Courage to follow your heart

by Christina Aas

  The group nodded gratefully, and while Jeff shot her a look of irritation, neither of them argued against her. It seemed they had accepted her maneuvering. Liz took a breath and smiled to herself, thankful to be able to get a few hours for herself. Tomorrow would come quick enough. She started packing up her stuff with the rest of the group and walked out of the study hall building into the warm night. The moist air hit her after spending too many hours inside the air conditioned space. She felt the tiredness and exhaustion in her legs and they swiftly buckled before she braced herself on the door handle and straightened her back. “You okay?” Katie gently squeezed her shoulder and tilted a sideways glance while they stepped outside. “Yeah sure, just more tired than I expected I guess. Let’s grab some sleep and hope these few hours will be sufficient to rock the presentation tomorrow” Liz feigned as much enthusiasm as her tired body could muster at this point.

  They both stumbled across the lawn in the darkness. “I spoke with Felicia and Erik earlier. They said that the two Greeks have pulled out of the skydiving this weekend. Do you think we should cancel one of the rentals?” Katie looked hesitantly over at Liz, holding on to her books. “No, it should be fine. Better to have some space anyways. Although, I might catch a ride with Kris on her bike, we’ll see. Just so she doesn’t have to drive alone while the rest of us are in the cars.”

  Katie shot her a quizzical look and raised her eyebrow. “You know you don’t have to make up excuses to me. If you wanna spend some time with her then all you have to do is let me know, okay? You two seem to be hitting it off, and I for one think it’s great.” Katie squeezed her arm and smiled to Liz. Liz stared back at her, complete surprise written all across her expression. “When did you know??” Katie laughed out loud. “Are you kidding me? You guys have pretty much been drooling all over each other the whole summer, I’d have to be blind not to notice. But the one thing I can’t really seem to understand is; why pretend? Why don’t you just come out and be honest about it? Why do you guys try and hide it so much?” Katie curiously peered over at Liz while shrugging her shoulders. “You know, we live in the 21st century. It’s not such a big deal, it’s just love. You should be proud about who you are, and you should be expressing your feelings openly.” Katie grasped Liz’ shoulder and squeezed it. “I at least find it wonderful that you two hit it off here during this summer, I think you make a great couple.” Katie smiled at Liz.

  “Thank you… really” Liz leaned in and hugged her just as they stopped in front of the dormitory building. “You’re a very good friend” Liz leaned back and returned the smile. “But how about you? If I’m not utterly mistaken, then I’m not the only one who’s found love during this summer…?” Liz peered carefully over at Katie, knowing well that this was a dangerous path to traverse. Katie shifted her eyes toward Liz and blew an air of exhaustion while a world of emotions travelled through her eyes, from true happiness to deep pain and regret. “Yeah, you’re right.” Katie looked over at Liz with pain in her eyes.

  “I’m sorry. It must be tough going through when you have Roger at home to think about” Liz squeezed Katie’s hand again. “But I’ve noticed Bryan’s longing gaze after you whenever you’re around. He sure seems to be into you. How are you dealing with all of it?” Liz curiously and cautiously asked. “I know you have Roger back home, but still, you can’t control the way you feel, right?” Katie stared down at the ground and swirled a piece of grovel underneath her shoe. “No, indeed, I can’t help it. It started the first moment I saw Bryan, and ever since it’s just grown stronger. I really have feelings for him, I just can’t help myself.” Katie peered up at Liz again, regretfully shrugging her shoulders.

  Liz grasped Katie’s shoulder and brought her in for a tight hug. “You can’t blame yourself here, okay? Your heart lives a life of its own. But you’ve gotta tell Roger, okay? If it’s really serious, this thing with Bryan, you’ll feel better about it once you’ve spoken with Roger.” The two of them looked at each other.

  “I know. Actually, I called him last night and ended things. I knew it couldn’t go on like this. After Bryan kissed me, I knew my heart had fallen for him.” The tiny piece of stone rolled slowly across the gravel as Katie kicked it away with her toes. “And how do you feel now, are you okay with the decision?” Liz followed the stone with her gaze before shifting back to Katie. “Yeah, I do, I really do. I mean, it hurts, all the years of memories, and all our future plans gone. But I know we’re both gonna be better for it. It’s for the best. I can’t keep deceiving myself. I have to follow my heart.” Katie shook her head decisively and straightened in a smile. “But first some sleep” she laughed aloud.

  Liz hugged Katie once more, before they said goodbye to each other. “Off to bed!” Katie waved back at Liz while she walked off toward her room. Liz slowly turned to walk up the stairs to her own floor. She stopped on the balcony outside her room and glanced upwards, taking in the striking beauty of the full moon overhead. She stared up at it and wondered to herself how Kris was, if she was asleep at the moment or not. She almost wanted to go over to her room to check for herself, but it was the middle of the night and it wouldn’t be a good idea, she convinced herself. Instead she turned around and twisted the doorknob to let herself into her apartment for the summer. As soon as she stepped in she gasped.

  Her room was entirely lit up by candles everywhere. On her bed she saw Kris stretched out, asleep with a red rose held in her hand. She was fully dressed in very nice white starched shirt and black trousers. She looked so peaceful where she lay, and Liz felt her heart ignite at Kris’ incredible gesture. Liz stood frozen inside the door and took in the enormity of the act. Kris had come into her room and done all this, just for her. She had never had anyone do such a gesture. Liz felt a tear slowly make its way down her cheek while she embraced the moment. A low sensuous voice murmured “Hey beautiful”. Liz shifted her gaze over to Kris. “I’ve missed you, you know”. Kris shifted to lay toward her, resting her head in her hand. Liz let her eyes grace slowly down Kris’ body across her gorgeous full breasts accentuated by the tight fit of the white shirt. She met her own sultry hunger in Kris’ eyes, as she lay staring back up at her. “You’re amazing, you know?” Liz’ voice cracked and Kris began to raise up. Liz waved her off and walked toward the bed. “I’m just speechless. No one has ever done anything like this for me before.”

  Kris grasped her hand gently and pulled her the last distance toward the edge of the bed. Kris sat up and maneuvered Liz in between her legs before she slowly stroked her hands up her legs and across her smooth behind up her back. “You deserve it. You’re incredible. Everything you do for me and everyone around you. I wanted to thank you, but words didn’t seem enough. Not nearly enough. ” Kris pulled Liz down toward her and gently wiped away her tears before pulling her into a tight embrace. Liz stroked her hands slowly across Kris’ back before letting them travel up to her shoulders, gently squeezing them. “I lo…” She paused and swallowed heavily. “I can’t believe how lucky I am”. Kris grasped Liz’ chin and turned their heads to meet. She stretched upwards and very softly kissed her, letting her tongue graze across her lips before slowly entering.

  The kiss started as a sensuous sweet kiss, but as hands roamed across bodies and tongues moved frantically, the kiss grew bolder and hungrier, taking them both to a deeper and deeper sensation. Liz pulled her head back and gasped. “I need to touch you… now… Please…” Kris shook her head before pulling Liz down next to her on the bed. Kris started unbuttoning Liz’ polo shirt before tugging it over her head, leaving Liz’ breasts exposed in their white lace bra. Kris turned on top of Liz and caressed her hand across Liz’ belly before she let her tongue trace the same pattern. Her fingers moved downwards and unbuttoned Liz’ jeans. She felt Liz buckle her hips upwards, in desperate need. But Kris wanted to take her time. She opened the buttons very slowly, one at a time, while her tongue moved upwards toward her chest. As the last button surrendered she slowly started pulling the je
ans down over her hips, feeling Liz help her by shifting her hips up from the bed.

  Meanwhile Kris’ tongue slipped inside Liz’ white lace bra and swiped quickly across her nipple, which hardened instantaneously. She could smell Liz’ excitement and the knowledge that she was the cause made Kris incredibly turned on. As Liz’ jeans fell away Kris let her hand move slowly up inside Liz’ thighs, up and between her legs. She grazed across her underwear and could feel moisture seeping through, warmth reflecting into her hand. She wanted so desperately to go slow, but it was difficult. Difficult when she could feel how ready Liz was for her. Liz desperately tried to unbutton Kris’ shirt, but Kris pulled away. “Not yet my love, first it’s your turn.” Before Liz had a chance to reply Kris swallowed Liz’ words with a hungry probing kiss. Her other hand travelled upwards and quickly unhooked Liz’ bra to release her breasts. Kris let her fingers enclose one of her hard nipples and squeezed it tight while she let her tongue graze the inside of Liz’ mouth. Liz moaned heavily and pulled herself upwards into Kris’ embrace. Kris positioned her arms on either side of Liz and leaned down between her legs, letting her other hand move slowly in between to dip into her wetness. “God, you’re wet” Kris sighed with amazement.

  “You turn me on you know” Liz grinned sheepishly, biting her lower lip.

  Kris let her finger trace circles across Liz’ very erect clitoris and she could feel Liz shudder while her orgasm already climbed toward its edge. Kris shifted her mouth to Liz’ breast and bit gently on Liz’ nipple while she thrusted two of her fingers deep inside Liz. Liz cried out and buckled her hips, grasping Kris’ arm. “Oh, that’s so good. Please don’t stop.” Liz’ voice broke off. “You’re gonna make me come. Mmmm… I can’t… I can’t hold it back much longer.” Liz mumbled while her whole body shivered in excitement. Kris pulled her fingers all the way out before she thrust them deep into Liz again, this time moving them in small circles inside her as her thumb grazed across her clit for each circle. She felt Liz harden and continued to kiss and suck gently on her nipple while her fingers thrust faster and faster inside her. As her thumb stroked across her clit she could feel Liz tremble and heard the moaning uncontrollably heighten in pitch before Liz finally cried out ecstatically, pulling Kris in with each push. Kris continued to thrust into Liz and rubbed her clit until Liz whimpered in her arms and begged her to stop, “I can’t take it any longer. You’ve ruined me, in the best way possible.” Liz sighed happily.

  “That was incredibly good. You’re truly amazing you know”. Liz lay exhausted and smiled beautifully up at Kris, who felt like the luckiest girl on the planet at the moment.

  Kris rested next to Liz, laying her head down on her chest and sighing contently. “How was your day?”

  Liz laughed lightly and smilingly kissed the top of Kris’ head while stroking circles on her back with her fingertips. “This was the best moment of my day, by far. I really want to make you as content as I am right now, but I’m just so incredibly tired. Just give me a moment to recuperate, okay?”

  Kris tilted her head upwards until she looked straight into Liz’ beautiful stark blue eyes, sparkling back at her. “I’m incredibly content right now. Laying here with you in my arms and forgetting the rest of the world is exactly what I wanted to do right now. Let’s just go to sleep and rest, okay? That’s all I need, I promise” Kris brought her arm up to Liz’ chin and stroked her gently across the jaw with her thumb before Liz leaned down and kissed her softly. “I love you” Liz raised herself gently and looked deep into Kris’ eyes. But Kris didn’t look back, her gaze had disappeared somewhere distant. Liz felt a cold shiver rattle through her and she raised herself away from Kris. She peered once more down at Kris, hoping for a reaction, but Kris had closed herself off. Why does she do this?? Why can’t she just let herself love?! Liz felt her heart ache as the old wounds broke apart and pulled at her, pulled her down. “Hey… Where’d you go?” Liz grasped Kris’ chin and turned her head toward her, staring intently into Kris’ eyes until Kris blinked and locked eye contact again. “I’m here. I was always here, don’t worry. But let’s just get some sleep okay?” Kris patted Liz gently on the back, like a friendly gesture, and Liz felt her heart break apart. She suddenly felt very naked and exposed. Liz quickly went below the blanket and pulled it all the way up to her chin. “Yeah, let’s just get some sleep.” Liz turned away from Kris and stared into the ceiling, willing the pain to disappear and her heart to grow strong again. Maybe I can love enough for the both of us…

  Chapter 20

  Kris wiped the sweat off her forehead and picked up the pace while breathing heavily. She jogged onwards through the sunny streets while she fisted her hands and struck out into the empty air ahead of her, air boxing while she pushed through. You’re an idiot, but then again you always have been. Why do you always do this? Why do you act like an idiot? Kris questioned herself while she angrily ran hard and tried to sweat out her frustrations. This was her typical behavior. Whenever she got close to someone she would push them away. What’s my reason this time? Why can’t I recognize how good I have it? She asked herself questions she did not have the answer to, and instead of trying to muster up a reply she just struck out in the empty air with another series of hard punches. Sweat trickled down her back moistening her shirt and the light late afternoon breeze felt good as it slowly dried her off. She turned around the following corner and began on the difficult road back to the place where she would eventually have to face her demons, and later tonight face Liz somehow.

  Liz and Katie walked back toward the dorm rooms, swinging their badminton racquets along themselves. “Just a few more hours now, then we’ll be splurging on delicious barbeque ribs, together with a cold beer” Katie smiled dreamily toward Liz.

  “It feels really good to finally be done with the exams! I just hope what we delivered will be good enough to pass” Liz dropped her shoulders in a nervous worry. Katie squeezed them gently. “Don’t worry, I have a good feeling about both of us. Plus, they don’t really want to fail anyone over the summer, so I’m pretty sure everyone will pass somehow, one way or another.” Katie grinned and picked up the pace with a skip in her step.

  The two of them passed by the large green grass fields where equipment was being set up for the big exam barbeque that evening. “Wow, it’s going to be a really big barbeque huh?” Liz stared out across the multiple giant grill buckets. “I need some beer and ribs now” she nodded to herself.

  “Your need for beers now, is it just the exam celebration or something else…?” Katie carefully enquired. Liz looked quickly up at her before averting her eyes and continuing the walk back to the dorms. “Mostly just the exams, but I just can’t get over that I told Kris last night that I loved her, and she didn’t tell it back”. Katie looked surprised. “You saw Kris last night?” Liz smiled. “Oh yes, completely forgot to tell that. Kris had totally taken over my bedroom, with candles everywhere and roses on the bed.” Liz grinned from ear to ear. “It was super sweet and romantic, a fantastic gesture, and just what I needed. But then…” Liz’ voice trailed off.

  Katie paused and turned to face Liz. She smiled warmly toward her. “That sounds wonderful though. I’m actually a bit jealous. I never would’ve thought her to be the romantic type. But you said you told her you loved her and she didn’t say it back?” Katie looked over at Liz questioningly.

  “Yeah, at the end of the evening I felt the mood was right to say it finally, it felt right too. But the second I said it she disappeared, mentally, somewhere. She just zoned out. I don’t know if was a defense mechanism or what, but it hurt. Does that mean she doesn’t share the same feelings, or was it just bad timing? I don’t know, I’m not sure I’ll ever know with her, she’s so cryptic. I’m not sure I need cryptic like that. But on the other hand, what choice do I have?” Liz shrugged her shoulders. “I’ve already fallen for her, not much I can do about that now.” Liz’ eyes turned a melancholic shade of dark blue and she looked down.

  �
��I’m not sure I can give you any answers hon. But I do agree that I think you’ve already given your heart away, now I just sincerely hope that she has the decency to either take care of it as best she can or give it back, in one piece.” Katie’s voice was firm and strict and she looked serious in her stiff posture. “If she doesn’t, she’ll hear from me!” Katie pointed her finger our in the air, toward the imaginative Kris in the horizon. Liz smiled at her friend. “Calm your horses, let’s not go to battle quite yet. Let me see what happens after I talk a bit with Kris, okay?” she gently padded Katie’s shoulders and the two of them walked up the stairs toward their dorm rooms.

  Just as Kris jogged back in toward the security gate, she saw the last person on earth she expected in this location. He wore skinny black jeans and a worn down black leather jacket. He had his hands stuck in his pockets and looked like he’d rather be any place but here. As she slowly approached him, he raised his eyes and a smile appeared in them, far away behind a curtain of hurt and sorrow. “Hey! What are you doing here? Did you come just now? With the bike or?” Kris had too many questions and didn’t know quite what to begin with.

  Her brother Dean nodded his head in the direction of an old school 1950s naked motorcycle, which stood on the guest parking lot. “I just couldn’t be up there any longer. I needed a break. So I thought I might as well see what you’re up to down here, and what this space school is all about.” Dean smiled over at his sister and walked over to give her a quick hug. “Damn, you stink. You better go shower” he pushed her playfully away before he poked into her side and ran laughing away. Kris smacked his head and ran after him.