by Bible, Jake
“Nah,” Elsbeth says. “They can’t fight for shit.”
“Barfly was doing pretty well against you,” Charlie says. Elsbeth slowly turns her head and gives him a look I’m glad she’s not giving me. “Uh, but you would have, well, taken him down, I’m sure.”
“The radio is right there,” Lourdes says as she points to the CB on the dash. “You get on that and holler if there’s any trouble.”
“Do we get guns?” Greta asks.
“Do you want guns?” Lourdes counters.
“No,” Stella says. “Not right now. We’re all a little jumpy and I don’t want one accidentally going off.”
“I’m not jumpy,” Greta says.
“Yeah, right,” Charlie laughs.
“Shut up!” Greta snaps.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” I snarl. “Not now!”
“Kids, bro,” Elsbeth smirks.
“Ugh, please don’t say bro,” I say. “I never want to hear that word again.”
“You guys keep tight and stay here,” Lourdes says. “Don’t kill each other.”
“No promises,” I smile.
“No promises,” Elsbeth echoes. I drop my smile. “Kidding, Long Pork. Chill, bro.”
“El, come on,” I plead.
“Bro, bro, bro, bro, bro,” Elsbeth laughs.
“Right. Good luck,” Lourdes laughs then takes off.
We watch as she and her people, as well as Buzz and the others jog down the road, disappearing into the woods on either side, after Lourdes gives several hand signals and calls out the plan.
“What happened to you?” Greta asks Elsbeth after a few minutes.
“Got caught,” Elsbeth shrugs. “It happens.”
“The last we saw you, you had run into the horde of Zs to distract them for us,” Stella says. “How’d you get from there to being Barfly’s captive?”
“I wasn’t his captive,” Elsbeth says. “It took me a while to fight off the Zs and get away. I went looking for you Stanfords, but you were gone. I looked and looked and then I wasn’t in the city anymore.”
We wait for a minute, but she doesn’t continue.
“Is that when he captured you?” Greta asks.
“He didn’t capture me,” Elsbeth responds. “I said that. You aren’t listening to me.”
“Then why’d you...” Greta pushes.
“I need to pee,” Elsbeth says suddenly and opens the door. She hops out of the Humvee, but doesn’t look back at us. “Stay here. Don’t leave. I’ll be right back.”
She hurries into the woods and we all stare after her.
“Well...?” Stella asks and I turn to see my family staring at me and not the woods.
“Well, what?” I reply.
“Aren’t you going to go after her?” Stella asks.
“She’s going to pee,” I exclaim. “I think she can handle it on her own.”
“Dad, she’s not going pee,” Greta says. “She’s evading us.”
“Well, we are giving her the third degree,” I say.
“Jace...” Stella says. And that’s all she has to say.
“Fine, I’ll go see what’s up,” I sigh. “If I’m not back in fifteen minutes that means she killed me. Run for your lives.”
“Ha ha,” Stella frowns. “Now go.”
I open the door and climb out of the Humvee. I look behind us and see one of the drivers watching me. I give him a thumbs up and he returns it as I duck into the woods.
“El?” I call out. “El? You there?”
There isn’t much of a moon because of cloud cover and I quickly realize that a flashlight would have been a good idea. She can’t have gone too far, right?
“El?” No response.
I stumble my way through the dark woods, getting plenty of thorn scratches for my trouble because apparently Tennessee has thorny bushes too. Mother fucking thorny bushes.
“El?” Still no response.
That’s not good.
I think I hear a twig snap and spin about, but there’s no one there. Great, I’m stumbling about in creepy woods. Awesome.
One step at a time is how I go through the dark woods until I realize I’m probably going to get my ass lost more than I’m going to find Elsbeth, so I turn around to head back.
That’s when I see them, standing right there in front of me with their dog heads and freaky brown painted bodies. It may be dark, but I can see well enough to know I have a bit of a Jackal problem.
“Long pork,” one of them says.
“That’s my name,” I reply.
“What?”
“My name.”
“Your name is what?”
“Long Pork,” I say.
“Yeah, that’s what you are,” the voice replies.
“I know, I just said that,” I say. “So did you. That’s why I said that’s my name. They call me Long Pork.”
“Who calls you that?”
“Well, almost everybody,” I sigh. “It really does suck. Barfly even called me that, which I was not fond of. I’d actually appreciate it if you call me something else.”
“I didn’t call you that because it’s your name,” the voice says. “I called you that because that’s what you are: long pork. Meat.”
“Oh, I see,” I laugh. “You actually meant the literal definition of long pork. You weren’t calling me by my nickname at all. My bad, guys. Sorry about that.” I chuckle hard. “Glad we cleared that up. I’ve got to go tell my wife. She’ll think this was funny.”
My way is blocked instantly as they surround me. Brown bodies and dead dog heads. Not going to have nightmares of this fucking image. Nah.
“So...you guys on your way to see Barfly?” I ask. “The camp is back that way, in case you need directions. I’d show you, but I’m supposed to stay close to the Humvees.”
“Humvees? What Humvees?” the voice asks.
“The ones back on the road,” I say. “You guys must have seen them when you walked this way.”
“We don’t use the road,” the voice replies. “We’re Jackals, we stay to the trees; we hunt with nature.”
“Oh, sure, of course,” I say. “But aren’t jackals more scavengers than hunters? I’d think you guys are more about the leftovers than the fresh kill. Is that why you’re going to see Barfly?”
“Barfly is dead,” the voice says. “We watched it happen. Now we go and take what was his and make it ours.”
“So you are scavengers,” I reply. “Way to embrace the ethos.”
“Tells us about these Humvees,” the voice orders. “Why are there Humvees?”
“Because soldiers, or I guess, private military contractors, like to travel in Humvees,” I answer. “It’s how they roll. Literally. Speaking of, I really need to get back.”
“Mickey? Carlito? Go check the Humvees,” the voice commands. “If they are takable, then take them. Kill anyone you find. We need the meat.”
“Hold on now!” I exclaim. “My family is back there and I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t kill them, thank you!”
“You killed my mother,” the voice snarls. “Only fair to kill your family.”
“You are Bungee Betty’s son?” I ask.
“Daughter!” the voice growls.
“Sorry, sorry,” I apologize quickly. “It’s hard to tell since you’re talking through a fucking German Shepherd’s severed head!”
“It’s a Husky, not a German Shepherd,” someone else says.
“Whatever the fuck it is, don’t go kill my family!” I shout. “STELLA! KIDS! RUN!”
Something clubs me in the back of my head and I fall to my knees.
“Ah, fuck,” I whisper as I reach back and feel the thick blood start to flow down my neck. “I’m so sick of this shit.”
“Pick him up,” Husky Woman says. “Bring him with. He can watch as we carve up his people. You have a son, right? Yeah, you have a son. He pulled the trigger.”
I can kinda make out a nasty looking dog head shoved into my f
ace, but my head is swimming from the blow and I’m not sure. Who fucking knows anymore?
“You awake, Long Pork?” Husky Woman asks. “I want to make sure you are awake as I slice off your son’s balls. I really want you to be awake when I feed those balls to you.”
“Gonna pass,” I grunt.
“Get him up.”
I’m yanked to my feet and dragged through the woods. Yet, surprisingly I don’t get nailed by the thorny bushes. What the fuck? Anytime I walk by myself, it’s like the fuckers jump out and grab me, but when I’m being held up by two people, they part like the fucking Red Sea. Fucking thorny bushes.
A hard slap brings me out of my thoughts and I’m thrown to the ground by the side of the road right next to the Humvees.
“I see trucks, but I don’t see people,” Husky Woman snaps. “Where are your people?”
“How the fuck should I know?” I shout. “I’ve been in the woods with you cannibal fucks! Maybe everyone needed to take a piss.”
“I’m the only one that needed to piss,” Elsbeth says as she stands on top of Lourdes’s Humvee. “Everyone else ran.”
“Where’d they run to?” Husky Woman asks as she jumps back and looks up.
My head is screaming and my vision is blurry, but I can see that Elsbeth is holding something. Two somethings, actually.
“They ran down the road,” Elsbeth says. “I told the soldiers to get my family to a safe place. That’s where they’re running to.”
“There’s no safe place here for you mother fuckers!” Husky Woman shouts. “You can run and run and run and we will catch you! We will track you forever! You don’t come to Cannibal Road, kill one of our gangs, and expect to just walk away!”
“No one is walking,” Elsbeth laughs. “They’re running. We’ve already talked about the running. Long Pork? Is this woman stupid?”
“Yes. Yes, she is,” I answer. I wait for the blow, but no one hits me for the remark. Small miracles and all that shit.
“If she can’t understand me, she must have gone cuckoo crazy when you were talking to her,” Elsbeth says, still laughing. “Doesn’t he drive you nuts when he talks?”
“Are you talking to me or the Husky?” I ask.
“I’m talking to the Husky.”
“Right, of course.”
“Get down from there and we may let you live,” Husky Woman says. “You weren’t there when they killed my mother. Sparing you will be my good deed.”
“Oh, that’s a problem,” Elsbeth says, “because, as they say, no good deed goes unpunished.”
“You totally nailed that one, El,” I snort. “Brilliant come back.”
“Thanks, Long Pork,” Elsbeth replies. “I’m learning from you.”
“And you are doing a fine job at-.”
“SHUT UP!” Husky Woman roars. “No more talking! Come down off that Humvee or I send my people up to get you!”
“Like you sent these people?” Elsbeth asks. She tosses what she has in her hands and the Jackals jump back.
Hey, look! El found Mickey and Carlito!
The two severed heads roll to a stop right by me and I nudge one of them away with my knee.
“You fucking cunt,” Husky Woman snarls. “No good deeds for you.”
“Yeah, I know,” Elsbeth says as she jumps down from the Humvee.
She may not have her blades in hand, but she found some seriously wicked looking combat knives. All eyes go to the knives and the blood dripping off them.
“Kill her,” Husky Woman says.
At my count, there are about ten Jackals standing on the side of the road. That number drops by two, then by four then by six as the morons go after a woman that obviously just cut off their friends’ heads with the same knives she’s using to kill the fuck out of them. Fucking morons.
You’d think being cautious would be part of the plan when coming across a woman like Elsbeth. I mean, it’s not like they didn’t have warning. They saw what she could do back at that meadow.
Oh, wait...no they didn’t. For once, Elsbeth was getting her ass handed to her. They didn’t see her beat Barfly. They saw his head get blown open by John’s bullet.
Well, no wonder they’re dying like morons. My bad.
Elsbeth dodges a baseball bat then jumps, planting a foot on the back tire of the Humvee. She pushes off and soars into the air, her hands slashing this way and that. It’s like watching a big cat in full kill mode. Every single molecule of her is focused on her prey and not one ounce of energy is wasted.
A man screams, a woman gurgles and two more are gone, falling into pools of their own blood. That leaves two Jackals and Husky Woman to take on Elsbeth. Yeah, good luck with that.
The two Jackals look to Husky Woman and even with dog heads on, I can see the fear in their eyes.
“Fuck this shit,” one of them says. He turns and runs, but only makes it a couple of steps before one of Elsbeth’s knives lands between his shoulder blades.
“He was trying to get away!” the last man shouts. “You can’t kill a person that is trying to-.”
His throat is slashed completely open just above his collarbones. His hands go to the river of blood that is pouring out of him as he falls to his knees. There are some choking sounds, but it’s all over so fast that the guy doesn’t really have time to make a strong statement about his death.
I hope I get the last word when I die.
Which could be right now as a blade is pressed to my own throat.
“You move and he dies!” Husky Woman yells.
“Then kill him,” Elsbeth says. “Then I kill you.”
I’m pulled to my feet and all the blood races to my head and I cry out. Head rush! My vision is nothing but black spots and motes of light. My hearing is a deafening thrum. The world is lost to me.
I’m jostled this way and that. The blade is to my throat, then gone, and then back then gone. Through the pounding of blood in my head and ears, I hear some shouts, a few grunts, and a final, last pained scream.
My legs hold and I know I’m not dead because I can feel a slight breeze drying the blood on the back of my head. I try to focus my eyes, but I am totally blind and see nothing but red.
Until Elsbeth wipes the blood from my eyes.
“Oh, hey, there you are,” I smile. “You kill her?”
“All over you,” she replies. “Sorry.”
“So, not my blood in my eyes?” I ask.
“Not your blood in your eyes,” Elsbeth replies as she continues to clean my face.
“I’m going to ignore the ick factor and just say thanks,” I say.
“You’re welcome, Long Pork,” Elsbeth grins. “It’s what I do.”
“And you do it so well,” I sigh. She finishes cleaning me and I look around. “Where did everyone go, anyway? Did you really tell them to run?”
“Yep. I sent them towards the camp when I saw the cannies go after you,” Elsbeth says. “The soldiers wanted to argue, but Stella changed their minds.”
“Yeah, I bet she did. I can only- Hey! What do you mean when you saw the cannies going after me? You let them get me?”
“I had to save Stella and the kids,” Elsbeth replies. “Priorities.”
“Fair enough,” I say. “And thank you for that, but they could have killed me.”
“Nah. I knew I had time,” she shrugs. “You talk so fucking much.”
“They whacked the fuck out of my head, though,” I say as I feel the huge lump forming on the back of my skull. “That could have killed me right there.”
She just shrugs again.
“Right, but I didn’t die so it’s all good.” I stumble a little and she helps me over to the Humvee. “Ooh, sitting is good.”
“Jace!” Stella yells as she comes running up the road followed by several PCs. “You’re alive!”
“Yippee,” I say and twirl my fingers. “Jace Stanford dodges another bullet.”
“They didn’t have bullets, stupid,” Elsbeth says.
&nb
sp; “Yes, I know they didn’t literally have... Oh, you’re fucking with me.”
“Totally fucking with your shit,” Elsbeth smiles as she slaps me on the shoulder. “You just got shit fucked, Long Pork.”
“Yeah, I think we need to talk about the proper use of that phrase,” I say just before Stella wraps herself about me. “But that’ll have to be later.”
My wife pretty much loses her shit and I hold her as she sobs and sobs. If my head didn’t hurt so much I’d probably sob with her, but instead I just keep my arms about her as tight as I can and let her work it out.
“Better?” I ask when she finally quiets.
“Better,” she sniffs.
“Where are the kids?”
“Back at the camp helping with the other prisoners,” Stella replies. “A lot of our people were in the other barn. They found Stuart, Dr. McCormick, Melissa, even Boyd.”
“Who?” I ask.
“Boyd,” Stella says. “You know Boyd.”
“Yeah,” Elsbeth says. “Everyone knows Boyd.”
“I don’t know Boyd,” I say. “Who the fuck is Boyd?”
“They must have really hit you,” Stella says. “Let’s get you to the camp. We’re staying there tonight while we inventory their supplies. We’ll rendezvous with the rest at the factory tomorrow.”
“The factory? Boyd? I’m so confused,” I whine.
“Just sit tight and you can rest after Dr. McCormick checks you out,” Stella says as she climbs into the Humvee with me.
Elsbeth rides shotgun again while a PC hops into the driver’s seat and starts the engine.
I think I stay awake for exactly point one seconds.
Chapter Ten
The Cookers really didn’t have much in the way of supplies. Lots of handmade melee weapons and a good amount of rainwater stored in barrels, but other than the few bodies packed in salt (they had plenty of salt, which was good), there really wasn’t much. Not even clothes, coats, or anything to keep them warm during the winter. They were truly living a bare bones existence.
No pun intended. You know, because of ‘bare bones’ and I’m talking about cannibals? Right?
