Dawn must have only now caught on to what was going on, because he gasped, wrapped his hand over Mage’s arm and hid his face in his shoulder. Which was nice. Maybe even too nice, considering Mage was naked.
Dusk gave Lolly a big hug and kissed his nape. “Okay, okay, don’t want to disturb my baby brother, after all. But you two don’t leave until all those beers are finished. Gotta reward yourselves for a job well done.”
Mage waved them off but picked up one of the cans, looking away when Dusk smacked Lolly’s ass on the way out of the tub. Dusk had always been a horny guy who didn’t really mind other people spotting him in action, but it had gotten out of control since he had a boyfriend who traveled with them. Mage didn’t mind as much as the complaints he voiced might have suggested, but this kind of stuff shouldn’t be happening around poor Dawn.
“So that’s done. We can just enjoy the hot tub now,” he said, once Dusk and Lolly disappeared from sight, off to yet another sex fest.
Dawn laughed nervously and nodded. Was he uncomfortable sitting alone like this? They often shared a room on tour, but Mage didn’t exactly walk around naked either. Had he not given enough consideration to Dawn? Even if he didn’t fancy Mage, he was gay, so perhaps he found this setup uncomfortable.
Mage felt the weight of his friend’s silence grow steadily on his shoulders, and he stretched his legs out, until his toes emerged and wiggled in the cold air. Something about the atmosphere felt off, as if the ease that was so prominent in their friendship had suddenly disappeared.
“I’m happy about Sid and Asher,” he said in the end, desperate to kill the pregnant silence with a neutral topic. Since when did he even need those in Dawn’s presence?
Dawn poked Mage’s foot with his own. “Me too. The energy between them feels right. Mage?”
Mage would have latched on to anything coming out of Dawn’s lips at this point, but a direct question? It was like a large piece of chocolate found in a bowl of porridge. “Yeah?”
“It’s been a while since you’ve had a girlfriend. Don’t you get lonely? I don’t actually need a babysitter.” Dawn took a large swig of beer and looked up at Mage with big green eyes that demanded an honesty Mage couldn’t offer.
Mage’s insides shrunk under the direct gaze, and he grabbed his own drink, just so that he had something to do with his hands. The question had come unexpectedly, and he didn’t really have an answer prepared, so he told Dawn the same stupid lie he’d told his parents.
“Oh, you know, we’re so busy with the band. There isn’t really much time left in the day,” he said, even though he always had plenty of time for Dawn.
“I just want you to know that if you meet a girl you like on tour, and you wanted to take her to the room or something, you can let me know and I’ll find someplace to be. I know I’m younger than you, but I’m not a kid anymore.”
He had such gentle features—tiny nose, a few freckles and round cheeks—but it was true that he wasn’t fourteen anymore, and his shoulders, while slender, had a masculine shape. When Dawn had started transforming from a child into a young man, Mage’s friendship slowly turned into attraction that had filled him with dread at the time, but he couldn’t exactly blame himself for finding Dawn attractive nowadays.
They could have hooked up without it being immoral or indecent, but that didn’t change the fact that Dawn was a very sensitive person who held Mage in high esteem. It wouldn’t feel right to make a move on him, even if the good of the band wasn’t in the way. Not when Mage had never even been with a guy, and couldn’t be certain if a relationship of that kind would work for him. Still, Dawn’s suggestion that he, of all people, was an obstacle in Mage’s life filled Mage’s chest with such weight he didn’t know what to do anymore.
“I-uh… I know. I know you’re an adult.” He sighed, glancing at Dawn, who lowered his head, so his fluffy black hair obscured his eyes. “I just don’t want that kind of thing. I want someone special.”
Dawn finished the beer and let the can float away in the fizzy water. He was usually more cautious about trash, so it made Mage wonder if he wasn’t drunker than he seemed. He didn’t drink often because his hangovers were pretty bad, and he wasn’t used to anything stronger than wine. Could the deep breaths evidenced by the rapid movement of his shoulders suggest he was about to be sick? No matter how much Mage loved Dawn, he was not about to bathe in vomit water.
Dawn looked up and before Mage realized what was going on, he arched up just enough to kiss Mage on the lips.
The contact, so soft, smooth and warm, pushed Mage’s brain into a spin, and he leaned forward, putting his hand on Dawn’s damp back without thinking. Dawn’s sweet breath was like fresh oxygen infused with shrooms, and when Mage breathed it in, everything glowed in bright colors, as if fireworks exploded all around, sending sparks through his body.
Dawn’s eyes were partially hidden behind heavy lids, but their warmth was focused and sincere. In that very moment, Mage had no doubts about the honest intentions behind the kiss. This wasn’t about giving into temptation on a drunken evening. Dawn was watching him as if Mage was the only hope for saving his world. Slim fingers gravitated to Mage’s neck, thumbs caressing his throat as he gave Mage’s lips another peck.
Time stood still when they stared at one another, and for once Mage saw the longing in Dawn’s gaze without the curtain of uncertainty to hide it. And now that he’d tasted the sweetness of Dawn’s lips and felt the touch of his hands, the meaning behind so much else Dawn did was suddenly uncovered.
The shy glances Mage used to take for a mannerism, the way he always found himself around Mage, the friendly touches that were just an excuse for skin-on-skin contact... Dawn’s thoughts were no longer secret, and Mage wanted to know them all.
“You are… so beautiful,” he whispered, touching Dawn’s sides with reverence.
Dawn swallowed, watching Mage without a moment’s pause. “But you’re straight?” Despite the question that sounded more like he was making a statement, his tender fingers still explored the skin of Mage’s neck, and Mage longed for them to stay there, to keep massaging his flesh, which suddenly felt as sensitive as when he got to first base as a fifteen-year old with a girl from the theatre group.
He had no brains left for talking right now, so instead of denying what Dawn said, he rolled them over until Dawn sat on the tiled seat inside the tub and Mage kneeled between his spread thighs. Their gazes were locked in this intense connection that couldn’t be severed by doubts, and Mage leaned in, running his hands up Dawn’s thighs underwater. His dick pulsed rapidly, and all he wanted was to touch, be touched in return, and laugh about lost time.
How long had this need simmered under Dawn’s skin? He’d ask all about it tomorrow, but first he would get his fill of touch and taste.
Dawn gasped, but hardly blinked, focused on Mage as if the world no longer mattered. Maybe it didn’t. Questions about being bandmates, Dusk’s interferences, or relationship status could wait.
Dawn opened his lips for a kiss when Mage nudged them with his tongue, and Mage couldn’t help a thrill of excitement when he thought he might be giving Dawn his first ever kiss. His whole body throbbed with the need to hug Dawn tight, wrap those lean legs around him, and then hear Dawn whimper and moan in pleasure.
The hair on Dawn’s legs tickled Mage so pleasantly he arched his back between the spread thighs, coaxing Dawn’s tongue out to play. His hands ran up and down the slender body, eager to relearn all he knew about it, but the sensual pleasure of finally being let in pulled him closer, until the tip of his dick touched the front of Dawn’s underwear.
Dawn was hard. Mage had never handled a dick, but just the thought of Dawn’s arousal made him lightheaded with excitement. He deepened the kiss, melting into the marshmallow-sweet boy. His brain short-circuited with the pleasure of this new discovery. He was kissing a man, rocking his cock between a man’s legs, and it didn’t feel at all strange. Was it because he’d known of his bisex
uality for a while or because it was Dawn he was touching, he didn’t know, but none of it mattered when the gorgeous body of his beloved best friend was opening up to him like a blooming flower.
Mage gasped into the kiss, rubbing one hand up and down Dawn’s chest, only to tentatively stroke his fingertips over the hard length still trapped in underwear. “Maybe you’d be more comfortable without this,” he whispered, enjoying the way bubbling water caressed his skin. If this was a dream, he wished to stay in it forever.
Dawn’s fingers trembled against Mage’s shoulders, eyes wide, but as he opened his lips to speak, he kept taking short wheezing inhales, and not a single word came out.
Mage stilled, staring back at Dawn as a chill penetrated his bones all the way into the hot water. “Dawn? What’s wrong? Do you want me to stop?” he asked desperately, because no matter how much his heart itched to lie to him that this couldn’t be serious, his brain knew, because he’d seen it before.
Dawn was having a panic attack.
Because of him.
Dawn could barely catch his breath, clenching his fingers on Mage’s shoulders, but he nodded with his eyes squeezed shut.
Mage pulled back, his heart beating faster by the second. Were this any other time, he would have comforted Dawn with a hug, but it was his touch that had brought this on. Confused and hurt, even though he had no right to be, he climbed out of the tub, into the freezing air, which made his skin emit steam, and wrapped a towel around his hips.
His erection was history.
“Do you want to come out? Do something else?” he asked, knowing he needed to keep his distance, and feeling utterly helpless. All the hopes and dreams that had flashed through his mind in the brief moments of absolute happiness a moment ago, now crumbled like glass crushed under the boot of reality.
Dawn nodded, hunched over the water. “P-please,” he uttered between one wheeze and another. His hair obscured his face and Mage hated himself a little bit for still thinking about how pretty Dawn looked.
He grabbed the biggest towel and unfolded it for Dawn to crawl into. “Come on, I’ll take you to the guest room. Do you want hot cocoa? I’m sure Asher has some marshmallows,” he whispered, increasingly ashamed of what he’d done. He must have come on too strongly, as if this was a random hot person, not innocent, sensitive Dawn. He shouldn’t have rushed into things as if the devil was on his tail.
Dawn was shaky but climbed out of the tub and into the towel. Not once did he look into Mage’s eyes, and that felt like a stab in itself. Mage should have stuck with the kiss and let Dawn take things at his own pace. Why did he have to get so greedy? He was twenty-six, goddammit!
“Ch-chocolate.” Dawn nodded, wrapped in the towel like a baby bird in a nest.
Mage nodded, trying to offer him an encouraging smile, but it felt like a grimace instead. “Yes… you just lie down, and I’ll take care of everything. You don’t have to worry,” he promised, nudging Dawn back to the house.
At least the walk in silence made sense when Dawn was like this, and could hardly speak. Even though Mage knew he hadn’t technically done anything wrong, he still felt like a monster, a horrible, irredeemable monster who preyed on his best friend’s kid brother to the point of causing him a panic attack.
They had to stop several times on the way to the guest room, and Mage helped Dawn breathe, soothing him and massaging his back through the towel.
In the end, he helped Dawn under the comforter in one of the two beds Asher had offered them, and the coziness of the covers finally helped him calm down somewhat. But no matter how gently Mage spoke to him or how much hot chocolate he had, the tremors shaking Dawn’s body wouldn’t stop.
It seemed Mage would be sleeping on the sofa tonight, because he wasn’t risking Dawn missing sleep over fears that his friend would get into a predatory mood.
For fuck’s sake, how could he have fucked up a chance like this? What was wrong with him? At twenty-six, he was old enough to control his sex drive, yet he didn’t give the necessary consideration to how this whole thing might feel for Dawn. He’d just treated the kiss as a green light and had never taken his foot off the pedal.
He dropped on the sofa full of frustration and disbelief, only to spot Lolly running naked toward the kitchen with a piece of cake in his hand, followed closely by a roaring Dusk.
Mage put a pillow over his face to spare himself the spectacle.
“Fuck my life…” he whispered into the fabric.
Chapter 4
Dawn woke up with a head-splitting headache, but physical pain was nothing in comparison to the nightmare that he soon realized had really happened last night.
He failed at sex.
In what must have been the single most embarrassing moment of his life—and there had been quite a few bad ones—he’d gathered the courage to kiss Mage, only to then go into meltdown when he’d been kissed back.
His mind was a stormy sea that provided no explanation, yet the memory of Mage’s soft lips was as crisp as the taste of an apple picked straight from the tree. Mage had touched him with so much intent, so much need, and Dawn had fucked it up. His stupid body shut down, wouldn’t breathe, and went into full-blown panic as if he were under siege, not in the arms of the man he loved.
He looked over his shoulder, stressed yet again when he saw the other bed untouched. It was all his fault. No wonder Mage didn’t want to stay in one room with him after last night’s fiasco, and Dawn didn’t want to face him either, so he curled up under the covers, trying to fight off nausea and the headache as images of last night spun in his brain like a broken carousel.
In the end, the need to use the bathroom became stronger than shame, and he rolled out of bed. Mage had brought Dawn’s suitcase, so at least he wasn’t stuck naked, but he still dreaded leaving the safety of his fortress of shame and solitude. He would never be normal, that much was clear.
His lips were parched, tongue as dry as the Sahara, but he made his way to the bathroom. The shower lasted longer than his parents would have allowed, but Dawn felt too beaten-down to worry about water conservation. Once he was clean and changed into a fresh set of clothes, he left the bathroom convinced that for once he’d have to face the music. Most times, he’d just leave and let matters resolve themselves one way or another, but there was no way he could evade Mage forever. They were close friends, members of the same band, and no matter how uncomfortable the whole thing made Dawn, anything was preferable to losing Mage.
He would have to wait for his hair to dry before he could put his hat on, which left him feeling vulnerable to curious eyes. Why couldn’t he be like Dusk and simply not care? The growing headache wasn’t helping Dawn think, but he figured it would be best to settle everything as soon as humanly possible, even if only to get rid of the queasiness that had started out as emotion and ended up by twisting his gut.
He headed to the kitchen.
Sometimes he wished he were translucent, so he could still be around other people yet not be forced into interactions he didn’t want. He wouldn’t have to worry about his body getting in the way when its restlessness and anxiety caused him to keep backing out when he did want to be around others. Around Mage.
Maybe Mage had been just drunk and eager for experimentation last night. They could then laugh it off and move on. Stay friends.
He was glad when he found the open space downstairs empty, since deep down he knew he wasn’t ready for a serious conversation so early in the morning. He picked up a cup and approached the sink to get himself some water when something stirred in the living room behind him.
Dawn could barely breathe, but when Mage cleared his throat, it was obvious there was no way out of this.
Mage hugged the back of the sofa, meeting Dawn’s gaze. His hair was frizzy, and he was wearing the T-shirt he used as pyjamas, which meant one thing—the uncomfortable situation last night had forced him out of a normal bed, and he’d ended up sleeping on the sofa through no fault of his own.
> All the fault lay in Dawn’s indecisiveness.
There were many ways this could go, but Dawn’s brain refused to cooperate, and he voiced the first mundane thing that came to his mind. “Ugh… my head hurts.”
Mage exhaled and approached his opened suitcase, his pleasantly muscular legs bare south of the black boxer shorts he wore to bed. “You might have overdone it yesterday. I have some painkillers.”
After a couple of seconds, he picked up a small medicine bottle and approached Dawn without a smile. There was a wariness to his usually relaxed gait, and he handed over the pills, as if he feared getting shocked by an invisible electric fence built around Dawn’s body.
Anxiety curled up its bony hand around Dawn’s throat and wouldn’t let him speak, but he took the pills. This was it. He’d wrecked the most amazing friendship of his life for a stupid, selfish reason. Things between him and Mage would never again be the same.
“How are you feeling? You know, after last night?” Mage asked.
Dawn was barely able to swallow the pill. His throat was painfully dry, and it got even more so when he remembered the touch of Mage’s hot, wet hands.
“I’m sorry,” Dawn muttered. He’d ruined last night for Mage. Had drawn him into something Mage hadn’t wanted in the first place and then rejected him. He was such a disappointment to everybody around him.
His gaze was fixed on the floor, and he flinched when Mage moved that bit closer. “There’s nothing you should apologize for. Do you… do you remember everything?”
In painful detail, even if the memories were fuzzy around the edges. “I-I… I shouldn’t have pulled you into that. I know you could have said no, but it wasn’t right. I don’t know what I was thinking.” Alcohol was the worst advisor, and last night, it suggested to Dawn that the moment was right. Mage had said he wanted to be with someone special, and Dawn foolishly dared to suggest that someone could be him.
Mage’s hand rested on Dawn’s arm, so gently it felt feather-light. “Look, you didn’t pull me into anything. I never felt the need to tell you guys, but I’m bisexual.”
The Underdogs Box Set - Books 1-3 (gay rockstar romance) Page 46
