Courage to follow your heart

by Christina Aas

  Chapter 21

  The twelve rental cars stood lined up on the parking lot in front of the crowd of eagerly excited students. It was a bright sunny day with hardly any clouds on the sky above and a mild breeze in the air, perfect conditions for skydiving. Kris carried her notepad and the plastic binder with all the necessary paperwork, while she stepped up in front of the crowd. “Everyone ready?” The crowd cheered loudly and clapped. “Good to hear. So, the plan is that the twelve drivers step up to me to get the maps we’ve printed out with the route down to the skydiving place. Then we drive in a long column after each other on the highway. It’ll take about an hour or so. When we’re there we first have to register at the office and sign some security forms, before we’re ready to jump. Each one of you will do a tandem jump, tied to an experienced instructor.” Kris looked around at the big crowd of students. “So don’t worry, it’s going to be a good day today. We’re gonna skydive!” she raised her fist in the air and the crowd cheered in unison.

  The drivers stepped up to Kris in a half circle. Hunter shot Kris a cautious glance while she stepped into the circle. Kris gave them the necessary driving instructions and handed out the leaflet containing the map and address. Just as the circle was braking up, Hunter stepped up to Kris. “I’m sorry for any troubles. I hope it’s all in the past, huh? Friends, right?” she held out her hand. Kris narrowed her brows and looked her over, before she finally smiled and grabbed Hunter’s hand to shake it. She padded her friendly on her back. “Sure, friends. No worries.” She waved her hand around at the large happy crowd. “It’s gonna be a heck of day today” she grinned widely. Hunter returned the smile and nodded in agreement. “A good day for diving!”

  Dean stepped up behind Kris. “Wasn’t that the girl who pissed you off the other day when she hit on Liz?” he raised his brow at Kris. “I see you’ve matured, huh. Things squared away now?” Kris slapped playfully across the top of his head. “Always the big brother. Don’t worry, things are okay. Today we just enjoy ourselves, it’s flying day!” she grinned and clapped her binder. “You’re gonna follow with?” Dean shook his head. “No, I think I’m just gonna hang out here at campus for a bit. But I’ll look forward to all the pictures and stories this evening” he smiled at her and squeezed her arm, before he walked away.

  Kris hollered at all the drivers to get to their cars, and to gather their passengers. They were taking off.

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  The column of twelve sedans drove after each other down the highway, with Kris driving the last car in the column. Katie was driving the fourth car behind the lead, with Liz, Bryan, Erik and Felicia as passengers. They had been chitchatting about the perfect weather and sharing their enthusiasm on the road. It was only about twenty minutes more, then they would have the experience of a lifetime. “You guys nervous?” Katie asked while she peered in the rearview mirror to the group sitting in the backseat. Erik quickly shook his head fiercely. “Nope, of course not! Just real eager to get down there to get jumping already!” Katie laughed and winked at Bryan through the mirror. “Do you share his eagerness to dive out of an aircraft at five kilometer altitude Bryan?” Bryan winced before he quickly averted his eyes out the window. “Sure, it’ll probably be fun.” He didn’t sound very enthusiastic, so Felicia gently padded his thigh and laughed. “Don’t worry, I’m sure they do this all the time and we’ve never read about anything going wrong, so I think we should be safe enough. They’re experts after all.” Bryan rolled his eyes before he huffed. “Sure, no worries.” Katie looked sideways over to Liz. “What about you, you’ve been awfully quiet so far hon? You okay?”

  Liz had stared out the window for the majority of the drive so far. She kept replaying that last kiss with Kris, in front of everyone. She wondered if anyone had actually seen it, and what they thought of her now. Did they despise her, and just hid it really well? Since the kiss, Liz hadn’t really felt like speaking with Kris. She needed to collect her thoughts and better understand what all this was doing to her, and her heart. She had been supposed to ride with Kris, but last minute changed her mind this morning and joined Katie’s car instead.

  Liz turned her head slowly back toward Katie, and noticed her relaxed posture, easy grip low on the wheel and wide smile – the happy look suited her well. Liz smiled at her best friend and swallowed down her own grim feelings. “I’m fine, just thinking about some stuff. But I look forward to the skydiving. After all, we’ve been planning this event for weeks now.” Katie lowered her voice and leaned slightly across the gear stick. “Are you worried about the kiss with Kris yesterday?” Liz quickly lowered her eyes. Damn, she knows me too well. Liz licked her lower lip and slowly rose her head to meet Katie’s curious gaze. She replied in a hushed tone of voice. “Just wondering if anyone saw it, and what they might feel about me now that they know the truth.” She frowned and her eyes glazed over when she relaxed her focus to some place in the far distant.

  Suddenly, Erik’s voice broke through the silence. “Don’t worry honey, we still love ya, even if you’re a lesbo” he laughed heartily. “Just kidding.” He stopped laughing and continued with a serious tone of voice. “Of course we don’t mind. You’re still you, right? We love who we love, nobody controls that.” He leaned forward in his seat and reached his arm over to squeeze the top of her shoulder. “I’m sorry if I acted like an idiot previously. It was just my ignorance speaking, you should ignore it, like I do.” He lowered his arm and swallowed, before he drew his other arm through his hair and continued. “Actually, my brother’s gay. I’ve been embarrassed to admit it, I’m not quite sure why. I think I’m still struggling to come to terms with it, as he just came out a month before I left for this summer program. And he was always such a flirt with the ladies. It really came as a huge shock and surprise.” Erik leaned back in his seat and shrugged his shoulders.

  Liz turned to face him with a soft expression. “Actually, it’s often the people we suspect the least who turn out to be gay. I think it’s pretty normal to need some time to digest it. I’ve surely needed some time myself. It’s a complete rewrite of my entire identity. Everything I thought I knew about myself changed.” Felicia turned to look at Liz while twisting her hands in her lap. “What do you mean?” Felicia was unusually careful when she spoke. “I started examining my life and looking back at previous events with a new view on them, and I realized that the signs had always been there. I had just continuously ignored them. Actually, in some ways it’s fun, but in other ways it’s kind of tragic. I wonder what my life would have been like had I dared to face this side of myself earlier.” Liz curled her lips and shrugged her cheeks. Just as Katie turned toward Liz to ask her how she felt now, the group heard a loud wrecking sound straight ahead and as they all turned to see what was going on, darkness streaked with orange and red surrounded them.

  Kris twisted the knob of the car radio to switch the station. She was fed up with pop music, she needed some darker beats. Her passengers; a Chinese, two Japanese and a Brazilian didn’t seem to mind. They were all looking out the window at the passing scenery of small towns, lonely cedar trees and the sporadic gas stations. Just as Kris had turned up the volume a notch to better hear the Band of Skulls hit blasting out the stereo car speakers, she heard a loud crashing noise ahead of her. She quickly raised her head and stretched her neck to see what was going on. Her heart raised and she noticed her hands began to shake. “What that was?” the Japanese student in the backseat looked worried toward Kris in the rearview mirror. “I’m not quite sure yet, I can’t see anything.” Suddenly, Kris had to swivel the car harshly to the left as the cars ahead of her came to an abrupt halt. She pressed her foot all the way down on the break as hard as she could, but it still seemed as if the car kept moving forward full speed. In reality, it was slowing down, just not fast enough. Kris twisted the wheel while sweat broke out on her forehead. She gripped the steering wheel so hard her knuckles turned bright white. The three guys in the backseat held on to the arm rests and s
eatback while the forces of nature gripped the car and shook it sideways, out of the lane toward opposite traffic.

  Finally, the car slowed down and came to a halt, and Kris released a long breath while she relaxed her shoulders. But the moment only lasted a split second before she noticed straight ahead of them a long-haul truck coming full speed. Kris frantically shifted the gear to first and kicked her foot on the gas pedal, forcing it all the way to the floor. The engine coughed and Kris noticed the truck driver hitting his emergency breaks. Kris slapped the wheel and cursed aloud. “Come on you piece of shit, move! Please, just move!” She screamed at the car while the engine revved up. Kris locked eyes with the truck driver and saw the fear in his eyes as they both noticed the inevitable about to happen. Kris released her foot on the gas pedal before once more kicking it all the way down, in one last desperate attempt.

  Finally, the car began rolling and very quickly picked up its pace as the engine accelerated from zero to hundred. Kris twisted the car off the lane and into the ditch, just seconds before the massive long-haul raced past them with screaming breaks and a terrified driver. The four students in the car yelled. “We almost got killed!” “What the heck just happened?” “Why? What?” Kris just sat still, gripping the steering wheel and staring ahead at the disaster unfolding in front of her eyes.

  Metal was twisted in every direction, smoke rose from several of the vehicles, and cars were turned upside down. But the absolute worst were the screams. The intense screams of pain and horror were unbearable. Kris felt a stab in her heart every time she heard another cry for help and a uttering of the terror they all experienced. What just happened? Kris couldn’t believe her own eyes, while she sat there trying to gather herself. Suddenly she gasped loudly and all the air was struck out of her. Liz was with Katie, they were the fourth car. Kris opened her eyes wide and with panic grasped the door handle to get out of the vehicle as quickly as possible.

  Kris almost fell when she stepped into the mud filling the ditch the car was standing in. But she pushed off from the car and jumped up on the highway lane again. She paused for a second and looked around her. All the other eleven rental cars were in a messy heap of crashed metal and burning rubber. In front of the pile there was a large truck facing the opposite direction. It looked like it had skidded off into the wrong lane and hit head-on with the column of student cars. Kris felt her heart ache fiercely when she thought of all the students sitting in those cars. Where is she??

  Kris ran forward along the column of crashed cars, panting from her quick spring. The smoke made everything difficult to see, and she guided herself by the sounds. Emergency vehicle alarms grew louder by the second, drowning the screams and the shattering metal burning. Kris found herself surrounded by blinking red and blue lights while she fought through the lactic acid in her muscles and pushed forward. Her whole body ached and shivered, but a single thought remained. Where is she??

  Finally, Kris found herself at the beginning of the column. There was blood on the street, and she wondered from where and whom. She stepped past the stain and moved toward the vehicles, all piled together. The front glass was shattered, but she could make out the silhouette of two persons sitting inside. Emergency rescue personnel surrounded her, with axes and ropes, moving quickly forward to the vehicles ahead. The men broke the doors loose from the car bodies and cut off the seat belts. The ambulance personnel stepped right behind them, ready with the neck collar and the back board. The team moved quickly and swiftly from person to person. Kris tried desperately to look behind them, to see who they were triaging. The continuous blinking red and blue, mixed with the heavy black smoke, made it difficult to see anything any longer.

  But suddenly Kris noticed a glimpse of a lock of blond hair on the person in the front seat of the third vehicle the rescuers were triaging. She felt her heart race wildly and hammering painfully in her chest. Kris leaned to her side, as if to force all the rescuers away from the scene to allow her a better view. Kris fisted her hands. Please let it be her. Please!

  The men hollered to each other. “Bring the backboard!” She’s bleeding heavily here.” “I have a pulse, but it’s faint.” Kris didn’t know where the sounds came from, it was all terrible all around her. Her whole body shivered while she stood frozen to the ground and watched the horror unfold. Once again she caught a glimpse of blond hair, smeared all over by fiercely red blood. A sharp sting pierced Kris’ heart, and her knees buckled. The ambulance personnel brought the defibrillator up to the blond-haired girl and laid her down on the ground to begin CPR. Kris felt a darkness tightening its grip on her heart.

  Chapter 22

  Kris ran through the hospital entrance and approached the reception desk gasping for air. “Do you have a Liz Skarsgaard here somewhere?” Kris swallowed to catch her breath. “I was told this is where they brought all the victims of the car crash on US 101?”

  The nurse, an old lady in her late fifties with curly communal brown-grey hair, looked up at her across her glasses. She seemed to take her time before she looked down again at her papers. “Let me check in our records. If you could just wait over there in the meanwhile, mam.” Kris was tapping her fingers on the counter, nervously waiting and found it difficult to simply sit down. “Please mam, wait over there. Hospital regulations.” Kris stumbled slowly away from the counter whilst still intently staring at the lady hoping for a quick reply.

  After what seemed like an eternity, the woman called her back over to the counter. “Are you family?” Kris sighed and tiredly responded. “No, but I was part of the accident as well. I was responsible for all the twelve cars involved. If you could please just let me know if Liz is here, I would really appreciate it. Mam.” The night nurse seemed to catch some of the sadness and desperation in her last tone of voice because she took pity in her and finally disclosed the crucial information. “You can find her in room 109 in the Intensive Care Unit. But please take care not to disturb the personnel looking after her, and wait outside until called upon. You may proceed that way.” The older woman pointed in the direction of a long orange hallway. Kris barely had time to nod a thankful greeting at the nurse before she turned abruptly on her heel and stormed off in the direction the nurse had pointed out.

  Kris ran off toward the unknown, a tight knot in her stomach and fists clenched. When she turned the last corner, she heard alarms ringing and saw several nurses and doctors running ahead of her. As she approached she saw they all entered into room 109… She felt ice cold sweat forming in her palms and it was as if an invisible hand grasped around her throat and tightened its grip until the world went blank and numbness spread throughout her body. It felt as if a knife stabbed her repeatedly in her chest and she had to grab at the hallway wall to stable herself while dark spots gathered in front of her eyes. “Are you okay?” A nurse stepped up to her. “You look a little pale… Perhaps you should sit down over here” she pointed to the row of benches just next to them. “No… I just… need to… get into… room 109.” Kris stared past her at the room with the blinking lamps and the hollering sirens.

  As Kris peered in through the door there was a chaos of voices shouting orders in different directions simultaneously. Beneath a set of five or six white gowned hands she saw a figure with long blond strands, laying sprawled out on the table, hands lifeless at the sides. Terror once again gripped its claws around her heart. Her knees buckled and Kris stopped abruptly in her path, staring straight ahead, breathlessly taking in the enormity of the scene in front of her. She later thought back to this precise moment and found it curious that the concept of time can be such a relative subject. During the summer school activities, she had thought that time passed by too quickly. But as she stood in the middle of the emergency room looking at the frail figure of Liz listening to the blur of orders in motion, the seconds of the hour crawled infinitively slowly past her, almost as if mocking her in their journey, seemingly in no hurry at all. Kris continuously clenched and unclenched her fists while grinding her tee
th, staring ahead at Liz for any sign of life underneath the hands of the emergency personnel. Nurses and doctors bumped into her on their various ways around the equipment, but she sensed nothing.

  Finally, the alarms stopped beeping loudly. The clock seemed to come alive again and the seconds ticked swiftly away. The blur of motion was slowly stilled to a background buzz and equipment was rolled away while white gowned hands left out the door. Someone patted her shoulder and she assumed it was an attempt at compassion, but Kris barely sensed it while she kept her eyes straight ahead at the figure of Liz lying still in the gradually quieting emergency room.

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  Dean felt his cell phone vibrate in his pocket. He lifted it up and looked at the blinking display. It was Kris. But wasn’t she supposed to be up in the air now?

  “Hey sis, what’s up? Aren’t you supposed to be flying high now, huh? What happened, you chickened out?” Dean laughed, but he quickly stopped laughing. His whole body stiffened and he placed his hand at the lunch table in the cafeteria before he slowly sat down on the bench. “Wait a minute, what?” He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. But the fear in his sister’s voice was unmistakable. He had never heard her like this before. “I’m coming, straight away. Just stay put, okay?”

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  Dean stepped in through the hospital door to find Kris standing in the waiting room, gripping her phone tightly, her knuckles white from their tension. Dean walked slowly toward her. Kris shot him a brief glance, and the look of terror in her eyes made Dean halt in his step and swallow deeply. He suddenly felt chilly and embraced himself. He continued over to his sister and laid his hand on her back to comfort her, but she shook him off. She was angry, he could sense it. She’s pissed at the world now, and I don’t blame her. This is too much for one person.