Courage to follow your heart

by Christina Aas

  Outside it was dark and misty, heavy rain clouds hanging low across the sky threatening to burst any minute. The same gloomy weather had remained for the entire week now, somehow suiting the context of the events and the reason they were all gathered here in this house. The low air pressure didn’t help with the headache and the feeling of being constantly exhausted and tired. Kris felt her eyelids close slowly and she lay down on her bed to pull the cover over her grieving body. Tomorrow would be the day, the day they had dreaded all week. The day she knew would come, but didn’t know if she could handle. Her exhaustion finally won over her worry and she let her eyelids fully close and her mind draw blank when she drifted off to sleep.

  Chapter 13

  The group walked through the dark evening toward the party room, as they so nicely had nicknamed the large empty hall where most of their house parties were held during the summer. The summer night was warm, but with a nice cool breeze tugging at their clothes. The stars had peered out between the few clouds they had seen pass over earlier, and Liz looked up at the sky wondering what Kris was doing at this moment, wondering how she was. I wish she would return soon. I wish I could do something for her. Liz was frustrated with the waiting, and being alone with her feelings. For everyone else this was just a normal evening, one of the more fun parties of the summer. They were positively excited, energetic and eager to see the other costumes people had come up with. Liz felt like she was more just going through the motions tonight, but she had promised herself to try and have a good time anyways.

  Inside the music was thumping and Liz felt as if she had entered a twilight zone – with aliens and space men everywhere. Someone had taken the time to hang papier-mâché satellites and rockets from the ceiling, and it created the perfect atmosphere. The lights were dimmed and the alcohol flowed freely already. Katie grabbed Liz on the shoulder, “let’s get cracking on those beers huh?”, sensing her friend needed a distraction at this point since she saw her emptily gaze around the room. Katie, on the other hand, was ecstatic – this was the party of the summer and she needed it after all the drama they had been through recently. She let her eyes check out the scene and absorbed the impressing variety of innovative space-derived costumes in their vicinity, people had really gone all out with the limited supplies they had available at such short notice. Katie almost felt out of place with her own telescope outfit, but after catching a few admiring glances she decided her costume was probably good enough.

  Katie and Liz walked over toward the bar. Reese was busy tending to a couple of planet-dressed students at the far end of the bar and didn’t notice them walk up. Thank god! Liz avoided looking her way. The co-bartender walked up and asked their order. He quickly started on getting the beers ready while Liz tried to relax at the bar, feeling antsy since Kris was still back home and she hadn’t heard from her yet.

  The bass of the music had a nice beat and Liz let her head bop for a while, just letting go and trying to enjoy the moment while they waited for their beers. Katie’s eyes scanned the room. “Looking for someone special?” Liz winked at her while poking her in the side. “Yeah, no… Just looking around is all” Katie stuttered and failed to hide her own smile when her eyes finally landed on Bryan, dressed as something which looked like a rocket engineer she guessed. He had a white t-shirt with some dirty smutches on it, tools in his belt, a cap on, a fake explosive in one hand and protective googles on. But when Bryan turned around and discovered the two of them looking his direction, he looked anything but happy. In fact, he looked furious as he curled his fists and straightened his lips to a thin angry line. He stared straight at Katie, and Liz could feel the chilling wind streak across the room and hit them straight in the face. Katie looked equally shocked, her mouth open and eyes wide when she looked in dismay at Bryan as he turned on his heel and dragged his friends in the opposite direction.

  The bartender coughed lightly behind them to indicate their beers were ready and Liz turned to grab them since Katie had her attention elsewhere. Just as Liz put her fingers around the two plastic cups she felt a pair of eyes locked on to her from the corner of her eye and slowly let her focus travel the length of the stare, only to meet up with Hunter’s eyes at the other end of the bar. Hunter tilted her head while smiling at her, raising her beer in a cheer. Liz returned the toast, but tried carefully to keep her facial expression polite and not too happy. She was afraid to give Hunter the wrong impression again, but still thought she was a cool girl and hoped they at some point could be friends perhaps. Liz turned around to give Katie her beer. “What was that about, with Bryan?” Katie remained silent, still staring straight ahead as if not believing what they had just seen. Liz could hear the cogwheels churn in her head, and decided to leave her too it. I’ll ask her more later, when she’s up for it.

  A rock tune hit the speakers and Liz felt in the mood for letting her guard down a bit and pausing her brain. She eyed out the pool table and found a group of Spanish and Italian students surrounding it. She whispered at Katie her intention and walked over to the table. “Room for one more?” she asked jolly while she peered around the happy crowd. “Ah, sure, we’re two full teams, but one of our guys here, Ricardo, is missing someone to play with. You two can be the third team, playing against whomever wins this match if that’s okay?” the dark-haired Spaniard asked. “Sounds good to me. I’m not very good at this, but I find it a lot of fun” Liz excused herself. “No worry, none of us are very good at it. We just play for fun too.” Ricardo responded while he shook her hand to introduce himself.

  They stood by the table and watched the game slowly progress, the two teams playing being almost equally good. But finally, after what felt like a small eternity, a loser had been elected and it was their turn to try their luck. Liz gathered the cue stick and eyed out the table. “You wanna start?” she asked Ricardo. “Sure, I can try.” He stepped up to the table to align his cue with the triangle of colors centered on the green felt. He hit hard and precisely, just like a physicist trying to solve a quantum mechanical equation during the last hour of an exam. He knocked down several balls, indicating their preference for stripes. He continued his streak for one more shot before the opposite team got their turn. The two of them toasted. “Best team ever!” Ricardo air toasted his beer.

  Hunter looked across the room longingly. Her eyes had travelled continuously back to the same spot in the room for the last hour. The sight was breathtaking. Liz was wearing tight jeans as part of her alien costume and the jeans hid nothing when she stretched herself far across the pool table to reach the balls in the center. “Hey, you’re almost drooling you know?” Jeff remarked when he poked into her side. “How about shifting your focus over here instead huh?” he asked while pointing toward the dance floor on which they were standing, surrounded by a big group of happy drunk people. “Tinka is here and she brought friends this time” he grinned and shrugged into her shoulder. “The view here isn’t too bad either you know”.

  “Yeah, I know. Sorry man, I just can’t seem to shake it. But I’m trying, I swear!” she puffed out and took a large sip of her beer, slowly returned her gaze to their group. “I know you are, just keep trying and I’ll be here to make sure the cute girls are too, for whenever you’re ready, okay?” he replied gently while squeezing her shoulder lightly. She brought her beer up to his and toasted him, “to great friends!” she grinned at him and sent him a thankful praise just as one of Tinka’s friends decided to start slow dancing in the middle of the circle of friends. Her sexy moves surely were a nice distraction Hunter had to admit, and she thought she even caught the girl winking at her in between her twirls.

  ◆◆◆

  As the evening slowly neared its end, people were getting more and more drunk while the bartenders continued to provide their smooth cocktails and free beers. Reese stood with her palms resting on the bar counter and let her gaze appraise the room and its many drunk inhabitants. “Successful party this one” she indicated to her partner. “Yup, I think we c
an safely say so” he grinned in return while he poured a gin tonic to a girl dressed as a space angel. The girl had her fingers on his lower arm when he poured the final drops of the tonic into her cocktail glass, and he smiled deeply at her while he handed her the drink. Reese simply shook her head at him and smiled to herself, wishing she had a certain someone in her own arms at the moment. Her smile withered away when her eyes caught site of Liz in the middle of the dance floor making everyone around her stare longingly at her very skilled and sensual dancing moves. The girl surely can dance… Reese melancholically thought to herself before she shook her head angrily. Move on already! She was perfectly clear about her lack of interest! Reese noticed she was not the only one with painful longing in her eyes, when she found Hunter standing on the sideline watching Liz intently. Suddenly Hunter walked right up to the girl and grabbed Liz by her wrists, dragging her off the dance floor and out of the hall into the backroom. Reese wondered what that was all about.

  Reese turned her attention back to the bar counter and the next customer lining up. Bryan tapped the counter angrily. “Beer please!” Reese stared annoyed at him, but he ignored her, instead looking out into the big room searching for somebody. As soon as she had given him the new iced bottle, he twisted the cap fiercely and rushed out into the room. Some people should mind their manners!

  Bryan took long strides straight to the middle of the room. Katie didn’t see him coming until he was standing right next to her, filled with anger and frustration. “You should really know that word travels around here. There are no secrets. I know, okay?” Bryan fumed his words out. Katie was completely taken aback with surprise. What on earth is he talking about?? Then a fist of dread hit her straight in her chest, all the air left her immediately, and she could feel her sight blurring and dots of light prickling in front of her. No, please no. Katie collected herself the best she could and mustered a calm tone of voice before replying. “You heard about Roger?” She looked carefully at him and saw the angry spark in his eyes, giving her hope that he still cared. He cares enough to be pissed with me at least.

  Katie grasped Bryan’s arm gently and stepped closer to him, whispering now. “I can explain, I promise. Please let me.” But Bryan was already wringing himself out of her hands and walking briskly away from her. He put his beer bottle on the counter before he left out the door of the building. Katie’s feet were glued to the floor for a few seconds while she let the surprise catch up to her. Then she quickly ran out after him.

  Outside the air had cooled down and the night was pitch black, surrounding them with a blanket of stars. Katie tried to catch her breath while she desperately looked around for him. But she couldn’t see Bryan anywhere. Where is he?? Did I lose him already? She leaned her hand to the wall and took a deep breath. What am I doing? Why do I care so much about him? What should I do about Roger? Katie felt her heart tear apart while it tried to follow her in two different directions.

  ◆◆◆

  Liz stumbled behind Hunter while she walked briskly and fast toward the dimly lit backroom. Liz was not entirely sure what had just happened, at one moment she had been enjoying the music and its bass rhythm, and suddenly she was being half dragged half pulled across the room by Hunter. She tried casting a questioning glance back at Jeff who stood left behind at the floor, but he simply shrugged his shoulders and returned his attention to Tinka who were writhing intently into his body.

  “Where are you taking me?” Liz tried to ask Hunter when they walked quickly into the backroom. She got no reply, but finally Hunter pulled her to a halt and turned around to look at her. “I just needed to tell you something” she drunkenly swirled at her while she still held her hand possessively. “I just couldn’t stand silently by and watch anymore. You’re so incredibly cute and I have liked you since the first day I saw you.” Hunter’s speech slurred and she swayed slowly. “Why won’t you return any of my feelings?” she stated sadly while looking straight at Liz. Liz wanted to sink into the floor, she was never any good with direct confrontation, and this was as direct as it comes. She could see the raw hurt in Hunter’s eyes when she stood in front of her proclaiming her love and laying it all out on the table.

  Liz had to admire her guts, she was a brave woman, someone who truly deserved love. She decided this was also the approach she should take, she owed her the truth, and she had to finally admit it to herself as well. “I’m really really sorry Hunter. I haven’t been very clear with you, and for this I‘m truly sorry. It seems that my heart has selected for me, and it’s been taken by someone else unfortunately.” Liz lowered her eyes for a moment, collecting her courage. “You’re an incredible person, funny and warm and very charming. You deserve someone special, someone who’s ready to be whom you deserve, someone who’ll appreciate you properly.” Liz looked back up at Hunter. “Unfortunately, this person won’t be me. My heart is already taken. It wasn’t planned, and it wasn’t the way I thought this summer would go, and I’m not even sure the gesture is returned. But I can’t change the way my heart feels, I just have to follow it and try my best.” Liz shrugged her shoulders and shot Hunter an apologetic look. “I hope you can understand that this isn’t an attempt to hurt you; that’s the last thing I would want to do.” Liz looked intently into her eyes, trying to convey her compassion with her glance. “It’s merely a statement of truth, as you deserve it. And I do really want to be your friend, whenever, if ever, you’re ready for it.” Liz stroked her arm slowly up Hunter’s and grasped her shoulder carefully, pulling her crying body into an embracing hug while she gently stroked her on top of her head, letting her curly hair fall between her fingers. “I’m sorry” she repeated quietly while gently stroking Hunter across her back with her other arm.

  After a long time had passed it seemed as if Hunter finally understood the situation and woke up a bit, pulling herself abruptly out of Liz’ embrace and hardened her gaze while looking straight past Liz. “It’s fine, no worries. I get it.” Hunter looked briefly down at the floor before raising harshly cold eyes up again. “If you could please just forget all about it I would be eternally grateful” she tightened her lips to a narrow line and straightened herself, seemingly bracing her heart against any further embarrassment and feelings. “Sure, consider it forgotten” Liz whispered in return while she tried to catch Hunter’s eyes unsuccessfully. “Thanks” Hunter exclaimed before walking briskly past Liz and out back toward the party arena, which was slowly emptying since the party was nearing its end. Liz looked after her, feeling sorry for her but knowing there was nothing she could do but let Hunter go and process her feelings. She had her own heart to mend, and at the moment it was hurting too. All evening it had been longing for someone who was not there and she did not know when would be there.

  ◆◆◆

  The birds were chirping happily in the background, but this fact seemed lost to both Liz and Katie, as they walked somberly in the back of the group. It was a beautiful Saturday and a large group of the students had signed up for the hiking trip through the national park. Most of the students were skipping happily up the trail while singing songs or taking pictures of the surrounding beauty. But Liz and Katie were dragging their feet, mostly staring down at the rocks gliding underneath their toes while they stepped up the gravel path. “Still hungover from yesterday?” Liz asked Katie when they walked up to a view point along the mountain side. “Yeah…” Katie murmured as she stepped up to the edge and peered out across the horizon.

  Liz stepped up next to her, sensing it wasn’t just the alcohol bothering Katie this day. “Beautiful, huh?” Liz pointed out across the moss covered dark grey mountain side leaning down into the forest valley below. “Yeah…” Katie nodded slightly while her head moved very slowly downwards to take in the view. Liz grasped her shoulder gently and turned Katie toward her. “Hey you. What’s really going on?” She waited patiently until Katie’s chin tilted up and she could meet her eyes. “Something’s going on with you today, I can see it.” Liz waved her hand o
ut across the spectacular view. “We’re in the middle of one of the greatest national treasures the US has to offer, and your response is the most unenthusiastic I have ever seen from you. What’s really going on, huh…?” Liz tilted her head carefully and squeezed Katie’s shoulder.

  “I’m sorry, my head’s just not with me today. I just have a lot on my mind, is all.” Katie shrugged her shoulders apologetically. But Liz wouldn’t give up. She raised her other hand to grasp Katie’s other shoulder and stood straight in front of her. “It might help to talk about it, you know. Sometimes you just need a sounding board, someone to vent too.” Katie looked up at her before turning her head out across the tree tops. Liz followed her eyes to trace the outline of the snow-covered peaks in the far distant. The rest of the group had moved on and they were alone in the quiet nature, hearing the soft swaying of the tree crowns as the wind gently caressed them. “I just don’t know what to do. I think I’ve really fallen for him. But I can’t. I have Roger. And we’re supposed to get married next year. We’re supposed to be building a family together. Everyone expects it. But I just can’t. I can’t picture it. It doesn’t feel right.” Katie slumped her shoulders and lowered her head. “I don’t know what to do. When I look at him I can feel my heart sing. He brings my whole body to shivers, I can feel my every cell waking up again. It’s as if I’ve been sleepwalking for years and someone has finally woken me up. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.”

  A bird flew past them and they both followed its flight with their eyes, past the green leaves and branches into the blue sky above. “If you like Bryan that much I think you should go for it. It sounds to me like your heart has already chosen for you. But I can’t really speak though, I’ve never been in a long-term committed relationship like yours. I don’t know what it’s like after so many years.” Liz looked back over at Katie. “But I think you should always listen to your heart, otherwise you can’t find true happiness. And life is too short, you know.” Liz’ voice trailed off as she shifted her gaze out across the edge and down to the water flowing past the rocks in the middle of the valley. She turned back up to Katie again and found her surprised stare in return. “You knew I liked Bryan?” Katie uttered her shock.