by Maisey Yates
Neither of her fathers had been able to offer her love. But Dane didn’t seem to be able to offer it either. And that... She was sure if there was a difference to be had in all the world that was it.
No one seemed to be able to give that to her. Not to her.
“I have to go,” she said.
“What if I just didn’t go away, Bea? What then?”
“You will,” she said, and of all the things she had said in the last few hours, this was the thing she was most certain of. “You’ll go away, because everyone does. And the only ones who don’t are miserable. Go agent, Dane. Find that life again.”
“That isn’t what I’m trying to do. I have to do something...”
“Do you? Because to me it all just seems like you’re planning your exit strategy.”
The glare he gave her then was so cold it hurt. And she regretted her words then. Regretted that she’d said anything because those words had been designed to hit their mark and they had.
“When you have all the choices opened up in front of you I don’t think you’re ever going to be sorry that you didn’t stay with the weird girl in the cabin in the woods. And I’ll never be sorry that I didn’t give up my life.”
“Okay, if that’s how you feel.” He sat in the truck, didn’t get out, didn’t make a move toward opening the door for her like he usually did. So she opened it herself.
“But to be clear,” Dane said. “I never asked you to give up your life. I asked you to add me to it. You’re the one who doesn’t believe me. You’re the one who doesn’t trust me. You’re the one who’s still scared, Beatrix Leighton. But you’re stronger than you think you are. And if you ever learn to let go of all that fear, the world is going to tremble at all your strength. Honey, maybe it won’t be me that will make you figure that out. But someday you will. I’d like to be around when you do, except I’m afraid that whatever bastard finally unlocks it in you... I’m just gonna want to kill him.”
“It won’t happen,” she said.
“I hope that’s not true.”
She opened her mouth to say something about how they could still be friends. Because that was what they were supposed to do. It had been the agreement. That they were going to do this and then be friends.
But that had been the rationale of the woman she’d been before. The one who hadn’t understood what she was walking into.
As she knew now, that it was impossible. This had been the kind of affair that destroyed more than it built. And that made her desperately sad. Because for a while she had imagined that all of this was just going to open her up, teach her new things about herself.
But she’d been wrong.
It had brought her to the edge of something she was too afraid to step into.
And maybe he was right. Maybe she was afraid. Maybe that’s all it was.
But fear kept you alive. That was one thing she knew for sure.
She blinked, trying to alleviate the stinging in her eyes.
“Well, how about you remember that we could have still been together for a while if you weren’t so hell-bent on changing me, and so unwilling to change yourself. So unwilling to offer me anything but a rodeo star I didn’t even ask for. Maybe you should think about that.” She got out, slammed the door and stomped into her cabin. Evan came inside behind her, and she ignored him. She ignored everything. She went into her bedroom and curled up in the center of the mattress and dissolved completely. She cried like she was breaking apart and she didn’t know why. Because she had made the choice. She had decided.
And it was the biggest fight of her life not to fling herself out the front door and go after him.
She was safe inside of her cabin. At least that’s how it was supposed to feel. But she didn’t feel safe at all. Instead, she felt sad.
And she was struck by the realization that her life hadn’t changed at all, but something had changed inside of her all the same.
The walls of her cabin no longer felt like a haven—they felt like they were crushing her.
And still, so much of her would rather be crushed by the walls than crushed by Dane.
And she knew that he would crush her eventually. Because if he didn’t love her, all the determination and promises in the world wouldn’t make this enough.
She had to keep on believing that. Because the alternative was that she’d just walked away from her best chance at happiness. Because she was too afraid. And that was too terrifying to consider.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
“HOW’S THIS FOR a plot twist, Lindy,” Dane said as he walked into his sister’s house without knocking. “She broke my heart.”
“She... What?” Lindy came running out from the kitchen and into the main part of the house, her expression one of shock.
“I asked her to move in with me. She told me no. She’s fine. She’s fine, because she has her animals and her cabin. And I’m not fucking fine. I’m the furthest thing from it.”
He walked into the living room and sank down onto the couch, ignoring the twisting pain in his knee that told him he’d been moving too quickly. Hell, it barely matched the pain in his chest. It was a helluva thing.
“So she...”
“She rejected me. I asked her to move in with me and she said no. Because she said that someday I was just going to leave her. That I was going to choose money over her. Can you believe that?”
“Well, what did you offer her?”
He stared at his sister, who clearly thought he was an asshole even when he was heartbroken. Which was just great. “I offered her everything I have to give. My life. She’s scared, because I said that I was thinking about doing some agent thing in the rodeo, but that...”
Lindy’s lips pulled tight. “In fairness to her, she knew somebody who kind of sucks who used to do that.”
“I’m not Damien.”
“I know you’re not. And I think that Bea knows that too. But I would assume growing up in their house she has some other issues. I know Sabrina well enough to know her father was difficult. And as much as I don’t want to absolve Damien from his bad behavior, he didn’t spring up out of a hole in the ground. Something made him. The same things that made Bea.”
“I know she’s been through some things, but dammit. I have too.”
“And you’re expecting her to give up her life for you? What are you giving up for her?”
“Why does anyone have to give anything up?”
“Maybe no one has to. But the fact is, in her situation I would probably be afraid too. You never noticed her until you were stuck here. Until you had no other option but to hang out in Gold Valley for a while. And maybe that’s what you needed. But...”
“You’re supposed to be on my side,” he said.
“I actually am on your side. I believe you. I believe that you’re not going to be offering to share your space, to share yourself with somebody unless it’s serious. But that’s because I know where we come from. And I know... I know that we had a mother who didn’t care. And I know what it did to you when our father left. I know what it still does to you. But unless you’ve told her everything, she doesn’t know. What a road it’s been for either of us to love someone. To trust them. Dane, I get it. I really get it. But she has to get it.”
“I don’t know what to do beyond what I already said.”
“How committed are you to the life that you would have with her here?”
“What does that mean?”
“Are you willing to not go after the agent job? If she wants you to give it up, could you?”
“What does that leave me with?” he asked. “And I don’t mean from the perspective of...fulfilling, like, or whatever bullshit, I mean what does that...make me?”
Lindy looked down, then back up. “What if you only had you to offer her? What if you couldn’t offer her being married to a big
rodeo star? What if you have to accept that none of that is ever going to happen again? What if it’s just you, Dane? Can you offer her that? Not a chance at a better life in the way that you see a better life. Not the chance at more money. Not the show. The Dane Parker Show, which I am a particular fan of, but it’s a thing. Beatrix doesn’t care about that. And you know it. Can you come to her and just offer you?”
Fear slammed through him like a freight train. And it made him feel like a damned coward. But it was like being hunted down and captured, being asked to stare in the face of your worst nightmare.
Standing there, empty-handed, offering love that would never be enough.
“I’m not... I’m a piss-poor prize, Lindy. A busted-up rodeo cowboy with nothing to give. I live in your house. I don’t even have a house to offer her. Not one that’s mine. Not really.”
“What if you’re enough? What if it’s all the other stuff that’s getting in the way?”
“Lindy, if she doesn’t want me with all that other stuff...”
“Maybe it’s the other stuff that scares her.”
“I don’t know what else to do. I drove her to her test. I’ve supported her every step of the way. There is no way that just me... There’s no way.”
“Why not?”
“Because our own father didn’t stay. Our mother...she didn’t care. And Lindy, our dad did watch me. That was when he cared. Not when I stood in the driveway crying and saying I loved him and begging him not to leave. But when I made something of myself.”
Lindy shook her head. “Dane, the fact the boy crying in the driveway wasn’t enough to make Dad stay was a lack in him, not in you.”
He thought of what he’d say to Bea on the subject. What he had said. “I...”
“Did you tell Bea you loved her?”
“Why? When everything I have isn’t enough, why would those words be?”
“Because they’re everything, Dane. They’re what separate us from our parents. They’re what make us different. We’ve always loved each other, been there for each other. You thought nothing of dumping Damien as your agent when he hurt me. You know what love looks like. Why don’t you think you can have it?”
“You know why.”
“Dane, I’ve watched Bea watch you for the better part of a decade. That girl adores you. Everything about you. And it has nothing to do with money or success. It has everything to do with the man that you are. But I think you’re going to have to bring that to the table. And nothing more.”
“I used to think you were right. I used to think that she adored me enough that she would do anything for me.”
“Yeah, I think she did. When you were a fantasy. And now you’re real. And real is terrifying. Believe me, Dane, I’m well familiar with that. Wyatt was that for me. Unobtainable and out of reach and easy. Easy because I knew that I could never be with him. And then suddenly I could be. That requires compromise and change. And I don’t know that Bea has a lot of experience with compromise. You’re right. She’s a stubborn little thing. I think it’s going to take someone just a stubborn to get her to trust.”
“I don’t know how to do it.”
“You have to quit protecting yourself. Everything that’s in front of you... You have to let it go. Speaking as someone who’s done it, as someone who fully understands where you’re at. Who had her heart broken before she reached the happily-ever-after... Believe me. There has to be one person that’s willing to give. That’s willing to let it all go. To lay it all down. Someone has to move first, Dane. It’s a game of chicken that you can’t win. It’ll just be a stalemate, and everyone’s heart will be broken. Offer her everything. The life she wants. Love. Marriage. Offer her every damn thing that you are. I don’t even need to know what it is. It’s for her. She’s what matters.”
Dane’s heart began to beat faster. Like he was sitting on the back of a bull, waiting to get let out of the chute. He knew that she was right. He knew that he needed to do that. That he needed to let go. Of everything. He couldn’t hold Beatrix the way she deserved to be held as long as he was carrying around his own baggage. As long as he had one foot out on the road and one foot home.
He had to be able to answer her every fear, and mean it. Had to be able to prove to her that this was the life he wanted.
“I have some phone calls to make,” Dane said.
“Well, feel free to use the extra bedroom.”
Dane went into the bedroom and dialed Beatrix. He knew that she shouldn’t be his first call, but he couldn’t help himself. She didn’t answer.
Then he pulled up a number that he had told himself he wasn’t going to call.
He expected to get a voice mail. He was surprised when someone on the other end picked up.
“Hello?”
“Hi,” Dane said. “Dad. It’s Dane.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
THE DAY THAT Beatrix got her test results back she didn’t know how to feel. She should feel happy. She had worked so hard for this. And it had been such a whole big thing. A test, not just of her confidence in herself, but of her trust in the people who loved her.
Not Dane though. Dane hadn’t said he loved her.
Yeah, you didn’t say you loved him either.
She ignored that voice. That voice that was about her, and about what she had done to Dane. Thinking about him made her sick. It made her whole chest hurt. And looking at her test results didn’t help. She’d avoided everyone for days. She hadn’t wanted to face Lindy, hadn’t wanted to face Sabrina, or Kaylee, or anyone else for that matter.
She didn’t want to see Jamie and tell her that she’d been wrong. That the sex with Dane wasn’t fun, it had torn her heart out of her chest and left her feeling like a terrified weakling.
That it had taken a moment that should have been a triumph for her and turned it into something that didn’t seem to mean a damn thing.
And that shouldn’t be. She felt reduced.
Her life had been enough for her.
Liar.
She walked out of the cabin and looked around, eyeballing the various trails that led different directions into the woods behind her place. Spiderwebbing out and offering her a million different options for where she might go.
She took one of the trails she rarely ever used, following the rugged path through the woods, over a log that stretched across the narrow part of the creek and out to a small field. A little patch of sunlight offered a tall, weedy square of grass tangled with purple flowers that bloomed along the stem into a range of colors from a pale pastel to a vibrant shade.
This had been enough weeks ago. It had been. And now all she could think of was that this patch of grass felt lonely without Dane sitting next to her. That she would give away the warm sensation of the sun on her skin for a chance to feel his fingertips touching hers.
Maybe it wasn’t that this life, that this place, wasn’t enough. Maybe it was just that it felt empty without being able to share it with him.
He had called her the other day and she had ignored it. She had let it go straight to voice mail, because she had been too afraid that if she spoke to him she would burst into tears. That she would beg for him to come back, into her life, into her bed. And they would be right where they had left off. Because she would still be too afraid to give him...
To give him her love.
Because one day he would wake up and realize it wasn’t enough.
Or maybe he wouldn’t. Because maybe it’s not about life being enough. Maybe it’s about finding the person you want to share it with, whatever the circumstance.
She gritted her teeth and pushed herself into a standing position, brushing the dirt away from her skirt. A rogue tear tracked down her cheek and she brushed it away angrily, huffing as she did. She tramped straight past her cabin and back toward the winery. She was going to tell Lindy and Sabrina abou
t her triumph. About the way that she had managed to pass her exam, and that she was getting her vet tech certificate.
When she walked into the dining area, it was full of people, a bachelorette party, or something, chatting and enjoying flights of wine, and Bea wandered around the back of them, keeping out of view of the beautifully appointed tables and maneuvering through the restored wooden barn to the back rooms, where she knew she might find Lindy, and possibly her sister.
They were both there, standing in the doorway of Lindy’s office, and when Lindy saw her, her face pulled tight, her lips turning down into a frown. And she closed the space between them in a hurry and pulled Beatrix into an overly sympathetic hug.
“How are you?”
“I’m great and so very good,” Bea said, offering a fake and toothy smile. “I passed my final. Which is what I came to tell you. Because I got my certification to be a vet tech. So, I am set up to perform minor surgeries even on the animals that come through my sanctuary. So everything is just great.”
“It is not great,” Lindy said, smacking her on the shoulder with the back of her hand. “You broke up with my brother.”
Bea blinked. “Yes, but not everything is about him. I have a thing that’s happening that has nothing to do with him, and I’m telling you. Because you’re like my sister.”
“I can’t think about that when the fact that you broke my brother’s heart is the primary issue.”
“I managed to deal with you even though you broke up with my brother.”
“I didn’t say I wouldn’t deal with you,” Lindy said. “I love you. No matter what. But I love Dane too, and it kills me to see him like this. And it’s different because your brother is an asshole. Mine cares about you. And he didn’t cheat on you. And he would never cheat on you.”
Sabrina’s lips twitched. “Remember how you just said that you were not going to talk to Beatrix about Dane?”
“I lied,” Lindy said. “I didn’t mean to lie, but apparently I lied. Bea, I think that I’ve spent far too long underestimating you. Hello, I know I have. The look on my brother’s face when he came to my house the other day... Yes, I have severely underestimated you. But because of that, I’m not going to go easy on you now.”
