by Mia Monroe
I rub my forehead. If I come back, eventually my and Arian’s paths may cross again, and I’ll be faced with the fallout. After it all happened, and I realized the extent of the damage, I found myself paralyzed, unable to move forward. I know I could have called Bobby, but I didn’t want to put him in the position of taking on an underdog. It’s a strange thing to go from the height of your career to the bottom of it in a matter of months. I never want that to happen again.
Maybe the best thing I can do for myself right now is to forget about performing for now, I don’t want to suck Bentley into the problems I’ve created. He’s too sweet. Too fresh to ruin so early on. As much as I would love to help him in his journey, maybe that’s not my role in his life. Maybe my role is to watch him fly and accept that my time has passed. As depressing as that is.
My phone rings, and I sigh when I see the caller ID. It’s Matteo, my oldest pre-porn-career friend. I love him like a brother, but talking to him always feels like pouring alcohol in the thousand paper cuts I bear. His dream career is thriving, he has a loving relationship, and he’s one of the happiest guys I’ve ever met. I always feel a little insufficient. But he’ll keep calling if I don’t answer, so here we go, and, really, it’s my problem.
“Hey, Matty,” I answer.
“Legend, my man. How’s it hanging?”
“Beautifully and to the left as always.”
Matteo laughs. “Excellent. Seriously though, how are you?”
“Decent, all things considered. You?”
“I’m arriving in LA tomorrow.”
I perk up. “For?”
“You won’t fucking believe it, but I’m telling you anyway.”
“Hit me.”
“Business is booming, man. Market research shows there’s an opportunity to expand in the LA metro area. My business partner Lake and I agree that I should scout it.”
“Dude. Seriously? Who would run it?”
“Maybe you.”
“Matty. I don’t know shit about running a sensual photography studio.”
“I would teach you.”
I shake my head. “Anyway, what time are you coming down?”
“Morning. Can I crash at your place?”
“Stupid fucking question. I’ll go out with you if you want company.”
“I sure do.” His pause piques my curiosity. “I’m, um, thinking of a permanent move if things work out down there.”
“What? You could have led with that. What about James?”
“Yeah, about that. We’re taking a break.”
My heart plummets. “Oh no. Why?”
“He’s just looking for something different. We love each other, but what we need doesn’t match up.”
“I thought he came around to the Daddy stuff.”
“So did I. He told me last Saturday that he finds it oppressive.”
“Fuck.”
Matteo loves James. So much so that he tried to bury his Daddy needs. They agreed to meet in the middle, but I guess that hasn’t been working.
“I’m sorry, dude. I know he means a lot to you.”
“Yeah.” His normally happy voice cracks. “It’s better this way though. If I’m not what he needs, then what’s the point, right?”
“You need to rephrase that, my friend. If he’s not what you need, then what’s the point?”
“I guess. It sucks, man. I gave him everything I had. Now I’m just...lost.”
“If anyone understands how you feel, it’s probably me. All I can tell you is that it gets better. The relentless thoughts of what you could have done differently start to fade. Little by little, you begin to discover yourself again. The things you gave up for that person, seduce you once more. Eventually, they aren’t the first thing you think of when you wake up or the last thought before you fall asleep. But it takes time.”
“If I wasn’t there for you enough after Arian, I’m sorry. I was in my own shit.”
“Apology not needed. That’s what’s awesome about our friendship. No matter what, it’s always there.”
“Yeah. I figure LA might be a good change of pace. I can lose myself in something I’ve always loved, and rebuild.”
“And I’m here.”
“That’s the other reason. Speaking of, what are you doing these days?”
“Considering next steps. I met someone who’s just getting his feet wet in the industry. Directing. There’s something in me that wants to help him succeed. I miss being part of it, you know?”
“But not ready to perform?”
“I don’t think so. He’s truly talented though. Maybe I could help.”
“So I should give up thoughts of luring you to be part of my studio?”
I chuckle. “Everything is up in the air.”
“I get it. Dating?”
“Uh, the same person. You can understand my hesitance.”
“Oh, yeah. Fuck, dude. Once bitten?”
“He’s the extreme opposite of Arian. He’s the sweetest, most submissive soul, but he’s funny and passionate. We hung out last night and part of today and, Matty, I’m telling ya, he restored part of me.”
“That’s awesome, but you don’t sound happy.”
“Nervous. I don’t want to fuck anything up for him. He thinks I walk on water, but we both know that I don’t.”
“Is he a boy?”
“To his core, but not a little. He’s got an interesting service kink. I just want to be who he thinks I am. I want to be what he needs.”
“Okay, well, I’m gonna be a dick and flip this around on you like you did to me. You should want him to be what you need too. You went wrong by letting that devious twink run the show. There’s nothing wrong with putting your needs first. It’s a lesson I need to learn myself.”
“We’re a mess, aren’t we?”
Matty laughs. “Fuck. We are. There’s hope though. Right?”
The way his voice catches on that last word tugs at my heart for him. “Yeah, there’s tons of hope. I can’t wait to see you. It’s been way too long.”
“I agree. Can I meet this new boy of yours?”
“I’ll ask him. His name is Bentley.”
“Cute.”
“Wait till you see him. You’ll be itching to get your camera on him. He’s so beautiful, but not like Arian. His beauty was curated, manufactured. Bentley’s is...otherworldly. He’s like an angel sent to heal me.”
“I definitely need to meet the kid making you speak all poetic and shit.”
I laugh. “It was a pretty magical evening.”
“Looking forward to hearing more. See you tomorrow AM.”
“Awesome.”
After hanging up with Matteo, I lie back on the couch. There are probably more pros to working with Bentley than cons, but I want to be thoughtful about this. For once, I need to think with my head and not follow my heart. My heart is a sucker for pretty boys and porn.
Twelve
Bentley
Once I’m home, I pull out my phone to text Legend to let him know I arrived safely. Thankfully, it’s a quiet day on the block, which is not always the case, but Ramos is here. He’s my friend. Weirdly. Why a tough drug dealer wants to be my guardian angel is beyond me, but I’ll take his protection. I’ve needed it more than once.
I open my laptop and start to read my email. There’s one from this up-and-coming kid named Jax. He’s said yes to my request. I send back a reply to arrange a meeting time.
As I sit on my shabby couch, my thoughts drift back to Legend, but I try to push them away. Just for now. I hated leaving him, afraid the spell would be broken and he’d never ask me to return again, but he kept saying things like “next time,” so I hope he means it. I shake my head. I have to work and then check in with my parents. But before I do that, I need to call Finn.
Just as I’m about to scroll for his name, a text comes in from Legend.
Legend: Thank you, sweet boy. I’m glad you’re home safely. I’m still thinking about our time toge
ther. Would you like to see me again?
Is he kidding?
Me: Is the sky blue? Is the sun hot? Is real estate in LA too damn expensive?
Legend sends a laughing emoji and then…
Legend: Cheeky boy, but you make me feel good. I’ll call soon.
Me: Okay, Daddy. I miss you already.
It takes a few minutes for him to answer, which makes me worry. Did I push too hard by saying I miss him?
Legend: I miss you too, sweet boy.
My body sags with relief. He misses me too. Last night was everything, but this morning, he was so sweet and affectionate that I wanted to cry. He’s everything I’ve always hoped I could find, and now I just need to not fuck it up like I always do.
I go back to looking for Finn’s number. It rings a few times, but then he answers.
“Bents?”
“Hi, Finny. How are you?”
“Good. You?”
“Things are okay. How’s school?”
“Hard.” He laughs, but I hear the strain in his voice. “I had to drop to part-time.”
“Aw, man, I’m sorry. Not getting better?”
“No, worse. Maybe three months.”
My chest tightens for my friend. His father has been dying for two years, but sometimes he improves, giving us all hope that he’ll pull through. The last I heard, he was going downhill, and I guess that continued.
“Do you need me to come? You know I will in a heartbeat.”
“I know, but I don’t want you to come. It’s sad here. He’s so medicated now that he’s not really awake anymore. I just hang around for those brief moments when he does wake up so he’s not alone, you know?”
“Yeah.”
Finn’s mom left years ago when Finn was still a teen. It’s just been him and his dad, but then his dad was diagnosed with a rare, inoperable cancer.
“Is there anything I can do, Finn?”
“Maybe, um, maybe I can visit you when he goes?”
“That door is always open. You know that.”
“Yeah.” His voice perks up a little. “Will you come for the funeral?”
“Of course. I’m really sorry.”
“Thanks. I’m okay though. I’ve had time to make peace with it all. I’m just kind of waiting now.”
“Still sucks.”
“It does. How are things there? Making any amazing movies?”
“Soon. Getting there. Um, you know that one guy I’ve been into for a long time?”
“Legend? Of course I know.”
“I met him.”
“Really? Sweet. Is he cool?”
“Yeah. Finny, I spent the night with him last night.”
“What? Dude! Was it awesome?”
“Very. He’s a total Daddy in real life, but a sweet one.”
He gasps. “Lucky boy.”
“Yeah. I think he wants to see me again.”
“That’s great. Don’t be nervous, okay? If he’s the Daddy for you, he’ll totally get you.”
I exhale. “I hope so. I like him so much.”
“Good. Just take it easy. It’ll work out if it’s meant to.”
“You’re right. Keep me posted, huh? I’ll check in next Sunday.”
“Thanks. It’s always good to hear from you. It’s grounding for me.”
“I know. Love you, Finny.”
“Love you too, Bents.”
I hang up, but my heart is heavy. I tried to get Finn to move out here with me, he was even encouraged by his father, but he couldn’t accept leaving his dad alone. I guess it worked out. I was only here a little while before his dad was diagnosed. I need to make sure I keep enough money in savings to buy a plane ticket when the time comes.
I busy myself with reading the rest of my emails, then I start gathering my laundry. I’ve put it off for more than a week already. I hate the laundry room in this building. It’s where a lot of bad things happen. Drug deals, fights, I even heard a woman was attacked there. Before heading out, I peek out my window, smiling when I see Ramos in his usual spot on the steps. Keys, phone, and laundry basket in hand, I make my way down the hall and the stairs, stopping to peer outside.
“Hi, Ramos.”
He twists around to look at me, smiling. “Hey, Little Bento. What’s up?”
“Going to do laundry.”
He nods, popping to his feet. “I got you. Let’s go.”
“Thanks.”
Ramos comes inside and we head down to the basement laundry room. Thankfully, it’s clear. I appreciate that Ramos comes with me, but he still scares me a little when he makes people leave. I guess that’s why they listen to him.
I throw my clothes in the wash then sit in a beat-up chair while Ramos looks at his phone, typing out text messages.
“Hey, Bento,” he says, glancing up.
“Yes, Ramos?”
“Don’t you got a better place you could live? I don’t mind looking out for you, man, but this place ain’t somewhere you should be.”
“I know. This city is just expensive, and I’m trying to get my business going.”
He nods, focusing on me for a minute. “Yeah, man, I know the hustle. I just wouldn’t like it if I wasn’t around and someone gave you a hard time. You don’t have no friends or nothing you could stay with?”
“I sort of have a boyfriend now.”
He nods, smiling at me. “Hey now. Little Bento got a man?”
“Kind of, but it’s new. He does live in a really big house, but there’s no way I could ask. Maybe in a few months.”
“Cool, cool. I got a few months. I ain’t complaining. You’re a good kid. Remind me of my little bro.”
“What happened to him?”
“Ah, he moved. Smart kid. Went to college and shit. You go to college?”
I nod. “Yeah. Art school.”
“See. You’re smart. You’re gonna do things with your life.”
The washer buzzes, so I hurry to move my clothes to the dryer.
“Why don’t you leave this neighborhood? You’re a good guy.”
Ramos smiles. “Nah, kid, I’m not. Maybe one of these days I’ll get my shit together. I’m a good cook, you know? Think I could open up a little restaurant or a food truck or something. Those are popular.”
“They are.”
He shrugs. “Maybe. Not like I could go just get a job, you know? I got a record. Got all these tattoos. People are scared of me.”
“Yeah.”
“But I could be my own boss.” He pats his fist twice over his heart. “Like I am now, but you know, on the up.”
“Right.”
His phone rings, and he answers, turning his back to me. Fortunately, it doesn’t take much longer for my clothes to finish, and by the time I throw them in my basket, Ramos is done with his call.
“I’m all done.”
“Cool.”
We walk back upstairs, the light in the stairwell flickering above us. This apartment building absolutely looks like a place where people get murdered. A shiver runs down my back. I just want to get back to my apartment.
On the landing, I pause. “Thanks, Ramos. I believe in you. Someday, you’re gonna get that restaurant.”
He laughs. “Yeah, I am. And you’re gonna be big time.”
I wave goodbye, then head up to my apartment. I don’t know what I’d do without Ramos, but I never want to find out.
Thirteen
Legend
Later that afternoon, I find myself restless. I just saw the boy, but I’m craving his company or at least the sound of his voice. Plus, I could ask him about meeting Matteo tomorrow. It’s kind of a big step, meeting friends, but I feel like this is a safe one. If Bentley becomes a permanent part of my life, I want him to know my closest friend and vice versa.
Since I have zero chill, I dial his number. It rings several times before his breathless voice comes through.
“Legend?”
“Hi, pretty boy. How are you?”
“Um, good
.”
I hear something in the background that I can’t make out.
“Is something going on there?”
“Oh, um, yeah, something outside. Car accident maybe?”
“Ah, but you’re okay inside?”
“Yeah.”
Something about his voice is bothering me.
“Tell me the truth, boy.”
His breath hitches. “Daddy-voice.” He laughs softly. “I’m okay, Daddy. I promise. I was distracted looking outside.”
“Where do you live?”
“Hollywood.”
I cringe. “Is it safe?”
“Yes, Daddy. I’m safe. What are you doing?”
“I had a question for you. My friend is coming down from San Francisco tomorrow. He’ll be hanging out for a few days. Would you like to meet him?”
“Would I like to meet your friend?”
“That’s right. He’s my dearest.”
“You want me...to meet him?”
“I do. What do you think?”
“I think that would be amazing, Daddy.”
“Good. I’ll call you when I know more. What are you doing?”
“Um, I called my friend. His name is Finn. He lives back home in Ohio. His dad is dying.”
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Yeah. He doesn’t have long, so I’ll need to go out there when he goes.”
“Of course.”
“But then I hope Finn will come back here.”
“That sounds nice. It’s good to have friends.”
“Yes. Oh, I have talent signed up for my next shoot.”
“Do you?”
“Yeah. His name is Jax. He’s just getting started, which is great for me because I don’t have to pay him much yet.”
“Oh great, when are you doing that?”
“Hopefully this week.”
“Awesome. Would you be open to me coming and watching a shoot?”
“Are you kidding me?” Bentley questions. “You want to come and watch me?”
“I do, unless you’re not open to that.”
“No. I mean, yes. Of course I’m open to it. I think that would be amazing. I would love for you to see how I work.”
