by Daisy Burton
It was Lawrence who was the most attentive. Jess was doing the best she could to help, but with the postponed German dates upon them it was inevitable that she would be stretched. Mel was being Mel, but she had her own relationship to focus on and Sal didn’t want to impinge upon that.
Then there were Alex and Blue. Their dad dying had completely changed the dynamic of their relationship with Sal. When she’d invited them around for dinner and a chat, Alex had been too busy to come and Blue was so grief-stricken that she didn’t say much. She came and picked at her food, then quietly snuggled with Sal and Lawrence on the sofa. Ultimately, Sal loved both of the girls, but she knew that without the glue of their dad to stick them together, their relationship of four years could be inherently lessened. In any case, they weren’t girls now, they were women with their own lives. Sal felt bereft at the thought she might lose them too.
She’d toyed with the idea that she should return to work, but it would be so weird snapping the boys without Marsh. She would need to be fully strong before she could cope with the pain of watching them perform without him. The bills were being paid, so there was no immediate rush. Yet she was unbearably lonely.
So, she was pleased when Jess asked if she could come around for a chat, a few days after the funeral. She arrived laden, as was becoming a habit, with a box of cakes.
“Come in,” she beamed as she kissed Jess on the cheek. “What’s the occasion this time then?” Sal quipped, eyeing the box.
Sal had already heard talk of one of the guys who had stood in for Marsh once before, possibly joining the band permanently. She had assumed that Jess might want to talk to her about that.
“Come and dig in,” Jess said, looking serious as she settled on the sofa. “I’ve got something to tell you.”
“Oooh, okay,” Sal grinned as she picked a cinnamon swirl pastry from the selection of four. “Hopefully it’s good news, I could do with some.” She took a big bite but stopped chewing when she looked at silent Jess’s solemn face.
“Sal….” Jess faltered, reaching out to the hand that wasn’t holding pastry.
“Oh god, what.”
Sal knew only too well that Jess wouldn’t be so dramatic if there wasn’t a real blinder coming. She honestly didn’t think she could take any more bad news, though. Was there any bad news left? Apparently so.
“Well, look – there’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to tell you. I’ve held back because I wanted you to…”
“For the love of God, TELL ME,” Sal interrupted, barely able to chew the mouthful of pastry she wished she hadn’t taken.
“Maire’s pregnant. She says it’s Marsh’s.”
21
It had been an interesting few weeks since the funeral. At first, the shocking news from Jess had thrown Sal completely, and for several days she couldn’t decide whether she thought Maire was lying or not.
For a little while, Sal’s hatred of Maire was ramped up to eleven, but she soon realised that the only person to be hurt by her loathing was herself. It was clear that Maire had been planning on dropping the bombshell at the funeral, if Jess hadn’t dealt with the situation.
What kind of person would do that?
Sal already knew Maire was pretty vicious, but she had to be heartless and vengeful too, to even consider it. Her only possible aim would have been to hurt Sal, but what had she done to inspire such hatred? Been Marsh’s girlfriend?
“The man swore to you that he hadn’t slept with Maire,” Jess had clearly decided Maire was telling the truth and she was fuming about it. “Yet here she is, supposedly carrying his child. It’s a modern miracle! One of them is lying, obviously.”
Sal found herself standing up for Marsh, despite inwardly feeling more inclined to agree with Jess.
“It’s probably her that’s lying,” Sal reasoned. “Even if she is pregnant, who’s to say it’s Marsh’s? Could be anyone’s. It’s not beyond the realms of possibility that she’s either not pregnant at all, or that it’s someone else’s entirely. We won’t know until it’s born, or perhaps we’ll never know.”
“It’s his, Sal, I’m sure of it,” Jess looked frustrated. “I mean, it’s not looking good is it? What if she told him about it before he died, and he couldn’t cope with…?”
“Woah, hang on there.” Sal interrupted, holding up her hand to stop her friend from saying any more. “Are you suggesting that Marsh killed himself because she said she’s having his baby?” Sal refused to accept either of those awful things. “He’s dead, Jess. Christ, he had an accident and the man is gone.”
But inside, Sal was churned up at the thought that he could easily have lied to her again. What if he did have a full-blown affair with Maire and she was having his baby? She’d already had to deal with the possibility that her sister might have caused Marsh to lose control of the car, but this? Surely he wouldn’t have driven into that concrete wall on purpose?
Sal couldn’t cope with that conversation and, much as Jess wanted to stay and talk it through, Sal convinced her she’d be fine. She needed some space to think, and it filled her head for a long time.
If only Marsh were still alive, Sal thought. Maybe then, Maire wouldn’t have made such an outlandish claim - Marsh would know it wasn’t his because they hadn’t slept together. Or, if they had, and it was his child, we would have dealt with it together. Or it would have been the thing that finally broke us.
She couldn’t go there, though. Not right now.
Still, he was gone, and he didn’t have to deal with any of it. Maybe she didn’t either. She didn’t dare think about whether it would be morally appropriate to tell Blue and Alex that they might have a half-sibling. However much she’d loved Marsh, he’d already betrayed her. This could be a further betrayal; not only of her, but of his whole family.
Days of turning it over in her head started to make her feel a bit crazy, and it eventually occurred to her that Maire wasn’t worth this pain. After a couple of weeks, she found that she wasn’t as furious with Marsh as she had been. It could be that the Marsh she had known and loved for more than four years had never properly existed. She’d believed she had fallen in love with a man who was loyal, faithful and truthful. A live-wire, without doubt, but a good man with a decent moral compass. If he’d lied again, cheated and made a baby, then she’d never properly known him and he sure as hell didn’t deserve her love, her grief or her tears. If it were true, and it was his baby, then it might even make it easier for her to move on from his death.
It was pointless to try to figure out the truth, though, when only one person knew the answer. There was no way on earth that Maire would help Sal though. She’d planted a seed of doubt into Sal’s head and that was all she had wanted to do.
Mission accomplished.
*****
Over a month had passed since the funeral. The evenings were getting longer, and Easter wasn’t far away.
Sal had woken up at around 5.00am, as she had done for months. Once again, she realised that she had felt no awful feeling of delayed shock upon waking. That only happened occasionally these days, and she hadn’t had a nightmare in weeks. Things were getting easier much more quickly since she had worked things through in her own mind about Maire’s pregnancy. The thought that maybe she’d turned a corner made her feel more settled. It was a curious feeling after being so emotionally crushed for so long, but the sun was bright that morning, the air was fresh and she felt much lighter as she moved around the house.
Switching on the CD player in the bedroom, she made the most of the apparent lift in her mood and put on her old Elton John CD. When Philadelphia Freedom came on, she whooped. It always made her dance, or clean the bathroom a bit harder and in this instance, she ironed with extra pizazz.
She was getting properly into it when the doorbell rang three times.
Someone’s impatient, she tutted.
Switching off the iron, she ran down the stairs and flung the door open. When she saw it was Doug, she
found her face breaking into a huge smile.
“Hello, you!” she chirped.
“’Allo, sweets!” he smiled back. “You look … great! How you doin’ now?”
“I’m feeling really good today, for some reason,” she explained as she gestured for him to come in. “Making the most of it, to be honest, but it’s great to see you. Have you come around for a cuppa?”
“Well, you could stick the kettle on, if you want, but I thought I’d come and see you, now that the chaos has passed.”
How kind of him, Sal thought as she made the tea.
“Thank-you for thinking of me,” Sal said as they sipped cautiously at their steaming mugs of tea. “I’ve lost track of what’s happening with the guys these days. I miss being on tour, and I know that I’m not going to be able to cope with being home alone all day for much longer. It’s starting to do my head in, already.”
“You know they’d have you back in a flash, Sal,” Doug assured her. “But everyone knows you’ve had a lot to deal with. There’s no mad rush. Are you okay for money? I don’t mean to pry, only that I can help you out if you’re stuck. I don’t want you going back to work because you have to. Not yet anyway.”
Sal looked at him as she took a long gulp of tea. She practically disappeared behind it, the mug was so big, but she’d always been able to drink tea in ridiculous quantities.
“That’s so kind, but I’m okay. I’ve got the income from renting out my own house, and Marsh left me the house and a third of his estate.”
“Oh Sal, sorry, that’s not my business. I didn’t mean it to look like I was asking …”
“It’s fine, Doug, I trust you,” Sal waved her hand dismissively. “I’m not going to make it public, obviously, but I don’t mind you and Jess knowing. I was shocked, to be honest. I only found out a couple of weeks ago, but I didn’t think I’d end up with all that.”
“Well, it’s only right that you’ve got your home. I’m glad he looked after you after the Irish episode.”
“I’m a bit uncomfortable with it, if I’m honest, but his will said it was important to him that I stay in contact with the girls. He thought the house would help, but he must have known that the girls would be my priority financially if he died. And obviously I’ll do the right thing by him if Maire’s baby turns out to be his.”
Doug raised his eyebrows. “You’re a better woman than most, Sal. I couldn’t believe it when I heard.”
“It’s made me rethink so much of what I thought was real,” Sal was on a roll now. “I won’t have answers for months, and I may never know, so I’m getting on with living my life. He didn’t leave a fortune, but the girls will have a good start and I’ll make sure they’re set up for life. Not much point in dwelling on it all. It was making me crazy trying to work out what was true.”
“I don’t blame you. I have no idea what happened with Maire, or why he went down that path, but I can tell you that he genuinely did love you, Sal. More than he’d ever loved anyone else – even Jo.”
Marsh had always told Sal that he loved her more than the kids’ mum but she found that hard to believe, now.
“I do miss him, but it’s hard believing that he loved me, after all this. It’s as if I was in love with a mirage of him. Anyway,” she took a deep breath to stop her getting wistful. “I’m getting there, now and it’s becoming harder to be here in this house without him. I’m thinking of taking a short holiday somewhere, so I can chill out away from everything, think straight and try to figure out what I want.”
Doug sat and thought for a minute, then his face changed. “Well. I might be able to help? Only if you’re interested.” He was clearly being cautious.
Sal looked over. “What do you mean?”
“Well, my mate has a house in a little town in south Devon called Totnes. It’s sort of near Torquay and Exeter? It’s a lovely place on the river and I was going to go down for a week next month to chill out between tours. If you want to come along, you’d be so welcome, I’d love the company. No strings and all that. Separate rooms. I wouldn’t want you to think I was …”
“Doug, I’d love to,” Sal interrupted, smiling gratefully. The thought of getting away anywhere was attractive at that moment, but having to do so alone had stopped her from booking anything. The walls of this house were starting to close in on her, but she wasn’t up to travelling alone just yet. “Thank-you… as long as you’re sure you don’t mind?”
“Never more sure in me life,” he winked.
*****
Sal decided to drive them both down, given that her car had more space than Doug’s. She felt as if she owed him that at least for giving her a free holiday. They had a pleasant drive down the A303, and she slowed as they passed Stonehenge because although she’d seen it a few times, she always loved looking at the ancient monument. They stopped at a packed service station for lunch, but other than that they had a relatively clear drive.
She’d reluctantly asked Mel to cat-sit Lawrence, despite not wanting to bother her, imagining she’d be too busy, but Mel had jumped at the chance. She had asked whether Kate could stay too, and of course, Sal had gratefully agreed.
Sal had decided not to be completely open with them or anyone about what she was doing, or more to the point, who with. She wasn’t back to the same level of sharing with her sister yet, after The Incident. Although she still loved Mel dearly, it was going to take a while until things were the same between them. Cat-sitting duties would help a lot. As far as everyone was concerned, Sal had rented a cottage in the country and was going away on her own.
She’d been similarly vague with Jess, who had been decidedly distant and distracted, so Sal hadn’t been given the Spanish Inquisition, as she’d been expecting. Sal wasn’t sure what was going on for her friend, but she clearly had other things on her mind and it was working in Sal’s favour at this point.
Sal knew only too well that Jess wouldn’t be happy if she found out that she’d gone away with Doug after being with Marsh. Roadies were well down the social scale in Jess’s world, although Sal had never understood that train of thought. Doug took a great deal of pride in his work, was talented and knowledgeable, and he was one of the kindest, most decent people Sal had ever known. That’s what mattered to her.
Despite travelling the world, Sal had never been further south-west than Dorset in the UK before. Although she’d always wanted to visit Cornwall, for some reason she’d never seriously considered Devon as a holiday spot. It had always seemed like a bit of an ‘in-between’ place to her, but now she was there she realised she couldn’t have been more wrong. As they drove down the A38, she could see flashes of Dartmoor looming high in the distance, and the red-soiled fields in the foreground were dotted with cows and sheep. Road signs were letting her know that Paignton and Torquay were not far away, so she figured that Totnes would be sandwiched between moor and sea - two of her favourite things.
It hadn’t taken nearly as long to get there as she’d expected, and they were letting themselves into their home for the week by early afternoon.
The flat was massive. It had three sizeable bedrooms, was beautifully decorated and had no clutter. Sal went straight to the French doors in the living room and threw them open to let in some fresh air. She could see that the river was quite wide and it was only then that she realised that the water was literally lapping against the wall of their building, directly below her.
“Erm… is it meant to be like that?” she asked Doug as she leaned over the iron balcony rail. She was worrying that they were about to be flooded, but being three floors up, she realised it was highly unlikely.
“Yes, it’s meant to be like that,” Doug chuckled. “Don’t worry, we have a waterside gaff.”
Two swans and three ducks had clearly seen her open the doors, and came swimming over in the hope that she’d have something for them.
“Sorry, birdies, no bread here,” she apologised.
“I saw that there’s a shop over the road, I’
ll go and get some basics there,” Doug replied. “I’ll get a lettuce or something for them. We shouldn’t give them bread, it’s so bad for them.” Sal knew he loved animals and she was fascinated at how much he knew about them.
“Is it? God, I didn’t know that. I’ve been feeding ducks bread since I was a nipper! I feel awful. Do you want me to come shopping with you?” Sal asked, rather hoping he’d say no.
“Nah, it’s literally over the road. I won’t be long. You put your feet up; you drove down here. I’ll see what local delights I can find for us.”
As she stood leaning on the iron rail across the window that stopped her falling into the water, she closed her eyes and breathed in deeply. The air smelled different here; fresher. Not only because she was near water, but something else. And the light was more luminous.
How is that possible?
The sun was shining, and the sound of children playing loudly with a dog startled her. It was only then that she realised that what she’d thought was the other side of the river was actually a long, thin island in the middle of it. It seemed to be accessible from the road bridge that crossed the river’s full width. She’d have to suss that out later.
She sank into the big red sofa that nestled along the wall by the open French doors, and two blue tits flew up to the feeder that was hanging on the iron rail she’d been leaning on. She watched them peck at the few seeds that were left at the bottom of the feeder, ‘til they flew off again. She made a mental note to get some seed to refill it because watching the birds fly to and fro was incredibly relaxing.
It was only then that she remembered that she’d promised to ring Mel, to let her know she’d arrived safely. They didn’t chat for long, and once she’d hung up, Sal took the opportunity to stretch out on the huge red sofa.
She’d brought her Bridget Jones book with her, and was determined to read it because she hadn’t touched it since the incident of the Milk-on-the-Sofa. She played with the pages, not reading, and started to think about the parallels between Bridget Jones and her own life. Sal had been so sure she’d found The One – her Mark Darcy - but it was beginning to look like he’d turned out to be a bit of a Daniel Cleaver.