Asher only responded after a moment’s silence, his voice dull. “It’s not about the fucking hand. I did everything I could to be the man you need, but you won’t compromise on anything. You don’t even discuss this with me. You just expect me to follow you like a puppy, to always play by your rules. Can’t do this anymore.”
“You were perfectly happy yesterday! And it’s me who follows, because you’re the Dominant!” Sid barked out the last words, trying to keep his voice down, but his nerves were spiraling out of control so rapidly it felt as if the walls of the bus were about to collapse around him.
“In bed, and only because that’s what you want from me. You know what, Sid? I’ve suffered through all those rejections, through all the mocking, hoping that things would change, but that never happened. You still just assume things and never discuss them with me.”
“I suffered through you stalking me, so I think we’re even!” Sid couldn’t keep his breath in check anymore and curled his knees under his chin.
Asher exhaled so loudly the line crackled. “And that’s the problem, Sid. I’m always gonna be just a stalker. You won’t get close to me in public, and when someone better comes along, you’re gonna run. I know you will.”
“No, Ash. I’m trying to communicate important shit to you here. Why are you making this so hard?” Sid squeezed the phone, wishing Asher was here so he could shake him into being reasonable.
“You’re trying to communicate that it’s all about you. And it’s not sudden, because this kind of stuff comes up time and time again when we talk. I don’t want to constantly keep myself in check and worry about the thing between us ending. I’m done. I’m tired. And through with this. And don’t go home, because I’m heading for the airport. Need time to think.”
Sid opened his lips, but Asher disconnected, and when Sid tried to call him again, Mage’s number was blocked as well.
Sid let his hand drop, stunned by what had just happened and torn between hiding under a blanket and breaking a window with his bare fist. The curtain opened, and he recoiled when Mage popped his head in. “Are you going with us after all?” he asked.
“Yeah,” Sid said, passing him the phone. He tried to smile, but it didn’t work out.
Mage looked back as the crazy train of Lolly and Dusk entered the bus, and he slid into the bedroom area, shutting the curtain behind him. “What’s up with you?”
“I’m fine.” It came out harsher than Sid would have wished. He leaned against the back of his bunk. “It’s just so annoying with the bus thing. Maybe we can upgrade next year.”
Mage stood still, as if he wanted to pry some more, pull on the fresh scab until Sid bled to death, but in the end he mumbled something and disappeared when Dawn called out for him.
Sid sighed in relief when he realized his backpack was in the bus, not in the Tesla, since that piece of luggage contained pretty much everything he owned.
He was numb when he put his hand over his newly-pierced nipple. How could Asher have dumped him? He’d been there through the highs and lows of The Underdogs, always enthusiastic and immune to whatever insults Sid hauled at him. Kinda creepy in his love-me-love-me neediness, but he’d been the one person Sid could rely on never leaving him.
How did the two of them get to the point when Asher chose to leave Sid behind?
Dusk barged in behind the curtain with a grin. “We’re popping the beers open,” he said and encouraged Sid to get up with a gesture.
The bus came to life, reminding Sid just how shaky his life would be once again. “I’m not in the mood.”
Dusk rolled his eyes. “You want me to make you a sandwich?”
“I don’t want a motherfucking sandwich, Dusk! I’m not in the mood!”
“What if it’s peanut butter?”
Sid got up and pushed Dusk out behind the curtain. “No!”
Dusk laughed, but at least he pissed off, and Sid was free to bury himself under a blanket in the deepest, darkest corner of the bus.
Maybe if he slept for long enough, Asher would decide to call him back after all?
With the short curtain drawn along his bunk, he slid under the blanket and curled up as frosty needles bit into his flesh. Gravity shifted constantly as the bus moved over uneven roads, leaving Sid feeling as if he was stranded in the bowels of a ship traveling to the end of the Earth. The sense of catastrophe squeezed like an iron cage around his chest, tightening with each passing minute.
He’d done it.
He’d managed to antagonize the one person he’d fallen in love with.
Maybe he should have just let Asher do what he wanted? And yet somehow it now felt there must have been a much deeper undercurrent of resentment on Asher’s side that Sid had no idea about.
Sid remembered how Asher confessed wanting to punish Sid for all the rejections. Was this just his final, mastermind move? Have Sid fall for him, only to crush his heart? He stuffed a bit of pillow in his mouth to stay quiet, but he wanted to scream.
This felt so much worse than being kicked out by Crash Landing. Back then, he’d been left full of anger, but now he didn’t even have the energy to rage anymore. He felt like an empty shell, with life draining out of him by the minute. For years, he’d kept his feelings behind thick walls, never letting anyone in until Asher, the man who steadily drilled his way under Sid’s skin. Him, Sid offered the kind of trust and vulnerability that left him naked…and now the same man had dumped Sid as if they’d been casually dating and things just ‘didn’t work out’?
At the front of the bus, the voices of Sid’s friends competed with loud music, leaving him further isolated in his cave of misery. Each sound was like a droplet of water landing on his forehead, a prolonged torture that would eventually crack his skull.
He pulled the blanket closer to his jaw when someone moved behind the fabric wall that guarded his hideout. He’d expected whoever-it-was to rummage through their stuff and go back to the front, but instead they remained silent, a solid yet invisible presence behind the curtain.
Sid bit on the pillow to stop the sob forming in his throat and settled on breathing through his nose instead. Never again would he give anyone the kind of trust he gave Asher. From now on, he’d live off anonymous blowjobs only, and not get entangled with people too much.
He flinched when someone poked the curtain. Then did it again. And again.
“You can’t knock on a fucking piece of fabric! That’s not how fabric works!” Sid spat in fury, but his voice was cracking and he couldn’t fight it anymore.
The curtain moved away and revealed Dusk’s frowning face. “Did you two have a fight?” he asked with no frills.
Sid rolled over on the bunk to face away from Dusk, his body going rigid. “No, I’m just sleepy. How is this any of your fucking business? Go and suck on Lolly or something!”
“I would if you weren’t occupying the bedroom for the last five hours. Can’t really do it in front of your sister either, so there.”
Sid rolled back to his original position and pushed him away. “It’s my fucking bed, and I will stay here until the end of time if I feel like it. I might just grow roots here and die, so get used to it!”
“Who fucked you sideways this morning?”
Tears prickled Sid’s eyes, so he worked hard on just keeping them in. “No one. And no one will be anytime soon. If you want to fuck Lolly across from me, I don’t care. Just go and do it. Jesus, fucking Christ!”
Dusk exhaled, and his big, hot paw squeezed on Sid’s shoulder. “Come on, Sid, spit it out. We can’t stand you this quiet. Someone has to say it.”
Sid opened his mouth to speak, but only a sob came out, and he quickly hid his eyes behind his arm. He didn’t mind crying in a scene, but this? This was pathetic. He was being pathetic.
The low exhale came from way too close, and within seconds, Dusk’s substantial body pushed into the bunk next to him.
“Come on, man, spill it. We’re all on your side. Stan can go fuck himself.�
�
There was no running away from Dusk anymore. Sid’s weakened walls were crumbling, and the flood of regret they’d been holding back started slipping through the cracks. “He dumped me. He fucking dumped me,” Sid choked out. “I let him do…I mean… The shit I let him do to me, and he dumps me?” The tears wouldn’t stop anymore. He was trembling like a puppy kicked out into the cold.
Dusk exhaled and lay along Sid, pulling him into a firm hug. It was the first time they touched this extensively, but instead of being weird, the embrace brought Sid such relief he was reduced to a sobbing mess.
More footsteps followed, and he flinched when Lolly called out for Dawn to stop the bus. And then he too was there, sticking his head into Sid’s bunk from the front. “Is it about Stan? It is, isn’t it?”
Sid hid his face under Dusk’s arm, but he heard Dusk whisper a confirmation to Lolly. The last thing Sid wanted was for everyone to try and coddle him, but Lolly was already petting his head.
“I should have never gone for him,” Sid said between one sob and another. He had never shown himself to his bandmates so unguarded, but there was nowhere to turn, and he was so utterly broken he needed someone to hold him together so he didn’t fall apart.
He wasn’t a cuddler. He didn’t particularly like people, but in this moment of agony, he was so grateful for someone being interested in his state he couldn’t even put it into words. The black hole in his chest was sucking in every good thought left in the world, but the worst thing was that as damaged as he was, his heart still screamed out for Asher to come back. Hoped that he would reconsider, chase them down and take Sid into his arms, asking for forgiveness.
The bus changed its course and slowed down, eventually stilling to the point when not only the engine but also the music went completely silent.
“I don’t want to make a scene, let’s just drive on,” Sid whined, but he couldn’t help himself and hugged Dusk tighter. In times like these, he loved that his friend was a mountain of muscle big enough to hide behind.
“What happened?” Dawn’s voice was high-pitched with worry as he ran all the way from the driver’s seat and joined Mage next to the bunk.
“Stan dumped him.”
Dawn covered his lips with his hand and exchanged a sharp glance with Mage, who stood next to him with a tight frown.
“What happened? You two were all lovey-dovey before we left.”
Sid wouldn’t look at them, but there was nowhere to hide either when Lolly squeezed into the bunk, completing the hug-sandwich around Sid. “Until he threw a hissy fit about me not wanting to be out in front of fans.”
Dusk growled and poked Sid with his fist. “Well, shit.”
Lolly petted Sid’s hair, exhaling loudly. “Does he want to be famous, or something?”
Mage shook his head. “Oh, come on, guys, let Sid say what happened. He doesn’t need you putting dumb ideas in his head.”
Sid couldn’t be embarrassed by the tears anymore. It was all too exhausting. “No, he says I’m not serious about him. I’ve never been more serious about anyone. He wouldn’t let me explain, and now he blocked my number. I don’t know what to do without him.”
The silence that followed was choking, and it twisted in Sid’s chest, forcing him into a shudder.
For once, it was Dawn who spoke first. “Why are you here then? You should have gone after him.”
“That’s not how it works, Dawn. He dumped me,” Sid said with a groan, but Mage gave him a stern glance.
“I don’t know. He’s followed you for six years, I think you’d be excused if you stalked him for a change. Especially if it’s for a good cause.”
Lolly, whose strawberry-scented face was uncomfortably close to Sid’s, twisted his lips. “Is that really what this is about? He feels like you don’t like him as much as he likes you? That is the big issue?”
“He has no idea how much he means to me. I’m not…good at expressing shit.”
Dusk slapped his forehead against Sid’s neck. “So your solution is to pretty much prove him right and let go? I thought this was just like a hot sex thing for you. Dawn’s right. You should see him.”
Sid groaned. Sadly, there was some truth in what Dusk was saying. “I’ll just make an ass of myself. I don’t even know where he went.”
Mage stuck his face into the damp bunk too, and his long dreadlocks trailed over Sid’s face. “You’re making an ass of yourself right now. Man up and talk to him. Otherwise, maybe he’s right and you don’t care enough.”
Sid rubbed his face in frustration. “The fuck am I supposed to do? I don’t even have a car. Will we all drive to the airport together like it’s a rom-com?”
Dawn’s lips parted and he clutched Mage’s arm. “Oh, Sid… Yes. Please, please let’s do that.”
Lolly’s eyes went wide. “O-M-G, we need to do that. Sid, we can distract the security guards, and you’ll run after him, even if he’s already past the gates.”
“Yeah!” Dusk fist-bumped his boyfriend over Sid’s head.
Abra stepped closer, entering their little Friendship is Magic moment. “You have always been so brave, brother. Please don’t give up now.”
Sid raised his arms in frustration, but in truth, the whole idea gave him hope when he’d thought all was lost. “Okay, okay! I’ll do it!”
Dawn squealed like the happiest little pony, and Lolly intensified his hug.
Chapter 16
Asher had thought leaving Sid would be like ripping off a very sticky band-aid, as opposed to the slowly progressing gangrene of being in such an unequal relationship.
It was not.
It left him with a giant hole where his heart was, and despite knowing he’d made the right decision, regret still bled out of him, no matter how much ice cream he’d eaten.
The house in Aspen was small in comparison to the property in Calabasas, cozy despite its fine furnishings, in that way only wooden beams and soft rugs could make it. No one would bother him here as long as he ignored any messages on his phone and computer. The nearest neighbors lived behind a thick patch of trees and never bothered visiting, so it would be just Asher, the buzzing fire, reruns of the Kardashians on TV, the ice cream, and Balto, the housekeeper's St Bernard.
With the first snow of the year having fallen just that afternoon, he felt excused to not leave the house for a week. This way no one would be here to witness the downfall in his fridge.
The one thing Asher’s thoughts kept going back to every time he picked up a potato chip was the way Sid didn’t even seem to realize just how hurtful he was being. He claimed to be pliant to Asher’s wishes, but then he could be so pushy. As if he didn’t understand the amount of power he held over Asher, and that his approval was Asher’s lifeline. Just days ago, Sid had been clay in his hands, and yet that had still not been enough for him to let people see them together.
All those years Asher thought he’d been in love with Sid. Bullshit. He’d had a crush on him, he’d been obsessed, but at the end of the day he’d never really gotten to know Sid from his vulnerable side. Sid had been a goal to strive for, unattainable and safe, because as long as Asher fucked all kinds of people on the way while having his eyes on Sid, he wouldn’t truly get hurt. Humiliated? Shamed?—Yes, but those hits only punctured the shell of his pride, leaving his innermost feelings intact.
Now his insides had been torn open, only to be tossed into the fire of regret.
He’d cried. Not on the plane—he’d kept his cool in public. Not in company—he’d smiled at his housekeeper when he asked her to take the evening off. But the moment the dog put its muzzle in Asher’s lap, his eyes had turned into salty waterfalls, and nothing Asher tried provided the consolation he needed.
He’d even considered permanently deleting the post he’d written for The Q-Detective to celebrate their hypothetical public coming out and permanently close that chapter of his life, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it just yet. The few photos of them together that he’d at
tached to the post were still too precious to trash. He’d left the laptop open in his bedroom, deciding he’d sleep on it…or rather ignore it until he could no longer delay going to bed.
It’d been hours since he’d arrived, and his eyes had since dried up, turning into a pulsing mess, but still he couldn’t stop thinking of Sid and the way he so dismissively pushed away Asher’s hand.
It hurt on such a visceral level Asher couldn’t control himself. He couldn’t be the rock of a Dom Sid thought he was. And he hadn’t even meant to mark his territory, or out Sid. He’d just craved to be close, not a secret Sid pulled out of the closet whenever he wanted a good fucking.
Knowing that Sid was his end game meant Asher had never engaged deeply with people he dated. They were just casual hook-ups. Friends with benefits. But now that he’d let go of Sid, what was left for him? He had no idea how to navigate the future, and he was scared like a little boy who had lost his family all over again. How could he possibly start looking for someone who could match Sid’s place in his life?
Asher used to believe Sid was the man he could open up to. Someone who never cared for his connections and money. Instead, it felt as if he’d ended up building even more of a facade to satisfy his lover’s cravings. He was drained, and in this moment it felt that even though leaving had still been the better of two evils, he would never be whole again. As if a part of him irreversibly crumbled and could be patched-up but not repaired.
He leaned down to kiss Balto’s furry head when the dog became tense. Maybe he should get a puppy?
The St. Bernard stood on all fours so rapidly his skull punched Asher’s teeth, making him almost drop the tub of ice cream. Before Asher could scold the dog, Balto jumped off the sofa and ran for the floor-length windows of the living room at record-breaking speed. Stopping in front of the glass, he let out a series of barks, eyes pinned to something in the darkness outside.
The Underdogs Box Set - Books 1-3 (gay rockstar romance) Page 40
