by Caisey Quinn
His eyes were soft but dark when they locked on mine. “Roughly translated it means if you love her, set her free.”
My emotions formed a rope around my heart. He was pulling it tighter with every word.
When I finally spoke, my voice came out a strained whisper. “If you had asked to me stay, I would’ve stayed.”
I couldn’t elaborate any further, couldn’t begin to articulate how much I loved and needed him in that moment.
He glanced at the horizon and his gaze remained there as he spoke.
“My mother loved butterflies. Did I ever tell you that?” His gaze flickered back to me and I shook my head. “She loved to sit in our yard and watch them just…be. She’d plant certain types of flowers to attract them. The blue and black winged ones were her favorite. Swallowtails or something I think they were called.”
The cadence of his voice indicated how sacred this memory was to him. Him sharing it with me felt as intimate as anything else we’d done.
“Axel always wanted to know why we couldn’t catch them. Couldn’t put them in jars or something and keep them in the house where she could look at them all the time.” Aiden inhaled deeply. “I think I was nine or ten when she explained why.” He let his hands drift across the surface of the water. I watched the ripples as the gentle waves rolled toward me.
He paused for so long, I wondered if he was going to tell me the rest.
I reached for him, taking his hand in mine and leaning against his warm skin. I couldn’t explain it, but I knew instinctively that we both needed the physical contact.
“She said, ‘their lives are short and much of it is spent cocooned in darkness. I would never deprive them of their freedom. I love them too much.’”
His words brought moisture to my eyes. He turned to face me, tilting his head when he saw my tears threatening to overflow.
“I’d never do that to you,” he said reverently. “I’d never hold you back from finally getting your freedom. I love you too much.” He rubbed his nose tenderly against mine. “This is your time to spread your wings and fly, beautiful girl. To finally get to live your own life instead of picking up the pieces someone else left behind.”
“I love you, too,” I whispered back. Finally saying it was deliciously indulgent. I wanted to roll around in it, wallow in it, soak it up like sunshine.
“But I miss you,” he confessed. “So fucking much.” His mouth met mine in a fevered frenzy of need. At some point, I ended up airborne, in his arms as he carried me to the shore without breaking the contact of our mouths.
The sand made for a soft landing and we remained there long after the sun disappeared into the sea.
We didn’t make love, but we basked in the love we shared. Love that had grown like a desert wildflower from an instant attraction, to a deeply forbidden desire, that now left us tangled inextricably together like vines.
At some point, I ran up to the house, grabbed a blanket and told Deb we were going to look at the stars for a while. Thankfully my dad was out of town at a real estate convention and wouldn’t be back until later tomorrow night.
Wrapped in Aiden’s arms, I told him my every fear, hope, and wish for my new life punctuated by long, languid kisses that went on until we had to come up for air. When I mentioned how intimidated I was about attending art school and the competition and learning how to live on West coast, he reminded me to be open to possibility, to embrace the newness of it all, knowing that I’d find my place wherever I was in the world because I made art out of everything.
When the sun came up, he laughed.
“I haven’t even told you what I came here to tell you yet,” he said in a groggy voice two octaves deeper than usual.
“What’s that?”
He stroked my face gently. “I resigned from teaching and coaching in Elksboro. I went to an open tryout in Raleigh right after you left. I haven’t heard back officially yet, but the coach of the Hurricanes took me to dinner and wanted to talk about my future with the team. That’s why it took me so long to get here. There were two rounds of tryouts and he had me going to their practices a few times a week.”
I sat up so abruptly it made me lightheaded.
“Aiden, that’s amazing.” I kissed him quickly. “I’m so, so proud of you.” I kissed him once more on the lips, knowing my time feel his lips on mine was running out.
He shrugged but I could see the excitement shining in his eyes.
“It’s because of you, Emersyn. I was taking the easy way out, teaching and coaching instead of pursuing what I really wanted—what I was afraid to want. Watching you, seeing how dedicated you are to your art, in spite of everything you had working against you, it made me realize something.”
“That I’m slightly insane?”
He leaned closer. “You made me realize what a coward I was being by not taking my shot. I talked to my brother. You were right. He was happy for me.”
“I knew he would be, Aiden. To know you is to love you. And to love you is to want what’s best for you.”
“I don’t know that everyone would agree with you on that.”
“Then they’re lying.”
He kissed me once more, pulling me into his lap. We watched the sun come up together. Even though it was the beginning of a new day, something final settled over us—a heavy foreboding feeling that sunrise was the end of something.
“I have to go soon,” he said low in my ear. “I don’t want to. I wish I didn’t have to.”
I leaned back on his chest and sighed. “They have NHL teams in California too. I think.”
He let out a soft sound of amusement. “Yeah, they do. But this is your time. Your life is here now. Mine is still back home.”
My throat constricted. “I know I’m being selfish, but I don’t want you to go. I want to stay like this forever. Right here.”
I felt like a child again, the same way I’d felt at seventeen when my dad packed his bags and walked out on us. The little girl in me wanted to throw a tantrum and beg him to stay. But the woman I’d become, a strong woman I was realizing thankfully in part to my mother, wouldn’t allow it.
He kissed the top of my head but said nothing.
My inner child pouted.
I’d gotten my GED and he’d resigned from teaching. Our relationship was no longer forbidden or illegal, and we were going to be on opposite sides of the country.
It was unfair and the unfairness stung almost as much as letting him go.
“Will you miss me?” I allowed my little girl self to ask.
Aiden pulled me sideways so he could look at my face. “I already miss you. I will miss you every second of every day until I have you back in my arms again just like this.”
My teeth sank into my lower lip and I bit down to keep the words inside.
When will that be? How will we make that happen?What if we never make it back to one another?
As if he’d read the questions in my mind, Aiden squeezed me tighter. “Not every unknown is bad. Sometimes you have to give hope a chance and see what happens.”
I let my body relax against his once more. “I don’t know how much faith I have in hope.”
Another kiss on my head then, “I’ll just have to have enough for the both of us.”
Some time later, when the beach grew crowded, he stood and we said goodbye, agreeing not to have some big emotional scene or a goodbye kiss.
We parted like friends, hugging, then stepping apart until only our hands remained connected, then letting our fingers slide out of reaching distance.
Every step away from him felt like digging deeper into quicksand.
When I made it to the house, I turned and he was still there. Unmoving. Watching me.
Some spark of hope flared in my chest.
Maybe he wasn’t leaving. Maybe he’d decided to stay.
We fought the unforgiving sand to run toward each other like a scene from a movie. When I reached him, I flung my body forward and he caught me, lifting me
into his arms as I wrapped my limbs around him.
“Screw it,” he said. “I need my fucking goodbye kiss.”
He kissed me half-drunk and breathless until the world spun around us.
Somewhere in the world, final classroom bells rang, my friends threw graduation caps into the air, and my seat remained empty.
Because I was here. With him. In this moment, where I belonged.
When he put me down, fire flared from his eyes into mine.
“You will always be apart of me, Emersyn Tyler. And every game, and every goal, and everything I ever do will be because you showed me what it means to be brave. To take your shot and not take anything for granted.”
I shook my head, afraid I would burst if I told him how I felt. “I’m not good with words like you are. I’ll have to put how I feel into a painting and send it to you.”
He grinned. “I would love that.” Kissing me sweetly on the forehead, he sighed. “Listen, forget the distance. Call me, text me, E-mail me, write me, paint me something. Send a smoke signal. Whatever you need, whenever you need, okay?”
I wanted to say okay. But I knew it didn’t work like that. Not in real life.
This was goodbye, not a time to make promises we’d break and commit to obligations we couldn’t fulfill. I couldn’t turn what we’d had into that, into hurt feelings and bitter resentment. He’d come all this way to give us both closure, not to start a long-distance relationship. It was the end of what had been and the beginning of the parts of our lives that no longer included one another.
“I love you, Aiden Singleton. I will always love you,” was all I said. Because that was all I had to give.
23
Emersyn
After Aiden left, I remained outside, sitting on the deck and realizing I didn’t have a plan for the day.
I didn’t have to get my little brother up and ready and off to school or baseball. Dad and Deb had already handled it. Didn’t have to fix my mom breakfast, help her to the shower or use the bathroom in any way. She had Kat for that now.
I still had another two weeks until spring semester classes started at the Santa Barbara Art Institute.
I didn’t have anywhere in particular to be.
It should’ve felt like freedom. But it didn’t.
It felt overwhelming, much like the vast body of water before me, and as if my life was suddenly an unimportant, unregulated free-for-all severely lacking in direction and purpose.
I knew what Aiden would say. “Embrace it.” He’d encourage me to explore the area, to eat in diners off the beaten path, to hike and meditate, to find a quiet place to center myself. I could practically hear him as if he’d somehow become the voice in my head.
I was in the midst of contemplating how he’d managed this when I became aware of a presence beside me.
I could smell her expensive perfume wafting on the breeze.
Deborah.
Not exactly my first choice of companion at the moment, but it was her house, so there wasn’t much I could do about it.
“You okay?” She asked softly, her voice barely carrying above the steadily crashing waves.
I shrugged, keeping my eyes on the ebb and flow of the ocean.
“Aiden seemed nice. Different than I expected.”
I turned my head, lifting my brows in question. “And what did you expect, exactly? Some creepy old pervert?”
She rolled her eyes. “I don’t know, Emersyn. What did you expect the first time you met me?”
Bimbo, teased the tip of my tongue.
When my mother told me my dad had left us for his assistant, I’d pictured the cliché from the movies. Bleach bottle blonde with big fake boobs wearing stripper heels and leopard print everything.
I could admit I’d been wrong.
Deborah was blonde, but lean from being a distance runner and everything about her was natural. She even looked like a native Californian sitting on the beach at sunrise. Crystal clear blue eyes reflecting the ocean above a smattering of freckles across the bridge of her petite nose.
“It’s okay,” she said gently. “I know how it sounds. And I know some of the women who fall in love with their bosses are in it for superficial and even nefarious reasons, like money. Or blackmail. But I hope you know, after spending time with us here, that it wasn’t like that. Ever.”
I thought about how sweet they were to one another in the kitchen every morning. How my dad’s eyes softened every time he looked at her, as if she were an unexpected gift he still couldn’t quite believe was his.
“I can see that,” I admitted.
“I am sorry for what your mom is going through,” Deb offered. “I hope the in-home health professional is improving her quality of life somewhat.”
Kat and my mom cuddled up watching 80’s movies on the couch flashed behind my eyes. “She is,” I said. “A great deal, I think.”
“Well, that’s good.”
When I didn’t make an attempt to continue our conversation, Deb shifted as if she were about to stand and leave. But then she stop and tilted her head at me in a way that reminded me of Drew.
“For what it’s worth, Emersyn, I never intended to hurt anyone. That’s why I left. When your mother got her diagnosis, I ended things with your dad. Immediately. He’d been planning to leave long before me but was working with attorneys on custody arrangements for you and your brother. It was complicated and I won’t bore you with the details, but I didn’t expect him to follow me here. I let him go and decided to focus on finding what happiness I could in a life that didn’t include him.”
I let what she said sink in. “You’re not a bimbo or a gold digger, Deb. I can see that. And for what it’s worth, I think both of my parents are the happiest I’ve ever seen them.”
Her eyes shone as if tears had welled up in them. I wasn’t expecting that.
She exhaled audibly. “And you’re not a slutty teenager that seduced her teacher. Not intentionally, anyway.” She winked at me. “I saw his face when he met you at the door. He cares a great deal about you. He must. He came all this way just to say goodbye.”
“Yeah,” was all I said. It struck me that both of us were kind of clichés. The gold-digging assistant and the whore Lolita.
But those descriptions didn’t really fit either of us.
We just fell in love with someone under inconvenient, okay, really inconvenient, circumstances.
For the better part of a year, she’d been the villain in my head. But now, sitting here, both of us carrying the weight of the mistakes we’d made and the pain we’d caused, but not really regretting it, I could see that we were much more alike than I’d ever expected.
“You know, we’re really not that much different. Your dad tells me all the time that if we just got to know one another, we’d see how much we have in common.”
“I shouldn’t have judged you,” I admitted. “It was unfair to create this version of you in my head without getting to know you and giving you a chance.”
Deb’s eyes brightened and she stood. “If that was an apology, I accept.”
“It was.”
She smiled, flashing her perfect white teeth at me. “I hope we can get to know each other, Emersyn. Truly, I do. And if you ever need anything, to vent, to talk, or just some company to watch the sun come up once in a while, I’m here.”
I couldn’t explain why, but a lump formed in my throat for what felt like the tenth time that morning.
Maybe it was because for the first time in forever I felt weightless. I felt as if someone finally had my back. That I wasn’t holding up the entire world on my own shoulders.
Deb’s laid back vibe was similar to Aiden’s. She didn’t push, didn’t assert her own agenda on her hopes or expectations of me. Just offered to be there if needed. Like a safety net, or at the very least, a sounding board.
“Thank you,” I said, making eye contact in hopes she would know how much I sincerely appreciated her words. “That means a lot. Really.”
Her chest rose and fell as she sighed. “No problem. Between your dad and Ethan, I could really use some female reinforcements around here.”
I laughed. “Oh, I bet. Finally we can talk about something other than baseball.”
“I’d like that.” She squeezed my shoulder gently before she left.
As I watched her walk back inside, Aiden’s parting words played on an endless loop in my head.
Not every unknown is bad. Sometimes you just have to give hope a chance and see what happens.
24
Emersyn
4 Years Later
Drew hugged me so tightly it was hard to breathe.
“God, I’m so sorry, Em,” his muffled voice said into my ear.
“You’re cutting off her oxygen, dear.”
I smiled over his shoulder at his fiancé James who stood behind him. I’d attended their engagement party last month but didn’t know James all that well yet. He was a finance manager of some sort from New York and reminded me of a more muscular version of Anderson Cooper.
He leaned in to hug me next. “Sorry for your loss, sweetheart,” he said kindly.
“Thank you.” I gave him a quick squeeze in return.
Nearly a decade older than us, James had bought my Love is Love sculpture from a LGBTQ+ Community Coalition fundraiser right after I graduated from art school. Drew had been my date, but he’d gone home with James. Something we still joked about and I planned to include in my best woman speech in their wedding next month.
“Did Camille make it?” Drew asked, looking at he small gathering that had shown up to my mother’s funeral, or rather the celebration of life ceremony as Kat called it.
I shook my head. “Haven’t seen her. And I think I’ve hugged or shaken hands with everyone here.”
“She probably couldn’t find a sitter,” he said.
I didn’t know Camille had a baby. We hadn’t kept in touch after I left.
“She has a child?”
“Little boy. He’s two.”
“Derek’s?” I asked, hoping the answer was no.
