by Deb Kastner
Before dawn on the fourth day, he dressed and went into the kitchen to make the coffee and pour himself a bowl of cold cereal before heading out to do his morning chores.
Rebecca startled ten years off his life when he flipped on the light and found her at the kitchen table, dozing quietly with her head tucked onto her folded arms, her auburn hair covering her face.
What in the world was she doing in the kitchen at this time of day—and sound asleep at the kitchen table, at that?
For a moment, he just stood silently, watching the peaceful rise and fall of her chest as she breathed. He hated to have to be the one to bring her back to the real world—a world full of challenges and stress.
“Rebecca, honey,” he said, gently shaking her shoulder. “Wake up.”
She mumbled something unintelligible and then shot straight up out of her seat, her eyes wide with shock.
“What’s going on?” she asked, her voice high and tight.
“That’s what I was about to ask you,” he countered with a chuckle. “What are you doing sleeping in the kitchen? How long have you been here?”
“Oh.” She yawned widely and covered her mouth with the back of her hand—a hand that was no longer in a splint. “I was waiting for you. I wasn’t sure what time you got up in the morning, only that it was early, so I’ve been here since three a.m. I figured that way I for sure wouldn’t miss you.”
That sounded serious. He poured them both cups of coffee and slid into the chair across from her. His heart thudded as he waited for her explanation.
“Okay,” he said, when she didn’t immediately fill in the blank. “What’s up that got you going so early this morning?”
“I know you’re super busy with the ranch, and I don’t want to bother you or take you away from that, but you’re really the best one to show me what our lives were like before my accident. For years it was just the two of us, wasn’t it? I’ve been hanging out with my mom and Mackenzie for the past few days, but Mom isn’t that familiar with the ranch and Mackenzie is new to me, isn’t she?”
“Mmm,” he agreed, his throat tightening. “You’re right. There’s no reason you’d remember her. We went to her christening just after she was born, but then we didn’t see her often. And you’re right about your mom. She stepped in to help when I needed her, and she’s been a huge blessing to me, but she wasn’t raised on a ranch any more than you were. This is as new to her as it is to you.”
He threaded his fingers through his hair. Once again, he had let Rebecca down. He hadn’t been there for her after the miscarriage that he hadn’t quite been able to find the courage to tell her about in their last discussion. He hadn’t been there for her when major depression drove her into a darkness from which she could not be reached.
And now he had backed off and hadn’t been here for her as she struggled to regain her memory. Or, apparently, when she’d visited the doctor to remove the splint on her wrist. And that after he had assured her that he’d been the one who would take her to see Dr. Delia.
“I’ll do better,” he promised. “So you saw the doctor, I take it?”
“Two days ago.”
How had he missed that? Was it that easy for him to fall back into his old ways whenever stress hit?
“Yes. It was mostly about my splinted wrist. She says it’s healed now, thankfully. I was really tired of wearing the splint all the time.”
“Did you check on the—our—baby?”
She smiled softly. “Our son is right where he’s supposed to be for this stage. He’s got a strong, steady heartbeat and is just the right size.” She reached around to the counter and picked up an ultrasound image, passing it to Tanner.
“That’s his heart. His feet and arms. Here’s the outline of his face. Isn’t that the cutest little button nose you’ve ever seen?”
Tanner nodded, too choked up to answer.
“And look—he’s sucking his thumb. He’s already learned how to self-soothe. He’s going to be the best baby ever.”
Everything about that ultrasound picture was amazing. And that the baby had somehow come from God’s blessing upon Tanner and Rebecca during the time they’d been facing such difficulties made it all the more special.
And all the more confusing.
“We should spend more time together, don’t you think?” she asked. “Because of...” She gestured toward the ultrasound photo.
“Yes. The two of us need to get to know one another again. No matter how this amnesia thing plays out, I think it’s important that we reestablish our relationship.”
And hope for the best.
“I’d like to spend more time with you, but I don’t want to be a burden to you. I know how busy you are with the ranch and I know I would just drag you down.”
He winced. It wasn’t being busy that had kept him from Rebecca’s side the last few days. It had been his own confusion. He had made a vow to be faithful to her. Now it was time to put the past—a past he did remember—away and push his vow into action.
“I’ll make time. This is important.”
She bit the inside of her bottom lip and nodded. Tanner remembered she used to do that—nibble on her lip—when she was deep in thought about something. It was one of those gestures that made his gut flip.
“What?” he asked.
“I just don’t even know where to start.”
Tanner wished he could take Rebecca out on a horseback ride and show her their land and their prize herd of Irish Black beef cattle. He’d seen the way her eyes had lit up when they’d spoken of riding a horse again. Maybe she was experiencing some innate feelings deep within her that resonated when she thought about Calypso—that she instinctively understood how much she loved horses.
But that wouldn’t work now. Though they could spend time with the horses, she couldn’t ride. Not in her condition. So that would have to wait.
Those thoughts had, however, given him another idea, a way both to surprise Rebecca and hopefully stimulate more of her memories to return. It was a way to bring the whole family together, and if he didn’t miss his guess, it would be fun for everyone.
“We could spend some time with your alpacas,” he suggested. “Most of them are ready for shearing. That would, in a sense, be a new experience for all of us.”
She smiled, her eyes glittering, and he couldn’t help but grin back. This was the woman he remembered, the woman he’d fallen in love with so easily and who would always have his heart in her hand.
The woman before.
“Let me get my morning chores done and then we’ll set up to shear one of them for practice. I imagine your mother and Mackenzie would like to join in.”
“I’ll help you out with the chores.” Rebecca drank the last of her coffee and rinsed out her mug.
“You don’t have to do that.”
“You don’t want me to help?”
Great. He’d hurt her feelings. That wasn’t what he’d intended to do, but he somehow had to shake her for at least a little while.
Since Rebecca had always shorn her alpacas with her fellow alpaca enthusiasts’ help, he had zero experience in how to do it. And Rebecca probably wouldn’t remember how to shear an alpaca, unless it was one of those things that came back as muscle memory.
He intended to slip into his office in the stable and look up how to shear an alpaca on a couple of online videos so he could direct the process and not look like he didn’t know what he was doing—even if he didn’t know what he was doing.
But if Rebecca joined him with his chores, how was he going to slip away?
She shrugged when he didn’t immediately accept her offer of help. “I don’t mind. Really. Maybe you can show me what I need to do to care for the horses?”
He laughed. “Cleaning stables may be the least glamorous job on the ranch.”
“But you
said that used to be my chore, right?”
“I’ve gotta admit, I never did understand how anyone could think cleaning out stalls was an entertaining activity the way you always did.”
“Well, me, neither, but the only way to find out is to try, don’t you think?”
“I suppose so.” She had a point. If nothing else, cleaning out the stable would be an immersive experience. “But I don’t want you to feel you have to do it every day if you don’t want to. Especially in your condition. And be careful with your wrist. You just got it out of a splint.”
“I’ll let you know how the experience goes for me,” she promised, holding up one hand palm out. “But don’t worry about me physically. I’m feeling much better now, other than having my foot in a walking boot. I’m extremely grateful to be past feeling nauseated in my pregnancy and am actually feeling quite well. I didn’t have morning sickness. I had all-day sickness. But now I’m just always hungry, which I’ll take any day over feeling sick to my stomach. And I’m doing better from the accident, as well. No more body aches and my wrist doesn’t hurt at all. Now, if my memory would just heal...”
“Just don’t overdo it,” he said again.
They walked in silence down to the barn. Rebecca appeared distant, lost in her own thoughts, and Tanner didn’t know what to say.
“We own six horses,” he explained when they entered the stable.
To his astonishment, Rebecca walked straight up to her horse and offered her a carrot, stroking her neck affectionately. “Hello, Calypso, sweetheart.”
“Wait, what? You remember which one of these is your horse—and her name?”
She turned, laughing when Calypso bumped the back of her head with her muzzle, clearly wanting all of Rebecca’s attention focused on her.
“Okay, so I cheated and checked my notes this morning. But I have the oddest feeling right now that I would have remembered her anyway. I wonder if more of my short-term memory is returning?” Her smile widened. “Wouldn’t that be great?”
This might seem like leaping over a small hurdle, but Tanner knew that to Rebecca, it was huge. She may have remembered something she’d been told within the last few days without using her cell phone notes. More than that, she’d remembered something important to her—her relationship with her horse, Calypso.
Tanner wanted to cheer, but that would freak out the horses, so he mentally fist-pumped instead.
Tanner now regretted the days he’d withdrawn from her. He’d been selfish and because of that had wasted important time. How much further along would she be right now if he’d been here working with her, stoking the fire of her memories back to life?
He was a coward. He knew why he’d returned to his old ways so easily. It was fear holding him back. He was afraid of what would happen once all of her memories returned and not just the short-term ones—when she remembered why she had left him. When she once again became aware of the pain of the miscarriage and all of the miserable months afterward and the depression she’d suffered through.
He wouldn’t wish that kind of pain on anyone.
And could he help it if he didn’t really want her to remember their separation? Things between them were so good now. He liked the relationship they were developing together. And yet from one second to the next it could all go downhill.
They were one memory away from disaster.
* * *
Tanner was billing the alpaca-shearing as a family event, but Rebecca wasn’t so sure he was right. But of course he would be. He was the rancher. He knew what he was doing.
She’d been told—repeatedly—that the alpacas were her thing. She’d bought a couple of ebooks on the care and feeding of alpacas and the different types of performance events alpacas trained in, since Tanner had mentioned she’d once been interested in that. She’d spent a great deal of time out in the pasture, just taking quality time with the animals and trying to get to know the gentle creatures with the enormous brown eyes. They didn’t frighten her anymore, although she wasn’t sure she would ever not chuckle when one of them honked at her.
But no matter how she tried or how much time she spent, nothing permanent was sticking—in her mind, anyway. Her heart tugged whenever she was around her alpacas, suggesting how she used to feel about the animals.
It was so frustrating to continually have to return to her notes, not even able to remember just how many times she’d done that very same thing—pull out her cell phone and try to remember...
She dressed in a long-sleeved dark blue T-shirt, jeans and cowboy boots. Her mom had taken her shopping in Amarillo shortly after she’d returned home to get her the clothes she’d need to work the ranch—maternity-style.
As far as the baby was concerned, she was starting to look and feel like an elephant, lumbering around with that particular large animal’s pace—and with just about as much grace.
She was the last one to reach the living room, where the others were gathered and waiting for her. Darling Mackenzie was bouncing on her heels, totally enthused about spending time with Uncle Tanner and the ’pacas. The outfit she’d picked out for the day—because she was three and got to choose her own clothes now—included pink jeans, a T-shirt with her favorite cartoon princess on it and matching pink bows in her hair. At least Uncle Tanner had persuaded her to wear her cowboy boots for the excursion. It hadn’t taken too much convincing, since even her boots were pink.
“The whole herd needs to be sheared, but for today, I think we ought to just start with one and see how it goes,” Tanner announced as they headed out the door.
One alpaca? The thought of what it took to shear one of these animals overwhelmed Rebecca, but surely Tanner was an expert. He’d spent his whole life on a ranch. He was probably keeping it simple and sticking to only one alpaca for her sake. She didn’t really know what to expect, but she imagined him zipping through the whole herd with his shears and leaving a nice pile of fleece at the end—wool which she would then somehow have to learn how to turn into yarn.
And knit. Let’s not forget that she was eventually supposed to knit something out of the wool still currently attached to the alpaca’s backs. She thought she remembered how, but she hadn’t yet put it into practice—and there were homeless people depending on her for hats and mittens at Christmas.
“Okay, then,” Tanner said as they approached the alpaca pen. “Who wants to pick out which alpaca gets her haircut?”
“I do! I do!” Mackenzie exclaimed.
Having obviously expected that answer, Tanner grinned down at his niece and held out his arms to her.
“Let’s go take a look,” Tanner said. Mackenzie squeaked in excitement and crawled into her uncle’s arms.
Rebecca’s heart warmed like hot tea with honey watching Tanner with Mackenzie. He was exceptionally patient with the little girl, allowing her to examine each alpaca several times over, each time exclaiming over the color of their coats, or the enormity of their eyes, or how soft they were to the touch.
Eventually, Mackenzie settled on an alpaca she called Brownie, which made sense, since the animal had a light brown coat.
“He’s pretty,” Rebecca remarked.
“She,” Tanner corrected. “This herd is all females. You can’t keep machos in with the hembras or you’ll have trouble.”
“M-machos?” Rebecca repeated with a giggle, even as her face heated from the error she had made. “The males are called machos?”
“Hey,” Tanner said, pushing his chest out and flexing his biceps. “I think that’s a great name for them.”
Peggy snorted and Mackenzie burst into giggles. Even Rebecca had to smile at his crazy antics.
“So where are the—machos?”
“We don’t have any. We use a stud service when necessary. You were really into researching bloodlines and were working on bettering your herd with every cría born. Conformity, color
, condition of the wool. Everything fascinated you.”
“It did?” At the moment, all of that information overwhelmed her. She couldn’t imagine the amount of complicated data connected to pedigree research. She had enough to do just to remember all of her alpacas were girls.
She’d probably forgotten more than she’d learned, even if she’d spent the entire morning reviewing her notes. The alpaca herd had been her idea, so she felt obligated to take over that responsibility as soon as possible. She’d spent hours on video websites learning what she could about the animals, from the hay and fresh pasture they ate, which kept them full and happy, to who knew what else—she certainly couldn’t remember many of the specifics right now.
“The first thing we have to do is catch her,” said Tanner.
Rebecca had noticed that while the animals appeared docile, they sometimes skittered away when Tanner was near.
The goal, Tanner explained, was to get Brownie lying down and stretched out onto the tarp Tanner had fastened down just outside the alpacas’ pasture. He’d placed removable wire fencing around the gate, making a holding pen of sorts to keep Brownie from bolting off.
“I’ll go to the left,” Rebecca offered.
Tanner nodded and jogged to the right. Peggy and Mackenzie stood next to the gate, ready and waiting to do their job of shooing Brownie into the holding pen.
First, they had to separate Brownie from the herd, which turned out to be not as easy as Rebecca would have imagined it might be. Brownie was determined to stay with her friends and nothing Tanner and Rebecca did appeared to make her want to change her mind on the issue.
Not being used to being around the alpacas—or any ranch animal, for that matter—Rebecca’s heart was pounding as she inserted herself into the herd. She tried to be brave and not balk when the animals skittered around her. She somehow managed to get behind Brownie and shouted and waved her arms to usher the alpaca toward the gate.
It appeared to be working when suddenly Brownie veered to her left, where Tanner stood waiting with a halter in his hand. He waved his arm and hollered, but instead of turning toward the gate, the stubborn alpaca headed straight for Tanner, honking madly. Rebecca was certain she was going to head-butt him, but then at the last moment, she kicked up her hooves and made another ninety-degree turn to the left, dashing out to the middle of the field and the safety of the herd.
