You Loved Me Once

by Corinne Michaels

  His head jerks back and the heat from his breath causes steam to flow around us. “My love for you has dictated everything in my life. I love Allison, more than I ever thought I could, but it is nothing like what we had. Imagine what seeing you now is like. Imagine knowing, as you hold your spouse’s hand, that there’s still a part of you that’s looking at the girl you once swore would be in her place.”

  I feel weightless and my head is spinning. “Please don’t say these things.”

  “I don’t want to feel them, Chick. You have no idea how disgusted I am with myself for feeling this way. I’d never, ever hurt Allison when she’s sick—I wouldn’t leave her or betray her or do anything to make her life worse. But I do want to exorcise these demons that you’re resurrecting so we can all move on and I can protect her. I don’t want her to suffer another devastating blow and I could’ve done something to stop it.”

  I close my eyes and fight back the tears. “I can’t do anything about how you feel.”

  “No, but you can give her the meds to help her.”

  Chapter 17

  Fourteen Years Earlier

  “Please pick up, please pick up,” I chant as I wait for Bryce to pick up. It’s been two weeks since we’ve spoken, and even then, it was less than five minutes that we talked. Lately it’s been the same routine: I call, miss him, he calls, and doesn’t reach me.

  Around and around we go, never getting close enough. Everything is strained in my life right now. My mother is fading so fast and there’s nothing I can do to stop it, my father is so depressed he’s not eating, and my grades are the lowest they’ve ever been.

  Mom told me today she was unhappy with the amount of time I was spending with her, that she wants me to have a life, but it’s not going to change.

  We’re losing her.

  She is growing sicker and they talked about hospice today.

  I’m not ready for her to go and I could really use Bryce right now.

  “Hi, this is Bryce, I’m not around so leave a message and I’ll call when I can.”

  Beep.

  “Bryce, hey, it’s me . . . I’ve been insanely busy and tried to call, but I guess you’re the same. It’s been too long since I’ve heard your voice and I just miss you. Mom isn’t doing well,” I say as I sit down, my head falling back against the couch. “I’m . . . sad. I’m scared too. It’s been so hard dealing with all this without you by my side.” I’m rambling, but my heart is breaking and I just want his arms around me. “Just please call me back.”

  It’s six at night and I have no idea what he’s doing. Maybe he’s studying, maybe he’s out drinking, or sleeping for all I know. We’ve had nothing but a series of missed calls and a random email last week, which I’m pretty sure I forgot to respond to.

  I close my eyes and my lip trembles while the sadness takes hold. How did we get here? When did we become this distant? Bryce and I were in sync. We were happy and in love. We had plans, damn it, and now we have nothing.

  I don’t want to be dramatic, but I feel him drifting away from me.

  Each day runs away from us and if we don’t do as we promised, we’re going to fall apart.

  I curl up on the couch, clutching the pillow that used to smell like him and cry myself to sleep, hating how many things are leaving me all at once.

  The phone blares in my ear, waking me. I rise up off the couch, searching for it, praying it’s Bryce.

  “Hello?”

  “Ren,” Everton’s voice fills the other end of the call.

  I glance at the clock and see it’s one in the morning. Panic fills me because no one calls at this hour unless something is terribly wrong. “What is it?”

  “Mom.”

  I quickly get to my feet, throwing a jacket on, and a pair of shoes. I don’t even know if they match. “Where is she?”

  “At the house. She couldn’t breathe . . . you need to get here.”

  “I’m on my way!”

  I hang up the phone, already halfway down the stairs, and once I get in the car, I push my hair back and release a few breaths. I can do this.

  For my mother, I will keep it together.

  The drive to my childhood home from Chicago seems to take forever. The entire way there, I tell myself I’ll be strong. I bargain with God, asking for just a little more time. “I’ll study harder,” I say as I grip the wheel. “I’ll be a better daughter, sister, and I’ll save lives. Please, just don’t take her yet. I’m not ready.”

  I believe that He will grant me this. I have to have faith.

  As I drive, my phone pings with a voicemail and I push play.

  “Chick, it’s me, look . . . things are . . . strained, and I think maybe we should just take some time and think about why that is. I still love you, but this is much harder than I thought. I don’t know, I’m just feeling lonely and you’re busy,” Bryce’s voice is detached and my throat feels tight. “I’m not saying we break up, I’m saying we take a break and see where we’re at in a month. I’m sorry, babe, I really am.”

  I throw the phone in the car and bang my head on the steering wheel. That’s how he breaks up with me? Tonight? On a voicemail?

  No, I can’t do this. Tomorrow, once I have my mother all squared away, I’ll figure this all out, but right now, I can’t deal.

  Chapter 18

  “I already told you that I’m doing everything I can for Allison.”

  “Are you punishing me? Is this because of the way things ended, now you want to make her suffer?”

  Another tear falls down my cheek. “You think so little of me?”

  Bryce breathes heavily out of his nose, not even able to look at me. “I just know what’s happening now isn’t her fault. I’m sorry for how things went. I was fucked up and alone. I missed you so much I couldn’t breathe. My life was falling apart without you in it. I did the only thing I thought I could . . . let you go.”

  My heart is broken for the kids we were at that time. Sure, we were in our twenties, but in no way ready to make decisions that would affect the rest of our lives. “I’ve tried so hard to forget the way you made me feel. I was finally getting there, and then you showed up.”

  “You weren’t the only one who has struggled, Ren. I loved you so deeply, I never thought I could love again,” he admits. “When I left that voicemail, I fucking lost it. I hated myself, and no woman compared to you.”

  “Until Allison,” I finish the statement. “I can’t go backward anymore, Bryce. We need to move on, let go of the past. It’s going to destroy us both.”

  He takes a step back, gripping the back of his neck. “I gave you up to save you, not destroy you.”

  But destruction was all that came from that night. “My mom died the night you left that voicemail.” His eyes lift to mine. “I listened to it on the way to her, hearing you say you needed time or whatever it was . . . but I lost everything. I have been trying to find a way back to solid ground since then. Her loss was horrific, but losing you . . . I don’t even know how to describe what I felt at that.”

  “I thought I was doing right by you,” he admits, “I knew you were broken up about splitting your time, so I thought if I took myself out of the equation, we’d find our way back to each other. Instead, two weeks later, I got a fucking box with my grandmother’s ring in it. No note. No call. Nothing. And I hated you for it, Ren. I swore I’d forget you because remembering, well, it hurt too damn much.”

  “You have no idea what hurt felt like.”

  He takes a step closer. “I’m hurting now. I’m watching my wife lose everything and you’re the only one who can stop it. Do you understand how hard it is to ask you to do this? How hurting you—again—is killing me? I’m the one who is watching the woman I love drown in cancer and the woman who is half of my fucking soul is with another man and holds the power over it all. I know I’m asking a lot, but please, give her the drug.”

  I turn and look at him as though he’s lost his mind. “You can’t ask me to do this, Bry
ce.”

  “I know what I’m asking.”

  “No,” I cut him off. “I don’t think you have a clue what you’re asking me to do.”

  “It’s you who gets to decide our fate. I can’t . . . I can’t lose another woman because I wasn’t able to give her what she needed.” Bryce’s eyes bore into mine. I see the pain and fear there. “I love her.”

  My heart races because a part of me wonders if I should help him, but I know it’s wrong. It’s against everything I took an oath to do.

  “And I love you.” I regret the words the minute they leave my lips, but I can’t take them back. Right or wrong, I’ve loved him for close to seventeen years. I know he’s married. I know I have a future with Westin. These things won’t change, but neither will the fact that I will always love him. “You were my first love and that will never change. I love you because I can’t unlove you. You’re a part of who I am, and for that, you will always be in my heart, but what you’re asking me . . .”

  Bryce’s jaw clenches and he closes his eyes. “You have no idea how much I loved you, Serenity. None. My love for you was dangerous. I learned from that . . .”

  “Did you? Because what you’re asking me to do is not okay. It’s selfish and destructive.”

  “No, it’s asking you to find a way to help someone who is innocent in this story. Allison didn’t steal me from you. She healed the broken parts of me. She allowed me to breathe again.” He looks up at the sky and then back to me. “If you ever loved me. If I ever meant anything to you, I’m here, begging you to find a way to help Allison with the promise of the medication you sold her on.” Bryce takes a step closer.

  “This has nothing to do with me caring about you. And I don’t want her to suffer either. Believe it or not, I like her, and I’m trying to fix her without destroying everything I’ve built. But what you want me to do . . . if anyone ever found out, it would ruin my life and my career.”

  His breathing accelerates and he starts to speak faster. “No one would have to know. You don’t even have to say anything, just listen.”

  No, no, no. It is crazy to even think about switching the medications. “Stop,” I beg. “Please, just stop.”

  He grips me with both hands, holding me so I can’t move. “Wouldn’t you have done what I’m doing for your mother? Wouldn’t you ask the doctor to just give her the medicine if you knew it could heal her?” Bryce’s fingers let me go, but he stays close.

  “Don’t!” I put my hand up, pressing against his chest. “Don’t compare this to saving my mother.”

  The sad part is, he’s right. I would’ve done anything to save her. Asking her doctor would’ve been the least of the lengths I would’ve gone to. My mother’s cancer tore Bryce and me apart. Am I really willing to be the person who does this to him again?

  Life is coming full circle and once again I stand at the crossroads of an impossible situation.

  Bryce takes a step back with tears in his eyes. “Just think about it, Ren. You’re the only one who can make this right for all of us. If you could heal her, then I could . . .”

  “You could what?”

  Both hands slide through his hair and he lets out a loud groan. “Then maybe all the pain we’ve gone through would be for something. You could help Allison and in turn save me. I just feel like there’s a reason we’re here—because it wasn’t just to torture each other. We’re different people, but we were once something pretty amazing, and I loved you with everything I had.” He looks away with clenched fists. “This isn’t the way I thought this would go. I just wanted to talk, and I was desperate. I can’t and I won’t ask you to do this. You’re right, it’s selfish and wrong. Forget I even said anything.”

  Forget he asked me to switch medication for Allison? Forget that he told me he’s torn up too? Forget what? Because all I’ve been trying to do the last few days is forget. How I’m going to handle weeks of this is beyond me. I keep waiting for it to get easier with time, but each day is a new version of hell.

  Bryce looks over my shoulder, closes his eyes, and sighs. “Great. This will go over well.”

  I turn to see what caught his eye and Westin walks toward us, crossing the street as Bryce and I stand on the sidewalk. Everything inside of me is tense as he approaches.

  Both men look at each other, and I can almost taste the spike in testosterone. Westin reaches me, wraps his arm around my side, and kisses my cheek. “Hi, baby.”

  “Hi,” I say with my teeth chattering. If only it was the cold air that was the cause.

  Westin, being the sweet man he is, pulls me closer, rubbing his hand up and down my arm to warm me.

  “You’re her patient’s husband, right? We met the other day,” Wes extends his hand.

  Bryce shakes his hand and nods. “Yeah, you’re the doctor.”

  “Yes,” Westin glances at me and then back to Bryce. “Do you guys know each other?” he asks.

  “No,” I say quickly. “Mr. Peyton happened to find our hidden gem here. I ran into him and we were talking about his wife’s condition.”

  Now, more than ever, Westin can’t be suspicious. He’s advising and monitoring my trial and if he’s tipped off even a little, it’ll be all for naught.

  His eyes meet mine and then move over to Bryce. “Just funny, this is twice now and both times you two have been pretty heated.”

  “You know how it is,” Bryce says offhandedly. “She’s my wife, and when you love someone, you do things you wouldn’t dream of in any other circumstance.”

  His words are meant to be about Allison, but I hear more than that. He’s asking me to do what he came here to ask me. To save Allison. To give them the life they’re both desperate for.

  “I understand, and it’s fine.” I’m not fooling anyone, but I know the second part of this argument is only going to get worse the longer we stand here.

  Westin’s arm tightens slightly. “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m sure Dr. Adams is doing everything possible.”

  Bryce’s denim colored eyes meet mine and I watch the pain flicker. “I’m sure she is. Excuse me,” he ducks his head. “I’m going to check on Allison.”

  He walks off and now I pray I can find a way to convince Westin it’s nothing like it seems.

  “Did you eat?” I ask quickly, still shaking from the cold and adrenaline.

  “Ren, you can’t tell me that isn’t weird.”

  Telling him would be the easiest thing. I could just admit it right here, let him help me fix it, and it would be no harm no foul, but the words are stuck in my throat.

  “It is, but he saw me and had questions.”

  Westin’s eyes narrow and he sighs. “I heard part of your fight.”

  Chapter 19

  My entire body locks. There’s no way out of this, and I’m partially relieved. I’m in over my head and Westin will know what to do.

  I open my mouth, but he puts his hand up. “Not now, Ren. We’re both exhausted, fought earlier today, and I need a shower. That surgery was intense and I don’t know if I even want to know what that was.”

  The look on his face stops me from fighting back. I’ve seen him tired, beaten down, defeated, and he’s all of those right now.

  “Did the surgery go well?” I ask.

  “No.”

  I wrap my arms around him and try to offer a little comfort. “Is the patient all right?”

  He pulls back a little, but takes my hands in his. “I’ll know more if he makes it through the night.”

  Those cases are the worst. You have to hope that everything you did will be enough. “Do you want to be alone?” I ask, unsure of where we stand.

  I don’t know how much he heard, but it’s clear he’s upset about whatever he knows. He has every right to be. I told him we’d move forward, and it feels like I’m being pulled into the past instead.

  His eyes close, but he shakes his head. “No.”

  “Wes,” I say quickly. “What you heard . . .”


  “I don’t want to know.” He drops my hands. “At this point, I overheard something out of context, but if you actually tell me something, I have to report it, do you understand?”

  I nod. He’s asking me to keep this from him, to protect him and in turn, protect myself. I don’t deserve him or his protection. This could cost us both everything.

  My work phone pings, and the message states that I need to return due to a patient complication. “Shit,” I grumble. “I have to go, something’s wrong with a patient. Are we okay?”

  “We’re good. Go, I’ll be at my place if you want to come by after.”

  I doubt we’re good, but I’m not going to push him, either. “Okay, I’m . . .” Sorry is what I want to say, but he takes my face in his hands.

  “Just be mine, Ren. That’s all I’m asking. I’m sorry I was a dick earlier. I’m just . . . it’s you, okay? It’s you I want and it’s you I need.”

  My lungs ache and I feel as though I could sob right here. Westin’s hands fall as I struggle internally. I want to scream out that I am his, but I don’t. I should tell him that whatever he’s doubting, he shouldn’t, because I know he’s who I want. I should say so much but my voice is gone.

  Instead, he leans in, presses his lips to mine and then drops his hands.

  I’m a fool.

  A stupid idiot.

  “I’ll be over as soon as I get things fixed, and we can talk then.”

  Westin’s face falls at the words I do manage to say. His mask goes up, the same one I wear when I’m done showing emotion, and he gives a fake smile. “Do what you have to do Serenity, but don’t be stupid.”

  I have no idea what that means. Did he hear the part about the trial medication? Does he know what Bryce asked me to do?

  Why can’t I just go back a few weeks and have never accepted Allison Brown into my damn trial?