Pressing her against the door, their kiss grew deeper and became more urgent. Liam could barely breathe. Kissing Lexi was even better than he remembered. He was afraid this was all a dream, and he was going to wake up any moment.
“No, stop!” Lexi exclaimed, suddenly pulling away from Liam. “I can’t do this!”
“Lexi?” Liam asked breathlessly, the noise of his heart pounding in his ears almost deafening him. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
“This is,” she replied as once more tears danced in her eyes. “I know you don’t understand, and if I am honest, there is part of me that doesn’t understand this either. But I’m with Eric. He loves me, and he is a good man. I can’t hurt him like this. I can’t hurt anyone like that.”
“Like I hurt you?” Liam said, realising what she was talking about.
“Liam, I wasn’t talking about you,” Lexi said as the realisation of what she said filtered across her face.
“It’s okay, Lex,” Liam said, knowing he now needed to do the right thing. “I deserve it. And you’re right…”
“This is not about you,” Lexi cut in. “What happened between us… it took me so long to get over it. If I am honest, I don’t think I ever really did. But it was so much bigger than that one night.”
“But you still can’t forgive me for what I did,” Liam replied, sounding colder than he’d meant to.
“Well, if you believe that,” Lexi replied, looking almost as hurt as she had the night he told her about the girl he’d cheated with. “Then this was a far bigger mistake than I thought it was.”
She turned and reached for the handle of the door, as Liam realised he’d probably just fucked up whatever chance he had of winning her back now.
“Lexi, I’m sorry,” Liam said as she opened the door and walked out of his apartment. He released a long frustrated breath before he followed her out to the elevator. “Lex, please don’t leave like this.”
“I can’t stay,” she said without turning back to look at him. Instead, she tried to figure out how to open the elevator door. “It’s best I just go.”
She pulled and pulled at the elevator, but she couldn’t figure it out.
“DAMN IT!” She cried out in frustration.
“Let me,” Liam sighed, stepping forward, pulling open the elevator for her.
“Thank you,” Lexi whispered in a tiny voice before she stepped onto the elevator. Once she was inside, Liam pulled it down closed behind her.
Finally, she turned and looked at him as she reached for the lever. But she didn’t pull it straight down. Instead, she looked at Liam and gave him a sad smile.
“I know you think I still blame you for what happened that night,” she said, surprising him with her comment. “I know you think I can’t forgive you, and that there is a part of me that still hates you for what you did. But none of that is true. Sometimes things are far more complicated than they seem, and sometimes some things are better left in the past.”
Liam didn’t reply. If he was honest, he didn’t know what to say.
“For the record, I never stopped loving you,” Lexi continued. “And I never hated you. I never could.”
Without waiting for a reply, she pulled the lever for the lift, leaving Liam standing there, having no clue what the hell had just happened.
Chapter 11
Lexi
Stepping out into the night air, Lexi gasped for breath as a sob escaped from deep inside her. Her heart was breaking once more. She loved Liam, more than she ever loved any other person, but she was with Eric.
Eric was a good man. Lexi knew that he loved her unconditionally. She also knew that no matter what, he would never hurt her. Not like Liam had.
Not that she still blamed Liam. Lexi knew that he had made a huge mistake. One he would never forgive himself for. She knew that Liam was the one she was meant to be with. He was the one her heart truly belonged to. Still, she couldn’t be with him while she was still with Eric. She could never betray him like that. She could never hurt anyone the way Liam had hurt her.
She hated that Liam was so hurt by her rejection. She knew that there was nothing she could say to prove to him that she didn’t hate him for what he had done. That the reason she couldn’t be with him had nothing to do with that night.
As she stood in his apartment, and he begged her to give him a chance, she wondered if maybe she should have just told him the truth about the baby, and what had happened to her back then. She wished she could have just blurted it out, but she just couldn’t pick at that scab again. Losing the baby had almost killed her, in more ways than one. Talking about it now was just too hard.
No, she needed to let go of the past, even if that meant letting go of Liam too.
Lexi wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her coat as she tried to compose herself. She needed to pull herself together, get a cab, and just go home.
Stopping a passing cab, she hurried towards it, as it pulled up to the curb. Climbing into the back of the car, she gave the driver her address, then slumped back into the seat, wishing that the car was heading for New York and not just a few blocks across town.
As the car made its way along the quiet streets, Lexi closed her eyes and thought about everything that had happened that night. Her head and heart felt so full of a million thoughts and feelings; she felt like she was going to spin out of control and fall apart completely. Then she thought of the night she had left Liam five years earlier. As she recalled every little detail, her heart ached once more for the life she should have had. The one she had planned with Liam.
It had been a long week of photo shoots, and rushing about, and Lexi felt exhausted. It was also her mother’s birthday that week, and Lexi had to drive back home to visit for her birthday. Liam was supposed to go with her, but he couldn’t get time off from work, so she decided to make the trip alone.
Going home had always been something Lexi struggled with. When she was back home, she found her mother would become so attentive; it was almost suffocating. Also, her father would get on her case about her finally settling down and getting married; that living with a man she wasn’t married to wasn’t the kind of relationship he wanted for his little girl.
She was supposed to stay for the whole weekend, but by Saturday afternoon, she’d had enough, so she texted Liam to tell him she was heading home early.
She hadn’t thought much about it at the time, but Liam didn’t text straight back like he usually did. She knew he was working, so he was probably too busy to reply, but when she arrived back, and she still hadn’t heard from him, she was starting to get a little worried.
She had no clue where he was, and the later it got, and the longer he didn’t answer her calls, Lexi had all but convinced herself that something bad had happened.
It was a little after eleven p.m. when she heard the front door open, startling her from a restless sleep. She had fallen asleep on the sofa, waiting for Liam.
She climbed up from the sofa and hurried out to the hallway, where she found a miserable looking Liam slipping off his jacket. Without even thinking, she hurried to him, wrapping her arms around him.
“Hey!” He exclaimed with fright, surprised to find her in the apartment. “What are you doing here?”
“I missed you too much,” she said holding him tightly. “So I came home. Then I got so worried when I didn’t hear from you, I thought something bad had happened.”
Liam didn’t reply. He just held her so tightly; she could barely breathe; it was so unlike him. A feeling of dread formed in the pit of her stomach, but she had no idea why.
She stepped back, giving Liam a questioning look. Something was wrong; she could see it written all over his face.
“Is everything okay?” She asked, having no idea why he seemed so upset. “Has something happened?”
“I eh… I need to talk to you about something,” Liam breathed out in a rush of words, as a look of terror filled his eyes. “I think you should sit down.”
�
�Okay,” she said as suddenly a sinking feeling washed over her body. “You’re scaring me.”
“Lexi, Sweetheart,” he continued as suddenly tears danced in his eyes. “I… I made a mistake.”
“A mistake?” She asked as her heart hammered in her chest. “What sort of a mistake?”
“One that I wish to God I could take back,” Liam sighed as he reached out and took hold of her hand. He led her back into the living room, and to the sofa, where they both sat down. He took a deep breath before he began to speak again.
“Today we had this call,” Liam began, not letting his eyes meet hers. “A report of domestic violence in this house. When we got there, we could hear shouting, this kid screaming, and a woman was crying. We knocked on the door, but there was no response, just more shouting. So we called through the door that we were the police. Suddenly, there were two shots, and the crying and screaming stopped. Scott and I drew our weapons, and I kicked in the door.”
He stopped for a moment and closed his eyes as if the memory of what had happened was playing in his head over and over, and it was breaking him a little more each time it did.
“When we got inside, there was a guy standing there, holding a gun to his head,” Liam finally continued, opening his eyes once more. “There were two bodies on the floor next to him; one was just a little kid. We told him to drop the gun, but he just pulled the trigger.”
“Oh my God!” Lexi exclaimed, her hand flying to her mouth in horror, unable to comprehend what Liam must have seen.
“I ran to the kid,” Liam went on, as he stood up and began to pace up and down the living room, “I began CPR but there was nothing I could do. Her injuries were too severe.”
“I’m so sorry,” Lexi said as she went to get up, but Liam quickly held up his hand to stop her.
“Scott and I,” Liam continued. “We were a mess. I mean, what if we had just kicked in that door, what if we hadn’t identified ourselves as cops.”
“But you were just following the rules,” Lexi offered. “You can’t blame yourself.”
“I know but my head…” Liam sighed, closing his eyes once more. “My head was a mess. So was Scott’s.”
“But it wasn’t your fault,” she said, getting up and hurrying to him, wrapping her arms around him. “You can’t blame yourself for this. This wasn’t your mistake…”
“That wasn’t the mistake I was talking about,” Liam replied, taking hold of her arms and holding her at arms-length.
“Oh,” Lexi said, but right at the moment, in her heart, she already knew what he was going to say.
“Scott and I went to this bar,” Liam continued, looking up into her eyes. “We needed to blow off some steam. I don’t know how, but we ended up going back to this party.”
“Please don’t say any more,” Lexi whispered as hot tears suddenly stung her eyes. She pulled back from him. “Please, don’t.”
“Lexi, I never meant for it to happen,” Liam said, taking a step towards her, but she instinctively stepped back. “I knew it was a mistake the moment it happened. She meant nothing to me.”
“A mistake!” Lexi exclaimed as her heart hammered in her chest. “What, did you trip and fall into her?”
“Lexi, I know you’re angry,” Liam said in a rush of words. She could see the fear and panic etched across his face. He moved towards her once more, but once again, she stepped back away from him. “But you have to believe that it’s you I want. I love you so much. It meant nothing, I swear to God.”
“BUT IT MEANS SOMETHING TO ME!” Lexi screamed back as her tears finally break free. “You’re supposed to be the one person I can trust, the one person I can rely on. You are the last person in the world that I thought would ever hurt me like this.”
“I know, and I’m so sorry,” Liam replied as now tears were dancing in his eyes too. “I wish I could undo it, I was just upset and drunk and I…”
“Why didn’t you call me if you were upset,” she sobbed, her tears now flowing freely. “Tell me to come home, or come to find me… ANYTHING. I thought you loved me?”
“I do love you, Lexi,” Liam insisted, quickly closing the distance between them. “I love you more than anything else in this world.”
“And yet you had sex with someone else!” She retorted angrily before she buried her face in her hands and sobbed. “I can’t believe you would do this to us.”
“Lexi, I’m sorry,” Liam said as he reached out, wrapping his arms around her, as he pulled her to his chest, holding her tightly. “I’m so sorry, Baby. You know you’re the only one that I want. It’s you and me against the world.”
Lexi allowed him to hold her for a moment, confused with the many different emotions crashing through her soul, as images of Liam with some faceless girl invaded her mind. Breathing in, she could smell the scent of his aftershave, the same smell that always made her feel safe and loved. It was mixed with the stale smell of alcohol and something else, something sweet.
That’s when it hit Lexi. It was the smell of the other girl’s perfume. Her stomach heaved, and she pulled away from Liam abruptly.
“I can’t…” she sobbed, looking up into his eyes.
“Lexi!” Liam said reaching out for her, but she moved away.
“No!” Lexi exclaimed with a sob. “D… don’t touch me. God…I… I can smell her on you. All I can picture is you and her together.”
“Lexi, please!” Liam begged. “You have to believe that she means nothing to me. It was a mistake.”
“NO!” Lexi cried, closing her eyes, unable to look at him anymore. “I don’t want to hear it. Just because she means nothing to you, doesn’t make any of this okay.”
“Please,” Liam begged her, and Lexi could see the panic in his face as he reached out for her once more. “We can work through this. Just give me a chance.”
“NO, LIAM, WE CAN’T!” She yelled as she pulled away from him. “I…I just want you to leave.”
“I’m not going anywhere!” Liam insisted. “I’m staying here until we fix this. I love you.”
“You don’t destroy someone you love!” She hissed as she opened her eyes, pinning him with an angry glare. “You don’t turn to someone else when life gets hard.”
“I know I fucked up,” Liam replied, the panic in his voice very clear. “But we can get past this. I will make this right.”
“You can’t,” she whispered, suddenly feeling like the fight had drained from her body. “You can’t fix this, because I can’t ever trust you again. I can’t even look at you right now.”
“Lexi, please,” he begged, but she had heard enough.
“I can’t forgive you,” she breathed out. “Please, just go.”
“No,” Liam said taking a step closer to her, but she raised her hand stopping him once more.
“GO!” She yelled, as she turned and headed towards the door of her apartment. “GET THE HELL OUT!”
“Lexi!” Liam said as he followed her, but she wouldn’t even look at him.
“Get out!” She said, her voice suddenly calmer and determined.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he replied, sounding just as determined as she did. That was when she knew what she had to do. She couldn’t stay there, not with him, not now. If he wouldn’t leave, then she would.
“Fine,” she said looking him straight in the eye. “Then I’ll go.”
“What?! Liam replied, surprised by her reply. He quickly reached out and took hold of her hand. “No! I won’t let you. You’re not walking away from us, Lex. We can’t be over, not like this.”
“Then how come we are,” she replied suddenly feeling like every ounce of fight inside her was gone. She pulled her hand free from Liam’s, then pushed past him, heading for the door once more.
“Lexi, this is stupid,” Liam cried as he grabbed her arm once more. “Please don’t do this. I know you love me. Somewhere deep inside, you know I’m right.”
“LOVE YOU!” She exclaimed as she spun around to face him onc
e more, yanking her arm free. “I can’t even stand to look at you right now. You make me sick. I don’t love you, Liam Murphy, I hate you. I hate that you’ve done this to us. I hate that I trusted you. I hate that you have made me feel so completely worthless. I hate you, and I never want to see you again. Now stay the hell away from me. We are done.”
She turned around, heading out the door, slamming the door behind her.
“Miss,” the driver of the cab called out, making her jump with fright, pulling her back from her thoughts. “We’re here.”
“I’m sorry,” she said, giving him a smile as she leaned forward, paying the man. “Thank you.”
She reached for the handle, pushing the door open. She felt tired and completely broken. Climbing out of the cab, she stood on the sidewalk for a few moments, staring up at the building in front of her. She knew Eric wouldn’t be home. He was working the night shift, so she would have the apartment to herself. But as she stood there, staring up at the building, she really didn’t want to go inside. This apartment didn’t feel like her home. If she was honest, right at that moment, nowhere did. She just felt so lost and empty inside.
Releasing a long sigh, she pushed her way through the revolving glass doors and stepped into the dimly lit foyer of her apartment building.
“Good evening, Ms. Daniels,” Mitch, the doorman, said from behind the front desk. “I hope you’ve had a good evening.”
“I did, thank you,” she lied, forcing a smile on her face for the older man. Lexi liked him. He was always friendly and very helpful whenever he could be. “Have a good night, Mitch.”
“You too, Ms. Daniels,” Mitch replied as Lexi made her way to the elevator. Stepping inside, she leaned against the cool glass walls, as the doors closed.
Lexi felt tired. More tired than she had felt in a very long time.
As the elevator came to a stop, she decided she was not going to worry about any of this stuff tonight. Tomorrow she would figure it all out. Tonight… tonight she was just going to sleep.
Liam (The Murphy Boys Series Book 4) Page 11
