Dusk punched his thigh. “For fuck’s sake, Mage! If you can’t focus then let’s go find them, because what’s the point of talking if your mind’s not here.”
Mage licked his lips, about to say it was fine, and that he could wait, but Dusk was already getting up. Sometimes, he really loved his friend for being hasty where he himself couldn’t make up his mind.
Sid grabbed a cigarette. “I’ll be outside. Grab me if you need me.”
“No, you’re staying,” Asher said, but Mage was already heading for the door. He said nothing once he and Dusk started down the corridor, so Dusk broke the silence.
“What’s up with you?” he asked, speeding up only to face Mage, walking backwards.
“Nothing.”
“I’ve known you for twelve years. I know when something’s off with you. I know this might seem weird to you, but are you freaking out because Dawn is gaining independence? We laugh about it, but you’re not actually his dad, you know.”’
Mage shook his head. “I just don’t want him to get overwhelmed. That’s all.”
Dusk tripped over a bit of protruding carpet and Mage grabbed his arm. It was tattooed with vegetables, as a tribute to his family farm. Mage, Dusk, and Dawn had spent many summers helping out Mr. and Mrs. Hill with their small hippy venture. Even back then, Dawn had been someone to look out for, painfully shy and frailer than most boys his age.
Even if they weren’t meant to be romantically, Mage would always keep an eye on Dawn. It couldn’t be helped.
“He needs to get overwhelmed. And then get over it. He’s not gonna get better if he doesn’t work on it. Remember when he was seventeen? All he wanted was to write songs, and we promised him he could go on tour with us if he passed his driver’s licence and became our driver.” Dusk was the one who’d actually pushed, because Mage would have let Dawn come along anyway. “It was a big deal, and he cried at first, but then he pulled on his big boy panties and got his driver’s licence. He’ll be fine.”
Mage growled. “You only say this because in your mind everything is a cool challenge. Not everyone works like that.”
“So I’m out here looking with you, am I not?”
He wasn’t really, since he was still walking backwards, only slower.
Mage had no idea how long it all took, but between walking in on a couple in the middle of a quickie, and a run-in with a guard dog on a property close to the hotel, they had found no trace of Dawn and Abra. A tour of the neighborhood did nothing to soothe Mage’s nerves, and by the time they once again entered the hotel lobby, his palms were damp from the stress of it all.
It was just like that time he’d lost Dawn a couple of days into their first tour. He should have seen the signs of mental exhaustion, but back then he’d chosen to give Dawn space. The boy had disappeared from the motel, and it had taken hours to finally find him in some elderly lady’s garden nearby, eating homemade sugar cookies and drinking cocoa.
They called the elevator, but they didn’t get to enter when Gulliver blocked their way, standing in the open doors. “Asher asked me to let him know once you two are back. Are you back?” he asked, before either of them could have opened their mouths.
Mage let out a hiss. “Is Dawn back?”
“No.” He stepped back, making room for Mage and Dusk in the elevator. “Would you like me to tell you where he is?”
Dusk raised his arms so abruptly he hit the camera. “The fuck? You knew where he is?”
Mage had to take a deep breath. “Why didn’t you tell us?”
Gulliver bit his lip. “Last time I tried to help Dusk with his laptop he told me he ‘can handle my shit’, so I wasn’t sure if I should impose.”
Mage’s head pulsed with the pressure of anger cooking inside him. “I’m going to hide your goddamn phone if you don’t stop taking useless notes on us!”
“I’m sorry. He’s at the bar with Abra. Should I fetch him?”
“No! Don’t do anything,” barked Mage, leaving the elevator and heading straight for the hotel bar. He couldn’t believe this shit. Since when was Dawn spending time at bars?
Dusk followed him closely. “Can you believe that guy? Seriously.”
The bar was a large space with dark brown walls and furniture, livened up with cream-colored additions. It was a fancy-looking place, the kind frequented by Mage’s parents, so he couldn’t see why Dawn, of all people would choose to spend his time there. Unless he was under so much stress since Mage fucked up and pushed him into something he didn’t want, that he wanted to soothe it all with alcohol. He wouldn’t have been the first one to do that, and Mage’s insides were already twisting at the thought that his actions could have forced poor Dawn into self-medicating with booze.
Dusk patted Mage’s chest. “There they are,” he whispered, as if Dawn and Abra were able to hear them from their spot at the bar.
Mage took a step forward on autopilot, but Dusk pulled on his arm. “Wait. There’s nothing bad happening. Maybe let’s just leave them to it.”
Dawn was chatting to Abra about something with a beer in his hand, but his shoulders were hunched, and he was wearing his baseball cap, so he could’ve been just putting on a brave face.
“I just don’t want him to do something he’ll regret, like last time he got drunk.”
Dusk frowned. “What? What happened last time?”
Mage swallowed, thinking to the kiss and its aftermath. If Dusk knew, he’d have probably wanted to beat the shit out of Mage despite, or perhaps because of their long friendship. “He got dizzy and almost drowned. Never mind, I was there. Maybe he’s just here for Abra. You don’t know what he’s thinking.”
“If he can be here without cowering in the corner, I’d call it progress.”
Mage ignored Dusk and approached in a way that would allow Dawn to catch a glimpse of him before Abra could.
And just as Mage had expected, as soon as their eyes met, Dawn smiled. His lips weren’t very full, but that only made him look cuter when he smiled. Dusk had been wrong. Mage was very much welcome by Dawn, even if the atmosphere between them had been a bit weird recently.
Dusk was right behind him and spooked Abra with a ‘boo!’. “Hey there! Heard you were celebrating Abra’s new job.”
Dawn’s eyes slipped back to his bottle. “Yep, she’s very happy about it. She loves fashion, so the store will be perfectly suited for her.”
“Will you be fine on your own?” Mage asked, but the girl shrugged, nursing what surely was a virgin drink.
“Asher’s housekeeper will be around every day in case I need anything, and he made sure I have a ride to and from work.”
Dusk whistled. “Oh, you’re staying at Asher’s? That’s in Calabasas, isn’t it?”
Abra nodded with a big grin.
Dawn looked up at Mage. “That’s gonna be us one day when we’re super-famous.”
Mage’s lips quirked, and he squeezed Dawn’s shoulder, happy to see him at ease. “I was surprised to find you here.”
Abra laughed and clinked her drink with Dawn’s bottle. “Took a bit of coaxing.”
Dawn frowned. “But I’m fine! I wanted to come. Put myself out there, you know?”
Dusk patted Dawn’s back. “Exactly. What I always say, you’ve got to challenge yourself.”
Mage wasn’t sure what to think, because Dawn had never wanted to put himself out there before. He leaned in until he could smell the fresh cologne on him. The scent was still intense, as if Dawn had applied it right before coming here. “Are you sure? You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I have your back,” he whispered.
Dawn turned just enough to look at Mage, his big green eyes with long lashes so innocent Mage wished he could steal him away, hide Dawn in his arms and never risk him being hurt.
Dusk groaned. “You see, Mage here, stopped our meeting to look for you, because he doesn’t believe you can handle fans or whatever.”
Mage cringed. That wasn’t how he would have put that.
>
“No, no! I’m fine,” Dawn said quickly. “I’m… working on my social skills. I’ve come to the conclusion something really needs to change. It’s not easy, but I’m okay, I really am.”
Mage put his hands down his pockets, at loss. He was used to being Dawn’s shadow, so how was he to adjust to no longer being needed as much? Was Dawn simply trying to untangle the awkward situation between them by creating distance?
He opted for pretending he wasn’t really staying to watch over Dawn.
“That’s great, Dawn. Since we’re already here, maybe let’s just stay and enjoy the rest of the evening?” he asked, knowing Dusk would never refuse a drink. “You could call Lolly over.”
Dusk touched his chest with an exaggerated expression of shock. “No way! Mage the Dad actually choosing fun over work? Dawn, call a doctor!”
Mage rolled his eyes, gesturing at the bartender. “What are you talking about? We have lots of fun. When did I ever stop you?”
“Just saying you usually prefer Netflix with Dawn to an evening at a bar.”
But Dawn was in the bar, so the bar was better this one time, but how could he possibly explain that to Dusk without getting in hot water?
The pretty smile Dawn sent his way made Mage wonder if maybe his actions weren’t as misguided as logic suggested.
Chapter 6
The bright pink light lights played over Dusk’s naked back. He was in his natural habitat at the edge of the stage, where the fans could reach for him. Hidden away behind curtains, Dawn could just about see all the hands and heads of the people who’d come here for The Underdogs. And when the fans sang the chorus with Dusk, watching the performance with bright eyes, Dawn felt appreciated too.
It was almost as if he was on stage with his friends, and after the first song, the one Dusk had written for his boyfriend, Dawn was on the verge of picking up his keyboard and moving it past the curtains which sheltered him from the public. That would have been a first, since most fans didn’t even know of his existence, and for a long time he’d liked the anonymity, because for him performing was only about the music. He didn’t need to be confronted with having to interact with anyone, or even face the sea of strangers, but as he touched the curtains and briefly caught Mage’s gaze between songs, it occurred to him that he might not be ready to come out as a band member.
This was all right, because from the safety behind the curtain, he could still hear the fans cheer and watch them interacting with the band in a way that couldn’t be replicated. Closer to Dawn’s hideout, Mage stretched, pushing back his long dreadlocks. The bright lights revealed the warm color of his skin, and each curve of muscle as he played his bass guitar in the most perfect rendition of how Dawn had imagined the song when he’d first written it. Sid was in a trance behind the drums, and Dusk’s deep voice and guitar were the final touch.
There were times when Dawn felt there was another element missing, a softness he could provide with his own voice, but when he thought about walking into the limelight to perform alongside his brother, his whole body rebelled against it, and there wasn’t much he could do about it.
They’d had their big break during a music festival, on a huge open-air stage, but Dawn loved the intimacy of smaller venues most. Tonight’s gig was extra special, because they were playing in a gay club. When Dawn was growing up, he’d longed for music that reflected the full range of emotions he experienced, and hoped that was what The Underdogs were for people like him.
He usually entered a trance-like state during gigs, but recently there had been too much on his mind for it to spread its wings. He’d failed Mage, and he failed himself by being unable to fulfill his dreams. He could have had an amazing experience with the best man he knew, yet his body sabotaged him with anxiety. So whenever he got the chance and wasn’t having a meltdown over it, he tried speaking to strangers, or ordering his own food at restaurants, putting himself out there in hope that exposure would finally diminish the undercurrent of anxiety he always carried with him. For once, he no longer wanted to run from this, because if he wanted Mage to see him as a man, then he couldn’t treat Mage as a crutch.
Dawn would rather die than let another panic attack cripple his chances for happiness. Now that he knew his attraction wasn’t one-sided, the pressure on Dawn had suddenly grown. Perhaps Dusk was right. Maybe he really was letting his life fly by instead of living it to the fullest, and if there was a chance to be with the man he’d been in love with for years now, he was ready to do anything to make that happen.
Mage deserved more than a virgin loser who couldn’t stand intimacy. He was a grown man and needed a certain amount of sexuality to come into play. Dawn couldn’t expect Mage to hold hands with him for months.
No one would wait that long.
And since this was a gay venue, he would not drop the reins of his life. He would steer it in the right direction.
By the time the gig was over, and the band gathered in the backroom to rest before moving to the reserved seating in the club, Dawn’s head was pulsing with anxiety, so he sat in the corner and tried to meditate in order to calm down before heading out with everyone.
This after-party was his chance, and he was intent on treating it as a trial run. He was attractive enough. There surely was someone out there who’d be willing to show him the ropes.
He still had to take another deep breath prior to taking off his hat, because its shade was yet another crutch he needed to get rid of.
“I’ll go get a drink. See you later,” he said to his friends and headed off. He missed Abra. The two of them had clicked the moment they’d met, which was so very unlike Dawn’s usual experience with people. But she had her own life, and Dawn needed to stand on his own two feet instead of constantly hiding behind the confidence of others.
He couldn’t treat his friends as protectors anymore, because he was an adult, and if he wanted to be treated like one, then he needed to act like one, too. It had been all too easy to sit in his shell and never leave, but he was done waiting.
The after-party assaulted him with loud music and a crowd dancing, still on the high of the concert they’d just seen. Bright laser beams trailed through the air, leaving an imprint on the back of Dawn’s eyelids. The anxiety was still there, but he was determined to fight through it, and as he walked along the wall, he tried to breathe slowly and deeply, like his mother had taught him.
By the time he pushed his way to the bar, he was a wide-eyed mess, but that wasn’t anything a drink couldn’t soothe. He was glad to see the crowd dotted with alternative-looking people, because he wasn’t a fan of the polished businessman type or the typical club party boys. To be honest, his type could be simply summed up as ‘Mage’, but he needed to branch out, if he was to get anywhere.
He ordered himself a beer and fought the blankness in his brain, when asked about the brand he wanted. He went with ‘any’ to get out of the conundrum of working out which one was the least bitter. Though that didn’t spare him the indignity of having to present his ID.
The beer was quite smooth in terms of flavor, but Dawn was mostly glad that it contained alcohol. He just needed to take the edge off, so he could face what was to happen without overthinking things. He needed someone who was his type and a nice enough person. How hard could that be?
“Hi there? Were you here for the concert? I haven’t seen you before,” said a guy, who wore his brown hair shaved on the sides and slightly longer at the top in a tidier version of a Mohawk.
Not hard at all, it seemed.
Still, Dawn missed his hat so bad right now.
“Y-yes, I write the songs for The Underdogs,” he said, but cringed at his own words. That sounded so much like boasting he hated himself a little already. ‘Oh, look at me, I’m the songwriter’.
The guy leaned closer and clinked his bottle against Dawn’s. “Lucky me! I was wondering who the mysterious co-creator was. Did you choose to come with the band this time because of the venue?”
Words died in Dawn’s throat but he was set on not casting his gaze to the floor, so he stared like an idiot. “We… we’ve got a lot of LGBT fans. Are you gay?”
No.
No.
He did not just say that.
This was exactly why he shouldn’t have come here on his own. What had he done? How would he ever live down the embarrassment of this moment? What next? Would he blurt out that he was on a mission to get sexual experience?
The guy’s eyes widened, and he burst out laughing. “Wow, you got me there. Pete,” he said, squeezing Dawn’s hand. He did not let go, slowly drawing Dawn toward the dancefloor.
Dawn’s ears couldn’t have been any hotter. “Um. Dawn.” When Pete’s brows rose, Dawn cleared his throat. “That’s my name. D-A-W-N. Like before sunrise? Dusk, the frontman, he’s my brother. So we’re Dusk and Dawn. Silly, I know, but our parents thought it was cute.”
He didn’t know when they’d gotten so close, but there were warm, sweaty bodies on all sides, and Pete was the only safe haven Dawn knew right now.
“I see talent comes in pairs, then,” Pete shouted into Dawn’s ear, slowly rolling against him to the rhythm of the music.
It took Dawn a moment to compute that they were touching. Sadly, his musical talent didn’t extend to dancing, and while he wished to be like a blade of grass moved by the wind, he was, at best, a dead piece of wood floating in the ocean. Pete only smiled and put his hands on Dawn’s hips, steering them the right way. The touch was hot, and sent strangely cool flames down Dawn’s legs. He didn’t know what to think, and his anxiety merged with pleasure and excitement, into a concoction he was even more susceptible to, after consuming most of his beer.
“Did you enjoy the concert?” The question came out of Dawn’s mouth so smoothly he was impressed with himself.
Pete glanced at him with a small smile, and as one of his hands changed position, so did the bottle in his hand, which eventually rested just above Dawn’s ass, gently nudging at his spine. “It was my second. I love The Underdogs. Something about the music and lyrics speaks to me, you know? What inspires you?”
The Underdogs Box Set - Books 1-3 (gay rockstar romance) Page 48
