“I’ve told you all that sighing is bad for your health,” Shellsea muttered as she stretched her body into another pose.
I ignored her; it wasn’t like I wanted to feel that way.
“You’re just not working hard enough. State of mind is a choice.” Shellsea said as she stretched and balanced on one leg. She had mentioned state of mind being a ‘choice’ before. I started to feel guilt well up in me. Still, the pressing matter of the rent was very real and very serious no matter how I framed it in my mind.
“Times like these make me wonder if I made the right choice,” I said as I looked down at the floor in defeat. “Maybe I should have just sucked it up and gone on a date with ‘Dr. Creeper’. I mean, honestly, what’s the worst that could have happened? At least I’d have rent money in hand now.”
The doctor I was referring to was actually named Dr. Kyle. He was my boss at my last job where I stormed out of the office as I told him how much of a self-righteous pig he was. That’s what led me to opening my new place in the suburbs. I was in a constant state of worry ever since I pulled the trigger and left. I was starting to wonder now if I really made the right decision.
Shellsea took a deep breath and stood in mountain pose. She pressed her hands together and whispered, “Namaste.” Then she turned to look at me, "Working in that toxic environment would have poisoned your soul, Mira.” Her tone was very matter-of-fact.
To me there was only one matter-of-fact thing in my life. And that was the current state of my finances and career. I sighed again and pointedly ignored the look of disapproval Shellsea shot me. She couldn’t seem to understand what it meant to leave a very high-priced, high status physical therapy clinic with benefits and security only to wind up like this.
It wasn’t exactly nice to worry about some fifty-something year old doctor, who happened to be the head of the clinic, propositioning me. But it was great to have the memory of flipping him off as I walked out the door. He had to know he couldn’t get away with pulling that kind of shit. But now I had to worry about making it on my own—not just making the rent and bills, but making it in the field as a private start up with no client base. I had lost every client I had and it was starting to weigh down on me and shake my confidence a bit. None of it was my fault entirely, but I certainly felt like I was the one paying all the consequences.
“You know it’s true,” Shellsea said, finally breaking the silence.
“Yeah, it is, but you know what else is true? That place was doing a bang up job of paying the rent and covering my bills.”
Shellsea looked at me sympathetically, “You'll get new clients, Mira. You’ll get back on your feet. You just need to put that intention out into the world.”
“And that’ll land me a long roster of clients?” I knew there was a bite to my tone of voice, but at that point I was too anxious to care.
Shellsea recoiled a bit, “My, my. That is not the intention you want to put out there, my darling. Rent is important, but how do you expect to solve any problems if you’re just a big ball of nerves?” She placed her hand on her flat stomach and took a deep breath. “Sometimes we just have to give in and wait. And that’s okay. Take me, for example. Jude’s on a kick about cleansing his soul and honoring his body so he’s abstaining from sex for thirty days.” Shellsea paused for another deep breath and then another before going on. “His restraint is admirable, but I'm struggling here. I just have to wait though. He has to do what he has to do.”
My eyebrows shot up as I watched her for a minute. She closed her eyes and took slow deep breaths, hand still flat on her stomach. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I busted into laughter. Shellsea quickly opened her eyes and looked affronted. I covered my face and let out muffled laughter into my hands.
The fact that she was hard up for sex but was trying to deal with it through her healthy lifestyle and good vibes was too funny. Sometimes biology wins over “good vibes” and kombucha tea.
“Why are you laughing?” Shellsea finally snapped and looked away from me. She looked miffed which wasn’t typical for her. I tried not to laugh, thinking I was witnessing the rare spotting of a wild animal in its natural habitat. “You know the body is sacred.” Shellsea said with a huff.
I wanted to joke about Jude honoring Shellsea’s body since it was so sacred, but I didn’t have it in me. “I'll tell that to my clients... You know, if they ever show up.”
Shellsea stood up and stretched before going over to my desk. She sat across from me and reached out to grab my wrists. I glanced down, but wasn’t surprised. This was the sort of thing Shellsea did when she was trying to comfort someone. She stared at me until I met her gaze. We looked into each other’s eyes in silence for a couple moments.
I had a feeling this was supposed to ease my nerves, but I just found it awkward even though it wasn’t the first time she had done it. There was something about direct eye contact that made me feel like I was standing naked on a stage with a million people staring at me. Needless to say, it was hard not to tense up even when Shellsea did it.
“Okay,” she said softly. “Let’s breathe deeply. Chant along with me.”
I pressed my lips into a thin line and held back the urge to giggle. This was at least teetering on the line of ridiculous. I knew my best friend only wanted to lessen my ‘anxious energy’. I knew it would do me well to be a less frazzled person. So I took a deep breath in time with Shellsea and allowed myself to be directed, no matter how close I was to laughing.
I repeated the chants after her before we started to say them together. We sat and chanted for a few more minutes before going silent and sitting still. Then Shellsea drew in one last, long breath and let her hands fall away as her eyes fluttered open.
“See? Not only was that relaxing and great for our connection, now the intention is out there. It’s just a matter of waiting for the universe to answer at this point.”
I could already feel my eyes start to roll and just when I was about to make some snide comment about the universe’s long waiting times—
Ring!
I nearly jumped out of my seat as the loud sound filled the office. I stared at the phone, unable to believe it really worked. I took a moment to chastise myself inside my head for being so doubtful. Then I reached forward and grabbed the phone. I pulled it up to my ear and saw Shellsea smiling at me with smug satisfaction.
My eyes went squinty as I shot her a warning expression. She mouthed the words, “I told you so.”
“Miranda Bach,” I answered. Even though there was a hint of pleasant disbelief in my voice, I sounded quite professional. I gave myself a mental pat on the back. I could only hope when the voice came in on the other end that it was bearing good news.
“This is Larry,” an obnoxiously familiar voice barked over the speaker. I gulped. I could only think of one reason he was calling. I struggled to determine if it was a good thing or bad thing. Of course I wanted a client and regular one was the best I could hope for, especially with such a famous name. But did I really want my client to be Axel Montgomery of all people? Still, I knew I was in no position to get choosy, especially over something like that.
“Listen, he wants to book another appointment with you so when are you open?”
“I’m sure I can accommodate his earliest–”
“Accommodation is an absolute must. Axel is the best player in the league and it’s absolutely imperative...”
That was the moment I zoned off from Larry’s impromptu sermon. He continued to drone on, but I did catch something along the lines of him being “glad I knew how to treat an all-star” and he, “isn’t just talking about the therapy.” This left a sour taste in my mouth, but I had to ignore it because I already made up my mind to take the appointment anyway.
I let Larry go on for a couple more minutes, musing on how obvious it was he was the one who would jump through hoops for Axel. He even addressed him as “The Axe,” at one point and I had to bite back a laugh. That was a nickname Axel ha
d carried with him since high school, but I always found it cheesy. When I cleared my throat Larry finally came to his senses so we could proceed with booking the appointment. I scribbled it into my book and said a cordial goodbye. Before he had another chance to ramble on about nothing, I quickly hung up the phone.
Any negative feelings had completely left my body. I was thrilled and excited. My hands were shaking and I was grinning from ear to ear. I turned to look at Shellsea, who looked equally as excited. I scooted back and did a little happy dance in my chair.
Once I stopped waving my hands, Shellsea excused herself to go refill her bottle of water. I stared out the window. I couldn’t figure out why I was so happy. Only moments ago I wasn’t sure if Axel returning was actually good news.
He may be a bit of a jerk, but he was an old friend and I desperately needed the money. But when I closed my eyes I couldn’t get the image of his face out of my head. I told myself it was just residual feelings from my teenage crush on him, but my mind couldn’t stop thinking about the way his crescent shaped scar looked with all his scruff surrounding it.
I wondered what it would feel like to kiss it. I instantly felt heat race through my body. I drew in a rattling breath and gulped, patting down my hot cheeks and ignoring the hotness that was bubbling in the pit of my stomach. I needed to stop these feelings from getting the best of me if Axel was going to be a regular client.
I plopped down on my desk chair and wrote a check to my rental company. I was hoping they would sit on it long enough so it didn’t bounce. Hopefully I could hold out until Axel paid me again.
Paying bills was what I needed to focus on, not drudging up some old childhood feelings about Axel Montgomery.
Mira seemed happier this time. She had no reason to be mad at me for last time. Maybe she just wasn’t all that friendly anymore. It annoyed me to think that, particularly because I paid her so well. But I was still looking forward to my second session with her. If all else failed, I wasn’t looking to reconnect with an old friend. First and foremost, I needed to heal.
I was tired of being benched. I was sick of seeing my teammates fumble plays I knew I could execute flawlessly. So when Mira opened the door to her small office and had a smile on her face, I relaxed into a smile myself. It was a weird and brief moment, but it felt genuine.
I stepped inside and she took a couple steps back, looking me in the eye. I couldn’t be sure, but she seemed slightly timid with her expression. I wondered if we were going to get started anytime soon. “How does it feel to have your dream of being a quarterback in the pro league come true?”
“I don’t know, I’ll let you know when I find out.” I said, half in jest.
Mira arched a brow and looked at me questioningly. “You’re the star quarterback for the Razorsharks, aren’t you? Everyone knows your name.”
“Well, yeah,” I muttered, “But I’ve been benched all season, you know.”
“I do know,” she responded, pointing to my area of injury. “I’m treating the reason, as I’m sure you know.”
There was a bite to her response. I kind of liked the sass, even if it was usually something I found off-putting; especially from someone I was handing money to. Maybe she felt a certain comfort level because of our past.
“What were your passing yards last year?”
I was barely paying attention when she went on to ask me another question about my stats, but I caught the tail end of it. I was taken aback; maybe ‘impressed’ was more of an accurate word. She clearly knew a decent amount about football. Maybe it was because of her profession. Either way, it was odd for such an attractive woman to be asking me about football.
“Just over forty-nine-hundred. I had hopes of shattering it this season, but it doesn’t look like that will be happening.” I said as I reached up to massage my shoulder. I watched her as she stared up at me with gleaming eyes. I couldn’t tell what she was thinking about, but it didn’t seem to be my stats.
“I practically grew up listening to you and Zak talk about every sport under the sun, none nearly as much as football though.”
I chuckled and nodded in acknowledgement. It was obvious to me now why she had pursued a physical therapy career. She was surrounded by sports and athletes growing up.
“Why did Zak quit football, anyway? He was pretty good, that guy.”
Mira grunted, “Zak’s working as an office drone now.” She paused, enjoying the look in my eyes though not as much as she enjoyed watching me try to keep it low-key. “It probably sucks, but he loves having the free time to fuck around on nights and weekends. That shouldn’t surprise you.”
“Yeah,” I laughed, “I remember that all right. So I guess some things never change.”
Mira eyed me for a second, “You’re a pro football player and a famous one at that. Your life has to be fucking around constantly.”
I drew my eyes to the floor. My life hadn’t been ‘fucking around’ in a very long time. My thoughts instantly went to Molly. She had been crying for Janice the night before. I wanted to comfort her, but she wouldn’t take it. She wanted her nanny and I wasn’t it. She was used to Janice, after all. It pained me that little Molly had now lost out on her relationship with Janice, but that only made me even more angry. I cleared my throat and pushed the image of my tear-stricken daughter out of my mind.
“I’m not doing any partying these days,” I told Mira quietly.
A weird silence hung between us for a moment. I found myself wondering if I should tell her that I had a daughter. Molly wasn’t a secret per se, but I was careful about letting people know about her. I knew how my line of work was. I just wanted to protect her.
I looked back up at Mira and her nickname ‘Randy’ came to mind. It made her angry, but even after all these years I still used it. She was an old friend after all so maybe there wouldn’t be any harm in telling her about Molly. Then again, she was an employee. Not only was it a bad idea to blur the lines between professional and personal life, I wasn’t keen on treating someone I was paying as a friend. I cleared my throat and shifted my weight from one foot to the other; things were a bit more complicated with Mira than with other people I had hired.
“Why don’t we get started,” Mira suggested, motioning toward the massage room.
I nodded and headed inside, closing the door behind me to disrobe and climb onto the table. I laid face down and was glad I didn’t have to struggle against the pain as much to drape the sheet over my hips. Even with one session she had managed to work magic on my injury. I found her work promising. I smiled and turned my head to the side, waiting for her to come in.
“Come in!” I said after there was a light knock on the door. She definitely looked less wound up than our first session.
I watched her rub the massage oil into the palms of her hands and closed my eyes the moment she made contact with my back. She rubbed smoothly and easily along my entire back, working me into a state of relaxation. I loved how she worked on everything just enough before focusing on the affected area of my shoulder. It was a whole package kind of treatment that was perfectly measured. However, what I liked most about her method was that I didn’t have to instruct her. She was so good at what she did she was able to figure things out all on her own. She was so in tune with my needs even though it was only our second time working together.
She calmed me further, sinking her thumbs into the knots of tension that flared up in my shoulder after practice. I groaned and exhaled long and slow, eyes still shut. She repeated the movement with alternating pressure and I creaked a little whimper a couple more times, falling into a deep state of relaxation. It wasn’t long before I started jabbering away.
“I’m glad I found you,” I muttered. I felt Mira’s hands pause momentarily.
“Oh? That must mean this treatment shows promise.”
I thought I detected some kind of undertone in her voice, almost like she was nervous, but I blew it off. I nodded and let out a small moan.
“F
or sure.” It was honest, but non-committal, just how I liked things to be. “The team spent so much money on getting me and I’m not delivering. It’s like they invested in a loss, you know? It makes me feel pressured, but so far you’re the only therapist that’s made me think I might get off the bench a bit sooner.”
Mira’s hands slowed and I almost thought she was leaning in closer to me, as if to speak in my ear, but I didn’t crack my eyes open to check. It was too weird to take a peek. I was afraid it would result in something too intimate for my taste. Either way, it wasn’t something I was down with. I wanted to stay relaxed and get treated.
“Axel,” she finally spoke up, “I hope you know you’re a human being and not a commodity to be traded. You’re not some item on the stock market rapidly losing value.”
I stayed quiet. I felt her words settle over me like a comfortable blanket. It was odd to be talked to with such comfort and understanding. I was used to being around a bunch of alpha male types who didn’t have time for feelings.
I thought about what she had just said long and hard as her hands continued to work on my sore spots. In the sports world, I was viewed as something rapidly losing value. I was easily one of the largest investments for the team, but the payoff wasn’t coming through. This was the first time I actually thought it was different though. I was a person not a trading card.
I groaned again, only this time it was because thinking about this and trying to sort how I felt about it was distracting from the relaxation. I decided to push it out of my mind. I needed to change the subject.
“How are you doing, Randy?”
Mira huffed and I felt her hands tense for a second, “I, Miranda... Well, I honestly wondered if you’d ever get to this point.”
That was what it took for me to finally open my eyes and turn to look at her. She was making it a point to avoid eye contact and stare at her hands working down my arm. I smirked. I could tell she was interested in my tattoos.
“Get to what point?”
She pursed her lips and moved her hands back up to my shoulder before swiping over to the other side. “Oh, you know, just talking about me.”
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