by Leaona Luxx
“I’ll never do it again, I swear. I can’t handle feeling this way.” Once I’ve finished my glass, sleep comes fast and easy. I’m not even fighting it; I need to forget.
The next morning, Doc wakes me by stepping on my chest, on her way to the door. As if the foot in breadbasket wasn’t enough, she jars the windows with her barking.
“I suppose you need the bathroom?” I peel open an eye to look at her. She answers with another demand. I drag ass out of the couch, which was the second-worst mistake I’ve made in the last few days.
I reach for the handle when my phone chimes. At this point, I may never drink again. I stumble to the table, yanking it up. Doc is still yelling at me, so I haul ass out the door while answering the phone.
“Yep! I’m here.”
“Good morning, sunshine.” Mark’s deep and sarcastic tone booms over through the receiver. “We’re all on pins and fucking needles over here to find out if you got laid or spade this weekend.”
There’s a noise and suddenly, Lee. “I told him what to say, but the last part was his idea.”
“You know, you can put cells on speaker, and everyone can hear the conversation?”
“Yeah, he got nowhere. He’s too damn crabby for a man that got lit this weekend.” Quinn grumbles in the background.
I set my fists on my side, sighing loudly. “Again, folks. Once it’s on speaker, I can hear everything.”
“Give me the phone,” Lee insists. A few seconds and a muffled phone later. “what happened?”
“Ughh. Everything. Nothing.” I groan.
“It seems we’ve been here before. I might need a little more detail.”
“Honestly, Lee… I love you. All of you, but this is beyond most understanding. Including mine.” How do I say I freaked out? That I’m worried about hurting her? Most of all, how can I give myself to someone when I don’t even know who it is I’m offering?
“CREED!” Lee yells.
I hold the phone away from my ear, waiting for her to stop. “Why are you screaming?”
“I called your name no less than ten times. Why are you not answering?”
“I went down the rabbit hole like I have for days now.”
She releases a heavy sigh. “I think you should go talk to Drew. Although, I think you’re right.”
“Huh? I wasn’t expecting you to agree with me.”
“I can’t imagine what you’ve lived through. And though we’ve watched your transformation since you’ve been home, I’m not qualified to say you are capable of more.”
Wow. All of this time, I’ve been waiting for someone to understand where I’m coming from, then it happens, I’m fucking pissed about it. “Why now? After all the months of pushing me, telling me I need to live. Now, I should stop?”
“If you’re not prepared to face life when it knocks you down, you’re sure as hell not ready for the knockout blow. And that’s something I know a lot about.” Lee’s words sink like cement in my stomach. Anchoring me to the bottom of a sinking ship.
“Well, damn girl. You could’ve warned me the class was starting.”
“Wasn’t that ‘fingernails on a chalkboard’ enough for you?” She snickers.
“Yeah, I suppose it was.”
There’s a long pause before she finally speaks again. “Listen, life’s a shitshow at times. How we handle it, can often be just as bad. But I would rather die trying than live dying.”
“Are you sure you’re not a therapist?”
“I prefer… life coach!” Lee might be right this time, but as always, I live with the what-ifs.
“I’m at an impasse, Lee. Right now, living to die sounds so much safer than to die trying. Or worse, someone else dying because I had to try and live.”
She falls silent again. No doubt trying to come up with an excellent response, but this time, I think I’ve stumped her. “Talk to Drew. If he tells you to stop trying, no harm. But if he says, keep on, then this is on you, and that might be harder to live with than anything else.”
“Are we even friends? Why in the hell do I let you do this to me?” Her laugh is sweet, with a slight lilt and lifts my spirits.
“Talk later.” I end the call, taking Doc back home to get cleaned up myself. Now that she’s relieved herself, Doc’s ready to run. Me, not so much, and she practically drags my ass home.
Later that afternoon, I hit Drew up to meet me for a drink. Okay, I’ll buy him one, I’m still green around the gills.
Creed: I need a friend.
Drew: You’ve got it.
Creed: Hot Tuna @6?
Drew: I’m there.
Creed: ‘preciate it.
Drew: Np.
“Shower and toothpaste have got to make me feel somewhat human. I’ll be back.” I wink at Doc as she settles in at the foot of the bed.
By fifteen till six, I’m saddled up to the bar, watching the door. He’s usually late, I’m hoping that’s not the case today. I might chicken out if so. I keep nursing my fizzy drink, the bartender is not at all happy about it either.
“Hey!” Drew throws his hand in the air as he fights through the crowd.
“You’re early!” I extend my hand, waiting for his. He takes it, laughing.
“I came early, it sounded important.”
“My text sounded important. That’s different.”
He cuts his eyes at me. “You know what the hell I mean.”
“I do,” I chuckle, hailing the barkeep. “What’ll you have?”
“Old fashioned and a table.”
I scan the place, spotting an empty booth in the corner. “There… I’ll grab the drinks.”
“Good deal.”
I order and pay for our beverages, joining him after. He reaches for the glass as I sit down across from him. My hand trembles, and he pretends not to notice. Drew’s more than just a good man, he’s the epitome of one.
“Should I start with the weather or a good ole fishing story?” He chides, knowing damn well he’s breaking the ice but allowing me to do it in my own time.
“Weather.” I shake my head, chuckling. “It was a total fucking disaster, man.”
His eyes widen. “That’s a broad statement, care to elaborate.”
“I couldn’t do it. I sat there with both of them, and I froze. My mind replayed the vivid dreams I had while in that fucking hole. It was like a kaleidoscope of fighting and failures. I couldn’t control my thoughts; my mind was everywhere. So, I bailed.”
Drew blinks rapidly, his mouth slightly ajar. “You left them? Did you explain why?”
“No.” My heart is in my throat, choking the hell out of me. I swallow hard, pushing the taste of self-loathing from my mouth. “What’s to say? I’m fucked up, and it’s best I’m not around you.”
“You could’ve tried to tell her a little about yourself. Maybe given her the chance to decide if she wanted to be friends, it’s how it’s done everywhere around the world.”
I hate him. Mostly, because he’s right but mainly because he’s cocky as hell when he is. “I may have never been in a relationship before, but I damn well understand how they work.”
“So, what now?”
I fall back against the seat. “What in the hell are you talking about? There’s not a snowballs chance in hell I’m going to try again. She’ll think I’m insane!”
“She won’t be wrong, just a little off as to why you are.” He leans forward, setting his glass down. “Off the record, but there’s no getting away from the therapeutic side here… what made you stop?”
I lower my head, averting my eyes. He needs to hear this, I’m not sure I can though. It’s one of the few things I’ve held back on, burying it deep in hopes I wouldn’t ever have to talk about it.
I open my mouth, feeling the word roll off my tongue. This is it. Once it’s out there, I can never take it back. “Fear.”
“Admitting you think about it or have some form of it, is a step toward conquering the issue. So, you know I’m going to ask, ar
e you talking about possible flashbacks or triggers?”
“Yeah, a little.” I raise my head, rolling the tension from my neck. “The thing is, once I was around Kathryn and Crawford, I came face to face with one of my many… fears.”
He steeples his fingers, prodding for me to go on. “Which was what? Did they make you feel uncomfortable or uneasy in any way?”
“No, just the opposite. Everything felt familiar and yet, so fucking irritating because I couldn’t remember anything. I watched their lives play out in the reflection of their eyes. I stood there, bearing witness to their pain, and couldn’t give them what they needed most… me.”
Drew studies me, taking in my every move. The furrow in his brow, warns me he’s preparing his words carefully. “You’re afraid they’ll want more from you, maybe expect more than you’ll be prepared to give?”
“If I had it to give, I would, but having to face them day in and day out, needing their son or who I used to be, I’m afraid they’ll give up on me. I’m scared they’ll not want the person I am now because I may never be the Creed they used to have.”
“Creed, most parents are perfectly happy if their child is safe and happy. Why do you think they’ve never pushed you to visit? Their only hope has ever been for you to be alive and happy. They’ve never made it about themselves, even when Crawford gave up his seat, it wasn’t for show or to be a martyr.” His eyes search mine for understanding. “Their love for you was greater than any other thing on earth, for you to be alive was most important.”
I shut my eyes, banishing Scarlet from my mind, only to have my parents to flood my every thought. It’s of no use, I can’t run anymore, I have to face it all. I open my mouth, baring my soul with each formed word.
“But I’m not, I don’t feel like I’m living. It’s like my puzzles, a piece missing, never fully complete. It’s been one thing to have my dreams filled with the anxiety of being someone I’m not, but now I know I’ll never be complete without all my pieces fitting together.”
“Maybe it’s time to set the final one in so you can see the entire image.” He lifts his hand as if to say, ‘whatcha think?’
“You could be right, but now I need to figure out how Scarlet fits in or if she even does.”
Chapter Fifteen
Scarlet
“Hey, you forgot to sign Polka Dots chart.” Amy slides the folder in front of me, which I mindlessly scribble on. As I push it back to her, she waves her hand in front of my face. “Earth to Scar, are you there?”
“Sorry.” I spin my chair around. “I had the worst weekend, can’t seem to shake it.”
She skips around my desk, grinning. “Does it have anything to do with Hottie Hatcher you were spotted having breakfast with Sunday morning?”
“What?” I sit ramrod straight, panic shooting through me. “Who? What? How did anyone see us? It was so early. What did they say? Do they know either of us? Him in particular?”
She backs away, holding up her hands as I pepper her with questions. “Hold up! I saw you… on my walk of shame after a slightly wild Saturday night.”
“Oh, okay.” I release the breath I had been holding. “Sounds like fun.”
“Not really, but I guess so if we’re comparing it to yours.”
I stick my tongue out at her. “Yes… yes… yes, we all know I don’t have a life. And no, he left before the food even made it to the table.”
“Dang, girl! Ya gotta let a man get his grub on before you run him off. Poor guy left hungry and horny.”
“He did not!”
She shrugs. “Did he eat… anything?”
“I hate you.” I spring from my chair, storming past her as I mumble, “Not a damn thing.”
“Not because he didn’t want to, he was looking at you like you were gonna be his afternoon delight!”
My mouth hangs open before I can gather my thoughts. “Amy, if you could read the mind of men so well, why do you pick the worst ones?”
“Make no mistake, I pick the fun ones.” She winks, gliding past me like the hooch she is. I love her hot ass too.
The afternoon flies by with one emergency after the other. I don’t mind being busy, it helps the day go quickly, but the minute I sit down, I’m totally exhausted and ready for sleep.
On my way home, I allow myself to daydream. Thinking of celebrating Emmie’s birthday, about how much she’ll enjoy Halloween and Christmas this year. My heart dared to hope of happiness for the future.
Turning down my street, I look toward my home, waiting for it to come into view. There’s an SUV parked by the curb in front of it, and I’m immediately hesitant.
The closer I get, the slower I drive until I come to a complete stop beside the parked vehicle. The window rolls down, and a smile spreads from one side of his chiseled jaw to the other.
His brows raise as he stares at me, grinning, finally motioning with his hand for me to lower my window. I do as he asks, gaping as the scene unfolds with me as a spectator—a very giddy voyeur.
“Hey,”
“I hope you don’t mind; I’m wondering if we can talk.” His voice is rough, deep, and alluring. Yeah, I’m sprung. I’m also in a lot of trouble, he’s everything I don’t need right now but so much of what I’m missing.
“Sure, I just need to allow my sitter to leave.” I pause. “You know, Emmie’s gonna be here. Are you okay with that?”
He slowly nods with a lopsided grin. “As long as she understands, nothing is going to happen between us. We can only be friends.”
“It takes a strong man to turn her down, good luck!” I giggle, albeit nervously. He’s like a different man, and it’s a little unsettling. I can’t help but wonder if this is a part of his injury.
“I’ll take my chances.” He bites his lip, continuing to smile coyishly. His smile makes me sigh. Stop, Scar! Don’t think about his smile.
“Just remember, I warned you.” I pull into the drive, trying to watch as he exits his SUV. I slam mine in park, hurrying out, so I can meet him by the steps.
“Nice place,” he jerks his head toward the water. “near the beach too.”
“Thank you, we like it.” I move to the porch, reaching for the door. “You didn’t bring Doc with you?”
“Ahh, no. I thought this was best left to us, so I left her with Crawford and Kathryn.” He steps toward me, grabbing the handle and crowding me against the wall. “Let me get that for you.”
“Umm, yeah. Thank you again.”
“After you,” he widens the door as I walk in.
I slip my shoes off, setting my things down by the door. “Please, come in.”
“This place is amazing.”
Michelle saunters in from the kitchen. “Hi! I’m Michelle, the sitter.”
“Hey, Chelle. I’m Creed, crazy dog dad.”
“Well, you’ve followed the right person home.” Michelle giggles, bumping into my shoulder. I’m smiling at her nickname Creed has given her. “I’ll get my things, Emmie’s still awake.”
I turn to Creed; he’s still standing by the door. “Please, make yourself at home while I go change and check on her.”
“Take your time.” He nods, kicking his shoes off. Michelle’s face brightens as she passes me in the hall, and I chuckle. She spins, following me through the house.
“What is going on?” The words are out of her mouth before the door shuts behind her.
I yank a hoodie and shorts from my chest, running in the bathroom to change. “I don’t have a clue, but I’m about to find out.”
“He’s gorgeous, and if you tell me you hadn’t noticed, I’ll be inclined to believe Amy.”
I jerk my clothes off, pull on the clean ones, and wash my face. I start to join Michelle in the bedroom but stop. I stare at myself in the mirror, at first, I thought about brushing my hair and teeth, but there’s no reason to.
I drag the door open, walking past Michelle. “Yes, he is but I can’t. There’s no way anything is going to happen between Creed Hatche
r and me.”
“Scar…” Michelle stops short of saying the one thing she knows I refuse to hear. I avoid looking at her as tears well and threaten to escape. I can’t fight them, but I try willing them away.
“I’ll see you tomorrow morning, same time, alone.”
She frowns as I stroll past and follows me out. “Love you party pooper.”
“Love you!” I whisper as she passes, peeking in on Emmie. She’s sound asleep now, and I’m beginning to wish I were too. I leave the door slightly ajar, creeping through to get a look at him.
He adjusts his position, moving one way and then the other. Odd, but then again, what do I know? I ease through, stepping into the kitchen before letting him know I was behind him.
“Would you like a drink?”
He whirls around, scanning the room until he finds me. “Do you have a beer?”
“I do not, but I do have a nicely chilled red wine.” I pull two glasses from the cabinet, turning to find Creed opening the bottle.
“I suppose it’s time to explain why I’m here.” He pours the wine, handing me a glass before getting his own. I brush past him and walking into the family room with him on my heels.
“Considering the fact you bolted out the door the last time I saw you… yeah!” I giggle, plopping down into the couch. Creed sits across from me, angling his body so he can face me. I follow his lead, curling my legs under my body.
“Funny,” he chuckles. “I don’t remember it that way.”
“I guarantee that had I taken a picture, there would’ve been smoke comin’ off you!”
He blushes, flashing that killer smile of his. “So not true, I wasn’t running that fast. Just a jog.”
“But you can admit, you were tearin’ up the road.”
He shakes his head, knowing I’m right and he’s never going to win. “Fine! I… might’ve… left abruptly.”
