The fresh tropical air, warm sunlight, and the gentle breeze are perfect for my discombobulated mind. I can think here. I can sort out of the mess I’ve made of my life without outside interference.
I need this.
I’ve really made a mess of my life. Career wise, everything is great. My music...my career in music is the most important thing to me. It’s the only thing that has gone according to plan. When I was fifteen, I used to lie in bed, holding Dee-Dee and tell myself, over and over, that I was going to be a superstar.
I was right.
I’ve made a lot of big moves in my career. Every time I pick up my guitar and play for an audience, it’s like a brand new experience. I’m happiest on stage, playing with my friends. My career is everything I could ask for and then some. It’s the only good thing in my life.
Everything else is all fucked up.
I try my hardest not to give shit about the stupid biased things that people say and write about me. I’ve been the subject of more rumors than I can count. I’ve been called every bad thing I can think of by people who are jealous of the things that I am able to do.
I’m starting to believe the things that they say. They write from a place of jealousy and envy but I’m starting to believe there is some truth behind their words.
I’m not happy. My mind is all fuzzy. My judgment, when it comes to my personal life, is questionable at best. I tried to talk to Kat about it. Her advice was to “stop drinking and grow the hell up.” She added “stop acting like an ass” in there for good measure.
I feel like I felt when I was a teenager, like life has gotten even more unsettling and mundane. Nothing means anything anymore. Something has got to change.
****
Two weeks of walking on the beach, swimming in my private cove, doing absolutely nothing except thinking and relaxing, quickly turned into three weeks which easily turned into four. I’ve never enjoyed being completely alone. There’s always someone around for me to talk to, to party with, or just hang out with, whether it’s friends or some girl I barely know. I’m completely surprised that I haven’t lost my mind on this island and started talking to a soccer ball.
I’m not in any hurry to get back to the crazy place I call home. I’m not rushing back to the paparazzi following my every move. I’m not hurrying back to the constant pressure of always having to be at the top of my game.
Still, nothing good ever lasts forever...at least not in my world. A sharp tapping on the cottage door interrupted more than just my afternoon nap. It interrupted my serenity.
I figured that after five weeks, Delilah or Roxy would make an appearance after I kept extending my stay. I was actually expecting to see one of them, if not both, when I opened the door.
“Thank God,” Sunny said, holding a squirming Summer in her arms. “We’re trying the whole potty training thing and this little girl has to pee.
“Sunny, what are you doing here?” I asked, surprised and not even trying to hide it, but she brushed past me, looking for the bathroom.
“It’s to your right ma’am,” the guy standing with her on the deck said. At any other hotel or resort, I would have called him a bellhop but on this island, he’s just Thomas. I’ve come to know all of the staff here and Thomas, by far, is my favorite.
“What is she doing here?” I asked him, after shutting the door behind me.
“I don’t know. She came to the Club and asked how to get up here and if anyone would help her with her luggage. Is she not welcome?” Thomas asked.
“She’s welcome,” I muttered. “Just unexpected.” I looked at three suitcases Thomas had brought up to my cottage and groaned.
“I’ll take these inside.”
“Will the three of you be down to the Club for dinner?” he asked.
I nodded. Usually I have my meals alone but occasionally I’ve been down to eat dinner with the other guests on the island.
“I’ll make sure there’s something tasty for the little one,” Thomas grinned. “She’s a darling.”
“Thanks. I’ll give that compliment to her mother. See you in a few hours.”
I walked back into the house, weighted down with Sunny’s expensive luggage. I dropped all three bags on the floor and sat down on a chair.
What the hell is she doing here? Sunny of all people!
A few minutes later, she and Summer came out of the bathroom laughing. As soon as she saw me, Summer leaped onto my lap and hugged me.
“You’ve gotten big, Princess,” I laughed. “How old are you?”
“I’m two!” she squealed proudly.
“Five hours on planes and another hour on a boat, and all that child would talk about is you,” Sunny sighed. “She couldn’t wait to get here.”
“I wanna swim!” Summer squealed.
I laughed. “We’ll go swimming.” I looked at Sunny, waiting for an explanation for her sudden appearance. She shook her head.
“Can we talk about that later?” she asked. “I really want a hot shower and a nap. You’d be doing me a huge favor if you took her swimming.”
Sunny looked like she needed a nap and not just for a few hours either. She looks exhausted.
“Which bag is hers?” I asked.
“The smallest one,” Sunny answered with her eyes close. “I’m pretty sure her bathing suit is on top.”
“Come on little mama,” I said and stood up.
There goes my vacation.
Chapter 57
I watched Sunny and Summer attempt to build a sand castle and grinned. They’d been on the island with me for five days and truthfully, it’s been fun having them around, especially Summer. She’s an incredible child. She’s always so happy and excited about everything. If she brings this much joy to my life, I can only imagine how Sunny feels.
Sunny has changed a lot. She’s very protective of her child. She’s a good mother. I still don’t know why Sunny is here. Every time I pose the question, she changes the subject. I know more about the launch of her summer collection and her trip to Paris for Fashion Week than I ever needed to know.
Sunny shuffled through the hot sand and sat down next to me, keeping her eyes trained on her daughter. Her skin is a deep bronze color because she hasn’t stayed out of the sun. She’s the only black girl that I know who tans as much as she does. Five days in the Caribbean sun had lightened the gold highlights in her hair and she looked radiant…and happy.
Since she had the baby, Sunny’s already enticing body had undergone a pretty freaking awesome transformation. Now she’s all boobs, hips, and ass. She’s always been gorgeous, now she’s just drop dead beautiful. I shifted on the blanket, trying to hide the problem starting in my swim trunks.
“So, are you ever going to tell me what brought you down here?” I asked.
“For a musician who practically lives on the stage or in the studio, your timing sucks,” Sunny replied. I know she was rolling her eyes behind her Ray Bans.
“It only sucks when I ask you a question that you don’t want to answer.”
“It’s a pointless question. Why does it matter why I’m here? Just be happy that I am.”
She leaned back on her elbows. The gold flecks in her white bikini sparkled in the sunlight. I diverted my eyes before the situation in my shorts got worse.
“You could have called first. You shouldn’t just show up and crash somebody’s vacation.”
“This isn’t a vacation, Aiden. This is a hideout. Everybody else may think that you’re taking a much needed vacation, but I know what you’re up to.”
“What am I up to, Sunny?”
“Don’t play,” she smirked. “You’re not the only one who can ask questions. I have one of my own.”
“Don’t be mad if you never get an answer.”
Sunny took off her sunglasses. I could feel her eyes burrowing into my soul but I kept my eyes straight ahead, focused on the deep turquoise of the ocean.
“Why are you here, Aiden? What are you hiding from?”
“The law,” I said sarcastically. If she really knew as much as she thinks she does, she would know exactly why I’m here. She wouldn’t have to ask.
“That’s not funny, Aiden,” she admonished.
“Yes, it was.” Two can play this dumb game.
Determined not to answer her question or let on how uncomfortable her question was making me, I got up and joined Summer who was still struggling with her castle. Sunny watched us with a strange expression on her face, almost like she wanted to cry.
****
Later, while Sunny was getting Summer ready for bed, I sat on the deck, listening to the waves crashing against the rocks with my guitar on my lap. I wasn’t really playing anything special. I just liked the way the music carried in the night breeze.
I didn’t even realize when the house got quiet and Summer’s childish giggles had stopped. I heard the screen door open and Sunny stepped out, carrying a bottle of wine and two glasses. She sat down at my feet, between my legs. She poured two glasses of wine and reached up to hand me one, then rested her head against my leg. She exhaled deeply.
“What are you playing?”
“Nothing really,” I answered. “Some song I’ve been working on for years. Can’t quite finish it, you know. Do you want to hear something?”
“Purple Rain?” Sunny laughed loudly.
“Hell no!” I immediately shot back and laughed.
Sunny’s cheek was warm against my leg. My body warmed as her hand trailed down my calf. Every single hair on my leg stood on end at her slight touch.
Sunny sipped her wine and exhaled again.
“Enough with the sighing. What’s wrong?” I grumbled. She’s been doing that all day.
“Nothing’s wrong.”
“Alright.” If she doesn’t want to tell me, unlike her, I’m not going to force her into talking. I like when she’s quiet anyway. It’s peaceful.
I strummed a few more chords and let the wind carry them away. Sunny pressed her head against my leg and hummed along with the tune. We sat like that for the better part of an hour without speaking. Sunny was so quiet that I thought she’d fallen asleep.
“Sunny,” I whispered, “go to bed.”
“I’m not asleep. I’m thinking.”
“Want to talk about it?” was my obligatory response.
“No,” she answered, “but I have to.”
I sat my guitar down. “Talk to me.”
Sunny moved from the floor between my legs onto my lap, careful to not spill her wine all over both of us. The fact that Sunny is perfectly comfortable sitting in my lap unnerves many people and makes them think things that they shouldn’t. It used to irritate the hell out of Ramey.
“I feel bad for not being around after the funeral,” Sunny spoke softly. “It was hard to go back to Atlanta, knowing how much you were hurting.”
“You had to do what you had to do,” I answered.
“I should have been there with you. I wanted to be there for you. I didn’t want you to add me to your list of people that weren’t there for you, like Ramey.”
“It’s fine, Sunny.”
I appreciate her point but it doesn’t change anything. She wasn’t there when I needed her. I will never again admit to Sunny how her actions or inactions make me feel. I’ve done it hundreds of times and nothing good ever comes of it. She doesn’t get it so there’s no point to it.
“Don’t be easy on me, Aiden,” she said. “You don’t have to pretend you’re not mad. I’d rather you didn’t.”
Maybe I was pissed at her a little…maybe a lot, but I’m over it. Or at least getting over it. I’m not going to be mad at my best friend because she has things going on in her life that don’t include me. We’ve been friends for too long.
“Don’t worry about it, Sunny. I’m not mad. If I was mad, I would have made you leave when you darkened my doorstep.”
She leaned her head against my shoulder. I squeezed her gently and kissed her forehead.
“We just need to let the bullshit go, Sunny. We’ve been friends way too long. We’ll always be friends.”
Even as the words left my mouth, they didn’t feel right. This feels like more than friendship. No matter what I try to do, I can’t push that feeling to the side when it comes to her. I wish I could. I can’t.
“I know,” she answered softly. Her voice quivered a little and I realized that Sunny was trembling from head to toe.
“Are you cold?”
“No.” she hopped off my lap and started pacing the deck.
“Oh God, I can’t do this,” she moaned.
“Can’t do what?”
Sunny looked at me then turned away even faster. She stared at the moonlit sky. If I hadn’t known any better, I would have bet all of my money that she was trying to count the stars.
What the hell is wrong with her now?
“I can’t do this, Aiden. I can’t pretend anymore.” Sunny’s voice trembled and I knew she was crying.
I stayed in my chair. Sunny is a lot like me when it comes to emotions. When she has something to say she just wants to say it, without interruption. She doesn’t like to be babied or coddled. She doesn’t care for anyone’s sympathy. I let her talk.
“I hate this, Aiden. I hate the strained conversations we have. I hate the tension between us. I hate the words that neither one of us have the balls to say.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’ve made so many stupid decisions in my life,” she cried, “especially when it comes to you. I’ve lied to you about everything.”
“Lied to me about what?”
“Everything, Aiden,” she whispered into the shadows. “Stuff I feel, things I do, Summer…everything.”
Summer?
“What do you mean by Summer?” I got up and walked across the deck. I leaned against the post and made her look at me.
“What are you talking about?”
“Xavier isn’t Summer’s father.” Sunny couldn’t look up at me. Huge tears fell from her eyes and splattered on the floor. For once, I didn’t care about her tears.
“That’s why he’s not around,” she explained. “I never even told him that I was pregnant. I’m not that girl who can pass a child off as someone else’s.”
“You’re not making any sense,” I stuttered.
“New Orleans,” she paused. “I didn’t know how to tell you. We were having such a good time and you were so happy again. I didn’t want to ruin it.”
I’m no genius, but it doesn’t take one to read between the lines. I shook my head. She’s not getting off this easy. Not after keeping this damn secret for two years. Not after all the bullshit we’ve been through.
“You better not be saying what I think you’re saying.”
Sunny didn’t utter a word.
“Who’s her father, Sunny?”
“Don’t,” she cried.
“Say it,” I demanded. “I need to hear you say the words.”
“You’re her father,” she finally said after a full minute of total silence. “Summer is your daughter.”
I wanted…needed...to hear those words, but hearing them out loud still felt like someone had sucked all the oxygen out of my lungs.
“Damn it, Sunny!” I yelled. “You should have told me this a long fucking time ago! What the hell did you think I was going to do? Say ‘Fuck you’ and run? What kind of person do you think I am?”
“I was going to tell you,” she wept. “But things got a little overwhelming, especially when you just automatically assumed that Xavier was her father. I made a stupid decision. I knew you’d always be around, always be a part of her life. After awhile, it didn’t seem that important.”
“Didn’t seem that important,” I mumbled angrily. I know when Sunny is lying and right now, she’s telling the truth, but not all of it. There’s something else she’s not telling me, and it’s something just as important as the fact that I have a child.
I leaned against the dec
k railing and ran my hands through my hair. Sunny was finally looking at me but I couldn’t meet her eyes. A zillion feelings surged through my head.
I’m a father.
I have a child...with Sunny.
I have a daughter.
The realization felt like a gut punch. There’s another person in this world that I am responsible for. I have to teach her things. I have to put her first. I have to be encouraging and understanding. I have to be a good father, which means I have to get my shit together.
“Will you please say something?” Sunny pleaded.
I finally looked at her. “What else aren’t you telling me?”
“Huh?”
I waited. Sunny said nothing.
“Sunny?”
“Please, Aiden,” she cried. “You have no idea how hard this is.” Her tears did nothing for me.
“Isn’t keeping whatever it is from me harder than just saying it?”
“Why’d you come here?” I asked once more. The fear in her eyes, the tears rolling down to the wooden floor of the deck are the result of the answer she won’t give. I know it. I can feel it.
“Because...” she hesitated and took a deep breath. “Because I couldn’t stand it anymore. People kept telling me how sad you were, how depressed you were. But you never called. It was like you didn’t need me.”
“But I knew you did...because-” her voice cracked and she became too choked up to finish.
“Because what?”
“Because I needed you. I needed you more than I ever wanted to admit. I was suffocating in Atlanta, trying my hardest to stay away from you, thinking it would be easier to deal with everything if I kept my distance. It wasn’t. I came here so that I could breathe again.”
“And you needed me. You needed to know about Summer. You needed to be able to look at her, hear her voice, and know that she’s here because of you. You need to be able to look at your child and say ‘I can’t be that bad of a guy because look what I made’. I came here for you.”
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