by Brian McCann
PENGUIN WORKSHOP
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Text copyright © 2020 by Brian McCann. Illustrations copyright © 2020 by Meghan Lands. All rights reserved. Published by Penguin Workshop, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC, New York. PENGUIN and PENGUIN WORKSHOP are trademarks of Penguin Books Ltd, and the W colophon is a registered trademark of Penguin Random House LLC.
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EBook ISBN 9781524793012
pid_prh_5.5.0_c0_r0
FOR MADELEINE, GLEASON, AND RUTH—BM
FOR MY MOM, LOVE MEGHAN—ML
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
The Introduction to the Book You Are Reading
The Day the Cows Built a Car for Themselves
The Day the Chickens Tried to Build a Flat-Screen TV
The Day the Pigs Tried to Live like Humans
The Day the Sheep Wanted to Become Barbers
The Day the Horses Decided They Could Make the Farm More Successful!
It’s the Epilogue of the Book!
Acknowledgments
THE INTRODUCTION TO THE BOOK YOU ARE READING
(IT’S SUPPOSED TO SET UP THE STORY. I HOPE IT WORKS!)
Have you ever wondered
what animals think?
Do they ever get bored?
Do they mind that they stink?
Do they look to the sky?
Do they stare at the stars?
Do they know that we’re sending
spaceships to Mars?
Do they ever feel jealous?
Or happy? Or sad?
Do they ever think fondly
of a meal they just had?
The answers to these questions are:
you must have, yes, no, yes, yes, no,
yes, yes, yes, and yes.
Hey! That didn’t rhyme!
What’s the deal with this book?!
Is it filled with good stories
or just gobbledygook?
Well, gobbledygook
is a very good thing.
You might be surprised
at the joy it can bring.
But these are good stories,
epic and true,
although when I say that they’re true,
I’m lying to you.
But you’ll enjoy them, I promise.
Grab a hot chocolate to drink
’cause it’s time to discover
what animals think.
Now, at this point you’re probably wondering how I know what animals think. Am I a mind reader? Was I raised by wolves? Did an evil doctor implant a microchip in my brain that allows me to have telepathic communications with our four-legged friends? Those are all great theories, but none are correct. The truth is, I don’t know for sure what animals are thinking. I’m just a human being, and human beings don’t have superpowers. But I’m a very good judge of character, and when it comes to the stories in this book, I’m pretty sure I’m right about what the animals were thinking. So, let me continue . . .
There’s a farm in the country,
a sweet little place,
where life moves along
at a leisurely pace.
It’s not far from the city,
the traffic, and crowds,
but instead of bright lights,
it has puffy white clouds.
It goes by the name of
Wannabe Farms.
It’s quiet and quaint
with no shortage of charms.
There’s a stream, and a lake,
and a big old red barn.
You’ll find milk, you’ll find eggs,
you’ll find large spools of yarn.
For the animals there
life is simple and slow.
They eat and they sleep,
they watch the grass grow.
But the world all around them
is building and growing,
and this gets them thinking,
and ideas start flowing.
They start to have wishes.
They hatch plots and schemes.
They start to think bigger.
They start to have dreams.
But on Wannabe Farms,
dreams never come true,
at least not the way
dreams usually do.
Is that bad? Is that sad?
No, it’s not, not at all.
Pursuing a dream
is the point of it all.
So, hold tight the book
at the end of your arms,
and I’ll tell you what happened
on . . .
WANNABE FARMS.
THE DAY THE COWS BUILT A CAR FOR THEMSELVES
(IT DIDN’T GO WELL!)
Our very first story
is about the cows
and how they wanted
to change their lives somehow . . .
You see, the cows spent their days
in a field eating hay,
watching humans drive cars
heading this and that way.
Cars zooming past
was a sight that was new
as the suburbs kept growing
and the new highway came through.
To the cows it looked fun,
driving here, driving there,
heading out on adventures,
the wind in their hair.
They found their field boring,
the same thing every day.
Not much to look at
while chewing dry hay.
If they had a car,
they could go into town,
try lots of new food,
have a good look around.
The cows had an idea:
build a car of their own.
Take it on rides
away from their home.
It was an awful idea.
Cows can’t build cars.
It doesn’t matter
how determined they are.
They don’t understand engines,
computers, or gas.
They don’t understand wheels
or windows of glass.
Cows can’t hold a hammer.
They can’t draw or design.
They can’t steer or use blinkers
or read a stop sign.
Cows are wonderful,
gentle, and kind.
But building a car?
Were they out of their minds?
Just for the record, yes, these cows were out of their minds. Do you know how much the average cow weighs? Around two thousand pounds! And I’m going to assume that a cow would want to drive around with a friend or two, so that’s, like, six thousand pounds, which is the weight of about forty-five people. The cows would need to build a huge truck to achieve their dreams, and I don�
��t need to tell you that cows shouldn’t build trucks, either!
When it comes to car building,
cows haven’t a clue.
They simply can’t understand
the things that we do.
Where would they sit?
How fast would they go?
Could they pump their own gas?
The answer is no!
Oh, cows should never,
ever build cars.
But they tried to that day.
They reached for the stars.
They started collecting
what they thought they could use:
a large wooden crate,
a pair of old shoes.
They knew wheels were important
to roll on the ground,
but they didn’t know wheels
had to be round.
So they got boxes, a funnel,
an old flowerpot.
Would these work as wheels?
You and I know they would not.
How to assemble
the parts they were using?
A cow can’t use nails.
That’s far too confusing.
A cow can’t use tape.
A cow can’t use glue.
And cows can’t fathom
a screwdriver and screw.
So they shoved things together,
tied them tight with a hose.
How the cows thought of that
nobody knows.
Well, it took them all day,
but at last they were done.
One cow stood in the car
and . . . it didn’t run.
How odd, how strange,
the car didn’t go.
This wasn’t much fun.
It couldn’t even go slow.
Then they noticed an apple
fall off of a tree.
As it rolled down the hill,
it gathered up speed!
They looked at each other,
then looked to the hill.
Then they all started pushing.
They wanted a thrill!
To the top, to the top,
they hauled their contraption,
eagerly wanting
some sweet downhill action.
They got their cow car
up next to the tree.
Then they all got in
and counted—One! Two! Three!
Then—crash! It collapsed!
It smashed to the ground.
Those cows were so heavy.
It was such a loud sound!
They all tumbled out.
The tree was still shaking.
And that was the end
of the car they were making.
But as the branches kept swaying,
apples fell off the tree,
filling the car
with a delicacy!
Delicious, nutritious,
what a wonderful treat.
There were more than enough
tasty apples to eat.
And as the cows looked around,
what did they see?
All sorts of fresh food
growing for free!
Alfalfa and clover,
corn and small flowers,
endless green grasses,
they could be eating for hours!
They celebrated and danced.
They all let out a moo!
And that was when
they noticed the view!
From high on the hill
they could see the whole town.
They could see every town
for miles around.
What a view! What a sight!
What a wonderful thrill!
The cows’ dreams had come true
on the top of that hill.
No car was needed,
no roads and no driving,
to see far-off cities
and feel they were thriving.
They couldn’t believe it.
They hadn’t a care,
surrounded by food,
the wind in their hair!
What an adventure.
What a success.
They loved their new home
with the hilltop address!
The view was exciting.
The food wasn’t boring.
They were giddy and happy.
Their spirits were soaring.
And this wouldn’t have happened
if they didn’t try.
If they were content
watching cars driving by.
But on that fateful day,
they decided to see,
if they tried their hardest,
how good life could be.
Do you have a dream
that you want to come true?
Well, before you pursue it,
here’s a message for you:
There’s no better time
to get going than now,
unless you’re planning
to build a car for a cow!
Don’t pursue that dream. It’s a real bad idea. I think I’ve made that abundantly clear in this story. It would be really dangerous, and you wouldn’t make any money because cows don’t have money to buy cars.
Thank you.
THE DAY THE CHICKENS TRIED TO BUILD A FLAT-SCREEN TV
(SPOILER: IT WENT POORLY.)
When the cows spent a day
constructing their car,
the chickens were watching it all
from afar.
They heard all the mooing,
they saw all the fun,
then they witnessed
the massive destruction.
Pursuing a dream
looked like a fun thing to do.
It didn’t matter at all
if it only sort of came true.
But when chickens have dreams,
you better take cover.
Those birds go bananas.
They all act like each other!
They get so excited.
They form a huge flock.
Their eyes get gigantic.
They cluck and they squawk.
They’re nervous by nature.
They herk and they jerk!
This jittery crew
goes completely berserk!
Yes, when chickens have dreams,
you should stay far away.
Let me tell you a story
that happened one day . . .
It seemed like a day
that was just like the rest.
The chickens were quiet,
spending time on their nests.
But as evening arrived
with nothing to do,
the chickens got bored,
the chickens felt blue.
Wasn’t there something
they could do as a group?
Some way to have fun
right there in the coop?
Then the farmer did something
that excited them all.
He quickly installed
a magic box on his wall.
The box had arrived
that day on a truck.
And when it lit up,
they all let out a cluck!
They stared for a second,
mesmerized by the glow,
then flocked in an instant
to the farmer’s window.
Pushing and shoving,
they wanted to see.
What
was this thing?
(It’s called a TV.)
But its name didn’t matter,
not important at all.
The chickens just wanted
this thing on the wall.
A mystical box
playing wonderful things.
They cock-a-doodled and dooed!
And flapped their short wings!
Every channel he changed to,
every image they saw,
sent them into a frenzy,
filled them with awe!
Boxing, bobsledding,
discount bedding,
a commercial for cars,
a royal wedding,
a cat on a wire,
a roaring campfire,
a children’s choir,
a washer and dryer!
Dolphins, soccer,
magic, and cakes.
Women in trucks,
men using rakes.
Movies and sports,
fun videos,
plays and cartoons,
all kinds of weird shows!
A girl singing a song,
two men dancing along,
a woman in a sarong,
a monk hitting a gong!
The TV was amazing!
They must get one, but how?
Then they quickly decided
they would build one right now!
But before we go on,
let’s take a moment or two,
and discuss if building TVs
is something chickens should do . . .
To them it seemed simple
to build a TV,
but that idea is absurd
for a chicken, you see.
Not that I’m saying
chickens aren’t smart.
But are they as smart as an electrical engineer who understands pixels, gases, and other electrically neutral, highly ionized substances? Are they as smart as Donald Bitzer, Gene Slottow, and Robert Wilson, who in 1964 invented the first plasma display panel that led to the flat-screen TV? Are they as smart as Philo T. Farnsworth, who in 1927 invented what is known as an all-electronic image pickup device, which then became the first television ever?
No. Chickens aren’t.
