zoegirl:
that’s the stupidest thing i’ve ever heard.
mad maddie:
why, cuz ur scared?
zoegirl:
no, because it’s *stupid*
mad maddie:
that proves it—ur a chickenshit!
Tues, Jan 18, 6:55 PM E.S.T.
mad maddie:
hey, a. i totally called zoe on her bullshit! it was hilarious.
SnowAngel:
it was? what’d u do?
mad maddie:
i dared her to tell someone to shut the hell up. can u imagine those words ever coming out of zoe’s mouth?
mad maddie:
i was like, “see! u criticize me for being willing to take risks, but isn’t that better than being the perpetual good girl, locked in your land of repression?”
SnowAngel:
whatever, mads. u sound a little wacko to me.
mad maddie:
nah, i’m just gloating. u should have heard how defensive she got—hahahahaha!
SnowAngel:
u shouldn’t gloat about your friends. u should love them. and when they’re feeling defensive, or left out, or just lonely, then u should do whatever u can to make them feel better. u should only want what’s best for them!
mad maddie:
huh?
mad maddie:
well, this IS what’s best for her—to realize she’s flawed just like the rest of us.
mad maddie:
and now, off for a celebratory glass of nestle quik. l8rs!
Wed, Jan 19, 5:05 PM E.S.T.
zoegirl:
ok, mads, i did it. are you happy?
mad maddie:
u did what?
mad maddie:
no u didn’t. ur lying.
zoegirl:
i’m not. i told chase dickinson to shut the hell up!
mad maddie:
bullshit!
zoegirl:
he was talking to kurt manheim in french about all kinds of disgusting stuff, that’s what started it. he was all, “my rep’s getting pathetic because i haven’t had sex in over a month,” and “that’s why i need a girlfriend, someone older who can teach me stuff. someone who’ll give me head.”
mad maddie:
he said all this in french?
zoegirl:
not *in* french, as in parlez-vous francais. but right there in the middle of class, yeah. he sits behind me.
mad maddie:
he’s such a scuz. no way ANY girl would have sex with him.
zoegirl:
so kurt said, “dude, you’re crazy,” as in, “people can hear you,” but chase was all, “chill, nobody’s listening.” kurt said, “what about her?” meaning me. chase laughed and said, “zoe? she doesn’t even know what ‘giving head’ means.” then he poked me in the back and goes, “do you, zoe? do you know what ‘giving head’ means?”
mad maddie:
what a dick
zoegirl:
so i turned around and looked him dead in the eye and said, “shut the hell up, chase.”
zoegirl:
i really really did it!!!!!
mad maddie:
whoa! nice work, zo!
zoegirl:
i know!!!
mad maddie:
altho it’s kinda pathetic that u see this as a big deal. any other girl would say that to him as a matter of course.
zoegirl:
i took your dare, simple as that. don’t go downplaying it now.
mad maddie:
no, it’s great. really.
zoegirl:
doug said so too. he was very proud of me.
mad maddie:
how r things going with ol’ dougie?
zoegirl:
just fine, thanks very much. we went out for coffee after school, although actually we had mexican hot chocolate. have u ever tried?
mad maddie:
too cinnamony for me. in a bad way.
zoegirl:
i thought it was delicious. and doug and i had an awesome conversation, which was even better.
zoegirl:
i *really* like him maddie.
mad maddie:
didn’t u already *really* like him?
zoegirl:
but now i like him even more. the physical stuff is still … a little tricky, but everything else is perfect. plus it’s such a relief to like someone normal again, someone i’m allowed to like.
mad maddie:
as opposed to mr. h?
zoegirl:
as opposed to mr. h.
zoegirl:
i saw mr. h with cameron bryant today. it freaked me out. he was leaning close and smiling at her like he used to smile at me.
mad maddie:
u know what i heard from some senior? that every year mr. h has a “special” female student that he pays a lot of attention to.
mad maddie:
oops, i wasn’t gonna tell you that—but now i did.
zoegirl:
oh
mad maddie:
sick, huh?
zoegirl:
yeah. sick.
mad maddie:
so u should be doubly glad u’ve got doug, that’s all i’m saying.
zoegirl:
right, i am
mad maddie:
and that doug isn’t pervy like mr. h
mad maddie:
or chase dickinson
zoegirl:
you know what else chase said? that he used to have this girl he “hung” with who gave him head for over an hour. is that possible?
mad maddie:
now that’s just silly. blow jobs should not last over 30 minutes.
zoegirl:
ewww!
mad maddie:
ah, zoe, u still have a ways to go!
Thu, Jan 20, 4:04 PM P.S.T.
SnowAngel:
hey, zo. have u ever had wasabi cheese spread? it is sooooo good.
zoegirl:
isn’t wasabi that super-spicy green stuff u get with sushi?
SnowAngel:
yeah, but this is a cheese spread with wasabi in it. it makes my mouth sting, but it’s thoroughly addictive. *swipes last little bit up with cracker and smacks lips*
zoegirl:
mmm, you’re making me hungry
zoegirl:
want to hear something sad? i saw mr. h hitting on cameron bryant—well, sitting really close to her in backwork—and maddie told me that cameron is his “special” student this year.
SnowAngel:
that’s not sad. that’s gross. he needs to go to a sex offenders’ home.
zoegirl:
i know
zoegirl:
but the reason it’s sad is because when maddie told me that, it made *me* feel sad.
SnowAngel:
WHY?
zoegirl:
i don’t know
zoegirl:
because i wanted to be the only one?
SnowAngel:
zoe, no. u r soooooo much better off w/o him.
SnowAngel:
i take it u and maddie r talking again, tho?
zoegirl:
sort of, i guess
zoegirl:
huh. wonder how that happened?
Sat, Jan 22, 8:00 PM E.S.T.
mad maddie:
can’t talk long—meeting chive for a night of wanton indulgence—but DUDE, am i brilliant. i have given zoe the best frickin dare ever.
SnowAngel:
dare? what do u mean, dare?
mad maddie:
it’s just this thing we’re doing. u gave me the idea, actually.
SnowAngel:
i did?
mad maddie:
i gave her the first one last week, and i just gave her the second. it’s frickin genius.
SnowAngel:
what is it?
mad maddie:
can’t tell. top secret. but it�
��s going down tomorrow, on sunday, the day of our lord.
SnowAngel:
it’s “going down”? what r u, a jewel thief?
mad maddie:
please. we’re not stealing anything—in fact, the opposite.
mad maddie:
heh heh heh, it’s so perfect to do it while he’s at church.
SnowAngel:
do WHAT?
mad maddie:
g2g. byeas!
Sat, Jan 22, 5:07 PM P.S.T.
SnowAngel:
zoe, what r u and maddie up to? what’s this “dare” business she’s talking about?
SnowAngel:
zoe!
SnowAngel:
txt me!!!
Sun, Jan 23, 11:23 AM E.S.T.
zoegirl:
oh man, angela. are you up?
SnowAngel:
yes, but only cuz U NEVER TXTED ME LAST NIGHT and i’m dying to know what’s going on!
zoegirl:
omg, i haven’t laughed like that in *forever*. at first i was like, “no, maddie, we can’t!” but we did, and it was totally … purging.
SnowAngel:
will u please explain????
zoegirl:
we plastered bumper stickers all over mr. h’s car while he was at church! we were very sneaky. we were like spies. and we stuck them on with super-glue so they’ll be really really hard to get off!
SnowAngel:
no way! what did they say?
zoegirl:
one said “sticks and stones will break my bones, but whips and chains excite me,” and another said “i’d rather be spanked.”
zoegirl:
also included were “ass pirate,” “i heart llamas,” and, my personal fave, “jesus loves you, but i’m his favorite.”
SnowAngel:
holy cats. he’s gonna die.
zoegirl:
he already did. maddie and i hid at the other end of the parking lot until church let out, and we watched him walk to his car. he was with some friends—including a woman!—and when he saw the bumper stickers, he about had a heart attack. the woman got a pissy look on her face, but his other friends cracked up. it was *supremely* satisfying.
SnowAngel:
i’ll bet
zoegirl:
it was also supremely satisfying to see him try to peel them off. hahaha.
SnowAngel:
right, hahaha. when did u guys decide to do this?
zoegirl:
we didn’t really *decide* anything. maddie dared me to do it, and so i did.
SnowAngel:
how come u didn’t tell me?
zoegirl:
oh. well … i guess it didn’t occur to us.
SnowAngel:
it didn’t OCCUR to u?
zoegirl:
it wasn’t that big a deal.
zoegirl:
wait a second, are you upset?
SnowAngel:
no, of course not. why would i be upset?
zoegirl:
if anything, i thought you’d be glad that maddie and i are doing stuff again.
SnowAngel:
i am, i am
zoegirl:
you want us to be happy, don’t you?
SnowAngel:
i suppose
SnowAngel:
but maybe i don’t want u to be DELIRIOUSLY happy, that’s all.
zoegirl:
oh, angela
SnowAngel:
it IS pretty funny, tho. what u did.
zoegirl:
it would have been even better if you’d been with us—and i’m not just saying that!
Mon, Jan 24, 5:22 PM E.S.T.
mad maddie:
hellooooo, zoe. prepare to face your darkest fears, for i am about to issue the best and most thrilling dare yet. r u ready?
zoegirl:
what? no!
mad maddie:
well, get ready, cuz this is not a dare to be denied. it is the Dare of the Century.
zoegirl:
i hate to break it to you, but i think we should be done with dares.
mad maddie:
done with dares? surely u josh!
zoegirl:
i think we’re making angela feel bad.
mad maddie:
ohhhhh, the old “we’re making angela feel bad” ploy. sorry, charlie, but i’m not letting u off the hook that easily.
mad maddie:
r u ready to hear the dare?
zoegirl:
no
mad maddie:
good, cuz first i need to give u some background information. imagine if u will a brightly lit classroom. it is 6th-period english, and all the students are filing in. but—what’s this? instead of taking a seat, theresa ketchum scowls and drags her desk to the other side of the room. “theresa,” mr. phelps says with a look of confusion, “why r u moving your desk?”
zoegirl:
maddie, i’m serious—no more dares.
zoegirl:
plus, i just realized something: why are *you* the only one giving dares? why don’t i get to give *you* a dare?
mad maddie:
and theresa says, “i’m moving my desk cuz i don’t wanna stare at wendy’s butt. her crack’s peeking out of her jeans.”
mad maddie:
btw, didn’t i point out long ago that low-riders r not for those who r substantially endowed in the buttock area? why yes, i believe i did.
zoegirl:
i don’t know where you’re going with this, but i am not taking any more dares. and i am most definitely not taking any dares that have to do with butt cracks.
mad maddie:
plz. but watching this little slice of life got me thinking: what stresses zoe out more than anything? and my brain answered, “BODIES. bodies stress zoe out more than anything.”
zoegirl:
what? that is so not true!
mad maddie:
so what does zoe need to do? zoe needs to loosen up. yes, that’s right, she needs to overcome her fears of being a woman, with all that being a woman involves. she needs—drumroll, please—to embrace her sexuality!
zoegirl:
no no no no no
mad maddie:
the other dares have been warm-ups. rehearsals, if u will. for it is this ultimate dare that will bring u to the peak of self-awareness.
zoegirl:
good grief, maddie. could u be a little less full of yourself?
mad maddie:
here is your dare: you are to glue two marshmallows to yr shirt—the OUTSIDE of your shirt—at approximate nipple location. then you are to stroll from one end of the mall to the other.
zoegirl:
*maddie*!
zoegirl:
you have lost it. i’m leaving now.
mad maddie:
“the great marshmallow-nipple dare,” i call it.
mad maddie:
is it illegal? nooooo. is it dangerous? nooooo. will ppl stare at u? hmm, they very well might. i would, if i saw some chick prancing along with marshmallows glued to her nipples.
zoegirl:
no way i’m doing that, so just forget it.
mad maddie:
then ur a wimp, and u finally have to admit it.
zoegirl:
wait.
zoegirl:
i told chase dickinson to shut the hell up. i pasted lewd bumper stickers on mr. h’s car. u can *not* tell me i’m a wimp!
mad maddie:
but this one’s the real dare, the dare that’s about U. and if u don’t take it, then u have to admit that ur afraid to live your life fully.
zoegirl:
prancing around with marshmallows on your nipples does *not* constitute living your life fully!
mad maddie:
wimp
zoegirl:
this is so unfair! *no one* would do this dare!
mad maddie:
i would, and u know it.
ma
d maddie:
it’s very simple if u think about it. u just have to get over your inhibitions, which is something u’ve needed to do for a long time.
zoegirl:
you’re doing me a favor, that’s what you’re saying?
mad maddie:
tell ya what, they can be mini-marshmallows.
zoegirl:
gee, thanks
mad maddie:
so?
zoegirl:
noooooooooooooo!
Mon, Jan 24, 5:36 PM E.S.T.
Ttfn Page 17
