The Ultimate Animal Joke Book
boundless laughs on the animals behalf!
Matthew Grant
Copyright © 2015 by Daturian Press
Get more hilarious joke books and other products at
https://daturianpublishing.com/
Why I Wrote This Book
I wrote this book because I wanted to provide an e-book full of hilarious jokes free of charge. For everyone deserves to have a laugh whenever they want too .
Question: Why did the cat go to Minnesota?
Answer: To get a mini soda!
Question: Where do orcas hear music?
Answer: Orca-stras!
Question: Why did the cow cross the road?
Answer: To get to the udder side.
Question: What do you call a fish without an eye?
Answer: Fsh!
Question: What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?
Answer: Take the words out of his mouth!
Question: What do you call a cold dog sitting on a bunny?
Answer: A chili dog on a bun.
Question: Why do fish live in salt water?
Answer: Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Question: Where do mice park their boats?
Answer: At the hickory dickory dock.
Question: Where did the sheep go on vacation?
Answer: The baaaahamas
Question: What do you call a thieving alligator?
Answer: A crookodile
Question: What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?
Answer: A watch dog.
Question: What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
Answer: A lawn moo-er.
Question: What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?
Answer: Lilly.
Question: How does a dog stop a video?
Answer: He presses the paws button.
Question: Why do cows go to New York?
Answer: To see the moosicals!
Question: Why shouldn't you rape a tree?
Answer: There might be a chipmunk in there looking for nuts.
Question: Why don't chipmunks wear skinny jeans?
Answer: Because their nuts won't fit.
Question: Why did the chipmunk take apart the classic car?
Answer: To get down to the nuts and bolts.
Question: Why couldn't the chipmunk eat the macadamia nut?
Answer: It was one tough nut to crack.
Question: What do you call 144 chipmunks in a box?
Answer: Gross!
Question: How do you catch a carpenter chipmunk?
Answer: Go to Home Depot and pretend to be nut-wood.
Question: How do you catch a chipmunk interested in ornithology?
Answer: Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch
Question: How do you catch a Polynesian chipmunk?
Answer: Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
Question: How can you catch a gay chipmunk?
Answer: Climb a tree and pretend to be an almond.
Question: How do you catch a chipmunk with a Pamela Anderson fixation?
Answer: Climb a tree and act like a chestnut.
Question: How do you catch a mechanically inclined chipmunk?
Answer: Climb a tree and act like a 9/16 12N nut.
Question: How do you catch a chipmunk for the holidays?
Answer: Climb a tree and act like nutmeg.
Question: How do you catch an Irish chipmunk?
Answer: Climb a tree and act like a green pistachio nut.
Question: How do you catch a European Squirrel?
Answer: Climb a tree and act like a metric nut.
Question: How do you catch an English Squirrel?
Answer: Climb a tree and act like nutty.
Question: How do you catch a rich chipmunk?
Answer: Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
Question: What do you call lending money to a bison?
Answer: A buff-a-loan
Question: What is the snake’s favorite subject?
Answer: Hiss-story
Question: What is black ,white and red all over?
Answer: A sunburnt penguin!
Question: Why does a dog wag its tail?
Answer: Because there’s no one else to wag it for him.
Question: What is a cat’s favorite movie?
Answer: The sound of Mew-sic!
Question: How do you make a goldfish old?
Answer: Take away the g!
Question: Why did the lamb cross the road?
Answer: To get to the baaaaarber shop!
Question: How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Answer: Squeaky clean!
Question: What has four legs and goes “Oom, Oom”?
Answer: A cow walking backwards!
Question: Where do you put barking dogs?
Answer: In a barking lot.
Question: What do you call a pig that’s been arrested for dangerous driving?
Answer: A road hog.
Question: What is a cheetahs favourite food?
Answer: Fast food!
Question: What does a cat say when somebody steps onits tail?
Answer: Me-ow!
Question: What do you call a baby bear with no teeth?
Answer: A gummy bear!
Question: Why did the dog cross the road twice?
Answer: He was trying to fetch a boomerang!
Question: What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?
Answer: Its shadow!
Question: What do you call a pig who knows karate?
Answer: Porkchop!
Question: Where does an elephant pack his luggage?
Answer: In his trunk!
Question: There were 10 cats in a boat and one jumped out. How many were left?
Answer: None, because they were copycats!
Question: Which day do fish hate?
Answer: Fryday!
Question: What do you call a cow in a tornado?
Answer: A milkshake!
Question: What did the peanut say to the elephant?
Answer: Nothing, peanuts don’t talk.
Question: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
Answer: No I deer!
Question: Why was the cat afraid of a tree?
Answer: Because of the bark!
Question: How are elephants and trees alike?
Answer: They both have trunks!
Question: What do you call an exploding monkey?
Answer: A baboom!
Question: What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?
Answer: Stuck!
Question: What do you call a sleeping bull?
Answer: A bulldozer!
Question: How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?
Answer: Put him in the front seat.
Question: What is the difference between a car and a bull?
Answer: A car only has one horn.
Question: What did the carrot say to the rabbit?
Answer: Do you want to grab a bite?
Question: What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?
Answer: Time to get a new bed!
Question: Where does a ten ton elephant sit?
Answer: Anywhere it wants to!
Question: What was the first animal in space?
Answer: The cow that jumped over the moon!
Question: What do you get when you plant a frog?
Answer: A cr-oak tree.
Question: What is the quietest kind of a dog?
Answer: A hush puppy.
Question: How is a dog l
ike a telephone?
Answer: It has a collar I.D.
Question: Why do cows wear bells?
Answer: Because their horns don’t work.
Question: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Answer: Take away his credit card!
Question: Why do you bring fish to a party?
Answer: Because it goes good with chips.
Question: What would happen if pigs could fly?
Answer: The price of bacon would go up.
Question: How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?
Answer: Take away his shovel!
Question: What did the frog say when he heard “time flies when you are having fun?”
Answer: Time is fun when you’re having flies!
Question: What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
Answer: It gave a little wine!
Question: Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colours?
Answer: To hide in a bag of M&M’s.
Question: How do you catch a squirrel?
Answer: Climb up a tree and act like a nut!
Question: Where do fish keep their money?
Answer: In a river bank!
Question: What did one cow say to the other?
Answer: Mooooooove over!
Question: What kind of cat should you never play games with?
Answer: A cheetah!
Question: Why did the turtle cross the road?
Answer: To get to the shell station.
Question: What is black and white and red all over?
Answer: A skunk with a rash.
Question: What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?
Answer: Five after one.
Question: What do whales eat?
Answer: Fish and ships.
Question: What part of a fish weighs the most?
Answer: The scales.
Question: What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?
Answer: A tyrannosauraus wreck!
Question: What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?
Answer: The banana split!
Question: What’s the difference between a fish and a piano?
Answer: You can’t tuna fish.
Question: What do you call a gorilla wearing earmuffs?
Answer: Anything you like, he can’t hear you.
Question: Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Answer: It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
Question: How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?
Answer: With flood lighting.
Question: What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?
Answer: With a cowculator.
Question: What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?
Answer: An udder failure.
Question: Why did the cow cross the road?
Answer: Because the chicken was on vacation.
Question: What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
Answer: As far away as possible.
Question: What did the sardine call the submarine?
Answer: A can of people.
Question: What fish only swims at night?
Answer: A starfish.
Question: Why did the elephant leave the circus?
Answer: He was tired of working for peanuts.
Question: What do you get when you cross a roll of wool and a kangaroo?
Answer: A woolen jumper!
Client: “Do you have alligator shoes?”
Storeperson: “Yes, sir. What size does your alligator wear?”
Question: What did the Cinderella fish wear to the ball?
Answer: Glass flippers.
Question: Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Answer: Catfish
Question: What happened when the lion ate the comedian?
Answer: He felt funny.
Question: How many skunks does it take to make a big stink?
Answer: A phew.
Question: Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?
Answer: He was a baaaaaaaaad driver.
Question: How do you keep a skunk from smelling?
Answer: Plug its nose.
Question: What has four legs, a trunk, and sunglasses?
Answer: A mouse on vacation.
Question: What do you call a 400-pound gorilla?
Answer: Sir.
Question: What’s black and white and red all over?
Answer: A blushing zebra.
Question: What is a cow’s favourite place?
Answer: The mooseum.
Question: What do fish take to stay healthy?
Answer: Vitamin sea.
Question: What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?
Answer: Decalfinated!
Question: What do you call a mad elephant?
Answer: An earthquake.
Question: What is a shark’s favourite sandwich?
Answer: Peanut butter and jellyfish.
Question: Where are sharks from?
Answer: Finland.
Question: What is King Arthur’s favourite fish?
Answer: A swordfish
Question: Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?
Answer: He made an illegal ewe turn.
Question: What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?
Answer: A coat of arms.
Question: What kind of dog always runs a fever?
Answer: A hot dog!
Question: What did the momma buffalo say to her son before he went to school?
Answer: Bison!
Question: What has 4 wheels, gives milk, and eats grass.
Answer: A cow on a skateboard.
Question: Why don’t bears wear shoes?
Answer: What’s the use; they’d still have bear feet!
Question: What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?
Answer: A shampoodle!
Question: What does a calf become after its 1 year old?
Answer: 2 years old.
Question: How do you know an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
Answer: There are footprints in the butter.
Question: Why does a giraffe have such a long neck?
Answer: Because his feet stink!
Question: What’s a dog’s favourite food for breakfast?
Answer: Pooched eggs.
Question: What do you give a pig with a rash?
Answer: Oinkment.
Question: What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?
Answer: Use a pen.
Question: What are black and white, black and white, black and white and green?
Answer: Three skunks fighting over a pickle!
Question: What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?
Answer: A computer mouse.
Question: What do you call a dog with a Rolex?
Answer: A watch dog.
Question: What pine has the longest needles?
Answer: A porcupine.
Question: What’s worse than a centipede with athlete’s foot?
Answer: A porcupine with split ends!
Question: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Answer: The chicken wasn’t around yet.
Question: What kind of cars do cats drive?
Answer: Catillacs!
Question: What do you call a deer that costs a dollar?
Answer: A buck.
Question: What’s a frog’s favorite drink?
Answer: Croak-a-cola.
Question: What’s an alligator’s favorite drink?
Answer: Gator-Ade.
Question: What do you call snake with no clothes on?
Answer: Snaked.
Question: What did the dog say to the flea?
Answer: Stop bugging me!
Question: Where do cows go on Saturday night?
Answer: To the mooooooovies.
Question: Wh
at do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?
Answer: A try and try and try-ceratops!
Question: What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo?
Answer: A Broncosaurus or a Tyrannosaurus Tex.
Question: What has ears like a cat and a tail like a cat, but is not a cat?
Answer: A kitten.
Question: Who makes dinosaur clothes?
Answer: A dino-sewer.
Question: What did the snail say when he got on the turtle’s shell?
Answer: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Question: Where do sheep get their hair cut?
Answer: At the baa-baa shop.
Question: Why can’t hippos ride bicycles?
Answer: Bike helmets don’t fit hippos!
Question: What’s a puppy’s favorite kind of pizza?
Answer: Pupperoni.
The Ultimate Animal Joke Book Page 1
