to get the photos back. The delete folder was empty. A warm feeling grew inside me.
I smiled at Haley, who grinned back. “We should celebrate,” she said. “Want to go out for ice cream?”
“Ri
ght now? I haven’t finished painting my toe nails.”
She scooted off the bed. “No one will notice.”
“I don’t know if that’s good or bad.” I laughed. “Oh, and we’ll need to hurry. I’m going to Gamma’s at four.”
“Okay, we’ll be super speedy. I need to go pee first,” she said and rushed from the room.
I stood up, put on my flip-flops, and eyed the phone in my hand. It did seem like a time for beginnings. Before I could stop myself, I opened my message thread with Kyle.
Me: I forgive you.
I stared at the screen, willing him to text back instantly. But nothing happened. A heaviness tried to settle on me, but I shrugged it off. Time to celebrate with Haley. I put the phone in my purse and left the room.
***
A few days later, Gamma and I were locked in one of our intense games. “Got any threes?” I asked, gazing at her over my fan of playing cards.
She pretended to study the cards in her hand. I knew what she was going to say, but she loved playing out a moment for maximum drama. Just like Geoff. “Go fish.”
“Ugh.” I drew a card—the five of clubs—and tucked it into my very full hand. With just two of us playing Go Fish I had to hold onto a lot of cards. Gamma already had four books laid out on the table in front of her. Yeah, she was a Go Fish card shark. Heh.
We sat in her small apartment in the retirement home, late afternoon sun streaming through the window that faced west. Pretty soon, I’d need to close the blinds, or we’d be baking. Speaking of which. “How much time is left on that chicken casserole?” I asked.
She checked the wall clock. “Half an hour. Stop asking about food. You’re trying to distract me because I’m winning.”
I laughed. “Dang. You figured out my evil plan.”
She pursed her lips, deepening the lines around her mouth. “Have any kings?”
Amanda Vs The Universe Page 17
